She was just about to ask Ben what was going on when he stopped abruptly and held up his hand. She halted immediately and stood behind him, trying to breathe in slowly and carefully. After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled her gently down beneath a large mesquite bush next to the path.
"Stay here," he breathed in her ear. "I'll be right back."
He vanished again, this time silently. He was back by her side minutes later.
"It's all right," he said, his words still barely more than a breath of air next to her head. "He didn't move, so he either didn't hear us, or assumed it was an animal making the noise."
"You kicked those pebbles on purpose?" She gave him a confused look.
"I had to make sure he wasn't going to try and follow if we made any sounds. He's still in the same place, so we should be all right. In a few minutes, we're going to be out of his hearing range, anyway."
"Let's go, then." Panic rose in her at the thought of the murderer calmly waiting for them, a gun in his hand. She struggled to master it, to force it back into hiding deep inside her. When Ben pulled her close and gave her a deep, hard kiss, she leaned into him gratefully.
"I won't let you get hurt, Janie."
"I know." She believed him. The murderer was smart and clever, but she and Ben would outwit him. And they were on Ben's turf. "I'm not worried about that. I just don't want you to get hurt. He's already hurt too many people I care about."
His arms tightened around her almost painfully, then he set her aside. "He's not going to hurt me, or anyone else. In the morning we'll catch him, and it'll be over."
And then what? She ached to ask him, to find out what the future held for them, but knew it wasn't the time. Once they got past the murderer, they still had to get through Rafael's custody hearing. More than anything, she wanted them to be a real family. But was that what Ben wanted?
Ben moved silently on the path in front of her. She stared down, trying to see her way in the very faint light from the stars, but occasionally she would kick a pebble. The silence and her imagination made them sound like gunshots in the stillness, but Ben didn't seem to notice. He just kept moving toward the cliffs that rose darkly in front of them.
Every once in a while he would stop and set her down in a hidden niche in the rocks, or behind a tree. Then he would disappear for a while, only to return and take her hand to lead her on. She assumed he was checking to make sure no one had followed them, but she didn't ask. The less noise they made, the better.
Finally they reached the wall of cliffs that surrounded the lake. Ben hesitated, then he turned toward the lake. He must have felt her questions, though, because he stopped and pulled her close to whisper in her ear.
"There's more cover closer to the lake—more bushes and trees. And although I'm sure that's where he'll expect us to go, I'd rather take the chance and have the cover in the daylight."
"You're in charge," she said, and realized that she meant every word. She trusted him completely to make the right choices for them.
He gave her an odd look and let her go. "There isn't much of a trail here. Do you want to wait here while I find a cave? It'll be easier for you."
"I'd rather stay with you," she said immediately. "If I'm not going to slow you down."
"I'd rather have you with me," he said gruffly. "Let's go, then."
They moved through the maze of plants and trees, brushing close to the cliffs that towered about the lake. They made more noise now, but it couldn't be helped. There was no path along this side of the lake.
"Hold it," Ben said, and Janie stopped abruptly. "This looks promising."
He dropped his pack on the ground and pulled out a flashlight. "I'll be right back," he said.
Ben scaled the cliff almost effortlessly, and her stomach dipped and swayed uneasily as she watched him. Suddenly he disappeared. After a few minutes, he reappeared and slid down to her.
"There's a cave, and I think it will do." He shouldered the pack again. "It's not a hard climb. I'll stay behind you and tell you where to put your hands and feet."
Janie nodded, swallowing hard and trying to hide her shaking hands. "I can do this." She wanted to be Ben's partner, not a burden.
She hadn't mentioned her fear of heights to Ben. It hadn't been necessary up until now. She swallowed again and headed for the cliff, telling herself that all she had to do was not look down. She could do this.
"Put your hands here, and here." Ben pointed to two small crevices just over her head, and she slid her hands into them.
The rock was cold and crumbly beneath her fingers, and she felt her palms begin to sweat. Ignoring the voices in her head telling her to stop, she put her feet where Ben pointed and lifted herself into the air.
She took two more steps, then stopped and closed her eyes. The world spun dizzily around her, and greasy nausea roiled her stomach. She couldn't move another inch.
* * *
Chapter 13
«^»
"Keep going, Janie."
Ben's voice was filled with urgency, and she forced herself to open her eyes. "How much farther?"
Instead of answering, he moved closer. "What's wrong?" he said sharply.
"I should have told you before we started," she said swallowing. "I have this little problem with heights."
He went still for a moment, then touched her arm gently. "We're almost there. Do you want me to go ahead of you, or stay behind you?"
"I don't know." She heard the panic and desperation in her voice, and cursed her stupid weakness. "I thought I could do this."
"You can do this." His voice was calm and completely confident. "Move your left hand two inches higher."
She slowly let go of the rock, releasing the tight grip that cramped her fingers. The sharp edges of the cliff cut into her palm as she slid her hand higher. When she felt the next crack, she slid her fingers into it and held on tightly.
"Good. Now do the same with your right hand."
She repeated the agonizingly slow movement with her right hand, until she was securely holding the cliff again.
