‘I’m very sorry, but the bone-marrow transplant has not been successful … The test results showed a relapse … Most unfortunate.’
‘Relapse’ was the word Kate heard through the fog. Such an ordinary little word, but it had the ability to destroy you. She’d known. In her heart she’d known Jess wasn’t getting better. In the first two weeks after the transplant she’d been full of hope, but after Christmas she’d watched Jess go downhill. She’d barely eaten, slept all the time, shrunk physically before Kate’s eyes. She’d known, but she hadn’t let herself know.
Oh, Jess, my beautiful Jess. Why hadn’t Luke’s bone marrow worked? He was so strong and healthy. They’d all been so sure it would save her. Kate had allowed herself to hope. Why? Why? Why?
Her head felt as if it was being crushed. What did this really mean? Was Jess going to die? No, no way. They’d fix her – they’d find a way. There had to be more treatment. They’d only tried one bone-marrow transplant – they could do another. Maybe with donor marrow. This was only the beginning. But Jess was so weak: could she take any more treatment? What about infections? Kate bent over and clutched her stomach. The pain was searing. There had to be light – there had to be some kind of light at the end of this dark tunnel. Please, God.
‘Okay, so it didn’t work, which is – is a setback. So what do we do now?’ Nick snapped. ‘More chemo? Another transplant? How do we fix this? How do we make her better? What’s the plan?’
Dr Kennedy explained that there were some options. He said that approximately thirty per cent of children with AML experienced relapse. He spoke of re-induction regimens … high-dose cytarabine … anthracycline … depending on cardiac function … fludarabine … clofarabine … Kate’s head spun. She couldn’t take it in, couldn’t begin to fathom what all those words meant.
Nick banged his hand on the desk. ‘Can you just give it to us in plain English, please? What can we do now?’
Dr Kennedy clasped his hands together. ‘I would suggest that we could try one course of chemotherapy using novel agents. I have to warn you that it is aggressive and there are risks involved. Jess is weak, and infections would be a concern. But if she reacted well, it could certainly help to get her back into remission, partial or otherwise.’
Nick stood up. ‘Right, let’s do it. When do we start?’
Aggressive chemotherapy? When was it not aggressive? If Dr Kennedy was saying it was going to be aggressive, it must be horrendous, Kate thought, with a shudder. Jess was so weak – could she take it? Would it kill her? Kate’s head was spinning with fear and questions and worry and terror.
‘Can she start tomorrow?’ Nick asked.
‘Wait, hold on,’ Kate said, raising her head. ‘Can she take it? Should we wait until she’s a bit stronger? Should we build her up? Is it safe?’
‘She’s not getting stronger,’ Nick snapped. ‘For Christ’s sake, Kate, she’s getting worse. We have to act now.’
Kate pressed her fingers to her temples to try to help her think straight. This was Jess’s life they were talking about. They had to be sure it was the right decision. It felt so rushed. At one second you’re told the treatment hasn’t worked, and the next you’re discussing new options, aggressive options … There was no time to process it all. She had to be absolutely sure.
Kate eyeballed Dr Kennedy. ‘If it was your daughter, would you do this?’
He looked her straight in the eye. ‘I think it’s worth trying.’
Kate breathed deeply. ‘Then let’s do it.’
‘We need to discuss it with Jess. Would you rather do it or would you like me to?’ Dr Kennedy asked.
‘I think she needs to hear it from you. You can explain it better,’ Nick said.
Kate bit her lip so hard, she drew blood.
Dr Kennedy stood up and went to call Jess in. She was sitting outside, reading a magazine.
Kate patted the empty chair beside her. Jess was searching her eyes for answers. Kate blinked back tears. Jess’s face fell. She knew. Kate reached out to hold her hand. Jess closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
‘How are you feeling, Jess?’ Dr Kennedy said quietly.
‘Not great,’ Jess whispered.
As clearly as he could, Dr Kennedy explained that the treatment hadn’t worked, and that they were going to try another round of more radical chemo. It was torture watching Jess’s face as she took in the news. Nick put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed it tightly.
‘Do you understand what I’ve said to you, Jess?’ the doctor asked.
‘Yes, I do. I knew it hadn’t worked,’ she said quietly.
