Keep Forever

by Alexa Kingaard

  “Lily, you awake? Can I come in? I need to say good night to my favorite daughter.”

  “Daddy, you can always come in and talk to me. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m your only daughter.” That was how their conversations always started, like a secret handshake. From the very beginning, Lily had been daddy’s little girl. She saw her father changing, but the one thing she could always count on was the unconditional love she sensed whenever he laid eyes on her.

  Paul perked up when he heard Lily’s voice. “Glad you made it home.” Unlike her mother, who always questioned, worried, wondered, and tried to fix everything, Paul’s expectations of people were different. He often reminded his children, “Let everyone steer their own ship, jump on board when asked, and get out of the way if they feel the need to sail solo.”

  Already scrunched up inside of her massive collection of soft, squishy pillows and stuffed animals that covered half the bed, Lily smiled and motioned for her father to come in. She moved over to make room for him and pulled her knees to her chin. Paul guided himself to the only available space that was left and talked about his day, the characters on TV that had become his friends, and the upcoming summer concerts at the Sports Arena.

  “Been to any good concerts lately?” Paul had mastered the art of light conversation, but at the right moment, he knew how to address the real issues and concerns. He felt when someone was hurting, his own battle scars sticking to him like double-sided tape. Medications made him groggy, inactive, and overweight, but it never stopped him from being right there when someone needed him most.

  Elizabeth often told her children their father was like a big heart with feet. Moving back and forth between rooms, never a harsh word or criticism for anyone. If toast was burned, meat unseasoned, or salad wilted, he would still tell her, “Best dinner ever,” every time. The image of simple, pure, honest, and caring love is what carried Elizabeth through the hardest times when she saw her Paul, no longer the robust, young Marine she had met as a teenager, slip farther and farther away.

  Lily saw her father nod off, fighting to keep his eyes open, and she threw her arms around him like she always did.

  “Don’t be so hard on your mom. She has her hands full with me, you, her job, the house. I wish I could help more. I wish I wasn’t so weak.”

  “You’re not weak, Daddy. You’re the strongest person I know.” Lily smiled as she ushered him from her room. “Good night, Daddy. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Paul returned her smile. “Scrambled eggs and Wonder Bread toast for breakfast tomorrow. Glad you’re home safe, sweet Lily.” He closed the door behind him, worked his way to the living room and his comfortable, worn recliner. Late-night TV beckoned.

  Chapter 32

  Elizabeth missed their son as much, maybe more, than Paul did, but between his studies, volunteering for a variety of social causes, and juggling a relationship with Julia, it was hard for him to make it home as often as he’d promised.

  “Do you think Rex and Julia will be here for Easter?” Lily had made it as far as the kitchen door, a scowl still imprinted on her face with an impudent tone to match. “Where is that rat of a brother? He doesn’t have much time for us anymore.” Lily was irritated with everyone but her father. She turned on her heels and rushed back to the familiar refuge of her bedroom, making sure her parents heard the disappointment in her voice.

  Elizabeth joined Paul in the living room where he was balancing a cup of coffee on his leg and wrestling with a tightly sealed bottle of medication. It made Elizabeth nervous to watch this ritual every morning, as Paul opened a variety of prescription pills, ranging from blood pressure medicine to anti-depressants and multi-vitamins.

  “I’m wobbly today,” Paul muttered as he sprung open the new bottle. Sixty more tablets waiting to be dispensed in a one-month period of time. He handed the bottle to Elizabeth without letting his coffee slip from its perch, “Could you please count me out two pills? I’m afraid I might spill them.”

  Elizabeth obliged, but noticed how shaky he was. “Let’s make an appointment with Dr. Worthington,” she suggested. “You seem to be juggling too many medications. Maybe he can cut back on the dosage. You’re not eating properly or getting enough sleep, and you’re staying up all night. I’m worried about you, Paul.”

  Her face was etched with apprehension as she watched Paul try to lift himself from a sitting position. She offered her hand. He waved her back.

