Last Words: A Diary of Survival

by Shari J. Ryan

  “Who are you to care?” Charlie retorted.

  “Absolutely no one, but I live about two hundred yards behind you, and I think I have a right to know who is passing through my property tonight.”

  The man waved at each of us with his flashlight, making it impossible for us to see what he looked like or what he was wearing. “We don’t mean any trouble, sir,” I said.

  “Now, if you tell me the truth, I’ll offer you a roof to sleep under tonight. My wife and I like to keep a low profile though, so you’ll need to answer my questions first.”

  Charlie looked down at me and curled his arm around my shoulders. “My wife and daughter weren’t safe where we were living, and I needed to get us out of there for a while until things settle down.”

  “The stolen car?” he asked.

  “I had no other way to get us out of there.”

  “There?” he continued to press the subject.

  “We were living just outside of Terezin.”

  “Just outside, huh?” the man asked.

  Lucie whimpered from behind the shield I was creating, so I lifted her up and perched her on my thigh. “Shh, baby girl.” Her head fell limply against my chest, and her hands gripped the material of my dress.

  “She’s quite small,” the man said. “How old is your daughter?”

  “Just over a year,” I answered quickly, without giving Charlie the option of saying something wrong. I wouldn’t expect him to remember when she was born, considering he left just weeks after.

  “She looks much younger than that,” the man said. She had been suffering from malnutrition for a year, but if I said that, he would have known we were prisoners of a camp.

  “She’s just small like her mama,” Charlie said while placing a kiss on my cheek. The lying created waves of undeserved happiness. Listening to him speak of us as a family was something I had stopped dreaming about a year earlier when he was deployed. Hearing those words come out of Charlie’s mouth at that moment, though, reignited the hope of fulfilling that dream one day—a child I could call my own, a man who loved me, a house near a field of flowers, dresses that felt like pure cotton against my skin, and delicious foods that would melt as it touched my tongue. All those thoughts had become lost within the decimation of my world, but I still held out hope.

  “Come on,” he said. “That child is visibly starving.” I looked at Charlie, and he helped me up with Lucie. We didn’t know the man, but he seemed to be safe for that moment. “The house is just up ahead. I’ll meet you there if you want. My car is still on the side of the road.”

  “Sure, we’ll find our way over there,” Charlie said. Since the man left us in the woods to run if we pleased, it offered another inkling of hope that the stranger could be trusted. It was hard to tell who was on what side, who believed what, and who hated whom. Throughout the prior year, I had learned to believe that almost everyone hated me, other than Charlie. Out of desperation, the other Jews had even begun to turn on each other in the camp. It was survival of the fittest.

  “Do you think this is okay?” I asked Charlie once the stranger was out of hearing range.

  “It’s either this or trying to find a way through customs tonight.”

  “How are we ever going to get through customs?” I asked, having not considered that part of our journey until then. I’m not sure why it hadn’t crossed my mind, but I was more concerned with what we left behind than what was ahead.

  “Either we find a way around customs, or we find a way through it.” Charlie’s hand reached toward his pocket where his pistol was, and without a word, I knew what he was thinking. Stealing a car was bad enough, but taking a life was more than I could contemplate at that time. I knew there may not have been a choice in the matter, but it didn’t make it easier to accept. I didn’t want to be like one of them, like the person who killed Mama, or the people responsible for Papa and Jakob dying.

  “Amelia, I’m trying to save us. I promise you, that’s all I’m trying to do.”

  “Charlie, you don’t need to explain yourself. You have proven your feelings more than enough times. I know your intentions are good and pure.” He looked at me for a moment, and I could almost read each thought swimming through his eyes. I wished he had shared every one of them with me, but Charlie was a man of few words. I cherished every word he offered, but I wanted more. He tugged at my arm, pulling it away from Lucie, and ripped the Jude patch from the sleeve of my jacket. I hadn’t thought to do that, so it was wise that he did.

