The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I know what you mean. When I think cancer I think older people, breast cancer or prostate, never a young girl,’ Hazel agreed.

  A stable boy arrived with their coffee and a plate of chocolate biscuits. They thanked him.

  Kate took a sip: the coffee was delicious. She watched Jess as Julian guided her carefully over a small jump and praised her. Jess beamed.

  She looked so much smaller than Chloë now. She was so thin and frail. Beside her, Chloë was a picture of health. Jess’s stick-like legs clung to the saddle in jodhpurs that were once almost too small for her but now flapped about her thighs like flags.

  ‘She’s a great kid, Kate, and you’re a brilliant mum. I don’t know how you do it. I can barely cope with Chloë. I’d have liked more kids but … well …’

  ‘What happened?’ Kate asked gently.

  ‘I had really bad haemorrhaging after Chloë was born and they had to do a hysterectomy.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Yeah, me too. I’d have liked her to have siblings. We thought about adopting, but Keith wasn’t keen on social workers poking their noses into our lives and our finances. So we agreed that we’d stick with Chloë and give her the best life possible.’

  ‘Well, you’re certainly doing that.’

  Hazel nodded, and Kate saw that her eyes were full of tears. Suddenly they had gone from idle chit-chat on the doorstep to a very intense personal conversation. It happened to Kate all the time now. Whenever she bumped into someone there was no small-talk about the weather or how the café was doing, people told her really personal things. She didn’t know why. Maybe it was because her life was so serious now and they wanted to relate to her somehow by telling her their stories of struggle. Or maybe they wanted to have proper conversations about real issues but hadn’t known how to do it before. Whatever the reason, in the last few months Kate had found out more about people than she ever had before Jess became ill.

  Chloë cantered towards a small jump, but pulled up her horse in front of it. ‘I can’t do it.’

  Jess cried, ‘Come on, Chloë, if I can do it with cancer, you can too.’

  ‘Maybe cancer makes you braver,’ Chloë replied.

  Jess looked thoughtful. ‘Maybe it does. I guess when you face dying, nothing else seems very scary.’

  ‘You see? It’s easier for you,’ Chloë said.

  Hazel stood up to scold her, but Kate pulled her down. ‘Don’t. Please. It’s good for Jess to talk freely about her cancer. I’ve never heard her do it before so she’s obviously feeling very relaxed. It’s great that Chloë isn’t tiptoeing around her.’

  Jess squeezed her horse with her legs and soared easily over the jump. ‘See? It’s not hard.’

  Julian, tactfully saying nothing, pulled Chloë’s horse back around.

  ‘When I get close, I panic. What do you do when you’re just in front of the jump?’ Chloë asked Jess.

  Jess patted her horse’s neck. ‘I close my eyes and trust the horse. A horse won’t let you down if you trust it. They have to feel like you’re their friend. When I jump, I feel like I’m flying. I feel like nothing can touch me or hurt me. Like I’m free from … well, everything, like pain and cancer.’

  Kate gripped her hands together. While it was lovely to hear Jess talking freely about cancer, it was also incredibly difficult. She hated her daughter having these thoughts, that her grasp of life’s cruellest lessons had been forced on her so young.

  ‘She’s amazing,’ Hazel said quietly. ‘She’s so mature and brave.’

  ‘I know,’ Kate agreed. ‘I just wish to God she didn’t have to be. I wish her life was normal and carefree. Life gets so complicated when you’re older. Kids should just be kids. She shouldn’t have to deal with chemo and bone-marrow transplants and infections. She should just be horse-riding and going to school and having fun.’

  Hazel put down her coffee cup. ‘You’re right. It’s completely crap. But, you know, when she comes through this, Jess’ll be even more extraordinary than she already is. The very first time I met Jess I said to Chloë, “There’s something special about her. It’s like she’s been here before. She’s got an old soul.”’

  ‘My mother used to say that about her,’ Kate said. ‘As well as that thing about health being wealth.’ She felt a sudden pain in her heart. She wished her mother was there now. She’d know what to do and say and how to reassure Kate that it was going to be okay. She’d tell her not to worry about the cancer coming back, to take the good news about the remission and trust it. She would have swept away Kate’s nagging worry that it wasn’t over yet.