  “I can do this. Move.” Paul’s voice cracked as he spoke and struggled to find his balance.

  She watched intently as he tried to get out of the chair, but somehow couldn’t find the strength to budge. Every movement was becoming an extraordinary effort. Every day, Paul took his medication, made fast friends with the characters on his favorite TV shows, waved Elizabeth off to work and Lily off to school, and waited for their return. Most days it looked like he hadn’t moved from his chair, but if there were dishes in the sink, an empty plate on the side table, or a wet towel on the bathroom floor, Elizabeth knew he had made an attempt to eat, shower, and get dressed.

  “There has to be more than this. Paul, I’m calling the doctor today to make an appointment. We’ll go see him together.” Paul gathered the strength to nod in agreement and glanced briefly at Elizabeth. In that one moment, when their eyes locked, Elizabeth saw a faint spark that reminded her of the man she’d married, her courageous, yet sensitive man, hidden behind a self-imposed mask of a beard and hair that had grown to his shoulders. In that moment she thought, I see him. He’s in there . . . somewhere.

  )

  “Hi Rex, we hope you and Julia can join us Sunday for Easter dinner. We miss you, Son. I know you are busy, but we all want to see you. Call me as soon as you get this message. Love you.” Elizabeth hung up the phone and hoped she was brief enough and to the point. Too long and she knew Rex would hit the fast-forward button or delete it without listening to the entire message. Waiting to hear back from Rex was the hard part. When the phone rang twenty minutes later, she was surprised to hear from him so quickly.

  “Hey, Mama, what’s up? Got your message in between classes.”

  Relieved he’d called back, Elizabeth rambled about getting everyone together Easter Sunday, how she would make plenty so there would be leftovers for Julia and him, and how the weather was supposed to be absolutely perfect for enjoying the day in the backyard and spending time with each other. “Will you be able to come on Sunday, around eleven?”

  “Of course. Anything we can bring? Can you make strawberry shortcake for dessert?” Rex was straightforward, no long, drawn-out conversations or rhetoric. He said what needed to be said, and, unless he was unleashing an opinion on a current event or dissecting a political decision, he was all action and very few words. If he said something, he meant it. If he accepted an invitation, he would be there. If you needed his help, he would have your back. Elizabeth smiled and knew the whole mood of the house would change with Rex’s visit.

  “Just bring yourselves. See you Sunday.”

  Elizabeth tapped on Lily’s door. “Come in.” The tone of her voice hadn’t changed. She sounded irritated and depressed.

  “Wanted to let you know Rex and Julia will be joining us on Sunday for Easter dinner. Is there anything special you’d like me to make?”

  Lily didn’t raise her head or bother turning down the volume of the radio. “God, I can’t wait to see him. It’s been so depressing around here. This is good, Mama, this is really good. I don’t need anything special. It makes me happy he and Julia will be here.”

  Elizabeth turned and closed the door behind her. She felt that long-forgotten feeling of joy, of looking forward to something special, pleasant, and too long coming. She made her way back to the living room and touched Paul’s shoulder. “Easter Sunday’s all set. Rex and Julia will be here at eleven.” Elizabeth beamed. Paul looked up from his chair and grinned. The pall lifted from the room, if only for a brief moment.

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nbsp; Chapter 33

  Lily’s junior year saw varying degrees of failures and successes. No one, including Lily, felt good about her grades as they faltered in unison with her father’s declining health. She immersed herself in art and design, and her talent for both was evident, as she easily took first place in the annual school art show. She struggled with math and science, letting her grades slip, turning in projects late or not at all, and spending less and less time with her friends. The push to make it into college was daunting, and her lack of enthusiasm disheartened her parents. No amount of encouragement seemed to change Lily’s attitude or desire to get back on track. And Elizabeth was only too aware that the time she spent with Paul was time not spent with her daughter.

  “I have an idea, Paul. I think it would be good for Lily to have a change of scenery, I was wondering if you’d agree to send her to Massachusetts for the summer to stay with Sam and Linda.”

