Rock My World

by Lee Piper

  Ever.

  It had always been, I dunno, friendly yet mechanical. Like, we were merely going through the motions because that is what people did in a relationship. And that wasn’t the least of it. Oh no. Dylan had had this arcane ability to always make me feel empty. I thought back to one of the many disappointing nights he’d stayed over at my place.

  “Babe, you were unbelievable.”

  Dylan kissed my lips briefly and rolled off me. In the darkness I could make out the silhouette of him removing the condom and depositing it in the small wastepaper basket by the side of my bed. He lay back down, his breathing so heavy it sounded like he had just run a marathon.

  I stared up at the ceiling. The breeze from my open window gently swayed the blind and I watched as slivers of light flickered across the dark wall. As usual our lovemaking had been … brief and I was once again left feeling hollow, agitated.

  Usually, I didn’t say anything about Dylan’s selfishness in the bedroom. I mean, he was my first boyfriend so I honestly didn’t know how the whole intimacy thing was supposed to work anyway. I wasn’t that much of a fool to believe what people said or did in romantic comedies was anything close to real life, but couldn’t help wishing he’d make more of an effort. After all, it had been weeks since he last thought about my needs, and even longer since he’d actually done anything to satisfy them.

  “Dylan?” I murmured quietly, suddenly shy at what I was about to ask.

  He didn’t reply.

  I leaned over and switched on the bedside lamp, squinting as my eyes adjusted to the blinding light. “Dylan?” My gaze hardened as they came back into focus.

  He was asleep.

  I shook my head. Levi was completely different. He’d focused on my pleasure first and seemed to genuinely revel in the way I came apart in his hands. I smiled and my body lit up at the memory.

  I moved away from him, needing time to process it all and ended up wandering through the two rooms in a post-coital daze. Still restless, I moved towards the windows and found myself staring out at the Melbourne skyline. The clouds above matched the gray roads below. I liked how the greenery from the lush trees bordered the roads and contradicted sharply with the cutthroat efficiency of the vehicles traveling on them. It was a strange combination really. But somehow the juxtaposition worked and I was left feeling balanced.

  Weird.

  I turned away from the window as Levi flopped down onto the bed and motioned for me to join him. I hesitated, and his mocking smile teased my sudden restraint after the raging fuckfest we’d just had in the bathroom. So I lifted my chin before striding purposely towards him and then crawled up alongside, nuzzling his toweling robe-clad chest as I lay down. He wrapped a strong arm around me, letting it rest lightly on my hip and I once again felt that sense of calm slowly seep through my body.

  I sighed.

  We lay there in silence, enjoying the quiet and the warmth of one another. But after half an hour, I started feeling restless again. Being this close to him and not ravaging his body with my hands or mouth was proving difficult. As a distraction, I slowly trailed my fingers across the dark patterns on his chest. It suddenly dawned on me that now was the perfect opportunity to openly ogle his upper body while also admiring his tattoos. I figured it was a win-win situation, and quickly sat up.

  “What—”

  Straddling Levi’s hips, I yanked the toweling robe open to just below his navel, revealing the artwork inscribed across the entirety of his stomach and chest.

  Wow.

  It was exquisite.

  The sole silhouette of a barren tree trunk with gnarled branches emanating crookedly from it filled most of his torso. In the background was a looming full moon, partially obscured by storm clouds and wisps of fog. The words ‘Darkness there, and nothing more’ were interwoven through the branches in calligraphy script and drew the eye up to the black raven that was in mid-flight on his neck.

  I looked up at Levi.

  His eyes had darkened and his fingers splayed across my hips. But I wasn’t going to be waylaid by that predatory look. No matter how tempting the idea of fucking him senseless right now would be. Though in saying that, the image of me riding him until he called out my name in a blind passion once again may have briefly crossed my mind. I quickly repressed it though because I wasn’t going to be distracted. Not when faced with such an arresting image and especially not when it was plastered all over his ridiculously sexy body. After all, I wanted to find out the reason behind this gothic image on what was an otherwise very upbeat guy.

  Only he didn’t say anything.

  He just kept staring at me.

  “Tell me about it,” I murmured. My fingers gently traced the outline of a tree branch.

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Why this?” I motioned to the artwork. “Out of everything you could have had tattooed, why did you choose something inspired by The Raven?”

  He shifted underneath me and I could feel him hardening. I smiled mischievously before shaking my head in mock reproach. He wasn’t going to get out of it that easily. So I lay on top of him, gently pressing my lips to a small section of a storm cloud, before resting my chin on his chest and looking at him expectantly.

  “Tell me.”

  He took a deep breath and my entire body rose with the inhalation. As he breathed out through soft, full lips, I slowly lowered again.

  “For years, I found myself drifting.” He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “After I finished school I went from one job to the next, one party to the next, one girl to the next.” He caressed my face. “Nothing meant much to me, you know?”

  I nodded my head, relishing the feel of his hand as it brushed against my skin.

  “I had my guitar and my bro but that was about it.” He stopped talking and placed his hands behind his head. I missed his touch more than I was willing to admit, but his eyes now looked past me and were lost in another time. “Until one summer a couple of years ago, I met this girl.”

