"I could sleep on the floor."
"There's no reason for you to do that." His voice softened. "I promised I wouldn't touch you, and I won't."
"I'm not worried about you breaking your promises," she said, slashing her hand through the air as if dismissing that concern.
"Then what are you worried about?"
She glared at him. "Do I have to spell it out for you, Ben? We're two healthy, normal people, and we shared that bed once before. What do you think is going to happen if we sleep together every night?"
The devil inside him, the one that he fought constantly, was beginning to enjoy her distress. "I can control myself, Janie. Are you telling me that you can't?"
Sparks flew from her eyes. "We're going to find out very soon. Because if I manage not to kill you right now, it will be a miracle of self-control."
Incredibly, Ben found himself smiling. "Whatever else our marriage is going to be, it won't be dull." Ignoring what his reason told him, feeling only his need to hold her, he moved closer and pulled her into his arms. He held her close in spite of the way her body stiffened. "I'm sorry I teased you, but we both need to lighten up. Yeah, it's going to be tough. It's not going to be easy to sleep in the same bed with you every night. We're going to know things about each other, intimate things that we'd rather not share with a virtual stranger. But Rafael is worth it. And if you can do it, so can I."
She didn't relax in his arms, but she stopped trying to push away from him. "I know." He felt her sigh ripple out of her body. "I know that it's not any easier for you than it is for me. But I wasn't expecting this. I thought we'd be able to keep some distance from each other, keep things impersonal and businesslike."
"I'll try, Janie. But the world isn't going to buy a businesslike marriage."
"The people in Cameron will see what they expect to see," she answered, but she didn't move away from him.
"Maybe, but the social worker is going to be a much harder sell than Cameron. And she's the one who counts." He allowed his hand to drift down her back, telling himself that he was merely comforting her. But the wave of need that flooded over him had very little to do with comfort. He told himself to move away from her, to stop touching her, but he couldn't do it.
She sighed again, and when her body trembled against his, desire stabbed into him with the force of a lightning bolt. His hand hesitated on her back, aching to drift lower and shape her hips, but he moved higher instead. She wanted comfort from him, and nothing more.
"I know you're right, Ben." She looked up at him, and he saw weariness in her eyes. He wondered if that weariness was why she'd let her guard down. "But it's going to be hard for me. I've kept to myself for so long, been careful for so long, that it would be tough to open up even if we had a real marriage."
"No one expects you to change overnight. The social worker will understand that there are a lot of adjustments in a marriage." He continued to stroke her back, his hands slow and careful. He felt every bump in her spine, every ridge of tense muscle. And he ached to burrow beneath her clothes, to massage away the tension, to touch her skin. Every part of him remembered how she felt.
"I guess we'll just have to do a good job of convincing her that anything odd she notices is one of those adjustments." She sighed again and burrowed closer. He wondered if she realized what she was doing.
"You can do it, Janie. I think you could do anything you set your mind to doing."
"I'm not sure I can do this." Her voice was muffled against his chest. "But I'll try."
"Then let's go to bed." He forced himself to step back and let her go. His body ached with the loss, and he turned away so she wouldn't see how she'd affected him. "You go ahead. I'll turn off the lights and lock up."
"Is there a, ah…" She licked her lips once, and his body tightened. The memory of her taste exploded in his mouth. "What side of the bed should I take?"
"It doesn't matter." His voice was guttural and harsh, his desire barely under control. "Wherever you're comfortable."
She looked as if she wanted to say something, then she merely nodded once and turned away. She practically ran into the bathroom.
The door clicked shut, and he waited to hear her lock it. When she didn't, he smiled to himself without humor. Janie was entirely too trusting. If she had known what he was thinking, she would have locked the door and pulled something in front of it.
The sound of running water tormented him. Was she getting undressed? Would she take a shower? He pictured her standing in the shower, water running off her body, and images were so vivid that he thought he could reach out and touch her. Cursing himself, calling himself every kind of fool, he turned abruptly and hurried away from the small bathroom.
He tried to erase the images from his mind as he concentrated on locking the doors and windows. He had to focus on his job, and right now, his job was keeping Janie safe.
If you warned to keep her safe, you shouldn't be in the same house with her. The voice inside his head was grim. His agreement with Janie, his promise not to touch her, was in danger of falling apart He wanted her with a desire so fierce, so intense, that it threatened to consume him. He couldn't bear to think about the coming night, when he would be forced to lie next to her, surrounded by her scent, listening to her breathe, and not touch her.
So he would concentrate on something else, he told himself, and he blocked off the sounds coming from the bathroom. He would concentrate on keeping Janie safe from the dangers that she feared from outside this house. He moved deliberately through the small house, checking every window lock, then testing the new dead bolts on the doors.
It was the least he could do. He didn't think Janie had anything to worry about, but he intended to respect her feelings about her safety. And he knew she would worry if the house wasn't locked up tight.
As he moved through the house, one part of his mind couldn't stop listening to Janie. He knew the instant the water stopped running, the instant the bathroom door opened. By the time he'd finished checking and double-checking the windows and doors, Janie was in the bedroom with the door half-closed, and his heart was pounding. Knowing she was there, knowing that she was in his bed, made his blood surge in his veins. He wanted nothing more than to go to her, to slide into bed beside her and have the right to reach for her.
