"So now the other man knows who you are. And he tried to come after you." Ben's voice was grim.
She nodded. "I was in a safe house. They were trying to work on the murderer, do a plea bargain for a lesser sentence if he would give them the name of the other man, but he refused. He probably knew that he'd be killed, too, if he gave up the name. No one was supposed to know where I was, but someone broke into the safe house and tried to kill me. Fortunately, the man who was guarding me was able to stop him, but shortly after that my sister's house was bombed." She stopped, feeling the tears clogging her throat. "I couldn't even go to the hospital to see my sister or my niece and nephew. The police were sure that was what the killer was waiting for."
"So you got a new name and ended up in Cameron."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry, Janie," he said, and then he frowned. "That's not even your name, is it?"
"Yes, it is," she said fiercely. "I'm Janie Murphy now. The person I used to be has ceased to exist."
"You're a brave woman, Janie Murphy." His voice was low, and he reached out to brush a strand of hair away from her face.
"Not that brave," she said, and she detested the quiver in her voice. "My sister and her children were hurt because of me, and I didn't even face them and tell them I was sorry."
She saw his eyes soften, felt his hands reach out for her, and knew she should back away. Knew that the safe thing, the smart thing, would be to avoid his touch. But instead she moved forward to meet him, and when his arms closed around her, she leaned into his strength.
His heart galloped beneath her ear, and his hands were unsteady as he stroked her back. Before she could tell herself to stop, she wrapped her arms around him and moved closer.
His muscles were rock-hard and trembling. She felt his tension, and an answering tension began to build inside her. Her legs weakened and his male scent filled her head. Suddenly there was more than comfort in their embrace. Heat began to build, low in her abdomen, a fire that flickered then grew stronger.
His hands tightened around her, and his touch was no longer impersonal, no longer merely comforting. When he slid his hand up to her head, tangled it in her hair, she felt him shake.
"Janie," he whispered, then closed his eyes. His fingers trailed across her cheek, then down her throat His hand lingered, as if he savored the texture of her skin, the planes of her face.
He bent his head, touching his forehead to hers, then slowly set her away from him. His hands clung to her shoulders for a moment, then slid down her arms and finally let her go.
She stood in front of him, still too close, aching for him to touch her again. And knew that she was playing with fire.
He moved away first. "I'm glad you told me," he said, his voice raw with emotion. "Thank you for trusting me."
"I do trust you," she replied. "And I wanted you to understand why I couldn't help you."
He lifted his head and watched her steadily. "This doesn't change anything, Janie. Nothing you told me makes any difference. I still want you to marry me."
The pain was almost too much for her to bear. "How can I do that?" she whispered. "If anything happened to you or Rafael, I'd never forgive myself."
The emotion faded from Ben's eyes, replaced by the remote, closed look he usually wore. "Come sit down."
He took her hand and led her to the couch. Once they were seated, he drew his hand away from her.
"Nothing is going to happen to any of us, Janie. No one has to know your secret in order for us to get married. And the chances of that murderer finding you in Cameron are remote. Are you going to live the rest of your life in limbo? Are you never going to relax, never going to get close to anyone? What kind of life is that?"
"It's the kind of life you're offering me," she said quietly. "You're not talking about a real marriage. You're not talking about becoming close, about love. So why should you care whether I live like that alone, or with you?"
"Think of this marriage as a dry run," he said, leaning forward. "While you're helping Rafael, you can get used to life again, used to being around other people."
"So that when our fake marriage ends, I can look for a real husband?"
Pain slashed across his face, pain that he couldn't hide. "Exactly," he said after a moment.
She shook her head. "None of that matters," she said. "If I marry you, I'm putting you and Rafael at risk. I saw what happened to my sister and her children, and I won't be responsible for that happening to anyone else." Especially someone I care about.
She didn't say the last words aloud, but they still shocked her. She couldn't allow herself to care about Ben Jackson. She couldn't even allow herself to care about Rafael. It was dangerous, both to them and to her peace of mind. She was better off living in suspended animation, doing her job every day, coming home to her cat and her empty house. If she started to care, if she started to think about what she was missing, she wasn't sure if she could bear it.
He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. "Then think about it this way. I wanted to know what I could give you to make you agree to marry me, and now I know. I don't for a moment think that Rafael or I will be in any danger, and think of the benefits to you. It would be like a marriage protection program. You'll be much safer living with someone else, especially if that someone is a cop. If anything suspicious happens, if there's anything that doesn't seem right, I'll be there. We have something to offer each other. You'll give me what I need, and I can help you, too."
"It doesn't work that way, Ben." A sharp stab of regret moved through her, and she realized that she wanted to help him. Wanted to help Rafael, she reminded herself firmly. "I would always be afraid for both of you."
"There's no reason, Janie." He moved closer, his face animated in a way she'd never seen. "Why would anyone look for you in Cameron? You had no connection to the town, no reason to come here. Did you?"
She shook her head. "No."
"So why would he come here? Why would anyone even look for you in Utah? Of all the places in the country, there's nothing that would lead him here."