  She tried to remember the mindfulness teacher’s advice: breathe and live in the moment. She focused on Jess’s beaming face, not on her emaciated body. She concentrated on her daughter being in her happiest place, on the back of a horse, feeling free. She fought against the negative fears that were always there, crowded at the edge of her mind.

  Please let it be over, she thought.

  24

  Nick handed Jenny a tissue and tried to be sympathetic. He was going to be late to pick up Jess now. Damn.

  ‘I just feel so alone, Nick. You’re always at work or visiting Jess, and I know she’s sick and you need to spend time with her, but I seem to be the last person on your list of priorities. I miss you, and Jaden misses you too. I want you to have a good relationship with him. I want you to be best friends.’

  Nick stiffened. ‘My relationship with Jaden is fine. He’s a baby, Jenny. All he wants is to eat and sleep.’

  Jenny sniffled. ‘You just don’t get it, Nick. You form a bond with your baby from the minute they’re born. It says so in all the books. You need to spend more time with Jaden and me. I hate being stuck in this apartment all day. When you do come home, you’re always tired and narky.’

  Nick tried to remain calm. He knew if he upset her he’d never get away. ‘Look, Jenny, I know you’re finding it all a bit difficult but I’m working my arse off to pay for everything for both families and I’m trying to be there for my daughter, who has cancer, and, yes, I am tired all the time. I’m tired and worried and really stressed about Jess.’

  Jenny started crying. ‘I just want it to be back to the way it was when we had fun and you looked after me and made me feel so special. I don’t like this life. I don’t think I’m made to be a mother. My own mother was shit at it and maybe I’m no good either. I find it really hard and scary. I keep panicking and thinking Jaden’s going to get cancer and die, or something else terrible is going to happen to him. What if the cancer’s genetic?’

  Nick glanced at the clock. Damn. He was twenty minutes late. ‘It’s not genetic. Jaden’s fine. Please, Jenny, you need to calm down. You’re a great mother and Jaden is a really happy kid. Look, Jess’s treatment will be over in a few months and she’ll be well again, and we can all go back to normal.’ He hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. Every time he looked at Jess he felt as if he was being punched in the chest. She was so sick.

  He leant over and gave Jenny a hug. ‘I’ve got to go. I promised Jess I’d pick her up. I’ll come back tonight and cook you dinner and we’ll open a bottle of wine. How about that?’

  Jenny nodded. ‘Sounds good. But be home by six. I want you to play with Jaden before he goes to bed. My dad was never around, and I want Jaden and you to be really close.’

  Nick rushed out of the apartment and drove like a maniac to collect Jess. She was waiting at the front door for him, wrapped up in her winter coat.

  ‘Sorry!’ Nick said, as he hugged her. ‘I’m really sorry. Did you text Larry to say we were running late?’

  ‘Yes, it’s fine. It’s not like he’s going anywhere,’ Jess said, but she didn’t smile.

  ‘He’ll be okay. He’s a tough kid.’

  Jess put on her seatbelt and looked out of the window. ‘Not everyone gets better, Dad,’ she said quietly.

  Nick gripped the steering-wheel. ‘But you will. Luke’s bone marrow will cure you.’
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  Jess sighed. ‘I wish everyone would stop telling me that. It might not. Some of the cancer is still in there. Luke’s bone marrow may not cure me, Dad. Larry could die and so could I. That’s a fact. Larry and Nathalie are the only people who actually let me say it.’

  Nick slammed on the brakes to stop the car crashing into the one in front. The palms of his hands were damp with sweat. ‘Please don’t say that, Jess. We all just want you to get better and have the great life you deserve.’

  ‘I want to get better too, but there’s no guarantee. I can’t make myself better. I’m trying, Dad, doing my best. I’m taking all the horrible drugs and praying and hoping and, well, I’m doing my best.’ Jess began to cry.

  Nick pulled into the car park and leant over to hug her. ‘Oh, Jessie, I know you’re trying, sweetheart. It’s awful for you. I wish I could rip the cancer out of your body. But Luke’s cells are going to cure you, I just know they are. Look at him – he’s the fittest guy I know.’ He tried not to get upset: he had to be strong for her. Jess’s bird-like body trembled as she cried into his shoulder.

