The Good Mother

by Sinéad Moriarty

  48

  Nick sat in the corner of the café in a daze. People came and went, bringing food. So much food. There were cakes and buns and lasagnes and dinners on every surface. People he knew and didn’t know shook his hand and told him they were sorry for his loss.

  Loss. What a ridiculous word. He hadn’t lost Jess, she’d been ripped from him. Fate had wrenched her from this life to the next. If she was lost, he’d be able to find her. There was no finding her now, no getting her back. He was bereft.

  Bobby wandered around in circles, kicking the tables and chairs. Luke and Piper sat in the corner, holding hands. Maggie and Hazel moved around talking to everyone and making sure they all had food and something to drink. Chloë sat in a corner, staring at photos on her phone and crying quietly.

  In the sitting room, in a closed coffin, lay Jess. His little girl, put inside a wooden box. Tomorrow, after the funeral, she’d be in the ground, buried six feet under. This was not how life should be. His head thumped with anger. It took huge effort not to jump up and scream, hurl the furniture through the windows and punch all of the well-meaning onlookers who were staring at the debris of his smashed-up life.

  The French waitress made vats of coffee and tea and kept trying to get him to eat. ‘You must keep the strength up,’ she said, as she offered Nick yet another plate of food. But he couldn’t eat. He felt constantly nauseous. How could people sit around drinking fucking coffee and eating cake? Jess was dead, for Christ’s sake.

  Kate kept wandering in and out, unable to sit still. Whenever she saw Bobby or Luke or George, she hugged them. Nick watched her, knowing she was as ripped apart inside as he was and marvelling at her ability to think of others still.

  ‘Dad?’

  Nick looked up. Luke was standing beside him, holding out an envelope.

  ‘Jess asked me to give you this.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘The night she died, she told me to give this to you once she was gone.’

  ‘My God.’ Nick’s hands were shaking as he took the envelope. ‘Thank you, Luke.’

  Luke nodded at him, then went back to Piper. Nick opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. It wasn’t Jess’s normal writing: it was sloping, jerky and much harder to read. It had clearly taken her enormous effort to write it. He squinted, deciphering the letters and the words one by one, a lump forming in his throat as he read her last words to him.

  Dear Dad

  By the time you read this letter, I’ll be gone. I’ll be in a place where I can be at peace. I’m not happy here any more. I can’t take it any more, Dad. It’s too much pain. I want to go. I’m happy to go – it’s important you know that, even if it’s hard to hear.

  I know you wanted me to do more treatment, but I couldn’t. I knew I was dying before the doctors told me. It was a feeling I had, hard to explain, but I just knew. I think I’d accepted it long before everyone else did. But I love you all so much for trying to keep me alive.

  The strange thing is, I’m okay about dying. I guess I’ve had a while to get used to the idea. Until Larry died, I didn’t even allow myself to think it was a possibility, but after he went I realized it could happen to me too.

  I hoped it wouldn’t, but I got sicker and here we are.

  I tried, Dad, I tried really hard to beat it, but the cancer beat me. I tried to tell you I was ready to go, but you weren’t ready to hear it. Dying this way, at home with dignity, is my final wish, Dad – let me go and don’t blame anyone for my death. Please.

  I want to die in my own way, on my own terms, just as I told you. I want to be in charge. That means everything to me. So please don’t blame Mum. She only did what I begged her to do. She allowed me to leave this world with dignity. I asked her to help me die because I knew you couldn’t. I made her say yes, I forced her to agree, and I love her so much for doing this.

  You reacted so strongly when I mentioned wanting to let go and I understand why. You’re a fighter and a warrior and someone who never gives up and wouldn’t allow me to either. And I love that about you. But sometimes, Dad, sometimes you have to accept defeat and let go.

  I’ve had a short life, but it’s been a brilliant one. I have the best family in the world. I love you all so much. It was hard when you met Jenny and left, but I understand that life can be complicated and that you fell in love with her and that’s okay. I want you to be happy. I want everyone to be happy. I know you worry about your relationship with the boys not being that good. But it can be, Dad. You can fix it so easily. Just spend more time with them. Luke needs you in his life. He pretends he doesn’t but he really does.

