The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

by Robert G. Barrett

  ‘You low life sonofabitch,’ said Lee Britt. ‘You’re really getting a kick out of this, aren’t you?’

  Milne thought a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘You’re right. I can’t wait to see the photos.’

  ‘You fucking pig,’ hissed De Andrade, more concerned about having to dig a hole in the rocky ground than the demise of Agent Taggart. ‘Now what are we going to do with the body?’

  Milne motioned towards the water. ‘Say your last farewells and give him to the sharks.’

  ‘What?’ howled Lee Britt. ‘You callous bastard.’

  ‘All right. Please yourself what you do with him,’ said Milne. ‘Eat him if you like. I don’t give a fuck. But you want to make up your mind. This time tomorrow he’ll be riper than a box of figs.’

  ‘You asshole,’ said Lee Britt.

  ‘Fuck you,’ added De Andrade.

  Milne shook his head in disgust. ‘Well. I tried to be nice. But if that’s all you’ve got to say, I’m out of here. Goodbye.’ He turned to Brian. ‘Come on, Takatau. Let’s hit the toe. I know when I’m not wanted.’ With Brian in step, Milne started to walk off. He suddenly stopped and turned for one last shot. ‘Oh. Don’t forget to watch the news.’

  They strode back to the boat and climbed on board. Before they sat down, Brian pointed an accusing finger at Milne. ‘Well, that was a fuckin good one, Ron. The old bullet-jammed-in-the-breach trick. Thanks a lot.’

  ‘Hey. Look at this.’ Milne took his pistol out of its holster and showed Brian. There was a bullet jammed in the auto-eject. ‘The fuckin thing did jam. It’s not the gun. It’s a dud bullet. I forgot there was a few in one of the boxes.’

  Brian shook his head then sat down with the Dux over his knees. ‘Yeah. If you say so.’

  ‘Mate. It’s the truth,’ swore Milne, putting his gun back. ‘Anyway, we’ll talk about that, and a few other things, after the ceremony.’ Milne sat down and started the motor. ‘Have a look at my fuckin uniform,’ he cursed. ‘That bloody French moll’s lucky my gun jammed or I’d have put a couple in her myself.’

  Milne took the boat away from the beach and they headed back to the mainland. Brian stared ahead at the water. But all he could see was Taggart lying on the ground in a pool of blood with his chest torn apart. They pulled up at the marina where Ohlo was waiting to tie the boat up. As they got out, he noticed the looks on their faces, and the mess all over the President’s clean uniform.

  ‘Is everything all right, Sawi?’ he asked.

  ‘Yeah everything’s fine, Ohlo,’ Milne replied brusquely. ‘Except I just wore a mug of hot fuckin coffee. And make a note. You’ll only need enough food on the island for two people now. Agent Taggart is no longer with us.’

  ‘He isn’t?’ said Ohlo.

  ‘No. Takatau just shot him.’

  Ohlo turned to Brian. ‘What?’

  Brian handed Ohlo the sub-machine gun. ‘Would you mind taking care of this please, Ohlo.’

  ‘Certainly, Takatau,’ replied Ohlo, slinging the Dux over his shoulder.

  ‘Come on,’ said Milne. ‘Everybody’s up on the jetty. Let’s get this over and done with.’

  They walked up to the jetty. The three chiefs were there, along with the military, who were marshalled into three groups of four: army, navy and air force. All carrying Dux sub-machine guns. Sohte was standing at the front giving the orders. He saw the others approaching and stiffened.

  ‘Atten — shun,’ he called out.

  The men all came to attention. Their faces and hands were still covered in grease and dirt from working on the conveyor-belt, but their caps and uniforms were spotless. Ohlo stood alongside Sohte and came to attention. Milne moved in between them and the soldiers and snapped off a salute. Brian stood to one side near the chiefs feeling a little awkward, and noticed everyone checking out Milne’s uniform. Milne turned to the Key Bar and whistled. A few seconds later all the women hurried out and stood at the rear of the jetty. Milne turned and addressed the soldiers. By his body language, Brian got the impression Milne would have been lot happier if he didn’t look like such a dill with coffee stains all over him.

