When Ben smoothed his hand over her cheek and down her throat, she felt him trembling. And when he eased away from her, his regret lingered in the air between them, heavy and dark.
"What's wrong?" she managed to say.
"I'm sorry, Janie. That wasn't any part of the bargain we made." He moved away from her and leaned back in his seat, careful not to look at her. "I had to kiss you in church, but you're supposed to be calling all the shots in this marriage. I promise you I won't touch you again."
That would be the smart thing to do, Janie knew. But she said in a small voice, "It's not as if I was objecting."
"You should have been." He still refused to look over at her. "I don't have anything to give you, Janie. I thought I made that clear. This marriage is supposed to be for Rafael's sake, nothing more. It's not supposed to be about kissing you in a car, in full view of my neighborhood, for God's sake."
"Then think of it as part of the show." She hoped the trembling she felt inside didn't leak into her voice. "If the neighbors were watching, they saw what they expected to see. So be glad about that."
"I don't want to take advantage of you." His words were a murmur of velvet in the darkness of the car, and because his voice made her shiver, she allowed his words to prick her temper.
"I'm not a child, Ben," she said, and her tone was sharper than she'd intended. "I'm an adult, just like you. No one takes advantage of me without my full cooperation. If I hadn't wanted you to kiss me, I would have said so."
"Fine. We'll think of it as part of the act. But I hope someone in the neighborhood was keeping track."
"Don't worry," she said dryly, her temper vanishing. "I'm sure any number of people will be able to testify that we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and we weren't even in the house yet."
"Let's go." Ben's voice was abrupt as he climbed out of the truck and slammed the door. "I'm not giving any more free shows."
She wanted desperately to ask if he was tempted to do so, but she didn't want to hear the answer. They had made a bargain, after all, and it would be better for both of them if they stuck to it. When Ben kissed her, she might forget all the reasons she couldn't get involved with him, but that didn't mean that those reasons ceased to exist. Here, on the dark and quiet street, she remembered every one of them.
As Ben opened the door of the truck and waited for her to get out, she couldn't stop herself from looking into the dark shadows surrounding Ben's house and the houses close to it. When Ben laid a hand on her arm, she jumped.
"It's all right, Janie. There's no one here but the two of us."
"How can you be sure?" she asked. "I can't take that chance. Especially now. I have to think about you and Rafael."
"Think of it this way. Now, if someone wants to get to you, he'll have to go through me. And I don't bend very easily."
No, Ben Jackson didn't bend. She knew that for a fact. She just hoped that he didn't end up breaking before this charade of a marriage was over. "Let's go into the house."
He nodded, but she saw a muscle working in his jaw. "I'll get the stuff in the car later."
When they approached the front door, he took out his keys and unlocked the dead bolt, then turned on the lights. Ben stood back, but Janie hesitated. They had stood in front of the minister and said their vows, but the marriage hadn't seemed real somehow until this moment. Stepping into Ben's home tonight would seal the bargain in a way that was far too intimate. And once they were inside that door, there were far too many memories waiting to ambush her.
"Thanks for reminding me," Ben murmured, and his voice was too close. "If you hadn't hesitated, I would have forgotten the ritual. And we don't want to disappoint our audience."
"You would have forgotten what?" she said, turning to face him. She found he was standing right next to her, his face grim.
"This." He swept her up into his arms and carried her across the threshold into his house. Kicking the door shut, he stood her back on her feet, then quickly moved away from her.
"We wouldn't want to forget any of the romantic nonsense people expect from newlyweds," he said, walking into the kitchen to turn on the lights there. Then he headed down the short hallway that led to the bedrooms.
"It's not nonsense," she murmured to herself. She tried to keep the hurt from welling up inside her. What woman didn't dream of her wedding day, of having her husband carry her across the threshold of their home? She had put such dreams out of her mind three years ago, she reminded herself. It was moments like this, though, that made the pain of all her losses stir again.
Ben emerged from the hallway, and she saw that all the lights in the house had been turned on. "I figured you'd be more comfortable if the house wasn't dark," he said.
"Thank you. That was thoughtful of you."
He paced the living room, but didn't sit down. Tension seemed to vibrate off him in tangible waves. Her heart tripped in her chest and speeded up. They were alone, and the endless night stretched ahead of them.
But she would be darned if she would let him see how nervous that made her. She was too vulnerable to Ben as it was. So she tilted her chin into the air and sat down in a chair.
"Stop pacing, Ben. We're both adults." She leaned back against the seat and forced her face into a cool, detached expression. "There's no reason we can't manage an evening spent together. There's plenty to talk about."
He stopped walking, but he didn't sit down. He swiveled to face her. "And what topics of conversation have you picked out for us, Mrs. Jackson?" There was a flash of pain in his eyes as he spoke. "Would you like to talk about which drawers you're going to have in the dresser? Or how about how I can make room in my closet for your clothes?" He paused, and she saw something flare in his eyes, heat and a need that she was sure she imagined. "Or maybe you'd like to talk about the sleeping arrangements."
