Don't Panic

by Neil Gaiman

  4) Heading for a party to intercept the Krikkit Robots, Arthur is diverted and meets Agrajag, a creature he has inadvertently killed time and again through all of its incarnations. Not only does he kill Agrajag again but he also learns how to fly. He finally attends the party he, Ford and Slartibartfast were aiming for, is reunited not only with them but also Trillian and then narrowly escapes being killed not only by Krikkit Robots but also Thor, the God of Thunder.

  5) The Silastic Armourfiends and their supercomputer Hactar are mentioned. This is good as they will be ever so important come the next episode. Arthur, Ford, Slartibartfast and Trillian end up on Krikkit. As does Zaphod—who is less dead than one might expect. Zaphod hears the sound of Marvin on the Krikkit mothership. Marvin’s singing. You really had to be there.

  6) A plot by Hactar to destroy the universe using a supernova bomb is foiled. Twice. Our intrepid idiots meet Prak, a man who knows the location of God’s final message to His creation. He dies after telling them where it is.

  The Quandary Phase (Fourth Radio Series)

  1) Arthur returns to an Earth that shouldn’t be there but, due to the laws of a plural zone, is. He meets a rain god/lorry driver and falls in love with a girl called Fenchurch.

  Ford Prefect, noticing that his copy of the Guide is updating itself with information about Earth, decides to investigate.

  2) Arthur finds his cottage still intact and that he has been left a mysterious present: a goldfish bowl inscribed with the legend: “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish”. He meets Fenchurch again, loses her again and then stumbles upon her in London, her house located on the very spot the prehistoric cave he lived in used to stand.

  3) Arthur and Fenchurch go flying and meet Wonko the Sane, a man who knows about a lot of things. Especially dolphins.

  The Vogons discover that the Earth has returned. This doesn’t altogether meet with their approval.

  4) Arthur and Fenchurch meet up with Ford, who has stowed away aboard a spaceship currently panicking the authorities by parking itself in the middle of Knightsbridge. All three of them leave Earth on the ship and Arthur and Fenchurch go in search of God’s final message to His creation. They find it and, alongside it, Marvin. Marvin decides he’s actually quite happy about God’s message and promptly expires. Arthur and Fenchurch leave via a commercial freighter, whereupon Fenchurch disappears.

  The Quintessential Phase (Fifth Radio Series*)

  1) Arthur is an aimless wanderer in search of Fenchurch, the Earth and answers.

  On an alternate Earth an alternate Tricia McMillan comes to the attention of the Grebulons, a species of amnesiac aliens observing the Earth from the safety of Rupert, the planet on the furthest reaches of the solar system.

  Despite not being in the book, Zaphod sneaks into the Hitchhiker’s offices, on the hunt for Zarniwoop Vann Harl, the editor we’ve been pretending he didn’t meet in the second series but now realize he probably did.

  Ford—who is in the book—is also sneaking into the offices and comes face to face with Van Harl but not Zaphod. Yet.

  2) Arthur crashes on the planet Lamuella. Tricia McMillan goes with the Grebulons to Rupert. Ford meets Zaphod (who still isn’t in the book, but let’s not worry about it) in an artificial universe in Zarniwoop’s office and is warned of the plans to create a new trans-dimensional Guide. Ford gets made restaurant critic. Zarniwoop turns out to be a Vogon in disguise. Ford jumps out of a window. It’s all go isn’t it?

  3) Arthur has settled down on Lamuella, becoming the Sandwich Maker for his village, crafting lunches from Perfectly Normal Beast, Bison-like creatures that appear out of thin air once a year, stampede across a stretch of plain and then vanish again. This Not Very Normal life is disrupted by the arrival of Trillian delivering her and Arthur’s daughter, Random—produced via sperm donation rather than all that fun stuff.

  Ford escapes. Good for Ford. He steals a copy of the new Guide and posts it to himself care of Arthur on Lamuella.

  Random receives the parcel and runs off with it, experiences the new Guide in all its trans-dimensional, reality-folding glory and promptly makes it divert a ship to the planet so she can whack the pilot over the head and then fly off in it.

