Everlasting Light

by Shey Stahl

  “Few weeks after the concert in Montgomery.” Reaching for her soda in the cup holder, she gave me a side-eyed glance. “Hey, did you know that friend of yours slept with Gavin, Miles, and Wade that weekend?”

  “No…but I’m not surprised by that.”

  “Sheesh, was she like that in college?”

  “Yep. Different guy every week it seemed. I could never be like that,” I mused, unable to understand Laney and her ways.

  “I know what you mean. I feel weird that I slept with Miles and Gavin, since we all roll in the same crowd.”

  “Was Beau mad you slept with his friend?” I wondered what Beau thought about it, but no way would I bring it up to him.

  “Oh yeah, fucking pissed off like you wouldn’t believe.” She laughed. “He’s pretty protective.”

  “Well, you are his twin.”

  The rest of the drive to Atlanta, I thought of ways to tell him. This would ultimately being changing both our lives forever.

  “I’M PREGNANT, Beau,” I told him when we were in the hotel room, the words leaving my mouth before I could worry about the impact they had on us.

  Again, it was easy to just blurt the words out.

  Never looking up, Beau set his guitar down on the floor and then took a seat on the edge of the bed.

  I saw the grin tugging at the corners of his lips under the shadows his hat provided.

  I waited for him to say something, and when he didn’t say anything, my anxiety soared. “Say something about it.”

  “Are you happy?” He turned his hat around backward so I could see his face.

  I nodded, taking in his steady stare, my heart beating so loud while a lump rose in my throat, thinking the worst.

  I wanted to stop him, make him look at me and face this, us, what was changing.

  “Are you?”

  “Well, I wasn’t expecting it,” he answered.

  “You knew when we started having sex this could happen.”

  Word vomit, shut up. Don’t say anything else.

  A strange look crossed his face. Leaning back on the bed, he lifted his legs and wrapped them around the backs of my legs, pulling me toward the edge of the bed. His smile, that smile, heated every inch of my already heated, frustrated skin.

  When he did say something, his words were delivered slowly, his Southern drawl present. “Do you think because I’m not jumping for joy, that I’m not happy?”

  “What? No…I didn’t say anything like that.”

  “Is that really what you think?” he asked, and I could hear the edge of anger in his voice. “That I don’t give a shit about anything but music?”

  I thought before I answered. “No, I never said that. I just wanted to know what you thought. I know we didn’t plan on this and we haven’t been dating very long.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” he mumbled, shaking his head, the sharp tone fading. “I guess I’m a little shocked.”

  “I was afraid your reaction would be like this.”

  “Is that so?” He seemed to struggle with his choice of words, almost disappointed I would think he wouldn’t be happy, and then he moved on. “I don’t know what I have to do to convince you I’ve fallen for you and I want this relationship, but it never seems to be enough. You just have it in your head I’m just here for now, not for good.”

  I blinked, not sure what to say.

  “You don’t believe me still…hmmm?” He arched an eyebrow, his position changed, and he grabbed me, forcing me on top of him, and then rolling us over so I felt his weight. “Then how should I convince you that you’re my girl?” His mouth moved closer, pulling at the collar of my flannel. The cool air hit my skin, scorched by his teasing mouth. “Should I show you?” His voice lowered, a seductive shake in his words. And then his hand moved from my hip to my stomach, fingers fluttering touches over the miracle inside me. “Or would you believe me if I said this baby shows my love for you?” he smiled, drawing back to see my reaction.

  Well.

  He had a way of making me feel like those words were everything I needed to hear.

  “Yes.” I blushed.

  “Do you love me?” His question held vulnerability, so much it couldn’t go unnoticed.

  “I do love you.”

  He drew in a whistled breath, shaking his head with his eyebrows raised, as if to say I was screwed. “That could be trouble, honey.”

  “Shut up.” I grabbed him by the shirt, kissing him hard. “You’re trouble.”

