While he was watching Rafael, the minister stuck his head out of a side door in the sanctuary, looked around, then closed the door again. If he was waiting for more people, Ben thought, he was going to be disappointed. Their wedding was going to be small and intimate.
Their wedding. Panic fluttered over him for a moment, then Devlin laid his hand on his arm.
"You all right, Ben?" he whispered.
Ben took a deep breath and glanced over at his friend. The concern in Devlin's eyes steadied him. "I'm fine. Just a little nervous."
Dev's face relaxed, and he grinned at Ben. "Now there's a surprise. Every groom in the history of mankind has been nervous. Remember how you had to practically hog-tie me to get me to the altar?"
Ben smiled back at his friend. "Yeah, I remember how you fought and kicked to get away from Carly."
Devlin's smile faded. "That was different. We had a lot more time to think about our decision. This is awfully sudden. Are you sure you don't want to wait?"
Wait? Ben wanted to laugh, but he didn't dare. It had taken all his and Janie's organizing abilities to pull off a plausible wedding in three days. And it had still been close.
He shook his head. "And give her the chance to change her mind?" he said lightly. "I got her to say yes in a weak moment, and I'm not going to give her any way out."
Dev slapped him on the back. "Everyone in town has been waiting for this day. It's too bad you couldn't wait awhile and make it a real shindig."
Thank goodness for the gossip that would make their wedding seem more real. And thank goodness they had an excuse to avoid a "shindig." Janie would have been horrified by the idea. "We didn't want to prolong things because of Rafael." It was the story he and Janie had agreed upon. "Both Janie and I want him to have time to get to know her before he gets busy with school starting."
"It makes sense, I guess."
"Janie and I know what's best for us. And for Rafael." Devlin's glance was sober. "I hope so, Ben. For all your sakes."
Just then the door at the side of the sanctuary opened again, and this time the minister emerged, closing the door firmly behind him. The organist started playing the wedding march and Carly, the matron of honor, stepped into the aisle at the back of the church.
As Ben watched her walk toward the front of the church, he remembered the argument he and Janie had had about the wedding. She didn't want to get married in church, and she didn't want anyone else present for the wedding. A quick ceremony in front of a justice of the peace in the county seat was what she'd had in mind.
But he had wanted to get married in Cameron, with at least a few people present. It was for the sake of the social worker who would be closely examining their marriage, he'd told Janie. A church wedding would go a long way to making it seem real.
Now he wished he'd agreed to the quick, emotionless ceremony in an impersonal, sterile office. Watching Carly float down the aisle made him uncomfortable. And the sight of Janie, standing in the back of the church in her borrowed wedding gown, brought bleak pictures to mind, memories he'd tried hard to banish.
Carly reached the front of the church and stepped into her place opposite Devlin, after exchanging a private smile with him. Ben's heart twisted painfully at that smile. He and Janie might be getting married, but he doubted if they would ever exchange that kind of intimate, loving look, the kind that didn't require any words.
And he didn't care, he reminded himself fiercely. He didn't want that kind of intimacy in his life. He didn't want that kind of caring, that kind of love. He didn't ever want to be that close to anyone again.
The music changed and the handful of people in the church stood, turned and looked back to where Janie waited. Ben saw her draw in a deep, trembling breath, then she forced her face into a smile and stepped into the church.
He couldn't take his eyes off her as she walked up the aisle. Shea Coulton had lent Janie the wedding dress she'd worn herself only a few months earlier. It had been her mother's dress, and Ben still remembered the tears that had glittered in Janie's eyes as she'd fingered the delicate material. Today, the satin and lace gleamed in the burnished light of the softly lit church, and Ben allowed his gaze to linger on Janie as she walked toward him.
It was all for show, he tried to tell himself, but his heart beat uncomfortably loud in his chest. Deliberately he tore his gaze away from Janie and looked over at Rafael. The boy had turned around with everyone else, and now he stared at Janie, too. He was doing this for Rafael, Ben told himself. That was the only reason.