Kate wanted to throw her arms around her, to take away her pain, but she was useless in the face of this stupid, horrible, cruel disease.
‘So, you think this new chemo could help?’ Jess asked.
‘I think it’s worth trying.’
‘Is it going to be worse than the other chemo?’
‘It’s going to be a bit more aggressive.’
‘Oh.’
Kate reached out and put her arms around her daughter, but Jess shrugged her off. She moved away from Nick too.
‘We’re only going to do one course,’ Dr Kennedy said.
‘It’s only about six days and then it’ll be done. It’s worth it, Jess,’ Nick said.
Jess glared at him. ‘It’s not your body, Dad. It’s not you who has to have poison put into you that makes you so sick you want to die.’
Nick flinched. ‘I know, Jessie. I know it’s awful, but it’ll make you better. What’s a week against a lifetime?’
‘Might make me better, Dad,’ Jess corrected.
Kate laid her hand gently on Jess’s arm. ‘Why don’t you have some time to think about it? It’s a lot to take in.’
‘There’s nothing to think about,’ Nick barked. ‘She’s doing it, starting ASAP.’
Kate frowned at him. ‘Give her time, Nick.’
‘We don’t have time!’
Dr Kennedy stood up. ‘Jess, take a day or two to think it over and discuss it with your parents. When you’ve made your decision you can call me and we’ll take it from there.’
Nick shook a finger in his face. ‘There’s no taking a few days to think it over. She’s doing it. Set it up.’
Dr Kennedy regarded him coldly. ‘It’s important for Jess to have time to consider the option I’ve set out before her. Take a day or two to process it. Let me know when you’ve made a decision.’ He showed them out.
They walked down the corridor in shattered silence. Kate looked at Nick, pleading with her eyes for him to let it drop for now. But Nick was like a man possessed. He arranged his face into an awkward smile and moved close to Jess. ‘You have to start as soon as possible, Jess. We don’t have a minute to waste. We need to get on with it.’
‘Stop hassling me, Dad!’
‘Leave her, Nick,’ Kate said. ‘She’s had a shock.’
Nick rubbed his eyes. ‘Look, I’m not hassling you, Jess. I just want to make you better.’
‘It might not work, though, and it’s going to be awful.’ Jess began to cry. ‘I hate this. I hate it so much.’
‘Oh, Jess, it will work – it has to.’ Nick’s voice cracked as he bent down to hug her.
Kate watched them, and let her own tears flow. If she could have taken Jess’s place, she’d have done it in a heartbeat, without a thought. She’d welcome physical pain: it would be a relief from the constant emotional torture. But she couldn’t do anything. She was useless. Utterly useless. The cancer was doing whatever it wanted, rampaging around her daughter’s body, and she hadn’t a single weapon to use against it. The first instinct of motherhood was to protect. That was her duty. And she couldn’t fulfil it. She felt a grief that took her breath away – grief for her beautiful Jess and grief for her inability to help her. Looking at Nick, she knew it was killing him too. They were failures.
Jess peered up and saw her mother crying. She held out her arm. Kate went over and the three of
them held each other, each praying for a miracle, each praying for an end to the hell they were in.
34
Jess was trying not to hyperventilate. She looked in the hand mirror for the zillionth time. Piper reached over and took it from her.
‘You’re gorgeous.’
‘Totally fab,’ Chloë agreed. ‘Piper did, like, an awesome job on your make-up.’
Jess smiled nervously. ‘Is he definitely coming? Like, definitely?’
‘Yes.’ Chloë grinned. ‘I’ve told you a zillion times. Mum told Dad that we needed to cheer you up because you were about to start the new horrible chemo. So Dad called his friend, who knows Drago’s agent, and he phoned the agent and he said Drago was in Dublin for a week and he’d come to see you. The fact that he’s here the week of your chemo is, like, Fate. You could be destined for each other.’
Jess giggled. Chloë was mad but in the best way. This had been such a brilliant distraction from the hell she was facing tomorrow. She was so happy to have this visit to take her mind off the chemo. She was dreading it more than anything and felt panicky every time she thought about it.