  Bobby looks up to you so much and he’s jealous of Jaden only because he thinks he’s taking you away. He’s angry because he’s confused and scared. Be patient with him, Dad. He’s such a gorgeous boy. He just needs to know he’s loved. Thanks for being a great dad to me. I love you so much. I’m so proud to be your daughter. You always made me feel like the most important girl in the world.

  I’m sorry I caused everyone so much unhappiness. I wish cancer had never come into our lives but it did and I’ve accepted that my time is up. You need to accept it too. Remember the good times and try to look forward.

  I’m sorry I’ll miss Luke’s baby being born, but I’ll be watching. Wherever I am, I’ll be watching. If you see a white butterfly, it’ll be me, letting you know I’m okay. But even if you don’t, please don’t worry about me. I know I’ll be fine.

  I’m not scared, Dad. I’m not frightened of dying any more. I want to go.

  Mum is letting me go, and you must too.

  I love you always,

  Jess

  Nick’s hands were shaking so much, he could barely read the last line. Rage welled up inside him. White hot, burning through him.

  He stood up, unsteady on his feet, and stumbled forward. He had to find her. She wasn’t in the café. He staggered into the kitchen. She was there, with Maggie. He grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around to face him.

  ‘You lying bitch,’ he hissed, shaking the letter in her face.

  Maggie stepped in. ‘Jesus, Nick, calm down.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ Kate said quickly.

  ‘No, it isn’t. He can’t speak to you like that. She’s heartbroken too, Nick.’

  ‘You don’t know what she is! She’s a monster!’ he spat.

  ‘You need to calm down, Nick.’ Maggie stood in front of Kate, protecting her from his venom.

  ‘It’s okay, Maggie, leave it.’ Kate took hold of Nick’s arm. ‘Nick, come upstairs. We can talk about this in private.’

  ‘So your dirty little secret doesn’t get out?’ he snapped.

  Kate turned and strode out of the kitchen. Maggie looked shocked, but she let them go. Nick followed Kate into her bedroom and slammed the door.

  ‘You bitch, you lying bitch! You killed her!’ he shouted. ‘It’s here in black and white.’

  Tears spilt down Kate’s cheeks. ‘Yes, I did help her die. I did it because she begged me, Nick. She wanted to die in her own way.’

  ‘Her own way? She was twelve! She was a child. She didn’t know what she was saying! She was sick. How could you do this? You cut her life short. You stole her from me, from us. Who the hell are you to decide when she should die? Who made you God?’ He dug his finger into her chest.

  Kate pushed his hand away. ‘I didn’t decide, you moron. Jess did. Do you think I wanted to do it? Do you think I wanted to cut her precious life short and lose one minute with her? She begged me, she pleaded with me – and you know what, Nick? She deserved to die her own way. She’d suffered so much. She desperately wanted that final control, and I let her have it.’

  ‘She should have died when it was her time, not now, not before. She could have got better.’

  Kate glared at him. ‘No, she couldn’t. She was terminally ill. You saw how weak she was.’

  ‘Weak, yes. About to die, no. How could you do this? Why didn’t you say no? What the hell is wron
g with you?’

  Kate sank down on the edge of the bed. ‘I did say no. But she kept pleading with me. She wanted to go, Nick. She was tired of the pain and suffering. She couldn’t take any more.’

  ‘She was a child. You were supposed to talk her down, make her see that she had to live.’

  ‘Jesus, don’t you think I tried? Do you think I wanted to do this? It broke me in two, Nick. But she asked me and it was what she wanted. And Jess wasn’t a kid, not really, she was a very old, wise soul.’

  ‘She was twelve!’ Nick roared, his hands balled into tight fists. ‘You should have told me. How could you not tell me? I would have talked her out of it. I’d have made her see sense.’

  ‘You told me that she did talk to you about it, remember? So you must know, in your heart, that she didn’t want to be talked out of it. She wasn’t going to change her mind. It wasn’t a snap decision. She thought it through long and hard.’