  The pilot turns out to be Ford. He and Arthur finish the episode rather cross to be down a ship and daughter respectively.

  4) Oh dear lord… Right… well… erm… lots of stuff happens and a happy ending is tagged on that wasn’t in the book because Douglas was feeling far too grumpy that year. You really should listen to it, it’s very good.

  The TV Series/Records

  Essentially the plot of the first six episodes; only instead of all the Haggunenon stuff, they have escaped in a stuntship belonging to the rock group Disaster Area (whose lead Ajuitarist Hotblack Desiato is no longer talking to his old friend Ford Prefect, because he is dead), which is going to be fired into the sun. They escape through a wonky transporter unit, operated by Marvin, sending Zaphod and Trillian heaven knows where and Ford and Arthur to the ‘B’ Ark. It was also established that the Mice were quite keen on slice-and-dicing Arthur’s brain to extract the Answer from it.

  The Books

  i) The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  In terms of plot, this resembles the first four radio episodes. At the end, however, Marvin depresses Shooty and Bang Bang’s ship to death, blowing up each of the cop’s life support units, and they leave Magrathea.

  ii) The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

  This starts off with Arthur trying to get a cup of tea from the Heart of Gold, tying up all its circuits as the Vogons attack (a bit like Episode Nine of the radio series). Zaphod’s great-grandfather transports Zaphod and Marvin to Ursa Minor Beta where events similar to Episode Seven of the radio series occur. Once more Zaphod is taken to Frogstar B, and fed into the Total Perspective Vortex. Once more he eats the cake. Then he discovers Zarniwoop and the spaceship (as in Episode Twelve). Then they visit the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, steal Hotblack Desiato’s ship (as in records/TV) and wind up in a predicament.

  From there, Ford and Arthur go to prehistoric Earth, while Trillian and Zaphod go to the Man in the Shack, this time abandoning Zarniwoop there. (Shoes and the Shoe Event Horizon, which merited rather more than an episode of the second radio series, get a paragraph in this book.)

  iii) Life, the Universe and Everything

  Ford and Arthur are rescued from two million years ago by a sofa which dumps them at Lord’s Cricket Ground a few days before the Earth was/is/will be destroyed. Trillian and Zaphod, on the Heart of Gold, sort of split up. Marvin has spent a long time in a swamp. There’s a plot about the robots of Krikkit, but I’m not giving anything away. There’s also a statue of Arthur Dent, but for a different reason from the radio series.

  Variations between the British and American editions include a certain amount of translation (‘lolly’ becomes ‘popsicle’), the respelling of a sound effect (‘wop!’ becomes ‘whop!’ throughout) and an extra 400 words are added to Chapter 21, adapted from radio Episode Ten, concerning ‘Belgium’ as a term of profanity. (The British edition just goes right ahead and uses the word ‘fuck’, thus avoiding the problem entirely.)

  iv) So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

  The Dolphins restore the Earth. Arthur Dent falls in love and discovers God’s final message to His creation.

  v) Mostly Harmless

  Arthur Dent loses both his planet and the woman he loves, and unexpectedly gains a daughter. And a new version of the Guide, which behaves in an altogether more mysterious and sinister manner, puts in an appearance.

  vi) And Another Thing…

  Sixth in the trilogy, written by Eoin Colfer to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the first book’s first publication. At the time of going to press the author hasn’t been able to get his hands on a copy but he is assured that it is Very Very Good. By the time THIS book comes out you may well have got YOUR hands on a copy and are now feeling you have one
up on me. But don’t forget that by then I will likely ALSO have got my hands on a copy so… This is silly, perhaps it’s just easier to meet for a pint and discuss it?

  vii) The Hitchhiker’s Trilogy

  American collection of the first three books (American editions). Contains ‘Introduction—a Guide to the Guide,’ Douglas’s essay on Hitchhiker’s origins, and the first few paragraphs of ‘How to Leave the Planet’.

  viii) The Compleat Hitchhiker

  This was what Pan called The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: A Trilogy in Four Parts when they were publishing it. Seeing as they never published it, or even came close, because the book went instead to Heinemann, Douglas’s new hardback publishers, this is positively the rarest Hitchhiker’s book available. If you have a copy, hold onto it, and auction it before returning to whichever parallel universe you bought it in.

  ix) The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: A Trilogy in Four Parts

  The same as the Hitchhiker’s Trilogy, only in English editions, and with an extra three lines of introduction and So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish added.

  x) The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide: Five Complete Novels and One Story Extra lovely, leatherbound edition of all five books plus the short story ‘Zaphod Plays it Safe’ printed originally in the Utterly Utterly Merry Christmas Comic Relief Book and later reproduced in The Salmon of Doubt. It was also made available as a slight less lovely paperback edition.

