The Ultimate Aphrodisiac

by Robert G. Barrett

  ‘Mr President. Silverdale Naval Depot no longer exists. And we’ve lost another two Trident submarines.’

  President Clooney looked around the office and smiled dementedly. ‘So, what’s the good news?’

  His inner Cabinet and the NASA scientist exchanged worried looks. ‘Sir. It appears the Vice President’s operation was a success,’ said the Director of the CIA, Cutler Holdstock.

  ‘Well isn’t that just peachy,’ replied Clooney. ‘Now Firmin can pee properly.’ The President buried his face in his hands then turned to the NASA scientist. ‘What was your name again?’

  ‘Abner, sir. Abner Hampartzoumian,’ replied the scientist.

  ‘Okay, Abner,’ said President Clooney. ‘What can you tell me about these fuckin Loo Noo?’ The President looked at the photos on his desk. ‘And I’m begging you, don’t tell me these bug-eyed little shits come from outer space.’

  The NASA scientist made an open-handed gesture. ‘Sir. They’re aliens of some description, sir. They’re like nothing we know.’

  ‘Oh shit!’

  ‘Sir. They may not come from another planet,’ suggested the scientist. ‘They may come from beneath the ocean. Or they could be subterranean. We don’t know. But they’re unlike anything living on earth’s surface, sir.’

  Clooney studied one of the photos. It was taken at Guam by a retired FBI agent through a telephoto lens. ‘My daughter’s got a T-shirt with something like that on the front.’

  ‘Yes, sir,’ said the scientist. ‘Alien world T-shirts.’

  ‘And these are fuckin aliens.’ Clooney flicked the photo to one side and held his hands up to his face. ‘How in the fuck am I going to tell the American people we’ve been invaded from outer space?’ He banged his cowboy boots on the floor. ‘Shit! Piss! Bugger! Fuck! Cunt!’

  ‘Sir,’ said the Director of the DEA. ‘Theoretically, we haven’t been invaded, sir.’

  ‘No, Abelard,’ Clooney shook his head. ‘They’ve come down to teach us how to do the fuckin watusi.’ Clooney’s face reddened. ‘Tell that to what’s left of Edwards fuckin Air Force Base,’ he yelled. ‘And Pearl Harbor.’ Clooney turned back to the scientist. ‘So what are those craft they’re flying around in, Abner? You any idea?’

  The scientist looked at a photo he was holding. ‘Sir, it’s too hard to tell from just a photo. It looks like a ball of light with a cabin. But every pilot that ejected safely said there was absolutely no sound. And when they got close, the pilots’ instruments went all over the place. So they conduct some kind of electro-magnetic field.’

  ‘Magnetism,’ said Clooney. ‘Great. And what are these weapons they’re using?’

  The scientist shook his head. ‘I honestly don’t know, sir. We thought at first they might have been electro jets.’

  ‘Electro jets?’ said Clooney.

  ‘Yessir,’ said the Secretary for Defense. ‘Like they’re developing in Alaska with HAARP. Our High-frequency Active Auroral Research Project none of us are supposed to know about. Only the Loo Noo’s firepower makes HAARP look like a plastic flyswatter.’

  Clooney tilted his head back and ran his hands over his face. ‘It just gets better all the time.’

  ‘Whatever it is they’re using, sir,’ said Jack Werner, ‘apart from our nuclear capacity, we have nothing to match it.’

  Clooney turned to the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. ‘And you suggest we go nuclear, Penrod?’

  ‘Yessir,’ said Admiral Machonicie. ‘We have no other option.’

  ‘Nuke the alien sonsofbitches, Mr President,’ scowled the Attorney-General. ‘And their goddamn island, too. We’re not dealing with human beings here. We’re dealing with commies from outer space.’

  ‘Do you realise, if I do that,’ said Clooney, ‘I’ll turn half the Pacific radioactive.’

  ‘It’s either the space commies or the United States, sir,’ said the Attorney-General.

  Clooney shook his head in despair. ‘God! What the fuck do I do?’

  ‘There is one thing you could do, sir,’ said the Secretary of State, Kedar Whitfield.

  ‘What’s that, Kedar?’ asked Clooney, looking up from his desk.

  ‘Sir. Ring President Milne, sir.’