  ‘All right, men,’ he started. ‘At ease.’ The soldiers promptly stood at ease. ‘Now we all know why we’re here. Takatau is to get his wings and he is now an officer in the Lan Laroi Special Air Service. Wing Commander. You may think this strange when you do not see Takatau flying the seaplane. But soon you will understand. Tonight, Sawi will send a special message to his people on TV. Now I am going to give Takatau his wings. Takatau.’ Milne indicated for Brian to come forward. Brian stepped in front of Milne while Chief Namalek handed Milne a small black case. Milne opened it and took out a pair of tiny silver wings. Brian stood at attention, Milne pinned the wings on Brian’s chest, shook Brian’s hand and saluted. Brian returned the salute. ‘Now salute the men, Brian.’ Brian turned around and saluted the soldiers. They all snapped a salute back, including Ohlo and Sohte. The women clapped. Some took photos then the soldiers raised their guns and fired a volley of shots. The noise rattled across the harbour putting any seabirds to flight, then the men put their guns down.

  Milne turned to the crowd. ‘Okay. That’s it. Drinks and food for an hour in the Key Bar. Then back to work. All right, Ohlo. Dismiss the men.’ Ohlo dismissed the soldiers, and everybody drifted off towards the club.

  ‘That’s it?’ Brian asked Milne.

  ‘Yeah. That’s it,’ said Milne. ‘Short and sweet. Besides I felt like a nice wally standing in front of everyone with coffee all over me.’

  ‘You do look a bit of a grub,’ agreed Brian. ‘So, are you coming over for a drink?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Milne starting towards the bar. ‘We’ll grab a beer and take it up to the conference room. I want to have a talk to you.’

  ‘Good. I got a couple of things on my mind also.’ Brian fell in alongside Milne and they joined the others in the club.

  Milne went to the bar while Brian waited near a table full of dips and fish fingers. The soldiers and some of the women came over and shook Brian’s hand, then continued talking amongst themselves, the soldiers giving Brian a few surreptitious looks; thanks to Ohlo, they all knew what had happened on the island. Keleu came over and kissed Brian on the cheek.

  ‘Congratulations, Brian,’ she said sincerely. ‘Your silver wings look beautiful.’

  ‘Thanks, Keleu,’ said Brian. ‘That’s really … lovely of you.’

  The little island girl studied Brian for a moment. ‘Is everything all right, Brian? You look concerned.’

  Brian looked at her for a moment. ‘Something bad happened on the island today, Keleu.’ He spotted Milne stopping to talk to one of the soldiers as the President came back with the beers. ‘I have to go and talk to Sawi for a while. I’ll tell you about it later.’

  ‘Very well. We are not staying here very long. We have things to do in the office all afternoon.’

  ‘If I miss you, I’ll call around to the house tonight about eight. Is that all right?’

  ‘Yes,’ smiled Keleu. ‘Of course.’

  Brian returned her smile. ‘It was nice down the beach this morning.’

  ‘Yes. It was lovely. And you are very good on your surfboard, too.’

  Milne arrived and handed Brian a beer. ‘I have to drag Takatau away for a while, Keleu,’ he said to her.

  Keleu bowed her head. ‘I understand, Sawi.’ She kissed Brian on the cheek again. ‘I will see you tonight, Brian.’

  Brian winked and kissed her back. ‘See you tonight, Keleu.’

  ‘You right, mate?’ said Milne.

  ‘Yeah. Let’s go.’

  Brian followed Milne out the front then into the PP and up the stairs. Milne opened the door to the conference room then stepped inside and turned on the lights and the fans. He motioned for Brian to sit at the far end of the table then sat down opposite. Milne looked at Brian for a moment before giving Brian a short smile.

  ‘Righto, Brian’ said Milne. ‘You go first
.’

  Brian stared hard at Milne. ‘I just killed a bloke today, Ron.’

  ‘That’s right,’ nodded Milne. ‘Like a lot of other people in the world have done.’

  ‘But I’ve never even dreamed of doing anything like that. And he was unarmed.’

  ‘He wouldn’t have been if he’d taken your gun off you.’

  Brian took a breath. ‘I suppose that’s one way of looking at it.’ He stared at Milne. ‘Did you set that up, Ron? Tell me the truth.’

  ‘No,’ Milne shook his head. ‘The bullet was a dud.’ He looked at Brian for a moment. ‘But I’ll be honest, I was hoping something might have happened out there.’

  ‘You were? Why?’

  ‘I wanted to see you kill someone.’

  ‘You what?’ said Brian

  Milne took a pensive mouthful of beer. ‘After you shot down those two planes over Russia yesterday, when we came back to the temple you said at least the pilots got away safely.’