Instead of watching Janie approach him, he watched Rafael. He had told Rafael that Janie would be living with them from now on, but the child hadn't shown much reaction. Now Rafael seemed to be as involved in the drama as the rest of the people in the church.
Every groom watched his bride come down the aisle, he reminded himself. Steeling himself to watch Janie approach, he turned back to her. She was close enough now that he could see the panic in her eyes, the belief that she'd made a horrible mistake. And suddenly all his fear disappeared.
They would pull this off. He and Janie could convince the world that they were completely in love and truly married. He was desperate enough, and Janie was strong enough. They would succeed.
When he smiled reassuringly at her, he saw some of her tension dissipate. And when she reached his side and he held out his hand, her fingers barely trembled in his.
They turned together to face the minister. And when he gave them an approving nod, Ben tightened his hold on Janie. He knew what she was giving up to many him, the chance she thought she was taking. She had done it for Rafael's sake, and because he had backed her into a corner, but he was still very grateful. As the minister read the beautiful language of the marriage ceremony and Ben repeated the vows after him, he made another vow to himself. He promised Janie silently that he would never give her reason to regret her generosity.
"You may kiss your bride."
The minister stepped back, and Ben looked down at Janie. She looked up at him with wary eyes, and he slowly leaned forward to put his hands on her shoulders. He meant to give her a quick brush of a kiss on the lips, no more than minimum contact. No one would fault him for restraint in a church.
But she looked so lost, so sad, that he wrapped his arms around her instead. When he pulled her close, he felt her trembling. And when he bent to kiss her, her scent wrapped itself around his heart and squeezed.
When he touched her lips with his, need that he'd kept under lock and key for five months burst out, heating his blood, raging through his body. He couldn't stop himself from pressing her closer.
Unbidden and unwanted, memories of that night crashed over him like a wave that has been held back for too long. He remembered how she tasted, how she felt, how she gave him back passion for passion, touch for touch. He remembered the fierce desire that had seized both of them, and how it seemed so right at the time.
He also remembered the fear in Janie's face the next morning, and the pain in his own heart. He'd felt more for Janie in that one night than he had for his wife in their entire marriage. He'd done exactly what he'd always promised himself wouldn't happen again, and gotten involved with a woman. And not just an anonymous woman he could walk away from and forget. This was Janie, a woman he would see every day of his life. A woman he'd yearned for since the day she'd arrived in Cameron.
He'd told himself he was relieved when she said that morning she couldn't see him again, couldn't spend any time with him. He'd agreed with her, told her that he didn't have anything to offer her, either. But a tiny part of his heart had shriveled and died as she'd walked away without looking back.
Now when he kissed her, she went rigid with surprise. But then he felt her melt into him. Her hands clutched at his back and her lips opened beneath his. As he tasted the dark pleasure of her mouth, he felt the moment that she surrendered. He savored and swallowed her throaty moan of pleasure, gloried in the way she buckled against him. And allowed himself a moment of
undiluted triumph in the knowledge that she was now his.
The thought stopped him cold. Janie was not now, nor would she ever be, his. There was nothing more between them than a marriage of convenience. She was doing him a huge favor, marrying him so he could adopt Rafael. And he, in turn, would try to protect her from whoever wanted to kill her. They had made a bargain, not a marriage.
He ignored the pain in the corner of his heart as he eased away from her. When he looked down into her dark blue eyes, now almost black with desire, he cursed himself for an insensitive fool. After what had happened between them, Janie would undoubtedly make more of his kiss than he'd intended.
But she recovered quickly. Her eyes cooled and she stepped away from him before he could move away from her. The minister said, "May I present Mr. and Mrs. Ben Jackson." She turned too quickly to face the people in the church, and stumbled slightly on the carpet.
He took her hand to steady her, and realized she was still trembling. When he forced himself to look at her face, he saw the sheen of tears in her eyes.