  “Take off your coat,” Charlie demanded. Puzzled at his stern request, I removed the layer of clothing, and he quickly tore the Jude star off my dress, too. How could I have forgotten? Our clothes, filthy appearance, and state of malnutrition hinted that Lucie and I were from Terezin, but that star would have confirmed who we were. No one could know that truth. As we moved forward, a gas lamp shined through the trees, serving as a guide, welcoming us to the man’s house. Lucie was wide awake at that time and taking in her surroundings, babbling as if she were trying to communicate with us. “I know, baby. Everything’s going to be all right, sweet girl,” I assured her.

  Once we arrived at the house, I found the outside to be odd. The area was covered with trees, which shaded the windows, and there wasn’t a path that led to the front door. It was a log cabin, fully covered in vines, nearly camouflaged against the wooded area. It seemed as if the man was also hiding.

  The moment we stepped onto the cement block leading to the front door, the gas lamp went off, the door opened, and we were hurried inside of the candlelit house.

  Each interior wall was as it was outside, but without the vines. Dark paneling and matching floors held the glow from a small fire in a metal pit along the far wall. There were old, tattered chairs strewn around what looked to be a handmade, wooden table, but beyond that, there was emptiness.

  After the man let us in, he disappeared into another room without a word, leaving the three of us standing like statues in front of the closed door. There was a lot of commotion between the man and a woman, who I assumed to be his wife, but it was hard to tell what they were saying. We waited several minutes before they joined us in what appeared to be their main living area, and it was instantaneously obvious how they felt about our presence.

  With enough light, I could see that the man was older—maybe around Papa’s age, and the woman looked to be around Mama’s age. She was wearing an old, worn dress, and he was cloaked similarly in gray slacks and a white, cotton shirt. “Your baby, she’s hungry?” the woman asked. She had a strong Swedish accent, and I wondered why she would be there in Czechoslovakia if she were from Sweden.

  “Yes, Madame,” I replied. “She is, but our intentions were not to beg for food.”

  “Oh, hush,” she said. “Louis already explained your situation to me.”

  I felt very uneasy even though things seemed to be okay, but I couldn’t help wondering what Louis explained to her? I dreaded that it was only a matter of time before they would figure out the truth. Lucie and I were extremely dirty and smelled vile.

  “Come,” she summoned us toward her with an inviting nod before gently placing her hand on my back as she led us into her small kitchen. There was a fresh loaf of bread on the counter and a basket of fruits hanging from beneath one of the cupboards. My mouth filled with saliva, dreaming of what it would be like to taste something so tart again.

  I became more curious about their story and why they were in the middle of the woods alone, but I wasn’t there to pry, and Mama always told me it was rude to ask too many questions when invited into someone’s home. Plus, if I didn’t want them asking about me, I should offer them the same courtesy.

  “I’m Svaya,” she offered.

  “I’m Amelia, this is Lucie and—my husband, Charlie,” I replied.

  She leaned forward and smiled at Lucie. “May I?” She held her arms out, wanting to hold the little girl I didn’t want to release after being freed from that hell. However, after a mo
ment of hesitation, I reminded myself how unbearably tired and weak my arms felt from holding her so long. I handed Lucie to Svaya, watching a smitten appearance take over her forlorn features. Lucie cooed as Svaya tickled her tummy. She even giggled, and it was the first time I ever heard that sweet sound from her. I felt thankful that Lucie would never remember what she was born into.

  With my sweet girl in one arm, Svaya tended to the loaf of bread and sliced up some fruit as if she had heard my thoughts. Drool pooled in the corners of my mouth as she placed the food down on a plate. She sat on one of the carved chairs, and I situated myself on the other as she fed Lucie small pieces of the fruit and bread. I took bigger bites but made sure to leave enough for Charlie.

  After a few moments, the men joined us, both quiet and reserved as if they shared uncomfortable words. “Charlie, I saved some for you,” I told him.

  “Amelia, eat,” he said, sternly. “I want you and Lucie to have it.”