She swallowed once and looked away from him. For just a moment, she wished that theirs was a real marriage. She wished she had the right to wrap her arms around him, to take away the pain she saw in his eyes. And respond to the passion that was hidden below it. But she didn't. So she swallowed again and said, "I thought maybe we could talk about Rafael."
He nodded curtly. "Yeah, we need to talk about Rafael. There's a lot I have to tell you about him. But not tonight.
"Tonight I think we need to talk about ancient history." He paused, and this time there was no mistaking the desire that heated his face. "We need to talk about what happened five months ago."
* * *
Chapter 6
«^»
Ben stopped, appalled at himself. That night was the last thing he intended to bring up to Janie. It was the last thing he wanted to think about. The events of that night still haunted him, but Janie couldn't ever find that out.
He didn't have a clue to how Janie felt about that night. Even now, when he looked over at her, she lifted her chin defiantly and pushed a few tendrils of her wavy red hair off her face. Her eyes didn't tell him anything.
Another wave of admiration swept over him for this woman he'd married. Janie had a backbone of steel. The events in her life that had led her to Cameron could have destroyed another person. But they only seemed to have made her stronger. And now, when he brought up a subject that was bound to be embarrassing, if not downright upsetting, she merely lifted her chin and watched him with that cool blue gaze of hers.
"What is it that we need to talk about? I thought we'd said everything that needed saying that morning."
Her words were as cool as her gaze, but he heard the slight tremble in her voice. For a moment, wild hope rose up in him, a hope he'd always refused to acknowledge. Maybe she hadn't been as unaffected by that night as she'd wanted him to believe. Maybe it had meant more to her than comfort and an exchange of pleasure.
And maybe he was a complete fool, Ben told himself harshly. It didn't matter what she'd felt. It couldn't matter. Because he couldn't let it matter to him.
"I thought we should clear the air," he said
, shifting on the suddenly lumpy chair and wishing he'd kept his damn mouth shut.
"There's nothing in the air to clear. I was lonely that night. It had been two years, and I thought nothing was ever going to change. I was feeling sorry for myself. I shouldn't have been crying on that park bench, but I was. When you found me, I needed someone to hold me and comfort me. The comfort went too far, but I don't regret it." Her gaze shifted, and now she didn't quite meet his eyes. "I'm sorry if you do."
"I don't regret that night," he said, too quickly. God, if she only knew how he'd dreamed of that night. How he'd wished passionately, in a hidden corner of his soul, that it would happen again. "But I don't want you worrying that it'll happen again."
Her gaze snapped back to his. "I have no illusions, Ben. This wasn't a happily-ever-after kind of day. We have a marriage of convenience, not passion. But I'm committed to making it work. I'm committed to making sure that Rafael stays with you. And I'll do anything I have to do to make that happen. Including pretending to the world that we're madly in love."
For just a moment, he allowed himself the fantasy that she wouldn't have to pretend. For just a moment, he allowed himself to forget the past, forget all the vows he had made to himself. For just a moment, he actually allowed himself to hope that eventually, he and Janie would be a normal couple, with a normal marriage. Something he once believed he'd had.
That would never happen. The voice inside of him spoke harshly, castigating him for the fool that he was.
And he had to make sure that Janie felt the same way. "So that night is forgotten?"
"Completely," she said, her voice firm.
"And it's not going to be a problem for you?"
"No. How about you?"
"It won't be a problem for me," he answered, and his voice was grimmer than he'd intended. He wouldn't allow it to be a problem.
"I'm glad we got that out of the way," she said, but for a moment, he saw a trace of sadness in her eyes, a sadness that seemed to come from deep inside her. Then her eyes became aloof once again. "Why don't you tell me more about Rafael? I know school starts in a few days. I know you've been juggling your work schedule so you could spend as much time with him as possible. What are we going to do once he's in school most of the day?"
Ben wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed that the conversation had taken such an impersonal direction. Then he sighed. He'd better be damned glad it was impersonal. He was feeling too edgy, too restless tonight. He didn't want to do something dangerous, something that he and Janie would both regret. So he dragged his thoughts back to Rafael.
"I'm going to start working days again. That way I'll be here soon after he gets home from school. I've already talked to Laura Weston. I'll take him over to her house in the morning. Laura can take him to school with her children, Jenny and Todd. Then Rafael can go to Laura's after school until I get home."
"I can go to the restaurant a little later every day," Janie said slowly. "I've been thinking about hiring another cook, anyway. That way I could be here to see him off to school in the morning. So he'd only be with Laura for a little while after school every day."
"You don't have to do that, Janie," he said, moved by her offer. "That wasn't part of the deal."
"I guess I'm going to be breaking the deal, then." Her voice became cool again. "Don't worry. Ben. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for Rafael. And think of how good it will look to the social worker who's going to be making the recommendations to the judge."
"You make it sound so cold-blooded," he muttered.
"Isn't that what it's supposed to be?" she demanded. "I thought those were the rules."
"I don't know what the rules are," he said, jumping up and pacing around the room. "All I could think about was keeping Rafael. Saving him. And marrying you was the only way I knew of to do that."