But she didn't let them fall. Janie straightened her spine, and he could almost see her willing herself not to cry. After a moment, she blinked the tears away and her hand steadied in his.
He wanted to bend down and kiss her again, tell her how strong she was and how much he admired her for it. Instead, he pulled her hand through his arm and gently led her down the aisle.
When they reached the back, he swung her around to face him before the other people came to offer their congratulations. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to kiss you like that in front of everyone in the church."
"I thought that was precisely what you intended," she answered, her voice cool. "Think of how good it will look on the social worker's report. It certainly makes the wedding seem more authentic."
"Dammit, Janie, I wouldn't play with you like that."
"Then what do you call this charade of a wedding?" Her hand brushed down the dress she wore. "I'm even wearing Shea's mother's wedding dress, for God's sake. Your kiss was just one more false thing about today."
Nothing about that kiss had been false, he wanted to tell her, but he pressed his lips together and bit back the words. If his heart occasionally betrayed him, no one else had to know.
Then Carly and Devlin reached them. Dev shook his hand, and Carly hugged him. "Congratulations," they said together, then they reached for Janie. Ben clenched his teeth as Shea approached him, and steeled himself for the day ahead.
* * *
Janie wasn't sure how she was going to make it through the rest of the day. She looked around her restaurant, Heaven on Seventh, and wondered wildly when her two waitresses, Mandy and Phyllis, had managed to find the time to decorate the place. They had been at the church for the ceremony, so they must have come over early this morning to mass fresh flowers around the room and hang streamers from the ceiling.
She hadn't wanted to have a reception. A reception implied a celebration of the marriage, something that would be completely false. And now, seeing the familiar faces smiling and talking, she felt a curl of shame about the deceit that she and Ben were perpetuating.
But before she could give in to impulse and run out the door, Melba Corboy came over and touched her arm. The older woman was dressed in what Janie was sure was her best dress, and a smile softened her face.
"You thank that husband of yours for inviting me to your wedding, Janie," she said. She glanced over her shoulder at the young woman who stood talking to Shea Coulton. "And for inviting Tessa, too. It was kind of him to include her and make her feel like a part of Cameron."
Janie couldn't stop the smile that bloomed as she looked at Melba and Tessa. Ben, she knew, had been particularly protective of Melba ever since someone had broken into her boarding house to harass Carly while she was staying with Melba. Janie knew that he went over to Melba's frequently to check on the older woman. Melba's latest guest was Tessa Shipley. Tessa was a friend of Carly's who had moved to Cameron after ending her abusive marriage, and a close friendship had developed between the quiet young woman and the crusty Melba.
"Ben and I were both happy you could join us, Melba," Janie said. That, at least, was sincere. It was one of the few sincere things about the day. "And I'm glad to get a chance to get to know Tessa."
Melba's eyes softened. "I'm glad she's moved here," she said gruffly. "She's been good for me."
Janie knew it was the closest Melba would come to saying how much she cared about the young woman, and Janie glanced over at Tessa with interest. She was talking to Carly now, waving her hands through the air in delicate, graceful gestures. "It looks like she's describing her latest jewelry design to Carly," Janie said lightly.
Melba shook her head. "That girl needs to think about something besides her work. She needs to get out and meet more people."
"Sometimes focusing on your work is the best way to heal yourself." Janie compressed her lips. She could never tell Melba that she spoke from experience.
"Maybe so." Melba glanced over at Tessa again. "But one of these days, she's going to have to come out of her cocoon."
Janie knew Ben moved beside her before she felt his touch. And when he slipped an arm casually around her shoulders, her heart thumped against her chest almost painfully.
"She'll do it when she's ready, Melba," Ben said in his deep voice. "And in the meantime, you've been dam … darned good to her. That's what she needs."
Janie was surprised to see Melba's cheeks flush pink. "I take care of my guests," she said, and her voice was sharp. It was almost sharp enough to hide the pleasure that flashed in her eyes.