"Now you're going to move your feet." Ben shifted until he was slightly below her. "You won't slip, but if you do, I'll catch you. Now move your left foot higher."
As she eased her left foot out of its crevice, her stomach dipped and swooped. For a moment the world spun around her and she was certain she would fall. Then she felt Ben grasp her ankle and steer her foot to another toehold.
"Do the same with your other foot."
Once again, Ben guided her foot into another crevice, and she was a few inches higher on the cliff.
"You're doing fine, Janie."
She wasn't doing fine. She was endangering both of them, and she knew it. "How much farther?"
"Just a few more feet." He rested his hand on her leg, and she was absurdly grateful for the contact. "Look up to your left and you can see the opening."
A small black hole yawned in front of her, partially hidden by an outcropping of rocks. She forced herself to focus on the hole, rather than the ground below them. Staring at the spot, she fumbled for another fingerhold, then another. Suddenly she felt Ben's hand on her rear end, pushing her onto the ledge at the front of the cave.
In seconds Ben was beside her, folding her into his arms. "My God, Janie. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"It wasn't something that came up in conversation. And when you said we would find a cave, I didn't think you meant we would climb up to one."
"We're safer up here." He leaned away and looked at her face in the weak moonlight that was beginning to stream into the valley from behind the cliffs. "That was the bravest thing I've ever seen."
"That was the most stupid thing you've ever seen," she said wearily. "I froze out there on the cliff. If the man with the gun had seen us, I would have gotten both of us killed."
"But he didn't." Ben's voice was very quiet. "And you made it into the cave, in spite of your fear. You're safe now, Janie."
"Unt
il I have to climb down again in the morning," she said, keeping her voice light and trying to smile.
"We'll figure out something in the morning. Don't worry about it now. Let's get back into the cave."
Janie looked at the inky darkness behind them, a blackness so complete that nothing could penetrate it. "You're lucky I'm not afraid of the dark."
"The cave curves around, so we can turn the flashlight on for a little while, until we get settled. You didn't see any light when I was up here earlier, did you?"
"No. Did you have your flashlight on?"
"Once I got to the back of the cave, I turned it on to make sure the cave would be all right. We won't leave it on for long, but at least there'll be some light."
Janie crawled into the darkness, following Ben. In a few moments a dim light shimmered around her. The cave was too small to stand up, but it was wide enough that they would be able to lie down.
"Home sweet home," she said as she stopped next to Ben and looked around.
"At least for tonight." He aimed the flashlight at the walls and the ceiling, then at the floor. "I was worried that there would be animals or bats in here, but it looks clean."
"Nothing is going to surprise us during the night?"
"I don't think so."
He set the flashlight down on the floor and opened his backpack. "Here's an extra shirt for you." He tossed her a flannel shirt, and she pulled it around her shoulders gratefully. She had sweated as she struggled to climb the cliff, and now she was beginning to shiver. "I don't want to take your shirt," she said, looking over at him as she clutched the soft material close.
He gave her a quick smile. "I have another one. I always carry two of everything. People who get lost don't think to bring a jacket or a blanket with them."
He opened a small packet and unfolded a crinkly silver blanket. "You're shivering. Wrap this around yourself while I call Dev."
"This piece of plastic?" she said, taking the crinkly material.
"Believe me, it will warm you up quickly. It traps all your body heat. We'll be cozy tonight."
As he removed things from his pack, she wrapped the blanket around her. And sure enough, in just a few minutes she felt cocooned in warmth.
He moved to the cave opening, and in a moment she heard him talking in a low voice. Finally he returned.
"I told Dev what was going on, but he's going to wait until morning to come up here. All he'd be able to do tonight is to spook the guy. Your murderer will go into the mountains, and we'd have to wait for him to make the next move. Dev will be at the cabin at dawn with several deputies."
He set the phone on the floor of the cave and reached into his backpack.
"We'll have to eat our dinner cold tonight," he said, placing two packets on the ground. "I don't want to take a chance on building a fire."
"I'm not really hungry." Her stomach was still slightly queasy from the climb up the cliff.
"You need to eat." He opened a bottle of water and poured some into the packet. "Your stomach will feel better if it has something in it. And you'll be weak in the morning if you don't eat now."
He handed her the packet and a plastic spoon, and she looked at the label. Beef Stroganoff. She took a tentative bite and discovered that it wasn't as bad as she'd expected. When she took another bite, he nodded in approval as he prepared his own meal. "Good job."
His casual words of praise made her glow inside, and she ducked her head, afraid he would see the neediness in her eyes. She didn't want him to feel that he had to encourage and compliment her every step of the way. Ben had too many other things to worry about.
They finished the unappetizing meal quickly, then Ben placed the empty packets back in his pack. After drinking some water and eating a piece of chocolate, she leaned against the wall of the cave and watched as he spread another of the emergency blankets on the ground, then turned off the flashlight.
"If we share that blanket you're using, we'll have one for the floor, too. It's more efficient for us to keep each other warm."
She was more than happy to share her heat with him, and she scooted over until they were touching. She handed him the blanket, and he wrapped it around both of them. He pulled her against him, as if to shield her from the hard wall of the cave, and she curled around him with a sigh of comfort.