  The Expanded Books

  The Complete Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

  A collection of the first four books, for use on a Macintosh computer.

  * Yes, yes, he’s a robot so all of his legs are “false”. You know what I mean, so stop being so damned pedantic!

  * Though treated as separate series, both the Quandary and Quintessential Phases were broadcast back-to-back over one eight-week run.

  APPENDIX III

  WHO’S WHO IN THE GALAXY: SOME COMMENTS BY DOUGLAS ADAMS

  ARTHUR DENT

  “Arthur wasn’t based on Simon Jones. Simon is convinced I’ve said this at some point, whereas what I’ve said was very similar, which was that I wrote the part with him in mind. Which is a very different thing to say about an actor. I wrote the part for him, and I wrote the part with his voice in mind and with an idea of what he was strong on playing and so on. But there’s only the slightest echo of Simon himself in it. He isn’t based on Simon, but he is based on what I thought Simon’s strengths as an actor were, which is a very different thing. Nor, by the same token, is it autobiographical; having said that, Arthur Dent is not so remote from myself that it’s impossible to use things which have happened to me in writing about him.”

  DEEP THOUGHT

  “The name is a very obvious joke.”

  FENCHURCH

  “She isn’t based on any particular person, but on a number of different thoughts or observations of people or incidents. It was a bit of a parody of the Oscar Wilde thing in The Importance of Being Earnest—being found in a bag at the left luggage office at Victoria. When in fact it’s Paddington Station, where the ticket queues are always insane and you can’t understand why it happens like that every single day, why it isn’t sorted out. Paddington was the station I had in mind, but I couldn’t call her that, because there’s already a bear named Paddington after the station, so I just went through the various names of the London termini, and Fenchurch seemed a nice name. I just selected the one that seemed the most fun as a name. I don’t think it’s even a station I’ve ever been to. That was where that came from, it was just an idea I’d had floating around for a character, whereas I was also looking for a character who was going to be the girl who’d been in the café in Rickmansworth. I put the two things together. Then the whole thing of Arthur falling in love with her was sort of going very much into adolescent memories really.”

  FORD PREFECT

  “I remember the idea I had when I created Ford, which was that he is a reaction against Doctor Who, because Doctor Who is always rushing about saving people and planets and generally doing good works, so to speak; and I thought the keynote of the character of Ford Prefect was that given the choice between getting involved and saving the world from some disaster on the one hand, and on the other hand going to a party, he’d go to the party every time, assuming that the world, if it were worth anything, would take care of itself. So that was the departure point for Ford. He wasn’t based on any particular character but come to think of it, aspects of Ford’s later behaviour became more and more based on memories of Geoffrey McGivern’s more extreme behaviour in pubs.”

  HOTBLACK DESIATO

  “I had this appalling overblown rockstar character, and I couldn’t come up with a name for him. Then I saw an estate agent’s board up outside a house. Well, I nearly crashed my car with delight! I couldn’t get the name out of my mind. Eventually I phoned them up and said, ‘Can I use your name? I can’t come up with anything nearly as good!’ They said fine. It hasn’t done them any harm, except it’s terribly unfair, as people keep phoning them up and saying, ‘Come on, it’s a bit cheeky, nicking a name from Hitchhiker’s to call your estate agents by, isn’t it?’ And they were a bit upset, when I moved back to England, that I didn’t buy my house from them.”