  Drawing back, he kissed down my body, stopping at my belly. “I had plans for a wild kinky night.”

  Running my hands over the curve of his shoulders, I watched him moving over my body. “What’s stopping you?”

  He placed a gentle lingering kiss just above my belly. “I think I need to show you how much I care, and how I’m always going to be there.”

  I had no words. My throat tightened up and the only response I could come up with was to kiss him with as much passion as I could.

  Our story changed that day. We were no longer a summer romance, and we never would be again. We would forever be bound by this life we created. No matter what the future held, this would be the link between us.

  He could sense there was something still wrong when I had tears in my eyes. His hand rose to touch the side of my face. “What’s the matter?”

  “I’m nervous.”

  “About what?”

  “Being a mom. I have no idea how to be one.”

  Beau chuckled, relaxing against my side. “It’s okay. I don’t know how to be a dad. Together we can wing it.”

  For a guy like me, given my relationship with my own father, I wasn’t sure how to feel about Bentley being pregnant. I wanted kids someday, and I certainly wanted them with Bentley, only I wasn’t expecting it be this so soon.

  I knew when it happened, as did she, in my truck on a country back road.

  It was also the night I finally told her I loved her.

  I knew I loved Bentley simply because she fell for me when I couldn’t love myself.

  I was never one to believe in first love, the kind that you never forget, so they tell you. I believed in second love, because they’re the ones who made you believe love existed in the first place.

  After all, they loved you when you were sure no one else would again.

  And that was exactly what Bentley did for me. She loved me when I wasn’t sure anyone else ever would.

  I had a feeling my parents wouldn’t be thrilled with Bentley being pregnant. Scratch that, I had a feeling my dad wouldn’t be happy about it.

  I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my dad or Jensen.

  Jensen was the perfect son, the one who followed in his old man’s footsteps and did what he was supposed to do. That wasn’t me. I went the direction he asked me not to.

  For that reason, I didn’t have much in common with either of them.

  Telling my father Bentley was pregnant wasn’t something I felt I needed to do, but Bentley made me, saying she needed my family to know while I was in Nashville.

  Her biggest fear about all of it was thinking we just met and fell in love quickly, so people would assume she was trying to trap me. For that reason, she refused to marry me.

  I knew when she got pregnant.

  And honestly, I wasn’t surprised when she told me. Mostly because during that amazing sex with AC/DC blaring in the background, I realized I hadn’t put a condom on.

  Did I stop when I knew my slip-up?

  Nope.

  “Didn’t think you’d come back here after bringing that girl in,” Dad said when he noticed me take a seat at the bar. It was empty inside, as it usually was this time in the morning, just a few lingering locals.

  “Yeah, well, it’s not that I wanted to.”

  He snorted, his hands on the edge of the bar with a rag thrown over his shoulder. “So why are you here? Need money?”

  “No, I don’t need your fuckin’ money.” I stared at the b
ar as I spoke, fidgeting with a coaster and annoyed my own father made me nervous. “Bentley’s pregnant.”

  He laughed. “And that’s my problem? You’re twenty-five.”

  “No, it’s not your problem.” I stood, shoving myself away from the bar and knocking the stool over. “See ya around, Dad.”

  Dad was straightforward and asked as I reached for the door, “So where does that leave them while you’re off pursuing your dream?”

  It pissed me off that he reacted that way, quick to think I’d drop my responsibilities as a man for the sake of my music.

  “I see them with me, supporting me,” I said, walking out the door. I didn’t care what he had to say after that.

  Inside my truck, I wasn’t so calm and gripped the steering wheel tight. “God, he’s just…fuck him. He never fucking gets it. Everything has always been about him,” I told myself, trying to get it out of my head I needed his approval for anything.

  “When are you gonna give this hobby up, Beau?”

  “Music isn’t a career; it’s just noise.”

  How could he think I wouldn’t support my family?

  TELLING MY mom was easier. Mostly because Blaine had already blabbed and told her. I was expecting her to be knitting a damn blanket or something.

