The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘He was nice, actually, sweet.’

  ‘Dad and the word “sweet” do not go hand in hand.’

  ‘He’s trying, Luke. At least give him credit for that.’

  Luke stroked her hair. ‘For you, anything.’

  Hazel shouted over everyone, ‘The final surprise for Jess is here – and about bloody time too.’

  They looked out of the café door, and there was a horse on the street outside.

  ‘It’s Jess the pony, and Julian!’ Jess squealed. ‘Oh, Hazel.’

  Nick picked Jess up and carried her outside to the horse. Kate followed, clutching a blanket for her, and the others streamed after them.

  ‘It’s so good to see you again, Julian,’ Jess said. ‘Thanks for bringing Jess. Can I ride her?’

  Julian nodded. ‘I’ll sit behind you and hold you and the drip. If your dad can lift you, I reckon we can go for a short walk.’

  ‘Mother of God, the neighbours are going to love this.’ George shook his head.

  Between them, Nick and Luke managed to hoist Jess into position, seated in front of Julian. Kate fussed around with the blanket, but Jess waved her away happily. Julian tapped the horse’s sides lightly and, very slowly and carefully, the huge animal started to move. They watched as Jess and Julian walked slowly down the road, cars slowing as they saw them. Jess was smiling from ear to ear.

  Piper looked around: every single person in their little group was crying.

  45

  Jess hugged Hazel. ‘Thank you for the best party ever.’

  ‘I’m glad you had a good time, sweetie.’

  ‘You’ve been so amazing, Hazel. You have the biggest heart. I’m so grateful for everything.’

  ‘There’s plenty more fun to come, so you just stay strong.’

  Chloë nudged her mother aside. ‘Bye, Jess. I’ll send you all the photos I took. Some of the ones with your dad are hilarious.’

  Jess kissed Chloë’s cheek. ‘You’re the best friend in the world. Thanks for always cheering me up, even on my worst days.’

  Chloë blushed. ‘That’s what friends are for.’

  ‘No,’ Jess said. ‘That’s what really special friends do. I love you, Chloë, you’re the best.’

  ‘Stop! You’ll make me cry!’ Chloë said.

  Hazel took her daughter by the arm. ‘Right, let’s get you home. Jess needs some rest. See you soon, sweetie.’

  Jess watched them walk down the path. Hazel put her hand out and Chloë took it. Two very special people I was lucky to know, Jess thought.

  She’d miss them. She wondered what Chloë would become. She reckoned she’d be famous in some way. Chloë had pizzazz and energy and so much charm, she’d probably end up taking over the world. Jess wished she could be there to see it.

  Nathalie came up behind her. ‘Did you enjoy the day?’ she asked.

  Jess nodded. ‘It was brilliant. Thanks for all your help making it so special.’

  Nathalie shrugged. ‘It was my pleasure. To see you so ’appy with your eyes shining makes me ’appy.’

  ‘It was the best party ever.’

  Nathalie picked up some plates. ‘You ’ave a fantastic family, Jess. They love you so much. It’s beautiful to see this.’

  ‘I know I’m a lucky girl.’

  Nathalie smiled crookedly. ‘Maybe not so lucky with the cancer, but with the family, yes.’

  Jess laughed. ‘Thanks for being so great with Granddad and so lovely to me and Bobby and everyone.’

  Nathalie paused. ‘For me, it has been a great experience. I am honoured to be part of this family’s life. It can be a bit crazy sometimes but there is so much love, it’s beautiful to see.’

  Love, thought Jess. It was what life was all about. When you took away everything else, it all came down to love. That was what sustained you through the difficult times. It got you through the bad news, the pain, the suffering – love was the most powerful thing in the world.

  ‘Anyway,’ Nathalie interrupted Jess’s thoughts, ‘I ’ave to go. I ’ave a date.’

  ‘Ooooh! Who with?’

  ‘A man I met at a poetry reading.’

  ‘What’s this?’ George asked.

  ‘Nathalie has a date.’ Jess filled him in. ‘Is he nice?’

  ‘We’ll see. He doesn’t drink, so at least I know he won’t be falling down after ten o’clock.’ Nathalie grinned.

  ‘Is this the poet fella?’ George seemed up-to-date.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Poets are a flaky lot. You should go out with a fella with a decent job who’ll look after you, not some eejit who spends three years writing five lines of drivel,’ George told her.

