The Carrero Heart - Beginning: Arrick and Sophie. (The Carrero Series Book 4)

by L. T. Marshall

  ‘What’s happening to us?’ He looks at me forlornly, questioning me and it takes me by surprise.

  ‘I don’t know.’ Tears bite this time and I just stare at him, not sure what he wants me to say or what any of this means. Why he is even asking me that right now, as if it has anything to do with what happened tonight. I just feel confused by the question.

  ‘It used to be easy…. Even when I came and pushed off assholes hassling you, it never felt like tonight did. Why did we have to change? Why did how this feels have to change?’ He looks at me with so much warring emotion, his voice breaks, eyes glaze with unshed tears and I feel myself break too. This unexpected confession from him that is so heart gnawingly hard, knowing he hates this. A silent tear rolls down my cheek and all I can do is shake my head. Unable to talk.

  ‘I thought I knew what you were to me…. Always. Then this, Sophie. All of this has me back to front and so crazy fucked up. I see you, and I see her, and I honestly don’t know what to do. Tonight, I told her that I wanted to try again…… I made my choice, that I wasn’t going to deal with any of this shit between us anymore. I was going to fix this, put it all back to how it should be. Safe and neatly labelled, as untouchable, platonic, and someone I will always protect. I shouldn’t see you as anything other than that.’ He pauses, his eyes searching mine as my heart crumbles and breaks, tears falling freely and his ravaged expression tells me that my tears are killing him. Both motionless from where we are.

  ‘Then I saw him touching you.’ He looks down at the floor, kicks at nothing and then back at me.

  ‘Before he even put his hands on your throat, I was making my way to you, to talk, to explain. Seeing another guy touching you Sophie… Kissing you. I didn’t know if it was wanted or not at first.’ He swallows hard and walks towards me slowly, reaching out until his fingers trace the tears running down my face.

  ‘It doesn’t feel the same. It doesn’t feel like it used to when I showed up at a club and chased them off. It felt like I couldn’t breathe, that you were ripping my heart out by kissing some other guy, and I just saw red.’ He whispers slowly, moving so that his body is inching towards me and finally comes to rest a mere inch apart. My heavy heart, beating hard and painfully, fluttering rapidly. Inhaling fast to try and calm the urge to sob.

  ‘I didn’t just hit him because he was hurting you; I hit him because he was touching you, because he dared to kiss you. And that’s fucked up…. How can I be that way with you, after everything? And still tell her that I want to make this work?’ His voice breaks, so much confusion even now, still after all this time to get used to this. It just wrecks what is left of my sanity.

  I shake my head again, closing my eyes as his fingers gently trace my cheek, slowly down to my jaw, and then comes to trace the marks that started to show on my neck from being choked and bitten. I open my eyes when I feel his breath against my face, realising he’s moved in closer, his eyes on mine, both hands coming to softly trace the bruises on my throat and he just looks pained as he looks at them.

  ‘I tell myself over and over that it’s not morally right to think about you like this. That I can never go down that road of taking this further, yet all I think about is what it would be like. What being with you properly would be like.’ He sighs, moving in so our noses are a hair width apart, leaning in to my height and bridging the gap between us. I hold my breath, tears halting with the sheer intensity of this moment. Body beginning to tremble. All of this just feels so very different to any other time we have gotten close to talking this way. Nerves evaporate and instead just sheer heartfelt ache consumes me.

  ‘Then I get this close to you, and all I think about is how it feels to kiss you. How many times I have wanted too.’ His eyes move to my mouth as his thumb traces my bottom lip tenderly, his focus narrowing, pupils dilating and I literally pause. His own lips part gently, so subtly, but it makes me do the same; body tingling in anticipation and heart pounding. We seem to just still for a moment, so close, so undeniable where this is leading and yet he holds back. Every emotion fighting inside his own head and stopping him from breaking that boundary.

  I lean the last gap and kiss him instead, boldly and confidently, sure this is what he wants from me. Softly, with purpose and I have no thoughts about what I intend to do next, only that every part of me is screaming to just do it.