But he didn't have that right. Not tonight or any night in the future. So he pushed the images out of his mind and tried to think about Rafael, or his job or anything that would take his mind off Janie.
Nothing worked. By the time he walked into the bedroom, he could think of nothing but Janie. Her scent swirled around him, filling the room with her essence. And he could focus on nothing but her slight form, curled into a ball on the edge of the bed.
She'd turned on the lamp on his side of the bed and the pool of golden light spilled across his sheets, burnishing her red hair to gold. He could tell she was pretending to be asleep. As he watched her tense body lying on the bed, a spear of tenderness moved through him. It pushed the need into the background and allowed him to regain a small part of his control.
He eased into bed and turned off the light. For a long time he lay perfectly still, his muscles tense, barely breathing. Janie didn't move, either. But he could feel her tension throbbing in the air, feel her uneasiness as though it was a living thing coiled between them.
"Janie?" His voice was a disembodied whisper in the dark room, barely audible.
She was silent for so long that he was afraid she wouldn't answer, afraid that she would stubbornly maintain the illusion of sleep. But finally she said, "What?"
"I'm not going to jump your bones, you know." No matter how much he wanted to do just that.
"I know that."
"Then why are you lying there as stiff as a board, almost falling off the edge of the bed?"
"I am not!"
"You are, Janie." Hearing the indignation in her voice, he smiled to himself in the darkness and felt a little of the tension draining away. "I can hear
your fingernails digging in from here, trying to hold on."
She rolled over onto her side, and in the darkness he saw the glitter of her eyes. "Don't flatter yourself, Ben. You sound as if I can't resist you. I can resist you just fine."
"Great. Then you don't have anything to worry about. Relax and go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
He heard her breath huff out in an angry whoosh. "I was asleep until you woke me up."
"Sorry." He grinned into the darkness, glad that the heavy tension had lifted. "I'll keep my mouth shut."
"You do that."
She rolled over again, but this time she wasn't on the edge of the bed and in danger of falling out. Her back was turned to him again, but he hoped that she would concentrate on being angry with him and not about how close he was. Because if she fell asleep, he might have a chance at getting some sleep himself. As long as Janie was awake, he would be awake beside her, damning himself for wanting her.
He was awake when she fell asleep some minutes later, and he was awake when she rolled over and bumped into him. He tensed, waiting for her to recoil, but she didn't back away. Instead, she murmured in her sleep and snuggled closer.
A better man would move away from her, would give her the room he knew she wanted. A better man wouldn't take advantage of a sleeping woman.
He'd never claimed to be even a good man, let alone a better one. So he turned into her embrace, allowed her to curl her hand into his chest. And when one of her legs slipped between his, he clenched his teeth, but he didn't ease away from her.
As they lay close together on the bed, her hair tickled his nose and her scent seemed to surround him. Her skin was warm and supple through the cotton gown she wore, and another spasm of need ripped through him. But beneath the desire, beneath the physical yearning for her, was an underlying tenderness.
No one could ever doubt Janie's strength. But he wondered how many people ever saw her vulnerability? How many people had she shared her fears with? Damn few, he'd bet.
His hand tightened on her and he pulled her closer. He'd keep her safe, he vowed, if he had to die trying. As long as Janie was in Cameron, nothing would hurt her. And if all they ever had together was this furtive tenderness in the middle of the night, so be it. It might be wrong to hold her like this, but it wasn't the first time he'd done something wrong.
If this was all he ever had of Janie, he'd hold on for all he was worth.
* * *
Chapter 7
«^»
Janie stirred and drifted awake, opening her eyes to see sunlight pouring in through the window curtain. She frowned at the sight, confused. Her bedroom windows weren't this bright. She kept them shuttered, so sunlight couldn't possibly get into the room.
As she glanced around, she realized this wasn't her bedroom, and then she remembered. This was Ben's bedroom. She and Ben had gotten married yesterday.
And Ben was lying next to her, his legs intimately tangled with hers, one hand curled around her chest, his fingers dangerously close to the curve of her breast.
Before she could think, before she could move away, heat and need roared through her, igniting a desire that stunned her. She had told herself last night that she wasn't interested in Ben. She'd convinced herself that getting involved with him right now would be foolish and dangerous, and she'd had enough danger in her life to last forever. She didn't need any more of that.
But apparently her body hadn't bought all those careful arguments, because she and Ben were entwined together like lovers.
From the sound of his steady, slow breathing, Ben was still asleep. Maybe if she could ease away from him and get out of the bed before he woke up, he would never know what had happened. A wave of heat flooded her face as she tried to move carefully away from him. After all she'd said to him yesterday about getting involved, about sleeping in the same bed, she'd ended up crawling all over him during the night.
He had every right to laugh at her the next time she said they could live together and behave like responsible adults.