  Nathalie laughed. ‘Come on, George, you know me. I like the artistic men.’

  ‘You deserve better,’ George said.

  ‘If I don’t like him and ’e is – ’ow you say? – flaky, I just move on and find someone else. Don’t worry about me, George. I am a strong French woman.’

  ‘You can say that again.’ George laughed. ‘Most of my customers are afraid of you.’

  Nathalie punched him playfully in the arm. ‘I ’ave to go. See you tomorrow.’ She hugged Jess.

  ‘Thanks for everything, Nathalie. You’ve been like a sister and a friend all mixed together.’

  Nathalie looked into Jess’s eyes. She became very still and then she whispered, ‘Au revoir, my beautiful Jess.’ Her eyes filled with tears as she turned to go.

  Everyone finished tidying up, and then Kate said it was time for Jess to get some rest. As Nick and Maggie were putting on their jackets, the door opened. Jenny walked in, holding Jaden.

  ‘Oh, no.’ Bobby groaned.

  ‘What the hell is she doing here?’ Maggie muttered.

  Jenny smiled awkwardly. ‘I’m sorry to interrupt – I’m not staying. I just wanted to give Jess a present.’ She went over to Jess and handed her a gift. ‘I thought you might like to have it beside your bed. I’m sorry you’re having such a terrible time,’ she said.

  Jess unwrapped it. It was a framed photo of her dad throwing her up in the air. She must have been about a year old in the photo and she was laughing hysterically. Nick was beaming up at her, so handsome and happy. Jess felt a well of emotion building up. She crushed it down. ‘Thank you, Jenny, so much. I’ll treasure it.’

  ‘Oh, it’s nothing, really, but I’m glad you like it.’

  ‘It’s beautiful, Jen.’ Nick beamed at her.

  ‘It was really thoughtful of you,’ Kate said.

  Bobby came bustling over. ‘Jaden won’t let go of my leg and he stinks.’

  Jenny laughed. ‘Oh, God, sorry. You’re right, he needs to be changed. Anyway, I’ll go.’

  ‘I’ll come with you. I was just leaving,’ Nick said.

  ‘Hey, let’s get a photo of me with Jaden,’ Jess said.

  ‘Great idea!’ Nick looked surprised and pleased.

  Jess tried to ignore the smell of Jaden’s dirty nappy. She held him and smiled as the photo booth flash went off. When it was finished, Jenny came over and picked him up off Jess’s lap.

  Nick turned to Jess and leant down to give her a hug. ‘Thanks for doing that. See you tomorrow, Jessie.’

  Jess clung to him and inhaled the scent of his aftershave. ‘I love you, Dad,’ she whispered into his ear.

  ‘Oh, Jess, I love you too, more than you can imagine.’

  They held each other for a minute, until Bobby said, ‘Daddy, you have to go before Jaden stinks the whole house out.’

  Everyone laughed, and Jess watched her father leave. As he got to the door, he turned and blew her a kiss.

  Maggie helped Kate tuck Jess into bed, then sat with her after Kate had gone down to sort Bobby out.

  ‘Good day?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘The best ever,’ Jess said.

  ‘You deserved it. You’re an amazing girl, Jess, just like your mum.’

  ‘I’m so glad she has you, Maggie. You’re such a support to her, and to all of us.
’

  ‘You’re like my family, kiddo. You’re stuck with me. It’s a pity your mum and I aren’t gay – we’d make a great couple.’

  Jess giggled. ‘Now that would be funny.’

  ‘Anyway, you look tired and I’ve got a conference call with the US. I’ll pop in to see you in the morning before I fly back to London.’ Maggie hugged her.

  As she was leaving, Jess called out, ‘Look after Mum, won’t you, Maggie?’

  ‘Always, Jess, you know I will.’

  Watching everyone leave was draining Jess of the little energy she had, but she knew the worst goodbyes were to come. But, as awful as it was having to say goodbye to everyone without them even knowing it, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was the right thing to do. It was time to go. Cancer had controlled and ravaged her life. It had come into her body and destroyed it. It was destroying the happiness of her family and friends. Everyone was at the end of their tether, worn out, devastated and unable to take much more. Jess wanted out. It was time to do things her way.

