‘When did you last sleep?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure. I kind of remember Saturday. I think I locked up at work, but I’ve no idea. I suppose I’ll find out when I go back.’
Shona pulled away from the fridge and sat down at the table, more heavily than she’d intended.
Kallu spoke more gently than normal. ‘I’ll put the kettle on and then sort your hand out. Have you got anything to drink?’
‘I’ve got a couple of beers in the fridge.’
‘Can I have a beer?’
‘Yes.’
‘Water first.’
Shona twisted herself so that she could see him as he passed behind her and then started shaking. Watching him was making her feel nauseous and slowly her eyes closed. Her ears felt thick as if there was a woollen hat pulled over them. She felt a glass of water pushed into her left hand and Kallu helped to guide it to her mouth. When she’d swallowed it all and had a beer, she felt able to talk again.
‘Are you back to normal for tonight?’
‘No more biting. I can say that.’ He smiled.
‘Do you know where Cerys is?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘So do you.’
‘Did you know all along?’
‘Yes. So did you.’
‘What else do you know?’
Kallu laughed. ‘I know what the moon says to the comets that pass by and what the snow whispers to the earth as it lands. But I don’t think that’s what you mean.’
‘No.’ The thought of Mariana hearing that made Shona want to laugh.
‘The goddess is watching. Meghan is with you, but she does not belong to this house, or you. She says to look for stars and let her twinkle. She’s happy and she adores you. But she wants me to tell you I have to take someone with me, so choose who and what you want and hold on tight.’
Shona gasped. ‘You’re going to kill someone?’
Kallu tutted. ‘You’re mental.’ He held his hand to her head and Shona cowered away. He smiled a little and shook his head. ‘You’re not mental. And you think I’m mad, I know. It’s OK, it has to be like this. Don’t feel bad about it. You just can’t see me properly any more.’
‘I can,’ she said, but she knew everything had changed. She couldn’t trust him and didn’t want him in the same house as Jude, but still she wanted to hear about Meghan, to be forgiven by Meghan. She felt the pain of her hand and began to cry. If he was threatening to take people from her and she still couldn’t tell anyone he needed help, what was it going to take?
15
Shona kept waking in the dark. Sometimes there was nothing obvious to cause it, just a feeling of dread and the ticking of floorboards. Sometimes she thought she heard Kallu creeping through the house. Sometimes it was the phone’s blue light flashing that she had a message. Jimmy had mastered texts and was asking most days whether she’d remembered anything about that package. After seeing Cerys’ room turned over she felt sure that Maynard was looking it for it too. Neither of them knew, and that meant that Shona must have moved it without even realising. She must know something without understanding she knew it.
Sometimes what woke her was the thought of Maynard getting in and taking the rest of his silver and noticing the things which had already gone. He would have her arrested again, without a doubt. One night she packed everything she could get from his shelves into two boxes, wadded with old newspaper, and lay awake wondering where she could hide them. And then she realised where they had to go.
Thea caught Shona on the way back from dropping Jude off at school.
‘Can I come with you to the auction? I’ve never been and it’d be nice to go with someone else.’
Shona had forgotten about the sale. ‘I wasn’t going to actually go. They’ll email me.’
‘Go on.’ Thea tilted her head. ‘I could drive.’
How would Shona explain the expensive diamond brooch she was selling? She was too tired to open it all up again, even to Thea. Since London and the creeping darkness Shona had felt she was carrying an emptiness in her chest. Except she knew it wasn’t London or the dark. It was Kallu. He’d torn himself from her and she could sense he’d gone.
She tried to focus on what Thea was saying.
‘I was going to go to Coggeshall. I have to drop some stuff off.’ Shona didn’t want to say why. Thea didn’t ask.
‘I can drive us to Coggeshall and then we can go to the auction. In the afternoon, isn’t it? I’ll pick you up in an hour.’ Thea waved and left her at the corner.
Shona was sure she hadn’t said it was in the afternoon. And there was something else, she thought, as she slouched at her kitchen table. It felt strange, this overlap between Kallu and Thea. In her sleepless bed, Shona mapped everything, realising this was something her mother would do. Maynard and Mariana were a pair. They crossed over too, filling a dominant personality type. Both suggested revenge and treachery. Both held the idea of fatal secrets. Maynard disagreed with every request on principle and Mariana liked to be coaxed and persuaded so that she knew she was valued.
But Thea? Thea just said yes, no strings, no questions. So did Kallu. And with Kallu leaving, it seemed to Shona as if Thea was replacing him.
Patterns soothed her mother, but seeing them made Shona nervous. It suggested a plan, a map she would follow whether she wanted to or not. And she knew where a belief in patterns and tracks and echoes had got her family.
Shona locked the back door. She would text Thea and cancel, pretend to be out when she knocked. But she hadn’t even taken her coat off when Thea knocked and she answered and followed her outside. Seeing her made all the fears recede. Just like Kallu.
Shona took the boxes containing Maynard’s knick-knacks to the van and stopped to take in the shocking-pink hatchback. Stencilled on the side was a fairy holding a glittering wand with seven stars around it and Seven Stars in silver along the side.
‘Oh my God,’ said Shona. ‘It’s hideous.’
‘I’ve had better reactions,’ said Thea. ‘And much, much worse. Still want a lift?’
‘I suppose. Where do you hide it?’
‘I have a garage to preserve the beautiful paintwork.’ She swept her hand along the van and laughed.
Thea opened the back doors and Shona pushed the box in between others vomiting tinsel and disembodied wings.