She wanted to believe him, so badly. She wanted to reach out for the lifeline he was of-fering, grasp the reassurance and hug it to herself. She wanted to be part of the life of this town, make friends here, feel free again.
But she couldn't succumb to the temptation of his words. She couldn't allow herself to take false comfort. "He found me in the safe house," she said, her voice low. "That wasn't supposed to happen. His accomplice was too frightened of this man to save himself by naming him. I'm afraid I'm dealing with a powerful man, someone in authority. Someone who'll find a way to discover where I am." She refused to look at Ben. "I can't marry you," she said. "I can't take that kind of chance."
"I'm as much at risk, then, as you. Don't you think I should have a vote?"
"It's not just you. There's an innocent child involved, too." Her voice cracked with pain. "And don't think that would stop this man. He didn't hesitate to try to kill my sister's children."
"Do you honestly think I would do anything to hurt Rafael?" he demanded. "If I thought there was even the slightest chance he could be hurt, I'd agree with you and say goodbye." His voice softened. "I understand why you've been so careful, so wary." His mouth curled up in a smile that made her chest ache. "I even understand the pepper spray, now. But I don't think you're in any danger here in Cameron. And as long as you stay in Cameron, stay out of the spotlight, why would that change?"
"Marrying you, going to court for Rafael's adoption would put me squarely in the spotlight." She couldn't allow herself to weaken.
"We can arrange it so that it doesn't." He spread his hands. "Who outside of Cameron other than Rafael's social worker would need to know we'd gotten married? The other couples might have gone on television, might have pitched their cases publicly, but we don't have to do that. We'll just be working quietly within the system. And once we're married, we're just another couple trying to adopt Rafael. The couple with the best ch
ance, because he's living with us." He reached out and took her hand. "The only way my adoption of Rafael would cause a stir is if I was unmarried."
His fingers were warm and strong as he held her hand, and she wanted to turn her palm to his press their hands together and tell him yes. She wanted to tell him that she'd marry him, that she'd agree to a marriage of convenience for Rafael's sake. But her heart knew there were other reasons she wanted to agree, reasons that had nothing to do with convenience or Rafael. And because she couldn't trust herself to make the right decision, she gently removed her hand from his grasp."
"I'm sorry, Ben. I hoped if I told you the truth, you'd understand why I couldn't marry you. I know you think I'm being foolish, but my answer is still no."
He stared at her for what seemed like a long time, then he stood up. "Thank you for trusting me with your secret, Janie. I won't betray you."
"I know you won't. Please find someone else and get married. For Rafael's sake."
He smiled at her then, a slow curving of his lips that held enough heat to melt her bones. "I'm going to get married, Janie. Never doubt that." He held her gaze for a moment, then touched her hair with one finger. "I'll see you at Heaven tomorrow morning."
Janie stared at his back as he walked out of the house. It took her a moment to remember to lock the door. Then she went to the window and watched him walk over to the Blazer he drove. His dark hair gleamed in the light from the streetlamp, and the muscles in his back rippled beneath his polo shirt as he climbed into the truck. In another minute his car had turned the corner and he was gone.
Slowly she let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Now Ben knew the truth about her. He knew why she couldn't marry him. He'd find someone else in Cameron, another woman who would help him out, help him save Rafael. And himself.
She should be glad, she told herself as she climbed into bed. She should be relieved that he would be leaving her alone, that he would be focusing on someone else.
But as she stared up at the ceiling in her dark bedroom, all she could think about was the touch of his hand on her face and the feel of his heart beating against hers, a touch she'd craved since their night together. All she could remember was the regret that had burned in her chest as he'd walked away from her.
* * *
Ben paused at the door of Heaven on Seventh several mornings later to look for Janie. It had become a habit of his, although he'd tried to hide it. Now he didn't bother. He wanted everyone in the diner to see him searching for Janie.
She was in the kitchen. He could just see the red-gold crown of her head above the counter. He stood there for a moment, watching her fly around the small kitchen, every move efficient and graceful.
Then he moved over to the corner booth to join Devlin and the other deputies for their morning conference. Janie would come out of the kitchen eventually. This morning, he'd stay until she did.
When there were only two or three other patrons in the restaurant, he rose and made his way over to Janie.
"Morning, Janie."
Her gaze flew up to him, and although she tried to hide it, he saw the momentary pleasure in her eyes. Then they were guarded again.
"Good morning. Ben. What can I do for you?"
"At least you didn't call me 'deputy'," he said pleasantly. "That's a start."
Her eyes became even more guarded. "Nothing's started. We've already had this discussion, and we ended it."
"I need to talk to you," he said.
"All right." He noticed her wipe her hands down the apron she wore over her dress.
She poured herself a cup of coffee and automatically freshened his, then slid into the booth. When she moved as far away from him as possible, he was both relieved and disappointed. "I have a problem," he began. "Rafael's caseworker told me that because of all the publicity, the judge wants to move his custody and adoption hearing forward. I have four weeks."
"Four weeks!" The color drained from her face. "That's not fair. That doesn't give you time to prepare anything."