  There was a knock on the door and a worried Arlene Tandiero entered the room. ‘Mr President. Switch on your closed-circuit TV, sir. I’m afraid you have to see this.’

  ‘Jesus! See what? What now?’

  The Press Secretary switched the President’s select TV on and stood back. An audible gasp was heard round the room. Clooney’s hair stood on end.

  ‘Oh my good God!’ he shuddered. ‘Is that …?’

  ‘Yessir,’ answered the Secretary for Defense. ‘Umatilla.’

  ‘Oh my God!’ Arlene Tandiero held her hands to her face.

  In deathly silence the people in the Oval Office watched the film coming in from Umatilla Army Depot. The two discs were hovering silently over bunker K–1856. Swirls of dust were spinning in the air and of all things, a skinny old coyote walked disinterestedly up to the bunker, cocked a leg and walked off. Still holding their breath, the people in the Oval Office continued to stare at the two discs on the TV screen. Then the discs disappeared as if by magic.

  ‘Christ! Where did they go?’ said Clooney.

  ‘I don’t know, sir,’ said the Secretary for Defense, slowly shaking his head. ‘But away from Umatilla, sir. Thank God.’

  A terrible silence descended on the Oval Office. President Clooney was ashen-faced, the Attorney-General had beads of sweat forming on his brow. The NASA scientist’s lips were still moving in prayer and each man exchanged desperate looks. It had been close. Too close. Arlene Tandiero turned to Clooney.

  ‘Mr President. May I say something?’

  ‘Sure, Arlene,’ replied Clooney. ‘You’ve got as much brains as anyone else in the room. Go right ahead.’

  ‘Sir. After seeing that, I believe the Loo Noo are trying to tell us something, sir.’

  ‘Tell us something, Arlene?’ Clooney answered quietly. ‘Like what? They’ve got my balls in a rat trap and they’re about to spring the catch?’

  ‘No, sir,’ said the President’s Press Secretary. ‘I believe what we just saw was both a directive and a warning.’

  ‘A warning, Arlene?’ said Clooney.

  ‘Yes, sir,’ she nodded, deliberately. ‘After what we know they’re capable of, they could have blown Umatilla to pieces. And we’d be looking at a major catastrophe right now. But they didn’t.’

  ‘No,’ agreed Clooney. ‘They didn’t. And we can thank God for that.’

  Arlene Tandiero looked around the room then back to Clooney. ‘So they want us to do something, sir.’

  ‘Like what?’

  Secretary of State Kedar Whitfield spoke. ‘Sir. Ring President Milne, sir.’

  ‘Sir,’ said Admiral Machonicie. ‘The French have left us to hold the can. The Brits want nothing to do with it either.’

  ‘Sir. We’re on own,’ said Abelard Sisaric.

  President Clooney stared round the office, then at Kedar Whitfield, then Arlene Tandiero. ‘Do we have Milne’s phone number?’

  ‘Sir. We can run a hotline through the Australian consulate in Konipeau in less than an hour,’ said the Director of the CIA, Cutler Holdstock.

  Clooney pointed directly. ‘Do it. I’ll ring him.’ Clooney twisted his face up. ‘What did he say in that message? The lines are open every arvo? What’s a goddamn arvo?’

  ‘In the afternoon, sir,’ said Arlene Tandiero. ‘Their time.’

  ‘When’s that?’ asked Clooney.

  ‘Ring him three hours from now, sir,’ suggested the Press Secretary.

  After a hard day blowing up parts of America’s defence capabilities, Brian and Milne were seated at the stone table in the temple. On the way back, they’d checked out the two ships they’d seen earlier. They were the battleship Warren and the guided missile carrier Hernandez. Both ships fired on them as Brian and Milne ca
me in close and it was more than likely the two ships were the ones that had fired missiles at the island during the night. Milne said to leave them for the time being. The ships couldn’t do any damage because of the force field and they could fly out and sink them easily enough in the morning. Now, after eating all the fruit, including a large pineapple, Brian and Milne were drinking coffee and Brian’s coffee was going down well. After all the killing and destruction Brian was still pumping and in an odd mood. He felt he’d held his end up at work much more than expected, and in an amicable way, it was time to sort a few things out with the boss.

  ‘Well that wasn’t a bad morning’s work, Sawi,’ said Brian. ‘Do you think CC would have got the message?’

  ‘I hope so,’ replied Milne.