"I know." Her voice softened and she sighed. "I'm sorry, Ben. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I know that everything you've done has been for Rafael. I wouldn't have agreed to this marriage if I hadn't seen how much you cared about him. But you're going to have to let me do some things for him, too. Otherwise he'll figure out that there's something wrong." She tilted her head and watched him carefully. "Are you trying to protect him from me?"
"I guess I am," he answered slowly. "He's lost too much already in his eight years. I don't want him to get attached to you, then have you leave."
"You should have thought about that before you cornered me into marrying you." Her voice could have been tart, but instead it was weary. "I won't abandon him, Ben. If we go our separate ways after you get custody of him, I'll still he a part of his life. Lots of parents get divorced, but that doesn't mean they forget about their children. I won't forget about Rafael."
"I wasn't asking you for a lifetime commitment to him."
"You may not have been asking for it, but that's what I hope to give him. Did you really think I could just turn my back on him and forget about him once my 'job' was finished?" She glared at him, her eyes sparking.
Ben ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. Everything had become far more complicated than he'd planned. "I hadn't thought that far ahead," he admitted. "I couldn't see any farther than the custody hearing."
"I know." She rose from her chair and stood next to him. Her hand hovered above his arm for a moment, almost as if she couldn't bring herself to touch him, then she brushed his tensed muscles with her fingertips. His muscles quivered at her touch, and she quickly pulled her hand away.
"If I hadn't seen your single-minded devotion to Rafael, I wouldn't have agreed to this marriage. But I had no doubts that he would be better off with you than with anyone else." She smiled, and he was struck again at the sweetness in her. "How many times do we actually get a chance to do something that will make a real difference in a child's life? We'll get through this, Ben. We'll get permanent custody of Rafael, and we'll adopt him. And we'll deal with whatever comes along afterward."
"I wish I had known you years ago, Janie. Before you had to run away, and before I…" The words came out of nowhere, startling him. But he realized it was true.
"Before you what, Ben?"
"Before I became cynical and hard." He turned away from her, because he wanted to tell her all of it. He wanted to tell her the truth, the reason why he was alone and would always be alone. And he was appalled by the need to bare his soul to her.
"What happened to make you cynical and hard, Ben?" she asked quietly.
"Life happened." His voice was brusque. "We'd better get to bed. It's been a long day."
"And we don't want to let the neighbors see the lights on for too long in this house," she said, too lightly.
"No, we don't." He swallowed once and turned to face her again. "We need to talk about the sleeping arrangements, Janie."
"All right. Where am I going to sleep?" There was no lightness in her voice now.
"This is a two-bedroom house," he said grimly. "Rafael has one bedroom, and I have the other. And don't forget the social worker. She'll ask Rafael where we sleep. She'll make it sound like a game, and Rafael will tell her every detail about our lives."
"That's despicable!" Janie's face was pale, but her eyes flashed.
"That's her job. She's only thinking of Rafael. She wants to make sure that he's in the best possible home."
"Then all she has to do is watch you with him. And watch him when he's with you. That will tell her everything she needs to know."
Her eyes were blue fires, and Ben felt his heart weakening. Janie was so fierce in his defense. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and thank her, but he knew better. Touching her was off limits. Touching Janie tonight would be the biggest mistake he could possibly make.
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, because his heart didn't want to listen to his head. "What we want doesn't matter, Janie." He hoped his heart was listening. "We have to think about how everyone else is going to see our marriage. And that means sleeping in the same
room. In the same bed."
Her face was even more pale and her eyes enormous. "How can we do that, Ben?" she whispered. "I can't sleep in that bed with you. I'll do nothing but remember…"
She clamped her mouth shut, but it was too late. His heart leaped. That night had been important to her. It had been about more than pleasure and comfort, more than mere sex. But he caught himself before he could go to her. "It's a big bed, Janie," he said, his voice even. "I promise I won't touch you. We can manage to share it."
"Do you really believe that?" Her voice was a low, agonized murmur.
"I have to believe that. Because that's the way it has to be. You can't sleep on the couch. And you can't sleep in Rafael's room. That leaves my room, and my bed."
"I can sleep in Rafael's bed tonight," she said, and there was desperation in her voice.
Ben shook his head. "Then what happens tomorrow night? Do you think we'll both be able to act perfectly normal with that hanging over our heads? Don't you think there'd be some tension in the air before we crawl into bed together? And don't think that Rafael won't notice the tension. He's a smart kid, and I have a feeling he needed his wits to survive in San Rafael. He'll figure out that something is wrong."
"And you think that sleeping together tonight is going to make it easier to sleep together tomorrow night?" she demanded.
"It'll get easier every night," he said. He hoped that was true. Because if it wasn't, his life would be hell in the next weeks and months. He wasn't sure how he was going to make it through the nights with Janie sleeping in his bed.
Janie chewed on her lip, her body quivering with tension. Finally she looked up at him. "There must be some other way." Her voice echoed with desperation and her eyes looked hunted.
"No. I'm sorry, Janie, but there's no way around this. We have to share a room, and a bed. Because if we don't, our marriage will be exposed for the sham that it is."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 7