  Knowing she’d be home, I stopped by on my way out of town. My mother didn’t work. She did when we were younger, odd jobs here and there and used to do the books for the bar. That all stopped two years ago when the bar was audited. Dad fired her.

  Piece of shit. Who fired their own wife?

  Russell Ryland did.

  “Hey, Ma,” I yelled once inside the door, wondering where she was at.

  “In here, honey,” she chimed from the kitchen. Rounding the corner from the family room, I noticed her at the kitchen counter, keeping a grin at bay by sipping from a coffee cup. “What’s brought you by?”

  Removing my baseball hat, I sat it on the counter; she didn’t like me wearing my hat in the house.

  I looked up and laughed. “Blaine’s got a big mouth.”

  Mom squealed, setting her cup on the counter. “I’m so excited! How far along is she?”

  Scratching the side of my head, my grin widened. “How long ago was that concert in Nashville?”

  “A little over a month ago.”

  “About that long then.”

  “Beau Grayden Ryland.” I was about to be scolded like a kid again. She used my middle name. “Did you get that sweet girl pregnant in your truck?”

  I waggled my eyebrows. “Maybe.”

  “You’re bad.”

  “Yeah, well, she’s not as sweet as you think. She’s actually kind of naughty.”

  Mom took a dishrag from the counter and threw it at me. “Stop that.”

  We laughed about it for a few minutes, and then she had to bring him up.

  “What did your dad say?” Obviously she knew I’d tell him first. Mostly because I didn’t want that conversation in my head the entire drive to Nashville. I always found it easier to get those kind of conversations over with quickly.

  “What do you think he said?” I reached for my hat, picking at the frayed fabric on the side.

  “Sorry, honey.” She reached out, placing her hands over mine. “He’s just—”

  “Don’t make excuses for him. You shouldn’t have to. I’m old enough to know his reasons for being an asshole are about him. They’re not about me.”

  Mom nodded, smiling tearfully at me. “You’re absolutely right.” Leaning into the counter, she stared down at her cell phone. “Hey, did you hear Wade and Lindsey filed for divorce?”

  “No, well, yeah, he mentioned something about that a few weeks ago, but I already knew it was heading that way.”

  “How?” She looked at me in disbelief and I had to remind myself Wade and Lindsey had put on a pretty good show the last year trying to make everyone think they were happy, when in reality they weren’t.

  “He messed around.”

  I was honest with my mom and Blaine about what I did to Payton. Neither judged me, but still, I didn’t feel good about it.

  Maybe because it wasn’t just one time. It was a string of nights over a month, and a few different girls. Cheating was cheating.

  I know. Asshole.

  And here I was upset with my dad about firing my mom and I fucked around on my girl.

  To be fair, we weren’t married, but that still wasn’t an excuse. Being on the road was lonely and I finally understood why people cheated.

  For me, it had nothing to do with sex. They craved closeness. They sought out what they couldn’t have. Who really knew what the fuck my reasoning was? I don’t even think I did.

  “Beau,” my mother’s tone was concerned, drawing my attention to hers, “now that you’re back on tour and—”

  “I know, Ma.” I cut her off again. “And I’m not the same wild kid I was back then.” I felt incredibly small when she said that, like she knew what a mess I was just a year ago.

  She laughed. Laughed. My own mother.

  “That wasn’t meant to be funny.”

  “I just hope things work out with you and Bentley. I really like her.”

  “I know you do, and I do too. I love her.”

  Tears welled up in her bright blue eyes that mirrored Blaine’s. “Maybe you have grown.”

  “Damn straight.” I stood, reaching for my hat. “But I’m late. I’ve gotta meet Sam in Nashville, and then we’re heading to Kansas City.”

  “Good luck.” Mom leaned in, kissing my cheek. “And tell Bentley I’m excited and here if she needs anything.”

  “You tell her.”