  ‘That’s right,’ nodded Brian. ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  Milne shook his head and smiled slightly. ‘Brian. Starting tomorrow,’ he said carefully, ‘there’ll be no pilots getting away safely. Hundreds, probably thousands of people are going to be killed. You saw what AMI did to an iceberg. Imagine what she’ll do to an aircraft-carrier. Or a battleship, or a destroyer.’

  Brian looked a little dazed. ‘I …’

  ‘Forget playing pass the parcel with any jet fighters. You’ll be shooting them straight out of the sky.’ Milne looked directly into Brian’s eyes. ‘Mate. The fun and games are over. Tomorrow morning we’re at war.’

  ‘War?’ said Brian.

  ‘That’s right, Takatau. War. Against the Americans and the French. And that’s just for starters.’

  ‘Shit!’

  ‘Exactly, Brian. Shit. A tonne of it’s going to hit one dirty big fan. Remember I said I had a plan? Well, this is it.’ Milne stood up and walked over to where the map of the world was fixed to the wall. He pointed to Micronesia with the neck of his beer bottle. ‘This is us. Lan Laroi. Right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ nodded Brian.

  ‘This afternoon I’ll video my speech. Tomorrow morning I’ll send it to Clooney. And about fifteen minutes after he gets it, we hit here. Guam.’

  ‘Guam?’

  Milne nodded. ‘The Yanks have got three airfields there and a naval base. We’ll send them arse up. Then piss off over to Hawaii and flatten Pearl Harbor and the military airfields.’ Milne tapped the map with his beer bottle. ‘Anything sitting in the water that’s grey, we sink. Anything sitting on an airfield, we blow to the shithouse.’

  ‘Bloody hell!’ said Brian.

  ‘When we’re finished there,’ continued Milne, ‘it’s over to French Polynesia and knock off the French fleet. Then we scoot over to France and blow up any naval dockyards or air bases we can find around Le Havre and Marseilles. When we’re finished with the Frogs, we fly across the channel to England, scoot up the Thames and send their brand new MI6 headquarters to the cleaners.’

  ‘The Poms?’ said Brian. ‘Shit, Ron! You’re talking World War Three now.’

  ‘Maybe,’ shrugged Milne. ‘But they’re part of NATO. This’ll let them know what to expect if they put their heads in.’

  ‘You’re not fucking around, are you, Ron?’ said Brian.

  Milne winked. ‘I’ve been planning this for a while, mate. I’ll teach Clooney to fuck up my island and my people for nothing. Bad luck a lot of his military personnel are going to get killed. But that’s what they joined up for.’

  ‘But what about retaliation, Ron? What about MAD — Mutually Assured Destruction? What happens when Clooney decides to,’ Brian did a rough imitation of President Clooney, ‘nuke our goddamn asses?’

  Milne shook his head. ‘They won’t use nuclear weapons. They’d make half the Pacific radioactive. And not against a little island like this.’

  ‘Yeah. Maybe,’ said Brian.

  ‘Even if they do, it won’t make any difference.’ Milne took a very casual sip of beer. ‘The island’s got a force field.’

  ‘A force field?’

  Milne gave Brian a wink. ‘Mate. The ancients thought of everything. Tomorrow morning I’ll stick another crystal in a slot at the temple and there’s a five-kilometre force field round the island. Nothing can get through. Any rockets or ICBMs, it’ll throw their guidance systems out up to a hundred kilometres away. Bombs or bullets will bounce straight off.’ Milne smiled confidently. ‘We sit here snug as a bug in a rug. And come and go as we please.’

  ‘Well, I’ll be buggered,’ said Brian.

  ‘The increase in the magnetic field will play up with the natives and make them tired for a while. So they won’t feel like doing anything,’ said Milne, returning to the table and taking his seat. ‘But they don’t do a real lot at the best of times. Bless their little Indian hearts and souls.’

  Brian shook his head. ‘Force fields. AMI. MeG 21s. Mass destruction.’ He touched the little silver wings on his uniform. ‘Still. I suppose that’s what I joined up for.’

  Milne smiled at Brian. ‘I told you I’d make you earn your money,’ he said. ‘But don’t worry, Brian. The war won’t last long before the allies sue for peace.’ Milne shrugged. ‘If they don’t, I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.’

  ‘Don Corleone Sawi,’ Brian smiled back.

  ‘And when it’s all finished, I’ll see that you get a nice big swag of money for your trouble.’

  ‘It’s funny,’ said Brian. ‘I was thinking of writing a book when this is all over.’