  His hands are still on my jaw, on my throat and then his mouth is on mine, all it took was that one movement from me and he’s kissing me. Softly, exploratory, gentle caressing of lips and mouths, probing of tongue, his hands moving to my hair and sweep it back out of his way. Obvious that he has no intention of pulling back this time. He angles in so his nose is brushing mine and then brushing my cheek as he tilts more, his mouth parts my lips and his tongue softly caresses mine, faces pushed together so we can stay locked in a passionate kiss, as close as humanly possible. My insides explode with a million sensations, from tingles to waves, emotionally and physically responding to him on every level. This feels as natural as breathing, only erupting in so many good feelings.

  My heart starts hammering through my chest as my hands smooth upwards across his hard torso, chiselled lines and muscle, finding his strong shoulders and then his neck; running my fingers into his short hair as he moves his own hands to around me and pulls me against him. I can feel every part of his body moulding to mine, height not mattering as he scoots down a little to fully engage. Wrapped in each other’s embrace, entangled tightly. Running my nails through the back of his hair and curling them in the longer length on top, while I skim his scalp with the manicured tips.

  I feel my robe slide, his hand grazes my collar bone and pushes it from my shoulder, exposing more than just upper neck to him. I gasp, not even phased that he’s exposing my body to him, nakedly on show, urging him to keep going, as his fingers trail down over the curve of my breast slowly, igniting a fire between my thighs and making my body vibrate.

  ‘You’re so beautiful in every way. So perfect.’ He breathes against me, only parting enough to speak into my mouth and then he captures my lips again, sucking and kissing me like he has no control. The robe slides further down my back, down my arms to my elbows as one of his hands comes back to my neck, under my hair at the back, to pull me in harder to his probing mouth. His fingers gently graze downwards across my back as though tracing my spine lightly. My breath quickens, warmth opening up inside of me deep down at his touch, at his kiss, and I know without hesitation that I will let him peel this off completely and make love to me right now, and not stop one bit of it. I want him, in every way, and would never regret anything he could ever do to me. I trust him this way, know that he would never hurt me by doing this.

  He pulls back slightly to suck on my lower lip sensually, kisses me deeply again, more passionately, a lot more intensity as he probes my mouth with his tongue more confidently and I groan. He feels better than good, tastes like heaven and his hands peeling apart the rest of my robe skim my body hungrily, singing a path of eruptions that feels so good my toes are curling. Inhibitions gone from still being drunk, fuelled by his own emotions of tonight. I only feel fire within me, an urging so strong to just have him all over me and inside of me.

  I feel his blood pulsing and body stirring in the same way mine is, hardening where his groin is against mine. It’s clear he wants me too, the way his hands run over my back and shoulders and slide around my waist to pull me into him. Tilting me back as though he just can’t get close enough.

  His mouth leaves mine, lips traveling to my throat, warm hot sensations that make me close my eyes in complete surrender to this sensation. He trails tender sucks and kisses downwards, fluttering hot kisses on my neck, a hand coming up to brush away my hair from where he wants to devour me, then again trails down my breast, cupping it firmly before leaning into capture it with his mouth instead. I groan, lost in complete sensual euphoria, tingles exploding in my toes at what he’s doing to me. Opening like a flower. My body erupts as he sucks
my nipple hard into his hot mouth, erotically, and I moan under my breath in ecstasy at this intimate touch.

  ‘Arrick?’ Natasha’s shocked voice drags us apart quickly, spinning to see the girl standing in the open elevator in wide eyed heartbreak. I drag my robe closed, reeling in shock, and from the weightless way my body feels right now, pulling it around me as Arrick seems to regain control of his senses. His eyes focus hard on her. She’s holding his phone, and what looks like his wallet in her hands, tears brimming to the surface of those big doe eyes as she stands in wide mouthed pain.

  Arrick seems frozen, still standing a foot from me, unable to tear his eyes from the devastation on her face and I stand numbly, unable to find words. All the while pulling my tie around me to close the robe; shame flooding me as we all just seem to take in what has just happened.