  ‘And if he doesn’t?’

  ‘We’ll go in and give him another serve. And the French, too.’

  ‘How many serves do you figure on giving them?’

  ‘I don’t know. Whatever it takes,’ said Milne.

  Brian nodded over his coffee. ‘Well, you did say I was in for the long haul.’

  ‘That’s right,’ smiled Milne.

  Brian looked at the wings on Milne’s uniform. ‘So would you say, Reichsmarschall, I’ve earned my wings and I’ve done a good job?’

  ‘Done a good job?’ said Milne. ‘You’ve been fuckin fantastic. I don’t know how to thank you. Well I do. And with a bit of luck you shall see.’

  Brian nodded. ‘Ron, I often get the feeling you’re still holding something back on me.’

  ‘Oh? Like what, Brian?’

  Brian pointed round the temple. ‘The force field. Your secret weapon with the sharks. Even the temple and the discs. There’s always something else turning up.’

  ‘Well, Lan Laroi is full of surprises, Brian.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’ Brian sipped his coffee. ‘I was talking with Keleu on the jetty one night, and I happened to mention your name, and this and that.’

  ‘Go on, Brian.’

  ‘And in the course of conversation she said how even though you’d been President for a long time, you’d only been Sawi for a few years. After the spirit journey. When you went to the temple and came back a young man. And all the people started to worship you.’

  ‘She said that, did she?’ smiled Milne.

  ‘Yes. And she didn’t mean any harm. She wasn’t talking about you behind your back. She genuinely loves you. They all do.’

  ‘I understand,’ said Milne.

  ‘Good,’ Brian looked directly at Milne. ‘So what was the spirit journey, Ron? What happened? Have they got a health farm somewhere on Lan Laroi? In fact I’ll get straight to the point. Although I’ve never said anything, and I’ve given your story about good living and the local water the benefit of the doubt, Ron, you’re not just in good shape for your age. You’re a walking fuckin miracle.’

  Milne’s smile turned into a grin. ‘I’m glad you finally asked, Brian. I was going to tell you eventually. But this is better.’

  ‘Thanks, Sawi,’ said Brian. ‘So what’s the story?’

  Milne thought for a moment. ‘Brian. Do you know anything about Multiple Wave Oscillation and the Golden Ration Pattern?’

  ‘What do you think?’

  ‘Radionic Orgone Accumulators and Rebirthing?’

  ‘Yeah, Ron. For sure.’

  ‘Bring your coffee, Takatau, and I’ll show you something.’ Milne stood up and led Brian over by the pool, to the alcove with the writing across the top, the crystals inside and the seat on the bottom. ‘You reckoned this looked like a toilet,’ said Milne.

  Brian indicated with his cup. ‘Yeah. Because of that seat at the bottom.’

  ‘And I told you it was a seat. That was all,’ said Milne. Brian nodded. ‘Well I lied. It’s an Orgone Radionic Rejuvenator.’

  ‘A what?’

  ‘Another little legacy of the ancients,’ said Milne. ‘A rebirthing machine.’

  Brian stared at Milne. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘When I came to this island, I was pretty crook. I had diabetes, asthma, arthritis. I was overweight. I had a lung problem from getting a whiff of agent orange in Vietnam. My hair was thinning. I’d knocked myself around from the piss. The island lifestyle and the good food and water helped. But I sure wasn’t getting any younger.’

  ‘Go on,’ said Brian.

  ‘So when I discovered the way into the temple and worked out the runes, I figured out what this thing was. And I thought I’d give it a go. I didn’t have much to lose. So I jumped in, switched on the crystals, and it knocked about thirty years off my life.’

  ‘What? Just like that?’ said Brian.

  ‘Not quite just like that,’ said Milne. ‘I was in there for nearly forty-eight hours. Spewing, shitting, sweating. You ever had food poisoning? Where you sit on the bog and vomit and sweat pours out of you? While you get those horrible stomach cramps?’

  ‘I’ve had Bali belly,’ said Brian.

  ‘Well it’s like that, only worse. And it lasts for two days. You want to die.’

  ‘Fair dinkum?’

  ‘You vomit up and sweat and shit everything rotten out of you over a lifetime. Fat, shit, bile, it pours out of you. The smell is diabolical. Your whole body changes. Scars disappear. You even grow new teeth. You’re like the bloke in those werewolf movies when his bones crack and move around. It’s horrible. But when it’s over —’ Milne held his hands out by his side. ‘Bingo!’