  ‘Not a bad idea,’ said Milne. ‘Which brings me to the second part of my plan.’

  ‘There’s a second part?’ said Brian.

  Milne leant across the table. ‘Brian,’ he said. ‘I don’t think it’s in either of our interests for the world to know we’ve killed thousands of people and we’ve got access to some new wonder weapons.’

  ‘Yeah. You’re right,’ said Brian. ‘That’s a thought.’

  Milne nodded sagely. ‘You wouldn’t be safe anywhere in the world. Some nut would want to kill you. Or some government agency would try to kidnap you and torture the secrets out of you. And I’d have mercenaries and pricks coming out to the island one after the other. Driving me fuckin mad.’

  ‘Shit! That is a thought,’ repeated Brian, ‘In fact, it’s a bit of worry, to be honest.’

  ‘Yes. It is,’ said Milne. He then gestured with his hands. ‘But we can still get away with it. We just don’t let the world know it was us. We let them think it was somebody else blew the shit out of everything.’

  ‘Let them think it was somebody else?’ said Brian. ‘How? We’re the only fuckin players in the game.’

  Milne rubbed his hands together. ‘Did you notice on the discs, how you can see inside the cabin sometimes?’

  ‘Yeah,’ nodded Brian. ‘Especially when you get a reflection off the ocean.’

  ‘And remember when I sent that message to Clooney, I mentioned the island’s allies?’

  ‘Yes. Actually I was a little curious about that,’ said Brian.

  ‘Okay,’ smiled Milne. ‘Meet our allies.’ Milne picked up a plastic bag from the seat next to him, put it on the table and took out two masks made from padded stretch lycra. They were silver with big, black almond-shaped eyes, a tiny pug nose, a tiny mouth and a pointy chin. Milne handed one to Brian. ‘Put it on,’ he said, slipping the other one over his own head.

  Brian put the mask on. Although the top was padded, it wasn’t uncomfortable and you could see easily through the eyes and breathe through the mouth part. Brian stared at Milne and the President looked exactly like the alien on the poster behind the bar in the nightclub.

  ‘What in the fuck are you going to do with these?’ said Brian. ‘We look ridiculous.’ Brian started to take his mask off.

  Milne took his off and grinned at Brian. ‘When shots of us appear on TV and all that, I’m going to tell the world
these are my allies. And that’s who’s flying the UFOs. They live inside the moon and they’ve got a spiritual, cosmic connection with the island going back thousands of years through the ruins. I’m merely their spokesperson. And you were just an innocent bystander who happened to be here when the war started.’ Milne gestured again. ‘You can still write your book. Just say the aliens did it. You’ll sell squillions. I’ll have my island in peace. And we both walk away laughing.’

  Brian looked at the two masks sitting on the table and shook his head. ‘Ron,’ he said. ‘I don’t believe this.’

  ‘Mate,’ answered Milne sincerely. ‘What’s not to believe? There’s that many New Age freaks and ratbags out there reckon they’ve seen flying saucers. And been abducted by little green men. They’ll welcome the idea. The allies will cop it. They’ll cop anything to stop getting the shit blown out of them and have an excuse why all their billions of dollars’ worth of weapons technology didn’t work. I’ll sign an armistice agreement on behalf of the aliens. The aliens will supposedly fly back to the moon leaving a message, “Behave. Start taking care of the planet. Or we’ll be back. And get the fuck out of Lan Laroi”.’ Milne gestured again. ‘Now tell me why that wouldn’t work?’

  Brian stared at Milne, as if Brian was walking along a lake and Milne was the Loch Ness monster suddenly appearing. Not frightening, just wonderfully astonishing. Discovering something was real all the time. And in a weird, paradoxical, metaphysical, magnetic levitational way. This equated with Milne’s plan. Although it was all totally absurd. And could be shot completely full of holes. It could work. The Loch Ness Monster on Milne’s island could be real. Added to this was the prophecy about the silver circles. Everything was all too unbelievable not to be believable.

  Brian threw his hands up in the air. ‘Okay. Let’s do it, Ron. You and me. And World War Three.’

  ‘And a frolic in the sea,’ laughed Milne. ‘Mate. We’ll hit them that fast. We’ll be back in time for the late at Windmills, dinner with Lengi, and hot ones and cool ones at the Key Bar afterwards. And,’ Milne wiggled his eyebrows, ‘tomorrow’s just a taste of what they’re going to cop.’