  She pulled back and he handed her a tissue. Jess looked at herself in the mirror. ‘I don’t want Larry to know I’ve been crying.’ She fished around in her bag and took out some make-up. Nick didn’t like her wearing it – she seemed too young – but he wasn’t going to stop her now.

  Jess examined herself in the mirror. ‘For a bald girl with cancer, I look okay.’

  ‘You’re beautiful, the most stunning girl in the world.’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘You have to say that. You’re my dad.’

  Nick smiled. ‘True, but I mean it. I’m so proud of you, Jess, the way you’re fighting this cancer. You’ve been so strong. We Higginses are warriors, and you get that from me. I know you’ll be fine because you’re not going to give up. None of us is going to give up until you’re cured.’

  Jess remained quiet. Nick was worried that maybe he’d come on too strong. But he wanted her to know that he was behind her and that it was vital she keep on fighting.

  ‘Dad, can we go now?’

  ‘Sure, of course.’

  They walked into the hospital in silence, each lost in thought. Nick went with Jess to Haematology and Oncology and popped in to say hi to Larry. He seemed like a nice kid, but Nick didn’t know him and didn’t have time to get involved with any more kids. He made Jess laugh, though, and she seemed to like him so Nick was fine with that. He wanted Larry to get better, but he seemed to be getting worse. Nick didn’t want Jess upset. He worried about the damage it would do to her morale if anything happened to Larry.

  When Larry saw Jess his whole face lit up. ‘Better late than never, I guess.’ He grinned.

  ‘Dad’s fault,’ Jess said.

  ‘Sorry, I was late picking her up.’

  ‘’S okay. She’s here now. So, what news from the outside world?’

  Jess sat down on the side of his bed. ‘I went horse riding.’

  ‘Did you fall off?’

  ‘No! I was brilliant. I even did some jumps.’

  ‘Bet it felt good.’

  ‘Amazing. I didn’t feel sick when I was riding. I was me again.’

  ‘That’s the best feeling. The longer you’re sick, the harder it gets to forget.’

  ‘I can see that. So how are you?’

  ‘Not feeling too good. I think this chemo’s going to kill me. It’s the worst.’

  ‘Yeah, but it’ll make you better,’ Nick said automatically. ‘Stay positive.’

  They both turned to face him.

  ‘Seriously?’ Larry raised an eyebrow.

  Jess giggled. ‘I know, they’re all the same.’

  ‘What?’ Nick asked. ‘I’m just trying to help. A positive attitude is important in all aspects of life.’

  ‘It’s also important to be able to be honest,’ Larry said. ‘I’m sorry, Mr H, but sometimes, after yet another day of puking your guts up into a bowl, feeling positive just isn’t an option.’

  Nick shuffled about uncomfortably. ‘No, right – I mean, I get that. But in general it’s good to stay focused and upbeat.’

  ‘Is that for you or for us?’ Larry looked directly at him.

  ‘Well – I – for everyone,’ Nick stuttered, unable to meet Larry’s eye.

  The door opened and a man came in. He handed Larry a bottle of water. ‘Hi, Jess.’

  ‘Hi, Mr Wilkinson. How are you?’

  ‘Better for seeing you, thanks. You’ve come to visit?’

  ‘Yep, can’t keep me away.’

  ‘You’re some girl.’ He smiled. Then, seeing Nick, he proffered a hand. ‘Hi, I’m Norman, Larry’s dad.’

  ‘Nick, Jess’s dad. Nice to meet you.’ Nick moved towards the door, glad of the interruption and the opportunity to escape. ‘I’ll leave you guys to it. Is an hour enough time, Jess? I have to get back to the office for three.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’ Jess smiled.

  Nick walked out, followed by Norman.

  ‘She’s a wonderful girl,’ Norman said. ‘It’ll mean the world to Larry that she’s come to visit.’

  ‘Larry’s a great kid. Jess is very fond of him.’

  Norman smiled sadly. ‘Yeah, he is. He can be a handful at times, but he’s our pride and joy. He was a great footballer.’

  ‘Really?’ Nick said.

  ‘Yep. Striker. We had every club in Dublin trying to poach him.’