  Granddad, Piper, Luke and Bobby came in to say goodnight. Jess hugged them all in turn.

  ‘I wish I could have an almost-birthday party like that,’ Bobby said.

  ‘Maybe we could organize one for you next year,’ Piper said.

  ‘Really?’ Bobby’s eyes lit up.

  ‘Sure, but it wouldn’t be quite the same. We don’t have Hazel’s bank account.’ Luke grinned.

  ‘I wouldn’t want all the pink stuff, just the cakes and the people and the sweets.’

  ‘I was pretty surprised to see Jenny arriving,’ Luke said.

  ‘The photo is beautiful,’ Piper said, looking at it on the table beside Kate’s double bed where Jess was lying.

  ‘Jaden was obsessed with me,’ Bobby said. ‘He was stalking me and he kept grabbing my leg.’

  ‘You used to do that to Luke.’ Their mother came in, holding a cup of tea.

  ‘Did I?’ Bobby was surprised.

  ‘I guess it’s a younger-brother thing,’ Luke said.

  ‘Well, it wasn’t fun cos he stinks,’ Bobby grumbled.

  ‘He can’t help that,’ Mum said.

  ‘Does that mean you’re not going to help change our baby’s nappies, Bobby?’ Piper asked.

  ‘No way!’ Bobby shouted.

  Jess smiled. She’d miss this. The banter, the fun, the family time. Just her family being her crazy, beautiful family.

  ‘Right, this poor child is worn out. Let her rest.’ George kissed Jess goodnight.

  ‘I love you, Granddad. Thanks for letting us come and live with you. It’s been amazing.’

  ‘I’ve loved having you, my little pet. Now sleep well.’

  Piper kissed her. Jess pulled her close. ‘Look after Luke. He needs you.’

  Piper looked surprised at the urgency in Jess’s voice. ‘Of course I will. I promise.’

  ‘He loves you so much.’

  ‘I love him, too, sweetie, so don’t worry. It’s all going to work out,’ Piper whispered. ‘Now rest up and stop worrying about everyone else.’

  ‘I love you, Piper.’

  ‘I love you more.’

  Luke walked Piper out and Bobby followed them. ‘Hang on, Bobby, come here for a second,’ Jess called out.

  He came back in, reluctantly. ‘What? I’m tired, Jess. I want to go to bed.’

  ‘I just want you to give me a hug. Please?’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Everyone’s always hugging in this house.’

  ‘Bobby,’ his mother said sharply, ‘give your sister a hug.’ Then she got up and left the room.

  ‘Okay, one hug cos it’s your almost-birthday, but that’s it.’

  He threw an arm around her, then pulled back.

  ‘Thanks, Bobby. You know I love you and I think you’re just brilliant.’

  ‘You always say that, Jess.’

  ‘I mean it, though. Don’t let anyone try to change you. You’re perfect just the way you are. I think you’re going to do something incredible with your life, I really do. There’s something really special about you.’

  ‘Are you joking now?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Did Mummy tell you I want to cure cancer?’

  Jess coughed to hide the sob that escaped from her throat. ‘No.’

  ‘Well, that’s what I’m going to do, Jess. I’m going to cure it so no one has to suffer like you.’

  ‘That would be amazing, and I bet you’ll do it.’

  ‘Can I go now?’

  She smiled. ‘Yes, love you.’

  ‘I know. You said it already.’ He bustled out of the room.

  Jess lay back on the bed. Only Luke to go. He’d be the hardest. Apart from Mum, he knew her the best. She had to keep calm. She wanted this memory to be a good one for him.

  ‘Penny for your thoughts?’ Luke stood at the door, hands in his pockets.

  Jess smiled. ‘Hey, come in.’ She patted the bed.

  ‘Good day,’ he said. ‘Even Jenny didn’t cause a scene.’

  ‘It was sweet of her to do that.’

  Luke wrinkled his nose. ‘About bloody time she did something nice for you.’

  ‘Come on, Luke, give her a break. It’s not easy for her. She’s the home-wrecker no one wants to see. It was brave and kind of her to come today.’

  ‘All right, Mother Teresa, I admit it was a nice gesture. Maybe she’s not all bad.’

  Jess folded the bed cover over in her fingers. ‘You’ll be a great dad.’