  “It sounds like a good idea, but she might accuse us of sending her away or shipping her off. Let’s see what she thinks, so don’t call Sam until we know how Lily feels about it. She’s only been out of school a week and she may want to spend the summer at the beach with her friends.” Paul was never one to make quick decisions, but this was one Elizabeth would make sure he addressed sooner than later.

  )

  “Couldn’t sleep. Thought about it all night.” Paul reached for a piece of Wonder Bread toast, and fumbled for the butter. Lily was still in bed and Paul was restless at the breakfast table. He addressed Elizabeth, resuming the conversation from the previous evening. “I hate to see her go, but I’ll agree if, and only if, she wants to spend the summer with her aunt, uncle, and cousins. I know my condition makes her angry, makes you angry too. I don’t do this on purpose, Elizabeth. I wish I could’ve been a better husband, father, provider—”

  Elizabeth stopped him. “Don’t say that! You bring the humor and music and understanding, and so much love. There’s no one else in the world I would rather have for my husband or to be the father of our children. You are perfect, just the way you are. Don’t ever talk like this again . . . please . . . we love you.”

  Paul managed to compose himself as their moody teenaged daughter dragged herself to the breakfast table. “I overheard part of your conversation. You guys talking about me?”

  “As a matter of fact, we were.” Elizabeth motioned for Lily to take a seat and Paul pulled out the chair closest to him. It was Paul who spoke first, which was a relief to Elizabeth. Too often she was both mother and father, and a shift in Lily’s summer plans as abrupt as this might upset everyone.

  Paul chose his words carefully. “We thought you might like to get out of here for a few months. Maybe spend the summer with your Uncle Sam and Aunt Linda before you head back to your senior year in September.”

  Paul didn’t add another word. Instead he waited for Lily’s reaction to his comment. He was good like that. He never pushed an idea on anyone. He spoke and then listened. Elizabeth had never known a grown person who was as sensitive to his surroundings or the people who shared his heart. She had never seen him raise his voice to anyone and no one ever raised their voice to him. For all his agitation, there was a calm, inner strength and peace, and he consistently said the right thing. Elizabeth knew he was the right one to speak to Lily, and she was grateful when he did so without having to be asked.

  Lily rolled her eyes and glanced at Elizabeth. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with Dad?” She looked at her father. “Are you okay? You don’t have some terrible illness, do you, and want me out of here so you don’t have to tell me? Right?” She needed to quiet her heart before she agreed to leave for the summer.

  “Nope. Nothing to worry about. Just want you to have a good summer. Your Mom and I’ll be here cleaning up some of this mess, so when you get back, everything will be clean and buffed out.”

  Elizabeth kept her thoughts to herself as she listened to the conversation, but knew deep down, the house would look the same upon Lily’s return. If only, she thought, if only . . .

  Chapter 34

  “Mama, we’re going to be late. What’s taking Dad so long to get ready? I’m gonna miss the plane.”

  “You’re not going to miss the plane, Lily.”

  “At this rate, I will. It leaves at eleven, and it’s already nine thirty. On a good day, it’s a thirty-minute drive, and I still have to check my bags and get my boarding pass at the counter. You know how long the lines can be.”

  Elizabeth could see her daughter getting more and more restless. Her bags were already in the trunk, and Elizabeth sensed Lily was about to cry. “You’re not going to miss your flight. I told your dad it leaves at eleven. It actually leaves at noon.” She gave Lily a hug and hoped it would make her feel better, less nervous. Instead, Lily glared at her mother.

  “I wish you would have told me instead of making me sweat it out.”

  “I thought it best to keep it to myself so your dad would hurry up. Why don’t you go see how close he is to being ready? We should get out of here soon in case there is a lot of traffic.”

  Lily knocked on her parents’ bedroom door, somewhat annoyed. “Dad, we’re ready to leave. I don’t want to miss my flight. Are you almost ready?”