But today … Drago Jackson was coming to hospital to visit her! The coolest singer ever. She couldn’t believe it. Since Chloë had FaceTimed her, screaming, two days ago to tell her, she’d barely slept. Drago Jackson! It was unbelievable.
She worshipped him. ‘Never Let Me Go’ was her favourite song ever. Larry used to make fun of her obsession and tell her she was a freak, that he was just a sixteen-year-old geek and couldn’t sing, that it was all backing tracks and lip-synching. But Jess hadn’t believed him: she thought Drago was the best singer ever. His voice was amazing.
‘Do you know if the baby’s a boy or a girl?’ Chloë asked Piper.
‘No. We’ve decided to wait. We want it to be a surprise.’
‘That’s cool. Are you excited?’
Piper instinctively put her hand to her stomach. ‘Yes. Now that everyone knows and is being so supportive, I feel calmer and excited. Nervous, too, though.’
‘You’ll be such a cool mum,’ Chloë said. ‘I’d love to have you and Luke as my parents.’
Piper laughed. ‘I’m not so sure about that, but thanks.’
‘And me as their aunt,’ Jess said, applying lip-gloss for the tenth time.
‘Totally,’ Chloë agreed. ‘You’ll be such a brilliant auntie, and I can be like a nearly aunt, can’t I?’
‘Of course you can,’ Piper said.
‘Your mum’s like my fairy godmother,’ Jess told Chloë. ‘I still can’t believe she organized this for me. I’m so happy.’
Chloë flicked back her long blonde hair. ‘You know she adores you. She’s, like, “Jess is the sweetest girl ever” all the time. If you weren’t my BF and I didn’t love you so much, it would be really annoying.’
Jess and Piper laughed. Chloë peered out of the hospital room’s door. ‘Here comes your mum.’
Kate came rushing in. ‘He’s here! Hazel just texted. They’re on the way up.’
Chloë and Jess started screaming. Kate covered her ears. ‘Girls, calm down, you’ll scare him.’
‘He’s well used to screaming girls,’ Piper assured her. ‘It’s what his career’s based on.’
‘OMG! It’s him.’ Chloë ducked back into the room and ran around flapping her arms, grinning wildly at Jess.
Jess’s mouth was dry. She thought she might faint. Her mother went over and held her hand. ‘Breathe, darling. He’s just a boy who can sing.’
She didn’t get it. Drago wasn’t a boy who could sing, he was the coolest, most divine person on this earth. Jess hadn’t felt this alive or excited since … She didn’t know how long, but definitely since she’d got cancer. It was the best day. She’d love Hazel for ever.
Just as Jess started seeing double and was about to pass out, he came through the door.
‘Ta-dah!’ Hazel said. ‘Jess, this is Drago. Drago, this is the wonderful Jess.’
Drago was shorter than Jess had expected. He was only a tiny bit taller than Chloë. He was gorgeous, though. Chloë was staring at him with her mouth open.
‘Goldfish, Chloë,’ Hazel said.
Chloë automatically closed her mouth but continued to stare.
‘This is my daughter, Chloë. She’ll stop staring in a minute.’ Hazel nudged Drago towards Jess’s bed.
‘Hey, what’s up?’ he said, in his gorgeous American accent.
‘Hi,’ was all Jess could say. She felt so dumb, but she couldn’t think of anything to say to him.
There was an awkward silence. Drago shuffled his feet.
‘Jess is a big fan.’ Piper broke the silence. ‘What’s your favourite song, Jess?’
‘It’s “Never Let Me Go”. I love that one.’ Jess blushed.
‘Cool,’ Drago said.
‘What’s the song about?’ Kate asked.
Drago shrugged. ‘You know, just about, like, never letting go and stuff.’
‘My favourite is “I’m Hot And I Know It”,’ Chloë said, her eyes never leaving Drago’s face. ‘It’s such a cool dance song.’
‘Cool,’ Drago said, nodding.
‘What’s that about, then?’ Hazel asked, cracking up.
‘It’s about being hot.’ Drago didn’t get the sarcasm.
Jess didn’t want them making fun of Drago. ‘Are you working on a new album?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, totally.’
‘Is it true you’re dating Katie Ryan?’ Chloë asked.
‘Nah, we’re just friends.’