  ‘How could you?’ Natasha breaks first, looking from him and then to me accusingly, like this is a double betrayal and the words stab me in the gut. I look down in shame, tears stinging my eyes that I could do this to anyone, even her. This isn’t who I am.

  She throws his phone and wallet loudly on the floor out of the elevator, it crashes and slides ungracefully across the marble, tears blinding her as Arrick hesitates. I see his body shift from the corner of my eye and look up at him, so lost in so many torn emotions right now. His eyes flitting from her to me, and back, with the sheer doubt as to what he should do.

  The doors start to close on her and he moves with lightning speed, indecision gone, crossing the floor in seconds and slamming a hand between them so he can squeeze through; I watch like it’s some slow action replay, and just gawp like a numb fool. Then they are both hidden from view as the chrome doors close seamlessly behind him, and I am left standing, unsure if it will open again, or if they will both just disappear and leave me here like this. Shame and guilt coursing through my body like a river of self-doubt and chest wrenching weight.

  I stand, panting and half sobbing like a complete mess. Unsure what to do, unsure what to feel. I watch the lights of the elevator indicate it’s going down and just stare numbly as heavy pain flits through my heart, a small voice in my head somehow finding its way to me.

  He still loves her enough to chase her.

  Chapter 26

  It’s almost dawn and I am laid on my bed. I have barely slept, waiting for him to come back; a million thoughts running through my brain and tormenting me into oblivion. His phone is here, thankfully un-smashed, despite it hitting a marble floor. At some point I got enough sense to wander over and pick his things up, like a mute zombie trying to find something to do besides stare at a closed elevator. I left them on the kitchen counter. I paced like crazy, cried myself sick with heartbreak, disappointment in myself, and nerves, then ended up in here hoping to try and sleep.

  I feel wretched and anxious and all I keep seeing is that ragged torn look on her face, as though I just slayed her entirely family with a dirty spoon before her eyes. All I keep thinking about is the way he ran after her, like it was all that mattered anymore and just left me here to be alone. To ponder what is even happening anymore. That in itself, told me loud and clear, that I never really came close to what they have, whether I understand it or not; he chose to go after her. I feel empty and numb, exhausted and cried out, and don’t have it in me to do anything else except stare into space in a semi-conscious state now.

  A noise at the outer door has me sitting up sharply, ears tuned to the ping of the elevator that we somehow missed earlier, shuffling, and then the swish as the doors close themselves. Leaving someone very clearly moving through the foyer. I hear the footsteps of shoes on marble, slowly yet definitely walking.

  I am out of bed in a flash, running to meet him face on in the apartment as he walks through to the lounge and turns at his first bedroom door. Both of us stop as we come face to face, yet still feet apart. Seeing him makes my chest feel like it’s caving inwards and I just want to run to him and throw my arms around him tight.

  He looks tired and dishevelled, his pallor is pale and eyes dark with fatigue, hair messy and clothes crumpled. I come out further to stand outside my door, looking at him with questioning eyes, not caring that I’m in my skimpy tank and panties, because hours ago I was naked in front of him with his hands, and mouth, on this body; his eyes skim my attire and he takes on an almost painful expression.

  ‘Go cover up. I don’t need this right now.’ His voice is hoarse and raspy and he moves to open his own bedroom door as though dismissing me. He looks closed up, emotion hidden and even a little icy towards me, as though somehow this is all my fault.

  ‘Arry?’ I call gently, tears finding a new lease of life and welling up in my throat; halting him as he goes to walk in, he sighs heavily, his body seeming to deflate.

  ‘Go back to bed. I don’t want to do this right now.’ There is something in his demeanour that is sending off alarm bells, panic rising inside of me, desperately and painfully

  ‘Do what?’ I choke, knowing in the pit of my stomach that I have been laid all night waiting to hear the words I really don’t want to hear. I have known this was coming, knowing all along that she always had more of him than I could ever hope for. No matter what happened between us, there had still been a tiny little ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, he did love me enough to change things. His going after her tonight had been all that I needed to see, to kill that dead. In turn, killing a part of me too.