  You would have thought I told my mom we were having twins at the way her eyes lit up. She was never close with Payton. I wasn’t sure why, they just never had a real connection. “What?”

  “You can call her, or go by the house. She stays there on the weekends with Blaine.”

  “You don’t mind? Or she won’t?”

  “Nope.” I let out a laugh and stretched my arms over my head, then dropped them down to hug my mom to my side. “She’ll love to hear from you.” I kissed her cheek. “Love you.”

  “Drive safe!” she yelled after me.

  Once I was on the road, I called Bentley to hear her voice one last time.

  “Told my parents,” I said, holding my phone to my ear and using my knee to steer. “They said we’re on our own.”

  “Really?”

  I laughed, finding humor in my joke. “No, my mom is knitting blankets as we speak. I’m sure of it.”

  Bentley paused, clearing her throat. “And your dad?”

  “No comment.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I sighed. “Don’t be. When are you going to the doctor?”

  “I had them do a blood test at the hospital. They said I’m for sure pregnant and due March fourteenth. I guess they said I’m eight weeks.”

  “Yep, Nashville, huh?” I gloated, feeling proud and a little more attached to this truck.

  Bentley giggled. “Of course you take pride in knocking me up in your truck.”

  “Mmmm.” I sighed, loving the sound of that giggle. “I can’t wait to get home on Saturday. I’m gonna find out what this pregnant sex fuss is all about.”

  “I think maybe you’ll have to wait until I’m not throwing up. I’ve been so sick this morning.”

  I panicked a little, my heartbeat quickened at the thought of her throwing up alone, without me there to hold her hair. “That’s normal though, right?”

  “Yeah, from what I hear. I have an appointment on September third to hear the heartbeat…can you make it for that?”

  I tried to rack my brain, thinking if I had any shows scheduled for that day and realized I’d be coming back from Phoenix. “I think I can make it.”

  Fuck, I hoped I could make it. I really wanted to be there for her through this, show her I never thought she trapped me and I love her.

  “Okay, well, I’m at wor
k now. Call me when you get to Kansas City?”

  “I will.”

  “Okay,” she hesitated and then said, “bye.”

  I laughed, not ready to hang up. “Bentley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  She breathed in deep, as if the words washed over her. I could almost picture her smile right then, sweet as a summer day with her long tan legs dangling over my tailgate, leaning back with the honey rays beating down on her.

  “I love you too, Beau.”

  Closing my eyes, I breathed in myself, wishing we were back at that lake together.

  Her words struck me in my chest, bringing up the same questions I asked myself every day. Was it worth it to be on the road so much?

  It was because I could provide a life she never dreamed of, for her and our baby. I wouldn’t be lying if I said it scared me to become a father. I could be a tough guy, but I could also break down and this had the capability of doing that.

  Mostly because of the insecurities I knew it would make me feel, never being enough for the two of them.

  I just hoped I was enough for her.

  My pregnancy moved fast. With Beau being gone up in Nashville during most weeks and me working full-time, I felt like before I knew it, Christmas came and went and we were preparing for the birth of our child in the March.

  I had been feeling cramps all day at work to the point I went home early to an empty house. Beau and I were living together now, in a duplex with Blaine and Gavin on the other side.

  After work, I planned to call Beau to check on him after I saw the news reports on the snow, and then I was going to beg Blaine to stay the night with me. I hated being alone.

  I finished out my internship, and instead of working as an independent living assistant, I was offered a job at Midland Metropolitan Hospital in the Care Management Program where we assisted patients who had long-term conditions.

  The one good thing about that job was working with Blaine. She was one of the nurses while I worked in the office.

  As I dialed Beau’s number, I walked by the picture of us on the fridge taken weeks after I told him about the baby. It was the two of us outside the doctor’s office proudly holding the sonogram with the little bean on the photo. I loved that photo, but just looking at it now, no way you could capture the excitement and love in our eyes just by taking a snapshot of that one moment.