  I shifted uncomfortably, not at all liking where this was heading and internally kneed myself in the stomach for bringing it up in the first place.

  Stupid curiosity.

  “We weren’t together long, maybe six or seven months, but … fuck. She blew my world apart.”

  It was official. Watching him recount this story was like driving past a car accident, I didn’t want to see the carnage but couldn’t look away either.

  “We started off okay. She seemed the type who was always laughing and joking. The life of the party, you know? But it was all a front.” He laughed bitterly. “Man, she sure fooled me. It wasn’t until after our first fight that I found out who she really was.”

  My lungs started burning and it was only then that I realized I had been holding my breath. Clearly, I was a glutton for punishment.

  “I received a text from her telling me to leave her alone, to never contact her again, that we were through. It confused the hell out of me because I didn’t think what we’d argued over was that big a deal. Anyway, I went straight over to her place to sort it out. Only, when I rocked up, I knew something was off. Her parents were out but the front door was open. So I let myself in,” he closed his eyes, “and found her. She was floating face down, unconscious in the bath. If I had been a minute later she would have drowned for sure.”

  “Jesus, Levi.”

  “She recovered soon after and we told her parents that she’d slipped on the wet tiles, knocking herself out before falling into the water. They stupidly believed us. But after that she was a completely different person. It was like we were continuously playing some fucked up game of cat and mouse. I mean, we’d be okay one minute, fight the next, and then she’d push me away before trying to hurt herself. I swear, sometimes it seemed like she was looking for an argument, for an excuse to…”

  My heart broke at the thought of Levi being so caught up in that clusterfuck. A manipulative and self-destructive relationship must have been hell.
Didn’t that girl see the man who stood before her? I mean, yeah he was an arrogant douche at times but he was also loyal, caring, smart, talented, fucking sexy and … I stopped myself.

  You’re entering turbulent waters, Grace.

  “By the end of the seven months, I was over it. When we once again fought over some inconsequential bullshit I swore to her that I wouldn’t go back, that I wouldn’t chase her, that I was finished.”

  My mouth suddenly felt like the Sahara. During a heat wave. Multiplied by a billion.

  “So, I ignored her text message.” He swallowed with difficulty while my heart constricted. “And her parents found her body the next morning.” Levi finally opened his eyes and the depth of pain within them echoed through to my soul.

  “For a while, I let myself believe I was solely responsible for her death even though I knew deep down that if she truly wanted to end her life, she would have done it without my help. Anyway, it was during that time I decided nothing and no one would hurt me like that again. I went off the rails for a while, couldn’t hold down a job. I partied even harder than before, slept around a bit.”

  “‘Darkness there, and nothing more’,” I quoted.

  Levi looked at me as though surprised I was still even there. He smiled gently, removed his hands from behind his head and wrapped them around me.

  Holding me close.

  “Yeah, something like that.”

  I smiled shyly at him, suddenly nervous of what I saw lingering in his gaze.

  “Anyway, it wasn’t until I ended up with no job or true friends that I finally pulled my finger out and got my shit together.” He laughed. What a beautiful sound. “All it took was a bit of persuading.”

  “How’d Dom do that?”

  “He pinned me down and beat the shit out of me until I admitted I had a problem.” He smiled and my insides melted.

  The things those lips could do to me. I quickly shook my head. Suddenly Levi and Dom’s behavior in the car made a heck of a lot more sense.

  “So I cleaned up my act, enrolled at university and we got our band together. I decided that Poe was right and got this tattoo—it was pointless trying to find meaning in meaningless bullshit. That wasn’t life. That wasn’t why I was put on this earth.” He paused for a minute, took a deep breath and stared at me intently. “But you, kitten, are the first woman I’ve wanted to find real meaning in for a fucking long time.”

  I squirmed. This conversation had turned seriously awkward. “Levi, I—”

  “Relax, Grace.” He pulled me towards him until my lips were suspended just above his.

  I looked down into his eyes which were openly laughing at my spectacular freak-out.

  “I’m not asking you to fucking marry me or anything.”

  I actually forgot to breathe. For real. Surely my lips were turning an alarming shade of blue? I mean, an oxygen mask was what was needed right now. Levi’s hands gently cupping my face? Not so much.

  “I just want to spend more time with you and figure out what this thing is between us. That’s all.” His thumb skimmed over my lower lip.

  I felt light-headed and my vision began to blur. He would be caressing a corpse soon.

  “Kitten, breathe.”

  A gust of air escaped me and my heart suddenly kicked back into action, evidently due to the verbal reminder.

  Levi just smiled up at my dazed expression.

  “You feel it too?”

  He gently pressed his lips to mine. “Of course I feel it,” he whispered, kissing me again.

  With those words I let go. I completely surrendered myself to him. As our lips brushed against each other’s, so sweetly and softly that I almost cried, my hands tenderly cupped his face. Levi’s tongue delved inside my mouth, stroking, massaging, instantly stirring that insatiable burning need within me. He let out a low moan as I responded and deepened our kiss, trying to get closer to that flickering emotion we both now knew was there.