  Paul opened the door enough to poke his head out, careful not to let Lily peer inside. He couldn’t recall the exact day it happened, but at some point, he told the children they were not to go into the bedroom. Elizabeth was allowed, simply because there was no place else for her to sleep. She found it hard to enter, even though it was the bedroom she and Paul had shared for so many years. Stacks of papers along with full and empty boxes concealing every wall, and mounds of clothes in every corner made it uncomfortable for her to spend any time in there. The bed was the only spot left uncluttered, and all she could do was hope sleep would come quickly every night so she wouldn’t have to think about the debris that surrounded her. Paul hardly ever came to bed anymore, choosing instead to catch whatever sleep he could in his lounge chair, preferring the company of late-night TV to hers.

  “Here I come, Lily. Tell your mother to get in the car. I’ll be there in one more minute.”

  “Okay, Dad, but please hurry.”

  The door opened, and Paul emerged with his duffle bag and cane in one hand, tennis shoes in the other. Lily wondered if they would ever leave the house.

  “I’ll put my shoes on in the car. Let’s go.”

  “I’ll help you, Dad,” she said, taking his hand in hers, careful not to tug too hard as they rushed out the door.

  She was much less patient once they hit Interstate 5 heading south. “I told you there would be traffic.”

  “Lily, calm down. The traffic’s going in the opposite direction and we’re almost there. Maybe there was an accident or something.”

  “What time does her plane leave?” Paul asked, looking at his watch. A tennis shoe on one foot, and struggling with the other, he worked to maneuver himself between the seat and the dashboard, while still keeping his seat belt buckled. There was little room for him to manage and it was hard to watch. Lily and Elizabeth observed in silence as Paul planted his feet on the floor, shoes on each foot, just as they approached the airport parking lot.

  “Noon.” Checking her rear-view mirror, she could see Lily’s relief and caught the slightest of smiles emerge on her daughter’s beautiful face.

  The airport was bustling with summer travelers, as many leaving as arriving, and the parking lot appeared almost full. Elizabeth let Paul and Lily out at the curb. It seemed much easier to find a parking space on her own and run if she had to, knowing a long walk to the terminal would tire Paul before they made it to the ticket counter. Keeping everyone moving and calm was the best she could do. When she found an empty space at the farthest corner of the lot, she grabbed her keys and purse, and sprinted to meet them inside the terminal.

  “I can do the rest of this myself, you know. You guys didn’t have to come to the gate
. You could’ve left me at the curb. It would’ve been all right.” Lily muttered under her breath, “It would’ve been so much easier.”

  “Now we’ll have a few minutes left to talk. I want to be there when you take off,” said Paul. Lily didn’t respond, but leaned over and gave her father a big hug. Elizabeth was wistful, watching the scene between father and daughter, and wished she and Lily had the same loving relationship. Her thoughts were interrupted when Lily blew her a kiss, and Elizabeth returned the gesture with a slight smile, glowing from the inside, happy to be recognized with a sign of affection from her daughter. The trio worked their way to the ticket counter, up the escalator, and to the gate. From the loudspeaker, they heard, “Attention, passengers. Flight three-twenty-one, leaving from gate fifty-four, with service from San Diego to Boston has been delayed. Your new departure time is twelve forty-five p.m. We are sorry for any inconvenience.”

  Paul looked at his watch. It was eleven-thirty. “I’m so glad we stayed, Lily.”

  “Me too. I’m glad you’re both here.”

  )

  Traffic was building northbound as Elizabeth managed to merge from the crowded onramp. “There must’ve been an accident.”

  “I didn’t see anything on the way down, but you’re probably right. Let’s take the coast highway instead. I miss the beach.” Paul tugged at his unruly beard and pushed his shoulder-length hair away from his face. They can’t be comfortable with me in public. My family must think I don’t care, that I’m just a bum, he thought to himself. “I’m going to miss Lily.” Paul said out loud.

  “I will too, but I think this trip will be good for her. She needs to take a deep breath before starting her senior year. Maybe we can do a little housekeeping while she’s away. It would be a fresh start for everyone come fall.”