  THE MAN IN THE SHACK

  “I suppose he came from a discussion I had with someone about this not entirely original observation that everyone’s experience of the world, on which we build this enormous edifice of what we consider the world is, of what we think the universe is, and our place in it, and how matter behaves, and everything, is actually a construct which we put on little electrical signals that we get. When you think of what we know about the universe, and the data we have to go on, it’s a pretty huge gap. Even the information we have is not only just what we happen to have been told but the interpretation that we have put on the little electrical signals which tell us that somebody’s told us this.

  “We really have nothing to go on at all. So that character was someone who took that observation to the ultimate extreme, which is that he would take absolutely nothing on trust at all. He wouldn’t accept anything as being proved or assumed, and therefore responds absolutely intuitively, if you like, thoughtlessly, to whatever happens. He makes everything up as he goes along. Because he makes no assumptions about anything he really is the best qualified person to rule, to exercise power, because he’s completely disinterested. On the other hand, that level of disinterest makes him completely unable to produce any rational or useful decisions whatsoever. As I say in the passage that introduces him, who can possibly rule if no one who wants to do it can be allowed to?”

  MARVIN

  “Marvin came from Andrew Marshall. He’s another comedy writer, and he is exactly like that. When I set out to write the character, I wanted to write a robot who was Andrew Marshall, and in the first draft I actually called the robot Marshall. It only got changed on the way to the studio because Geoffrey Perkins thought that the word Marshall suggested other things. Andrew was the sort of guy you are afraid to introduce to people in pubs because you know he’s going to be rude to them. His wife recognised him first time. He’s cheered up a lot recently.

  “But I said that on the radio once—that Marvin was Marshall, and my mother heard it. Next time I spoke to her she said, ‘Marvin isn’t Andrew Marshall—he’s Eeyore!’ I said ‘What?’ She said, ‘Marvin is just like Eeyore, go and look.’ So I did, and blow me! But literature is full of depressives. Marvin is simply the latest and most metal.

  “The other place that a lot of Marvin comes from is from me. I get awfully gloomy, and a lot of that comes out in Marvin. But I haven’t been that depressed in a year or so: I haven’t had one of these terrible depressions.

  “Curiously enough, I never had a very clear idea of what Marvin looked like, and I still don’t have one. I don’t think the TV one quite got it. I described him differently for the film script—he’s not silver any more, he’s the colour of a black Saab Tur
bo. He isn’t so square, either, he needs a kind of stooping quality: on the one hand, he’s been designed to be dynamic and streamlined and beautiful. But he holds himself the wrong way, so the design has gone completely to naught because he looks pathetic. Utterly pathetic. The patheticness comes from his attitude to himself rather than any inherent design. As far as his design is concerned he looks very sleek. A hi-tech robot.

  “People ask me what my favourite character is, to which the answer has usually been, after a long ‘Umm’ and a pause, ‘probably Marvin’. It’s not something I strongly feel.”

  Marvin was interviewed in the Sunday Times colour supplement in July 1981:

  Q: Would you like to be a human being?

  A: If I was a human being I’d be very depressed, but then I’m very depressed already, so it hardly matters. Sometimes I think it might be quite pleasant to be a chair.

  Q: How does it feel to have a brain the size of a planet?

  A: Ghastly, but only someone with a brain the size of a planet could hope to understand exactly how appalling it really is.

  Q: Why are you so miserable?

  A: I’ve been in precisely the same mood ever since I was switched on. It’s just the way my circuits are connected. Very badly.

  Q: Can you repair yourself?

  A: Why should I want to do that? I’d just as soon rust.

  Q: Do you like reading?

  A: I read everything there was to read on the day I was switched on.

  It was all so dull I don’t see any point in reading it again.

  Q: Music?

  A: Hate it.

  Q: Hobbies?

  A: Hating music.

  Q: What do you like the least?

  A: The entire multi-dimensional infinity of all creation. I don’t like that at all.

  OOLON COLLUPHID

  “See Yooden Vranx.”

  ROOSTA

  “The guy who played Roosta wasn’t very certain, what kind of person Roosta was meant to be, because I wasn’t either. It happens from time to time when you’re writing serially, when you introduce a character at the end of a show and you’re going to bring him back at the start of the next show and get him working properly, that you can leave a character dangling like that. You realise that you don’t need the character or it’s not the right character or whatever, but in the meantime you’ve already got the actor there, so have to have him do something.”