  ‘Wow. Well, I’m sure it’ll take him a while to get back to form, but when he gets better he can go back to football.’

  Norman shook his head. ‘No, he’s been out for eighteen months. His muscles are wasted. It’d take him years to get back to fitness and that’s if … He’s been in remission three times. We left here thinking it was over, but each time it came back. It gets harder to keep your hopes up.’

  Nick didn’t want to hear this. He wanted to hear the good stuff. He wanted to talk to the parents of kids who went into remission and stayed in remission. Kids who never came back. Kids who were back playing football and scoring goals. That was why he avoided the other parents on the ward. He didn’t want to hear the bad stories. It was difficult enough to keep positive without hearing about other patients getting worse.

  ‘Well, I’m sure he’ll pull through. He seems like a tough boy.’ He tried to move away.

  ‘He is, Nick, but there are some things that, no matter how hard you try, you can’t beat.’

  ‘Well, hopefully he’ll get a break this time. Kids are amazingly resilient. They’re stronger than we think.’

  ‘But not invincible.’

  Fucking hell! Would this guy ever shove off? Nick did not want to listen to any negative talk. He refused to believe the worst could happen, no way. It was unthinkable.

  ‘Well, I’m going to make a few work calls. Nice to meet you, Norman.’

  ‘You, too, and you should be very proud of your lovely daughter.’

  ‘I am, I really am.’ Nick was choking up so he began to walk away. He was proud of Jess. So proud. She was his precious girl and he was damned if he was going to lose her.

  25

  Piper pulled at the waistband on her skirt. It wasn’t going to close, no matter what. She rummaged around for a safety-pin.

  There was a thump on the door.

  ‘What the hell, Piper? I need to get my lip-gloss,’ Penny shouted.

  ‘Go away,’ Piper snapped. She was in no mood for her sisters. Shit, shit, shit. Her stomach was beginning to grow and she still hadn’t told Luke. She began to sweat as she imagined his face when she dropped the bombshell.

  She pushed aside the twins’ mounds of cheap make-up and found nothing. No safety-pin, no needle and thread, nothing to hold up her skirt. What the hell was she going to do?

  ‘Muuuuuum! Piper’s hogging the bathroom,’ Penny roared.

  ‘Open up, Piper. I need my hair spray.’ Poppy shook the door handle.

  God, this bloody house! You couldn’t get a second’s peace!
Piper pulled her jumper down over her open skirt and flung the door open.

  ‘There you go, you rude, ignorant pigs.’ She stormed past her sisters.

  ‘Jeez, relax,’ Penny said.

  ‘Yeah, seriously, who bit you in the arse?’ Poppy said, and the twins giggled.

  Piper went into her bedroom and slammed the door. Pauline was sitting up in bed with her laptop open on her knees. Piper began flinging drawers open and slamming them shut.

  ‘What are you looking for? Maybe I can help before you tear the house down,’ Pauline said.

  ‘Don’t you start! I just need a fucking safety-pin.’ Piper kicked the bottom drawer of her bedside locker shut and sat down heavily on her bed.

  Pauline opened her drawer and pulled out a little box of safety-pins, which she silently handed to her sister.

  Piper muttered thanks and turned sideways to pin her skirt closed.

  ‘I know,’ Pauline said quietly.

  ‘Know what?’ Piper said, as she tried to close the safety-pin.

  ‘I know why your skirt won’t close.’

  Piper stabbed herself with the pin. ‘Ouch.’ She was too distracted to pay attention to her sister’s comment.

  ‘Piper?’

  ‘What? Jesus, I’m trying to concentrate here.’ Piper snapped the safety-pin shut and breathed a sigh of relief.

  Pauline got out of bed, went to the bedroom door and locked it.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Piper asked, picking up her schoolbag.

  Pauline stared at her sister. ‘Piper, I know.’

  Piper froze. ‘Know what?’

  Pauline pointed to her stomach. ‘I know you’re pregnant.’

  Piper’s heart skipped a beat. ‘What are you talking about?’

  Pauline sat down on her bed opposite her sister. ‘Piper, you can talk to me. I’ve known for a while, but I was waiting for you to tell me or Mum and Dad but you still haven’t and you’re going to start showing soon. How long are you planning on keeping it a secret?’