The rare smile that spread across Ben's face made Janie's heart flutter. "That you do, Melba In fact, you take such good care of them that most of your recent guests have stayed in Cameron. I'd say that was a pretty good track record."
Melba's face softened again. "It's good to see you young people getting married. I've enjoyed every one of the weddings we've had lately in Cameron."
She watched them carefully. "You two take good care of each other, and of young Rafael." She smiled once more. "But I don't think anyone has to tell you that. You were made for each other."
Silence hung between them, heavy and uncomfortable, as Melba turned and walked away. Finally Janie spoke, trying to lighten the mood. "I guess that's one positive vote for the social worker."
Ben took her upper arms in his hands and turned her to face him. "This is hard for you, Janie. I'm sorry."
She wanted to snap back at him, give him a sharp answer that would vent her frustration. But she saw the lines on his face, the strain in his eyes, and she sighed. "It's not easy for you, either. We'll get through the day."
"It's not today I'm worried about," he muttered.
A flash of heat seared her as she thought about the coming night, and all the nights to follow. She hadn't wanted to move into Ben's house. Even though she'd only been inside one time, memories of that one night still consumed her.
Ben had found her sitting on a bench in the park late at night. It had been one of the nights when the loneliness, the hopelessness of her situation had overwhelmed her. And when Ben sat down beside her, she had seen the pain in his eyes.
It had been a night of mutual comfort. She'd told herself so countless times in the past few months. But her heart knew they had shared more than comfort. Ben had touched a place in her heart that she'd thought was forever hidden, and she'd never been the same.
But she couldn't risk thinking anymore about that night, so she chose to deliberately misunderstand him. "Everyone in town is sure that our marriage is real," she finally said, managing to keep the wobble out of her voice. "We'll do just fine with the social worker."
Ben slanted a glance at her, and the fire in his eyes told her he hadn't been thinking about the social worker, either. Then she watched as he banked the fires, and slowly nodded. "Thanks to you, Janie. If the judge approves our adoption petition, it will be thanks to you."
Ben watched her for a moment, then an odd little smile curled his lips. "Don't shortchange yourself, Janie. I think Rafael needs you as much as I do."
For just a moment, need filled his eyes and hope leaped to life in her chest. For just that moment, she allowed herself to think that he needed her in a far different way than as a temporary wife. Then the moment of vulnerability was gone, his need hidden carefully away. Once again his face was aloof and closed.
"We need to talk to people, eat some food, play the happy couple," he said after a moment. His voice was gruff.
"I don't think I could swallow a thing." Just the thought of eating made a large, greasy ball of anxiety swell in her stomach.
Surprisingly, he grinned at her. "No one will mind that. They'll put it down to wedding day nerves."
"They'd be right," she muttered. It was far more than nerves, she thought grimly. She'd never thought of herself as an actress. But she had to put on the performance of her life today, then follow it up with a similar act every day from now on. As far as the world was concerned, she and Ben were deliriously in love and committed to each other and Rafael.
"Where is Rafael?" she asked, realizing she hadn't seen him for a while.
Ben's face relaxed in another grin. "He's raiding the wedding cake with Cassie Farrell. The last time I checked on him, Cassie was telling him all about barrel racing. I expect the next thing he's going to want is a horse and barrel racing lessons."
Janie looked around the restaurant until she spotted Rafael and the dark-haired Cassie sitting at a table, their legs swinging back and forth as they ate cake and talked. Rafael stared at Cassie, his face rapt with attention. Janie's heart contracted in her chest as she watched the two children.
"I'm so glad he's spending more time with other children."
"The kids have been good for him." Ben's voice roughened, as if he was trying to hide his emotion. "Tom Jessup has had him out to his ranch a few times to play with Stevie, and there are a few kids in the neighborhood who have been coming around the house. It finally looks like he's opening up."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 5