  “That’s nonsense. There’s plenty for all of you,” Svaya said. She stood with Lucie and sliced up more of the food as Charlie rubbed my back. “What happened to your arm, young man?”

  “I was deployed to Prague for a year. I was too close to a mine field when one of our men mistakenly assumed there was a clear path. I was one of the lucky ones.” I had yet to ask Charlie what happened because I couldn’t handle the thought of what took place. It was selfish to be ignorant, but my mind was too bogged down and weak to take in more than I already had to handle. I stopped chewing the fruits as his words sank in, and images flashed through my mind. He must have been terrified.

  “Goodness. I’m glad you survived,” she said. “You’re a hero.”

  “No, madame. I was just doing what I was told to do.”

  “I see,” she said, appearing to understand that Charlie was not one of those soldiers.

  “Can I take your coats?” Louis offered.

  I was becoming quite warm from the fire, so I complied without hesitation. “Please,” I said gratefully, as I shrugged the coat off my shoulders and handed it to Louis. “Thank you for your kindness.”

  As he took the coat, he stared at my malnourished appearance with shock. “You’re a—a Jew,” he said with distaste as he took a step back. The transition was immediate as he eyed me differently than he had a moment earlier.

  “I told you she was a Jew, Louis,” Svaya said.

  “How can that be?” Louis asked. “You’re a soldier.” He pointed at Charlie as if he were also the enemy, just from association with my kind. “You’re helping them escape, aren’t you?” They figured everything out, just as I feared they would.

  Charlie looked between the two strangers, noticeably unsure of how to respond. “Love is stronger than hate,” he said simply.

  “Surely, you aren’t married, then,” Svaya said as she handed Lucie back to me.

  “What does it matter?” Charlie argued. “I love her, and if she could be my wife, she would be. There’s no difference in my mind.”

  My heart felt so full of love at that moment that I felt the unfamiliar sensation of joyful tears pricking at my eyelids, but I kept them hidden inside as I had grown accustomed to doing. I agreed with Charlie. It didn’t matter who he was. It only mattered what he was inside, and that he was a man who would risk his life to protect a little girl and me—two people he didn’t need to be concerned with.

  Louis grabbed Svaya by the arm and pulled her into a room down the short hallway.

  “We need to leave,” Charlie said.

  “And go where?” I argued, wanting to see what they would say after discussing the situation.

  Charlie didn’t have an answer. Instead, he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry I hadn’t asked you what happened to your arm,” I blurted out.

  “There wasn’t much time to ask questions,” he said.

  “It should have been the first question I asked you, but I was scared to hear the truth. I’m still afraid to see the damage, which is ridiculous after everything I’ve already seen.”

  “It isn’t ridiculous,” he rebutted. “It’s what happens when you care about someone. It hurts you to see that person in pain. It’s how I have felt about you for so long, Amelia. It’s why I need to keep you safe. I need you to be free, happy, and out of agony. It’s all I care about.”

  I took his hand and placed it on my chest. “Inside here, there’s happiness. You may not be able to see it, but it’s there, and it’s because of you.” My heart was beating fast, partly from panic and partly due to the realization that Charlie loved me so much, he was willing to risk his life for me.

  “Your heart is pounding, Amelia,” he said.

  “It’s because of you.” He leaned down and softly touched his lips to mine.

  “I love you, my Amelia.”

  I pressed his hand a little firmer against my chest. “I’m happy you can feel my heart.”

  “I can,” he said with a small smile. “Someday, I’ll make you feel safe, and you will be able to tell me how you feel with words.” I wasn’t sure if that would ever be the case, so I didn’t respond.

  Svaya and Louis returned—his arm was around his wife’s shoulders as she peered down to her clasped fingers. “You can stay here tonight, but you need to be gone in the morning. We’ve hidden out here for too long to risk having a Jew in our home.” I couldn’t imagine what they were hiding from, but I accepted their offer without argument. I understood it was a risk for them to have us in their home, and I appreciated the one night.