  ‘Holy smoke.’

  ‘I imagine the ancients used it till you went as far as you could. I’ve used it once. But I didn’t only come out thirty. I came out super-fit. And I’ve stayed that way ever since. I have a few drinks and a hot one. But that’s about it. Plenty of early nights, the right exercise. Good food, good water, and no stress.’

  ‘Well, I’ll be fucked.’ Brian ran his hand around inside the alcove. ‘What would happen if I tried it?’

  ‘At your age,’ said Milne. ‘You’d probably come out looking like an embryo or something.’

  ‘Shit,’ Brian took his hand away and finished his coffee.

  ‘So that’s what happened, mate,’ said Milne. ‘I was reborn. When I’m eighty, I’ll give it another go and see what happens.’

  Brian looked again at the alcove. ‘Just another little secret of Lan Laroi.’

  ‘That’s right.’ Milne led them back to the table and they sat down.

  ‘Any more little secrets you want to tell me, Ron?’

  Milne shook his head. ‘No. That’s about it for the island.’

  Brian shook his head also, only in wonder. ‘That’s … arguably the best one yet.’

  ‘I’m glad you liked the story about the wayback machine, Sherman,’ said Milne. ‘It’s something else, isn’t it?’

  ‘You can say that again, Mr Peabody.’

  Milne looked at his watch. ‘Well, what do you reckon, Sherman? We start heading back to catch the late? It’s not bad outside.’

  ‘Yes, good idea,’ agreed Brian. ‘I’ve really been enjoying the late — lately.’

  ‘You can drive, Takatau, I want to make a few notes.’

  ‘No worries.’

  They put the cups away, got their bags and went out to the car. Brian got behind the wheel, Milne slipped on Brian’s cassette and, with Propeller Heads and Shirley Bassey growling their way through ‘History Repeats’, they headed for Key Harbour.

  Brian found himself in a different mood again as he drove along. The thought of all the people he’d just killed today was at the back of his mind. What Milne just told him about the rejuvenator had come right out of the blue. Brian knew all along there had to be a true reason for Milne’s uncanny youth. But now he knew, he almost wished he’d never found out. It didn’t seem right. Brian would glance at Milne scribbling away now and again and couldn’t help feeling he was looking at someone who’d had some kind of supersonic facelift. It was a little hard to comprehend. But as they proceeded through the jungle, Brian got
accustomed to it. He was even starting to think when he hit sixty he might give the rejuvenator a go himself.

  They bounced along through the jungle and the farming area. It was a good day all right and the sun had dried most of the trail, so they made good time without having to hurry. Milne was completely absorbed in his notes. Now and again he’d give a little chuckle, but on the whole it seemed fairly serious stuff. The farming area was still locked, bolted and barred when they went past. But there were one or two people in their gardens who would wave as they drove past their houses, and Brian would toot the horn. The sun was sparkling on the harbour when they got to Key Street, the store was open and there were a few people with their bikes outside the bread shop. Brian swung the Jackaroo behind the PP and pulled up on the grass.

  ‘Looks like there’s a few people around,’ said Brian.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Milne, closing his notebook. ‘That’s good. Let’s see if the girls are at work.’

  They got their stuff from the car and walked up to the office. Airu and Keleu were in their uniforms sorting something out. There were kisses and cuddles all round and everybody was happy to see everybody and they were all right.

  ‘So are you girls feeling okay now?’ asked Milne, one arm around Airu.

  ‘I think so,’ said Airu. ‘But it was so strange. We were in the office. Then we passed out. And when we came to, we had no energy. We could just make it to our beds.’

  ‘All we wanted to do was sleep,’ said Keleu.

  ‘That was the Loo Noo’s magic,’ said Brian, his arms around Keleu. ‘But you’re all right now.’

  ‘We are better,’ answered Keleu. ‘We got up and we were tired from so much sleep. But we went for a bike ride and a swim. That helped. But we are still a little sleepy. What about yourself, Brian? How are you?’

  ‘I’m good,’ said Brian. ‘We’re both good. Me and Sawi helped the Loo Noo. And that was good too. Wasn’t it, Sawi?’

  ‘It sure was,’ replied Milne, one arm around Airu.