  And that’s when I heard her.

  Riley.

  Okay, so not her exactly, but I definitely heard the personalized ringtone she’d programmed into my phone. I froze. A cold shower couldn’t have done a better job at extinguishing the flame that had just begun to ignite.

  Levi stared up at me, confused. “Kitten, what’s wrong?”

  “I … fucking shit.” I jumped off him as though stung and ran for the phone. Taking a deep breath, I quickly tightened my robe and raked shaking fingers through my chaotic hair. While walking into the next room, I answered it. “Hey, Riley.” Even to my own ears, my voice sounded forced.

  “Finally, I thought you were never going to answer.”

  “Sorry, what’s up?”

  A deep sigh escaped her and I immediately felt like the most horrible woman alive.

  “Riley, what is it?”

  “I miss you, G. It’s been a shitty week.”

  “I miss you too. How’s your mum? She’s all back to normal now, right?” How I could possibly maintain the facade of a normal conversation with my best friend after what I had just discovered in bed with Levi truly disgusted me. There was no doubt about it, I was honestly The Most Horrible Woman Alive.

  “Yeah, she’s back to normal.”

  I snorted. Okay, so maybe I was The Second Most Horrible Woman Alive. But it was still a crap place to be.

  “I don’t even know why I was there. Rest and fluids were all she needed. But you know Mum, she likes being taken care of.”

  “And you can never say no.”

  A short laugh escaped her. “God, I wish I had.”

  “Why not take some time out for yourself? After a week with that woman, you’ve more than earned it.”

  “I will. Brea and I are having a girls’ night, that’ll help cheer me up.”

  “Okay, but just be careful. That woman can down shots quicker than anyone I’ve ever met.”

  There was silence for a minute or two, and before my heart broke into a million pieces, I murmured, “Riley love, that’s not all, is it?”

  “No.” She choked back a sob and my heart splintered even further. There would be nothing left of it soon. I’d simply be a hollow mass of empty blackness. To be fair, it was all I truly deserved.

  There was an abrupt noise on her end of the line. “I’d better go. Brea must have arrived early. I’ll give you a call later, okay?”

  “Sure thing. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  After hanging up, I found myself perched on the edge of the couch with my head in my hands.

  Hating myself.

  I couldn’t do this to her. The thought of losing Riley over what I had just done with Levi, regardless of the emotions we thought we felt, tore my heart to shreds. How could I have been so self-centered? How could I have behaved that way? Done that to her? At the first chance I got, I’d launched myself at the man my best friend wanted. And all the while she was stuck in the middle of freakin’ nowhere, caring for a woman who closely resembled a goddamn troll. I shook my head. Dad would have been so disappointed. After all, he always thought of others before himself. My thoughts suddenly drifted back to a happier time.

  “How’d you do it, Dad?”

  It was a sultry day and for once he was joining me in ice cream bliss, though my question interrupted him mid-lick. “Do what, love?”

  “How did you keep it all together after Mum left?” I shook my head. “I mean, if it had been me, I wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed in the morning.”

  Dad stared down at his waffle cone, picking off small pieces and placing them in his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully. “Well, there were definitely days when I didn’t want to get out of bed. I even tried it once. I pulled the blanket up over my head and refused to move until my heart stopped aching.”

  “What made you change your mind?”

  “A little green-eyed girl.”

  I smiled up at him.

  “She marched into my room, pulled down the blanket and demanded I go make her brea
kfast because she couldn’t reach the cereal box in the cupboard.”

  “I don’t remember that.”

  He took a big bite of ice cream, rolling it around in his mouth before swallowing. “I do. It was the day I realized more people were impacted by your mother leaving than just me. As much as I wanted to believe otherwise, I wasn’t the only one whose life had changed. So, for you and your sister’s sake, I had to make the right decision and get out of bed.”

  I nudged him with my shoulder. “You always make the right decision, Dad.”

  He chuckled. “Not always, but I did that day.”

  I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, furious at myself. I was so sick of this shit. I was sick of it all in fact. Fuckety fuck fuck fuck. After taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to calm my burgeoning rage, I looked up. Levi was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, watching me closely. His eyes were dark and inscrutable as they took in my agitation.

  “You didn’t tell her, did you?”

  I stared at him. And then lost it.

  Completely.

  Standing up, I yelled, “Tell her what exactly? That we fucked? That we ‘felt something’?” I even used the air quotations. Not my finest moment by far. “You’ve got to be fucking joking, Levi.”

  He reared back as though struck, before turning and storming away. A moment later, I heard the bathroom door slam shut and then something smash and splinter as it made contact with the marbled tiles. It was quiet for a short while until something else careered into the same wall to meet its grizzly fate. The shower soon started after that.

  I turned to look out the windows at the gray clouds above, loathing the fact that I had just achieved a personal best in hurting not one, but two of the people I most cared about. And in under ten minutes. Surely that was a record? I stood, walked to my suitcase and pulled on some clothes. After that, I grabbed my purse, phone and one of the keycards. As I yanked the hotel room door closed behind me, I wondered if there was enough alcohol in the bar downstairs to help me forget the epic fuck up I’d just created.