  ‘I hope so. I want to be, but it’s kind of scary.’

  ‘Yeah, I can imagine.’

  ‘I just want to get the exams over, then focus on Piper and the baby and trying to figure it all out.’

  ‘You’ll be fine. You’ve got so many people looking out for you who want to help.’

  Luke nodded. ‘You’re right. Even though our family’s a bit mental and half the people in it aren’t even related to us, they’re a good bunch.’

  ‘A great bunch.’

  He bent his head. ‘I wish I could fix it, Jess.’

  Jess put out her hand and took Luke’s. ‘You can’t. You tried, and I’m so grateful to you for your bone marrow, but you can’t fix me, Luke. No one can. But it’s okay, honestly. This is how things are, and I’ve accepted it now.’

  ‘It’s not okay. It’s so unfair.’

  Jess squeezed his hand. ‘Luke, please listen to me. I’ve made peace with it. You have to try to do the same.’

  ‘I’ll never accept it,’ he said, in a strangled voice. ‘You’re the nicest, bravest person I know. You don’t deserve this.’

  ‘No one does, but it happens all the time. Please, Luke, don’t be angry. It’ll eat you up.’

  Luke rubbed his eyes. ‘I’ll try, Jess.’

  Jess reached under the pillow and pulled out an envelope. ‘I need you to give this to Dad when I die. It’s important, Luke. Promise you won’t forget.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘It’s just something I need to say to him and it was easier to write it down.’

  Luke took the envelope and stood up. ‘I’ll let you get some rest.’

  Jess held up her arms for one final hug. ‘I love you, Luke. You’re the best older brother I could ever have wished for. Everything’s going to be fine.’

  Luke smiled. ‘If you say so, Jess. Now get some sleep. Love you, sis.’

  Jess watched her brother and her hero walk out of the room, and her life.

  46

  Kate looked down at the pills spread out on her bathroom shelf and counted: twenty-eight Xanax tablets and fourteen Tylex. This was what would kill Jess.

  Agreeing to end her child’s life was one thing. Planning it was another. At first, Kate had thought about stealing morphine from one of the palliative-care nurses or doctors who came every day to check Jess’s morphine pump and up the dose as her pain got worse. But she quickly found that they were incredibly careful with their medications and never left any lying ar
ound.

  They were very kind. They said it was important for Jess to be comfortable, but not knocked out by the morphine so she could still function ‘normally’. Kate loved and hated them coming – loved them because they were so caring, hated them because of what they represented.

  She’d thought about asking Dr Willis, their GP, who also called in regularly to see Jess, to get her some morphine. But she didn’t want to implicate him in any wrongdoing. No, Kate was on her own. This was something no one could knowingly help her with, and no one could ever find out about. She had to be careful, really careful, or she’d end up in prison. Then Bobby and Luke would have a dead sister and a convict mother.

  So Kate went to plan B: search the internet. She was shocked by what she found. If you wanted to know how to kill yourself or someone else, the internet would provide you with all the information you needed. She had spent hours trawling for ways to overdose. If anyone looked at her Google search history, she’d be locked away on that evidence alone. But she’d covered her steps as best she could, scrubbing out her search history again and again.

  She had quickly found everything she needed to know. The information she’d gathered told her it would take a combination of medications to end Jess’s life. She needed benzodiazepines and morphine. Benzos she could get in Xanax, and morphine by taking codeine, in Tylex tablets. It was far simpler than she’d thought it would be. A part of her actually wanted it to be harder, so she could stall and delay it, but the all-knowing internet spewed out everything in a morning.

  Kate hated lying, but this was not a ‘normal’ situation and she was no longer afraid of anything. The worst possible thing was already happening to her: her daughter was dying. So she went to Dr Willis and told a few white lies. She said the stress of Jess’s cancer was making her extremely anxious and she needed Xanax. He readily gave her a prescription. Then she said she was also having terrible migraines and needed dissolvable Tylex. She began to cry at this point because part of her wanted him to say no. Then she wouldn’t be able to kill Jess.

  But Dr Willis patted her hand sympathetically and said she was under terrible duress and he’d gladly give her Tylex, but that she must be careful not to take the two together. He said he’d pop into the house in a few days’ time to see Jess and check on Kate.