She tried to slide away from him again, and Ben's eyes flew open. For a moment, as he focused on her, he looked as confused as she'd felt earlier. Then his eyes darkened and his gaze took on an intensity that she told herself she couldn't respond to. "Good morning, Janie."
"Good morning." She tried desperately to sound dignified and nonchalant at the same time. "It looks as though we both move around in our sleep."
Ben glanced down their bodies, his gaze lingering on their tangled legs. "I guess we do."
Slowly he pulled his legs away from hers. Before he rolled over, she felt the heavy weight of his arousal against her thigh. Then he turned and sat up on the edge of the bed, his back to her.
"I'm sorry, Janie. I didn't mean for that to happen."
"No apology is necessary. You can't help what you do in your sleep." She hated the prim sound of her voice, but told herself it was better than the alternative. Ben would be horrified if he knew how much their casual contact had aroused her. Sleeping this close together wasn't part of the deal.
"Right," he muttered. He sat on the bed for a moment longer, almost as if he wanted to turn around and say something to her. Then he stood up and grabbed for a robe. "I'll leave and let you get out of bed."
Before she could stop him, he hurried from the room and closed the door behind him. Almost, she thought to herself, as if he was running away.
That was for the best, she told herself firmly as she slid out of bed and searched for a pair of shorts. Their movements during the night had been unconscious and unknowing. They had moved around and ended up next to each other. It was as simple as that. There was no reason to make it any more complicated.
A small voice inside her mocked her words. Nothing was going to be simple when it came to her and Ben. And the desire she'd felt this morning, waking up next to him, just added another level to the complicated feelings she already had for him.
She dressed slowly, trying to give both of them a chance to recover their equilibrium. When she finally emerged from the bedroom, the smell of coffee and bacon filled the air.
"What are you doing?" she asked as she walked into the kitchen. Ben stood at the stove, turning bacon and cooking pancakes.
"I figured you could use a morning off from cooking. Yon can eat someone else's cooking for a change." He handed her a cup of coffee and she stared down at it.
"How did you know how I liked my coffee?" She took a sip, and it was perfect
He shrugged, but didn't turn around to face her. "I noticed how you fixed it at the restaurant."
"That's very observant of you."
"That's my job, Janie." Finally he turned around. "I'm supposed to notice things, and now it's just a habit. I pay attention to everything."
"And you noticed my coffee in case you had me in the lockup one day and needed to know how to fix it for me?" she asked lightly, moved more than she should have been that he'd noticed.
One side of his mouth quirked up in a grin. "You've got it. I have a catalog of everyone in Cameron's taste in coffee."
The atmosphere lightened, and she looked around the kitchen. "What can I do to help?"
"You can sit yourself down in a chair and watch me. Since Heaven on Seventh is closed today, you're not doing any cooking."
"Are you trying to butter me up?" She would keep the conversation light, or die trying.
They managed to keep up the lighthearted banter during breakfast and the cleanup that followed. But when they had finished, she saw uneasiness flicker in Ben's eyes. She understood, because she felt it, too. What did they do now? How would they spend their time today without Rafael there to act as a buffer between them, to be the focus of their attention?
Ben leaned against the kitchen counter, watching her. She stared out the window, trying to avoid his gaze. Finally he said, "What next? We have a whole day to fill."
She forced herself to look at him. "I don't know. Do you have any suggestions?"
&nb
sp; He shrugged and pushed himself away from the counter. "Why don't we move the rest of your things into the house, then we can go out and get Rafael when we're finished."
"He's going to be disappointed to leave Shea and Jesse." She spoke without thinking.
Ben's gaze bored into her. "Do you want to leave him there for another night?"
"No!" Horrified at the thought of spending another night alone with Ben, she shook her head vigorously. "Of course not. He just looked so happy to be playing with that dog."
"We'll get him a dog, then. He's never asked for one before."
She shook her head and managed to grin at him. "First a child, then a wife, and now a dog. It sounds like you've become completely domesticated."
But instead of the answering grin she expected, Ben's face closed and his expression became impossible to read.
"Don't let outward appearances fool you, Janie. I'm the last person in the world who should be trusted with a wife and a child. I'm not even sure I should have a dog."
Horrified, she stared at him. "What do you mean by that?" she finally said.
He turned away and began folding the towel he'd used to dry the dishes. "I didn't mean anything. Forget it, Janie."
"How can I forget something like that?" she asked quietly. "You're doing a wonderful job with Rafael."
"I only meant that I wasn't cut out to be married, or have children. That's all." His back was stiff with tension, and he didn't turn around.
"How can you say that? You're exactly what Rafael needs. It's obvious that he's flourishing."
"Drop it, Janie. It's not something I want to discuss."
"I'm your wife, Ben. I told you my secrets. Don't you think I should know yours?" She held her breath, waiting for his answer.
Slowly he turned around. "Are you really my wife, Janie? In every sense of the word?" His eyes blazed with a sexual heat that scorched her.
But she refused to back down. "In the eyes of the world I am. And isn't that what counts? What am I supposed to say to the judge when he asks me a question I can't answer? 'I don't know those things about my husband, Your Honor. He didn't trust me enough to tell me.'"
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 8