He shrugged. "The judge thinks it's fair. And to be honest, I can see his point. As far as he's concerned, the sooner Rafael has some stability in his life, the better off he'll be. But if I can't stand there as part of a married couple, I won't have much chance of keeping him. Any adoption won't be final for a while, but if I'm not married, I'm not even a candidate."
She leaned forward. "Have you found someone to marry?"
"I've found someone."
"I'm so glad." He thought he saw a trace of sorrow in her eyes, then it was gone. "Who is it?"
He watched her steadily, and suddenly she drew back. "Oh, no, Ben. We've already had this discussion. I thought you understood why I had to say no. I thought you were looking for someone else."
"You're the one who doesn't understand. Don't you see, Janie? If I get married now, the judge and Rafael's caseworker are going to be very suspicious. They're going to think that I got married just to get custody of him. Especially now that the hearing has been moved up. You're the only one I can marry who can deflect that suspicion. You're the only woman I've spent time with recently, the only woman I've been seen with around town. You don't think your neighbors know I've visited your house? Twice? Trust me, the story is all over Cameron. I'm sorry, Janie. I know I'm backing you into a corner, but you have to marry me. Time has run out, and if you say no, I'm going to lose Rafael."
Her hands were clenched around the coffee cup, and she stared down into its depths as if she could find an answer there. When she looked up, her face was drawn and colorless.
"You can't expect me to make a decision like that right now. At least give me the day to think about it."
She raised her eyes, and the haunted look in them was almost enough to make him forget the proposal. Almost, but not quite. He was enough of a bastard to return her stare unflinchingly.
"Come to the house tonight," she finally said. "I'll have an answer for you then."
"I'll be there." He wanted to say more, tell her that she wouldn't regret marrying him, assure her that everything would work out, but instead he slid out of the booth. "I'll see you tonight, Janie," he said softly, then walked out of the restaurant.
* * *
Janie paced her living room, listening for the sound of Ben's Blazer in the street. Her stomach fluttered, her hands were damp and her heart boomed against her ribs. "Let's just get this over with," she said fiercely to the cat, who sat on the couch and watched her.
Mimi's inscrutable green gaze tracked her as she paced, following her around the room. Finally she threw herself onto a chair. "What am I going to do, Mimi?"
The cat rose from the couch, stretched, then jumped lightly to the floor. Her tail in the air, she walked out of the room. A few moments later she heard the cat eating. "I'm afraid that food isn't going to solve this problem," she muttered.
Finally she heard the sound of Ben's truck outside her house. Wondering uneasily how she was so certain it was Ben's, she looked out the window to be certain. When she saw him striding up the walk, her hand tightened on the material.
Deliberately unclenching her fist, she walked to the front door and waited for him to knock. When she opened the door, she hoped her hands weren't shaking and her face was calm.
"Come on in, Ben."
He stood in the hallway, searching her face. Turning abruptly, she led the way into the living room. She had to maintain some distance between them.
"Sit down."
He chose the couch, and she retreated to the chair on the other side of the room. She saw faint amusement flash in his eyes, then he leaned forward.
"What have you decided?"
"You believe in getting right to the point, don't you?"
"We've about discussed this to death." He made an impatient gesture. "Either you're going to marry me, or you're not."
"What will you do if I say no?" she asked.
His face hardened. "Then I'll fight as hard as I can for Rafael. I'll hire th
e best lawyer I can find, I'll do whatever I have to do. But I'll still lose."
"Why are you so certain of that?"
"Because you're not the only one with a past. I was married before, and if I'm single, I'm sure that'll be an issue. If I'm married, I hope that it won't be."
"What happened?"
His face looked like it had been carved from stone. "It doesn't matter. It's in the past, over and done with. All that matters is your decision."
She closed her eyes, feeling as if she was falling off a cliff. She didn't know where the bottom was, or if anyone would be there to catch her. Taking a deep breath, she said, "All right. I'll many you, Ben. And God help all three of us."
* * *
Chapter 4
«^»
Ben stood in the front of the church, watching Janie waiting at the end of the aisle. She clutched a bouquet of flowers that Carly McAllister had given her, turning them around and around in her hands as she waited for the music to start.
Ben knew very well that Janie felt she was putting him and Rafael in danger, that not only did she have to worry about her own safety, but his and Rafael's, too. And he didn't even want to think about the other things they'd have to worry about, once they were living in the same house.
A familiar flash of heat seared him, but he ignored it. Just as he'd ignored every similar instance of need he'd felt since Janie had come to Cameron.
Every instance but one, he reminded himself.
He shifted at the altar and deliberately looked away from Janie. He couldn't allow himself to think about that night. Not now, not ever again. Janie wasn't marrying him because she was in love with him. And he wasn't marrying her for love, either. They were marrying for the sake of a child.
Rafael stood next to him, scrubbed and polished, wearing his brand new suit and holding the wedding rings. Ben glanced over at him and felt his heart softening, as it always did when he saw Rafael. The boy looked so solemn, so serious.
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 4