  “I’ve set up some blankets for you three in the extra bedroom. We’ll keep the fire going a bit longer so you stay warm.”

  “Thank you, again, for your kind hospitality,” I said.

  She nodded. “Follow me, and I’ll show you to the room.” I walked past Charlie, leaving him behind with Louis. The only thing I heard as I entered the spare room was, “I told you to be honest with me, son. You’re a soldier. You should know better than to help a Jew at a time like this. You’re risking your life for her.”

  “I’m aware, sir,” he said, quickly ending the discussion as he made his way down the hall to find Lucie and me.

  “We are just across the hall,” Svaya said before closing us into the empty room with the blankets and a small oil lamp in the corner. I fluffed the couple of blankets she gave us and made an area for the three of us to sleep on. I wasn’t sure Lucie would sleep well after napping so much on the way there, but she looked tired, so I was hopeful that she would rest along with us.

  The door reopened, and Louis stuck his head inside. “Be gone before sunrise,” he said.

  “Of course,” Charlie complied, tipping his head in agreement. We needed to leave early anyway so we could find a way around that checkpoint—a plan that seemed impossible. Though, it was clearer than ever that we had no other choice.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Emma

  When I finish this entry of Grams’s diary, I’m a bit surprised when I look up to see she’s still awake, considering she’s been asleep each time I’ve read to her before. “You’re still awake?” I mention with a smile.

  “Well, of course,” Grams says. “You’re getting close to the end.”

  I notice that there are only a few pages left in the diary, which makes me sad because I don’t want their story to end.

  “Grams, I want to help you find Charlie,” I tell her.

  “Sweetie, I know we have technological resources now that can do incredible things, but I’m not very confident that you’ll be able to find him.”

  “If I did, would you be happy?”

  Grams grabs my hands firmly. “Emma Hill, if you find that man for me, I will forever be grateful. However, if you can’t find him, I will still die knowing how lucky I am to have such an incredibly loving granddaughter.”

  “I’m going to find him, whether he’s dead or alive,” I tell her.

  “Emma,” Grams says. “If you happen to read the last couple of entries
without me…” Her hands loosen from around mine, and she places them over her heart. “Try not to be upset about the secrets I have held inside all these years. I had my reasons, and they were out of love and protection.”

  “Secrets, Grams?”

  Her lips turn down into a grimace I’ve never seen on her face before.

  “I feel as though my life was built on lies, and the last thing I wanted to do was teach your mom, aunt, and of course, you, that lying is the only way to get through life. It may have been the only way back then, but honesty is what sets us free, Emma. Maybe if I had been honest sooner, I would have been freed from this emotional pain that I may die with.”

  “Grams, you can talk to me,” I say, climbing into the bed with her. I lay my head on her shoulder and wrap my arm around her chest. “Please, tell me.”

  She drapes her arms around my shoulders and sighs. “I just—it will hurt those people it involves.” I’m already hurting, and I can’t imagine what she’s holding back.

  I rest beside her in silence as my brain pieces together the scattered parts of the puzzle. I’m not sure I’d be able to hold onto a secret for so long. I’ve been an open book most of my life, and secrets, even the small ones, hurt to keep inside. “I think we’re running out of time, Emma. If you think you can find Charlie for me, I would be very grateful.”

  “I won’t stop until I find him,” I tell her.

  “Go,” she says, turning her head to kiss me on the cheek. “Be my hero.”

  I kiss her on the forehead and slide out of the bed. “Mom sent me a text and told me she’s on her way with Annie.” I’m not sure visiting hours have even begun yet, but Jackson obviously has a little pull with that. “I love you, Grams.”

  “You’ll always be my sweetheart, Emma. Thank you.”

  I relocate myself back into the waiting room and plug my laptop in. If I have to go through the records of every single Charlie Crane in this world, I will.

  Before I’m through the second page of Charlie Cranes, Mom and Annie walk in, forcing me to pause my search. “Did you really sleep here all night?” Mom asks.