‘Are you dating anyone?’ Chloë looked hopeful.
‘Kinda, not really,’ Drago said.
Jess wished she wasn’t bald and skinny and sick. Maybe if she was healthy and had her hair back, he might look at her. But she had no chance now. Still, it was nice to dream. She wished she could think of something clever to ask. She racked her brains. ‘Are you in Ireland for a break?’ she asked.
Drago took the fingernail he was biting out of his mouth. ‘I’m hooking up with a songwriter here to check out some tunes.’
‘Do you like the songs?’
Drago crinkled his nose. ‘I guess so.’
‘Oh, for the love of Jesus,’ Hazel muttered. ‘Why don’t you sing us something?’ she asked him.
Drago looked shocked. ‘No way, man. No one told me I’d have to sing. They said just come and say hi.’
Hazel’s face darkened. ‘Can I have a word?’ she asked, dragging him outside by the arm.
They watched as Hazel yanked him out of the room and closed the door. Through the window onto the corridor, they could see her shouting at him. Jess winced as she heard her say, ‘What the hell is wrong with you? There is a very sick girl in there and I’ve paid a bloody fortune for you to come and visit her. You’re a fucking singer, so sing something, you moron.’
Chloë and Jess exchanged a horrified look. Hazel was going to mess it all up. He’d walk out of there without a backward glance.
‘Dude, my manager said I was to come and say hi to the sick kid and, like, talk for a bit and then I was done.’
‘Your manager is a dickhead because that was not the deal. I am telling you now, get your skinny arse in there and sing something. I don’t care what you sing and I don’t care if it’s out of tune, just open your goddamn mouth and sing. In fact, sing her that song she likes and then you can go back to La La Land and snort your millions up your nose, for all I care. But you are not going to let that girl down, okay?’
‘Jeez, I did not sign up for this. I’m gonna kill Nikki.’
‘Yeah, well, Nikki isn’t here. He’s back in the hotel charging me a fortune to put him up in that suite. So stop moaning and get in there.’
Chloë shook her head. ‘My mum is so embarrassing. I am never going to get over the mortification of this. Did you hear her cursing at him? She just shouted at Drago Jackson to sing!’
Jess giggled. ‘It’s kind of funny.’ She was disappointed that Drag
o wasn’t nicer, but she still loved him.
The door opened. Hazel and Drago came back in.
‘Drago is going to sing you that song you like. Aren’t you, Drago?’
‘Yeah, whatever, but, like, I don’t have a track to sing to and my throat is dry, so it might not sound too good.’
‘You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to.’ Jess didn’t want him to feel bad. This was hard for him. Stuck in a hospital room with five women staring at him. She felt sorry for him. It was a lot of pressure.
Hazel raised her hand. ‘Drago is going to sing now.’ She handed him a glass of water. ‘Drink this for your dry throat and get on with it.’
Chloë was standing beside Jess. ‘OMG, she is so bossy,’ she whispered.
Drago cleared his throat. Jess clasped her hands together and waited for her favourite song.
My girl needs to love me the way I deserve,
Else I’m gonna go.
She ain’t giving me what I need.
I said I’m leavin’ but she says, ‘Never let me go …’
Drago’s voice was off key in parts. It sounded different – not in a good way – from the actual song. His throat must be very dry, Jess thought … or Larry was right, and it is all backing tracks.
He sang another verse, then stopped.
‘Is that it?’ Hazel barked. ‘Is that the whole song?’
‘No, there’s more,’ Chloë said.
‘Sing on,’ Hazel commanded.
‘Dude, I can’t. My voice is hurting, and I have to preserve it for my performance next week.’
‘Listen here –’
‘Hazel, it’s okay.’ Jess didn’t want Hazel to force Drago to sing on. He was going to hate Jess for being the cause of all this. ‘It was lovely of Drago to sing for me. I’m so grateful, but I understand he has to mind his voice.’ To Drago she said, ‘That was amazing. Thank you.’
‘Yeah, well, you’re welcome. I, like, hope you feel better soon.’
‘Thanks.’
He asked Hazel, ‘Can I go now?’
‘Don’t you have something to give her?’ Hazel flared at him.
The Good Mother Page 25