  ‘I’m her father, for Christ’s sake! How could you decide this without me? I wanted more time with her. You stole that from me. You robbed me of that. You robbed all of us. Her brothers, George, everyone. How could you, Kate? You were her mother – how could a mother do that to her own child? I mean, Jesus Christ …’

  Kate began to cry again. ‘She said, “If you love me enough you’ll help me.” I didn’t want to do it. Don’t you get it? I wanted her to keep going but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t go on. I tried, Nick … I loved her so much – I never wanted this. I’m broken, destroyed.’

  ‘You’re destroyed? Oh, poor Kate. What about me? There were so many things I wanted to say to her, to do with her, to … to … just to be with her.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I did what Jess wanted. I know it was wrong, but for her it was right. She was happy. She’d had a wonderful day with everyone and she was happy to go.’

  ‘Don’t try to justify this.’ Nick shook the letter in her face. ‘If I hadn’t read it, you’d never have told me and I’d never have known what a devious witch you are. I’d have had my suspicions, but you’d never have been straight with me, would you?’

  ‘What does it say? What did Jess say?’ Kate grabbed the letter and scanned it quickly. She read aloud: ‘I made her say yes, I forced her to agree, and I love her so much for doing this. You see? She tells you herself.’

  ‘I don’t care what this says. She was my daughter and you had no right to do this. I could go to the police.’

  Kate stood up. ‘Go ahead, Nick. I really don’t care what happens to me. My heart is broken and I’d be happy to die right now because then I’d be with Jess. But just remember, if you put me in prison, you’ll be raising the boys. It’ll make a nice change from me raising them on my own.’

  ‘Don’t start with that crap.’

  ‘It’s true, though. In the last three years I’ve been pretty much on my own with the kids while you were tied up with Jenny and then Jaden. I’m not saying you weren’t there for Jess when she got sick, but you weren’t there much beforehand. I’m not shouting at you for being a rubbish dad. I never went to a lawyer when you were constantly late with maintenance cheques. I let you see the kids whenever you could fit them into your schedule. I picked up the pieces when you cancelled on them or just didn’t turn up. I never spoke badly of you in front of them. I bent over backwards for you, Nick, even though you treated me very badly. So go ahead, sit on your high horse, put me in prison. Ruin the boys’ lives. You can’t hurt me more than life already has.’

  Nick picked up a glass from the bedside locker and flung it against the wall. He needed to hear something smash. He was afraid he was going to hit Kate. She winced as the glass shattered and the pieces bounced onto the floor.

  ‘I will never forgive you,’ he said, his face red with fury. ‘I will never forgive you for being a murderer. I might even go to the police. What kind of a monster are you? I could never have done that. Never.’

  ‘That’s because you didn’t love her like I did.’ She raised her hands. ‘I’m not saying you didn’t adore her, just that I loved her enough to give her what she most wanted, even though I knew it would destroy me. I made the ultimate sacrifice because I loved her. Can’t you see?’

  Nick walked towards the door. ‘You can try to justify it any way you want, but you cut her life short and that is wrong, not to mention immoral and illegal and completely unforgivable.’

  Kate’s eyes were swollen from crying. ‘It was love, Nick, pure love.’

  Nick walked out of the room and closed the door on the woman he’d thought he knew, the stranger who had killed his daughter.

  Bobby’s Diary

  Mummy made me wear a scrachy jaket to the funeral. I hated it. It made me all uncomfortable. The funeral was horrible. Daddy and Mummy didn’t speek even one word and Daddy was giving Mummy dagger eyes the whole time, which is really mean cos she is hartbroken about Jess.

  Luke said Daddy was just acting weird cos he’s hartbroken too.

  Jess died exaktly ten days ago and everyone is walking around like zombies. No one nows what to say. People still keep coming to the house with food which is ridikulus cos we own a café and we have tons of food.

  Everyone cries now all the time. No one hides it or tries to pretend or put on a brave face. They all just cry out loud. Even Nathalie and she’s a strong French woman. Nathalie has a new boyfriend who writes poems. He has long hair and is a bit smelly. Granddad said he’s a useless ‘bad word’ and she needs to get rid of him.

  Nathalie says he is a kreative soul and she loves his mind. Granddad said she’d have to love his mind cos his body stinks. He also said that the poet isn’t getting any more free cofee or food and needs to pay his way like a real man.