  ‘Soph’s please.’ His voice drops and he makes to move again. He can’t seem to look at me, his distance hurting me so badly right now, making me feel worthless and cheap.

  ‘You’re going back to her, aren’t you? Despite what she saw, she loves you enough to still want you?’ I feel the tears in my eyes before I can even see the answer in his face. Accusation in my voice that comes out pathetic and childlike, and I hate that I reverted to this.

  ‘She thinks we can get past this… I told her everything, all of it…. Even the kisses before. This… US… It never started and it won’t, not ever. Not now I have seen just how much damage it can do to someone I love. It’s not worth the pain I’m causing her.’ Arrick is in closed down mode, that brain thinking through all the logical decisions to try and keep everyone happy and pushing his heart to one side. Or maybe he really does just love her so much more than he could ever love me, maybe I really was just a new shiny toy for him.

  I shake my head, refusing to believe that is true, trying to sum up everything I know about him, and why he would choose this. He wanted me, right then, he peeled my clothes open and pushed it further than a kiss; he did that, not me. He would have made love to me if she hadn’t shown up, I’m sure of it. I refuse to believe that there is nothing inside of him that doesn’t want me as much as her. Everything about how he was tonight screams that he cares about me in that way.

  ‘What about me? What about my pain?’ I’m bawling now, as it hits home that he is telling me this is over and I know he means every word. I know how set in that stubborn head he can be when he decides something important. He isn’t going to ever get his head out of his ass and give me a chance, he’s back peddling. Despite everything he said, everything it feels like when he kisses me. He’s pushing me away. So he doesn’t have to be the bad guy who destroys Natasha’s heart, he thinks that’s more important, deluded that he can keep both of us, without ever having to choose.

  ‘You’re stronger than she is, you proved it when you cut me out once before. You have more ability to bounce back; this is nothing Sophie. Some crazy fucked up grass is greener bullshit and this will mean nothing to you in years to come.….’ He splays his hands in agitation, bristling with emotion that I can’t read and refusing to really just look at me. I’m rooted to my spot, feeling like the earth is opening up to slowly swallow me whole.

  ‘This was an infatuation, something new and exciting with a lot of what if’s. I got caught up in it, bored with my relationship I guess, and we both know it would never work. We would never work. Love isn�
�t meant to be this hard Sophie, and with you it would be, because to get this to work we have to hurt people, hurt her. Think of how this would look to everyone, what would your family think? They would question every second I have ever spent with you in the last few years, question trusting me. You were a kid… I wasn’t. All people will see is that I took advantage, and I am manipulating you to need me this way.’ He looks away from me, that over analytical crazy head of his spewing nonsense and grasping for more reasons to solidify his decision. He’s rambling, scared, and lashing out because he’s angry at himself for hurting Natasha.

  ‘How can you say that?’ I sob, coming to him and closing the gap desperately, grabbing onto his arm like some pitiful needy girl. My heart shredding, knowing that this isn’t just a decision to choose her in life, it’s a decision to end us. Not just this… But all of it. He is making it clear that there is not going to be room in his life for me anymore; how could there be? Now she knows, now she saw us. If he wants her in his life then she won’t allow me to come close ever again. I know him, he will do everything to fix his mistakes, even if that includes promising to never see me again.

  ‘Because I would have to live with knowing I had to destroy the heart of someone as sweet and loving as her, to be with you. I can’t do it. I promised her a life, I told her I loved her a long time ago…. This was just some spur of the moment thing that will die just as quickly. Sex Sophie, that’s what this came down to, attraction of the forbidden.’ Arrick tries to remove my hands from his arm, avoiding my gaze, even though his voice has gotten hoarser and his breathing shallower. I can feel myself falling to bits. Breathing rapid as panic sets in and kills me from inside out

  ‘You don’t mean it, you can’t say that to me; you’re just scared and you’re tired. You’re hungover….’ I ramble, trying to curl my fingers into his clothing, tears pouring down my face pitifully, as my soul is wrenched out, sniffing back the mess pouring out of me. Arrick grabs my wrists and gives me a sharp tug