Ben sat in the darkness, holding Janie, trying to deny how right it felt. Even in the dank darkness of the cave her scent filled the air, stirring memories of their lovemaking.
It would never be enough. He'd thought that if they made love, just once, it would prove to him that he'd been lingering in a fantasy, his memory playing tricks with him.
But it had been no trick of his memory. Their lovemaking that afternoon had been more intense, sweeter, and more consuming than he'd remembered. He wanted to hold tight to Janie, to love her every night for the rest of his life.
Which was why he had to tell her the truth about himself. And there was no time like the present, he told himself grimly. They were trapped in this cave for the rest of the night.
"There's something I need to tell you, Janie," he said, and he felt her tense.
"What, Ben?" She lifted her head to look at him, and he saw the trust in her eyes. And something more, something he didn't want to face. He damned well better tell her now, he told himself harshly. He had to erase that look from her eyes before it was too late. The last thing he could allow himself to do was believe that anything was possible, that they had any kind of a future together.
"I have to tell you who I really am. There are things about me that no one knows. And as my wife, you have a right to know them."
Janie shifted and moved so she could look into his face. "There's nothing you have to tell me. I know all I need to know about you, Ben."
"No, you don't." He knew his voice was grim, but he didn't try to soften it. "I should have told you before we got married, but I was too afraid that you would change your mind. But now that we've…" He stared into the weak light of the flashlight as memories of their lovemaking speared into him. Her taste, the way she felt, the way she'd given herself to him all rose up inside him, crying at him to hold on to Janie as hard as he could. He pushed the longing away. "I should have told you before we made love."
He turned to face her, taking her arms as if he could hold her away from him. "I told you I'd been married before. What I didn't tell you is that I killed my wife."
He felt the shock ripple through her, saw the stunned look on her face. But she didn't move away from him. "What do you mean, you killed your wife?" she whispered.
"I didn't shoot her, or stab her or poison her. She was killed in a car accident. But it was my fault."
The stunned look faded from her eyes, replaced by a deep sympathy. "How can you blame yourself for a car accident?"
"We had a fight. She was upset. I got out of the car, and she sped off. An hour later the police were at my door, telling me there had been an accident." He took a deep, trembling breath. "She wasn't the only one in the car. The accident also killed my son."
She drew in a sharp breath. "Oh, Ben, I'm so sorry." Her hand tightened on his, and he twined his fingers with hers. "How did you manage to survive?"
"Barely." He held on to Janie as his gaze focused on the past. "His name was Robbie, and he was four years old. And if I hadn't lost my temper, he might be alive today."
"You can't do that to yourself, Ben. You don't know what might have been. You can't play God like that."
He tried to ignore her words. "I don't want absolution from you, Janie. I just want you to know everything about me."
"Why don't you tell me what happened?" she said in a low voice.
Her other hand settled on his chest, and he felt surrounded by warmth. He knew he should move away, but he couldn't force himself to do it.
He wanted to tell her, he realized. He wanted her to know the truth. All of it. So he took a deep breath.
"I grew up in Albuquerque and married Amber when we were
both too young. I was twenty-one, and she was nineteen. We were in lust and thought we knew what we wanted, but of course we didn't. For a while, everything was fine. We partied a lot, had a lot of fun and didn't think too much about tomorrow. But then Amber got pregnant."
He remembered the day she had told him the news. "She was scared and upset. She didn't want kids, at least not so soon. But I was thrilled. From the moment I knew, I really wanted that baby.
"Things were never the same after that. We still went out, but I insisted that we come home early so Amber could get her sleep. And I wouldn't let her drink. I read everything I could about pregnancy, and all the books said a pregnant woman shouldn't drink." He stared into the beam of the flashlight. "Maybe that's where I went wrong. Maybe I should have let her have a couple of beers, like she wanted."
"You did the right thing," Janie said fiercely. "Alcohol can really damage a developing baby, even just a couple of beers."
He held her hand more tightly, but he didn't look at her. "After Robbie was born, Amber changed. She got restless and moody. She didn't like being tied down to a baby who depended on her. I took care of Robbie when I was home, but I had to work during the day. We got through the first year, and things seemed to get better. Then she started to nag me about money.
"With a baby in the house, money was tight. Robbie needed formula, diapers, clothes, medicine, you name it. I didn't mind, but I guess Amber resented that, too. There wasn't enough money to go out and party the way we used to do. And to be honest, I didn't want to go out. I was happy to stay at home with the baby. But Amber thought we needed more money, so I got a second job. I was a social worker, so I took a job working at a nursing home at night. The money was good, but I didn't see much of Robbie. I told myself that I was doing it for him. If his mother was happy, he would be happy."
He swallowed and stared at the wall of the cave, trying to push away the memories that flooded him. But they wouldn't go back into their hiding places.
"What happened?" Janie whispered.
"Amber started drinking. Heavily. And I didn't realize it, because I was never home. When I was home, I was either sleeping or playing with Robbie. My relationship with Amber disintegrated. And it's my fault. I let it die."
THE MARRIAGE PROTECTION PROGRAM Page 16