  Nathalie said Granddad has no soul. Granddad said his soul left him when Jess died. Nathalie looked sad then and hugged Granddad and said she loved him with or without a soul.

  Piper comes over every morning and makes sure Luke is up and studying and not in bed crying. Piper is ginormous now. She looks like a normal person from the back but a big whale from the front.

  Mummy sleeps a lot and cries a lot and goes out a lot with Liam to a place where she says she shouts. She said she’ll take me there one day but I like punching doe. I showed Granddad how to do it and he thinks it’s great. He does it all the time now.

  Daddy came over and took me out yesterday. He still isn’t speeking to Mummy and still gives her dagger eyes.

  He brawt Jaden with him and we went to the playground in the park. Daddy sat on the bench with his sunglasses on and tried to hide that he was crying but I cud see the tears coming down his face.

  Jaden was kind of annoying. He folowed me everywhere. He can’t get enuff of me so I tryed to be nice to him. He calls me ‘Dobby’, which is kind of funny. He asked me to push him on the swing so I did.

  When I feel my hart getting sad about Jess and there’s no doe to punch, I go outside and kick the wall. Daddy found me kicking the wall out the back yesterday and he kicked it too. We kicked and kicked until our toes hurt and our shoes were all scrached. Daddy ruffled my hair and said I was a great boy and that he was proud of me. I didn’t think kicking a wall was something a Dad would be proud of but whatever.

  I miss Jess a lot. It’s like there’s a big hole in the house where she used to be. Maggie said for a small girl she had a huge presense and made a big and beootiful mark on life.

  I keep looking for white buterflys cos when I was crying really hard one day, Luke told me that Jess said she would try to send a white buterfly to let us no she was okay. But I don’t see any, ever.

  I sleep with Whiskey now. Mummy said I cud. If I sniff him reelly hard he smells of Jess. Mrs Lorgan is being super-nice to me now Jess is dead. Even Tommy and Declan are being nice to me because having a dead sister is way worse than a stuter or a brother with Down Sindrum.

  Mrs Lorgan said time will heal my sad hart, but so far it feels the same - reelly reelly sore.

  49
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  Kate sat opposite her father and stared at her plate.

  ‘Try to eat something, Katie,’ George pleaded with her.

  ‘I can’t, Dad. Everything sticks in my throat and I think I’m going to choke.’

  George patted her hand. ‘I know that feeling. But you have to keep your strength up for the boys. They need you, Kate.’

  She sighed and shovelled a forkful of lasagne into her mouth, then gagged and spat it into her paper napkin.

  ‘Well, maybe tomorrow.’ George took the plate away. ‘Are you getting any sleep at all?’

  Kate shook her head. ‘Not really. I wish I could sleep more because when I do sometimes I dream of her. It’s magical. She’s right there beside me. I can see her, but when I go to touch her I wake up, and then I remember she’s gone. It almost hurts as much as when she died.’

  George handed her a tissue. ‘I had those dreams after your mother died. It’s wonderful and terrible at the same time.’

  Kate wiped her eyes. ‘I don’t know how to do this, Dad. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide and only come out when the pain is over.’

  ‘I know, pet, but life doesn’t work like that. You have to get up and keep going. It feels like torture now, it’s all so raw, but if you keep getting up and living, one day it won’t be such an uphill struggle.’

  ‘She was too young, Dad. Only twelve.’

  ‘It’s unspeakably cruel.’ George’s eyes welled up. ‘No mother should bury her child.’

  ‘Why her and not me or Nick?’

  George slammed his fist on the kitchen countertop. ‘It should have been me. I wish it had been me, not that beautiful little girl.’ His chin wobbled and Kate watched as her father fell apart. He sobbed into the tea-towel he was holding.

  She stood up and put her arms around him. ‘I’m glad you’re letting it out, Dad. You’ve been so brave for all of us, but I know how much you loved her.’

  George nodded and Kate handed him a tissue. He had been getting up every morning, cooking breakfast for the boys, getting them off to school and collecting Bobby most days when Kate couldn’t face it. He’d opened the café three days after the funeral and worked from dawn until dusk.