Thea was one of the most careful drivers that Shona had known, maybe because she valued her stock and maybe because any complaints would easily identify her van. She eased around corners and anticipated children running across zebra crossings even when the pavements were empty. They left the town but her speed barely rose and they were soon overtaken by a string of cars.
They pulled up and Thea undid her seatbelt.
‘Do you mind waiting here?’ Shona asked. ‘We’ll never get away if my mother gets us inside.’
‘That’s fine.’
Shona took the boxes, one on top of the other, from the back, closed the door with her hip, and walked to the front door. Greta answered before she knocked so she was still holding the boxes.
‘Can I store these in the garage?’ Shona asked.
‘Leave it here, I’ll do it.’
‘No, can I just have the keys?’
‘Shona, leave it for me to do.’
Shona held the boxes to one side. ‘Just say no if you mean no.’
‘I don’t, I’d just rather do it myself.’
‘Fine.’ Shona walked back to the van.
‘Wait.’ Greta disappeared for a few seconds and came back with her keys. She led Shona to the row of garages behind the terrace and unlocked the one with a yellow metal shutter. Twisting the handle, she threw the door up above her head. Shona shuddered. Meghan’s crib, Meghan’s clothes, Meghan’s first and last teddy bear, Meghan’s life.
‘Are you all right?’ asked Greta.
‘No. I’d forgotten how much there was.’
Shona put the boxes down next to the crib. The clothes bags had gaped open and any scen
t that they had ever held would be gone. Maybe right at the bottom . . . She picked up the teddy but there was nothing there but the slightly musty, oil and paint smell of everything else. She put it back in the crib.
‘I’ll be back for the boxes at some point.’
‘What about everything else?’
‘When Maynard leaves, I’ll collect it all. I don’t ever want him to touch it.’
Greta held a hand out to Shona, but she edged away.
‘Thanks.’
Greta pulled the door closed and said nothing.
Shona got back into the van and Thea drove away without speaking. There was time to swallow back the lump in her throat and press the tears back from falling. She felt Thea pat her leg and she realised that the van had stopped again.
‘Right,’ Shona said. ‘Let’s go.’
The auction was far from over when Shona’s lot came up, number 65. A specialised antique sale, Shona saw Thea’s hand twitching whenever anything twee and awful was held up for inspection.
‘Don’t you dare,’ said Shona.
Thea laughed. ‘You won’t have to look at it. If you ever come round, I’ll cover it up.’
Shona cringed. Of course she had no right to tell Thea what she should buy. All she knew about her was that she had a son, a tattoo and a pink van. She was one of those slightly hippyish people who might have been dressed in expensive designer ranges or well-chosen charity shop buys and you wouldn’t be able to tell. Shona determined to get to know more about Thea. And then lot 65 sold for £6,500.
‘You had no idea it was worth that much?’
Shona shook her head. ‘I was told it was expensive but I thought he was exaggerating. He underestimated.’ She still felt sick.
‘Who did it belong to? Was it from a family member? I can see you’re regretting it.’
‘I’m really not regretting it.’ Shona pushed her rum and coke backwards and forwards, leaving a snail trail on the shiny varnish. ‘It was mine, kind of. My husband bought it.’
‘Wow! What a lovely present.’
‘It would have been. He bought it as an investment.’
Legally, she wasn’t at all sure if she was on safe ground. Maynard had started divorce proceedings. Yet again she’d done something he could have her charged with. And it was so much money he would be furious. What was wrong with her?
Thea lowered her voice. ‘It’s not exactly yours?’
Shona looked her in the eyes and shrugged.
‘Still, six and a half grand and mere days until Christmas, that can’t be bad.’ Thea looked at Shona. ‘Is it?’
Shona said, ‘I think I might have fucked up. It might be theft.’
Thea raised her eyebrows.
‘I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have let you come. You might be called an accessory, or God knows what. I’m so sorry. I can’t seem to make any sensible decisions. Everything gets worse the minute it looks a bit better.’
‘It’s OK, Shona. It will all come right.’
Shona shook her head. ‘I don’t know if it can. I wish I did.’
The phone rang but there was no-one speaking at the other end. Shona dialled to retrieve the number but it was blocked. That ruled out Jimmy, but somehow she knew it was Cerys. Two and a half months missing, and no reason to think it may be her, but she felt it.
Shona held on to the table to stand up and turned the key in the back door. She sat back down and tried to think through how she could justify stealing from Maynard. He’d kept his end of the deal while Cerys was at home. He had paid what he said he would. Now he could have Shona arrested and she would lose everything, and deserve to.
The door to the kitchen slowly opened.
‘No!’ she shouted. ‘Jude, can you wait? I’ll be through in a minute.’ She rubbed at her eyes and cheeks. The door closed a little and then opened again. ‘Jude, not now!’
The door fully opened and Shona’s mother was there, not Jude.
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Jude let me in. You didn’t hear me knocking. Is it OK?’
‘Yes. I’m just not in a very sociable mood, Mum. It’s been a shit day.’
Greta stood awkwardly in the doorway, one glove off and her scarf in both hands. Shona knew she should offer a cup of tea, make conversation but she needed silence. How many years was it since her mother had been here? And if she believed that she was responsible for Meghan, why was she here at all? Shona knew it was unreasonable to become angry over something so stupid.
‘The devil not following you about any more?’
Greta flinched and Shona wished she could take it back.
‘You shouldn’t be so dismissive, you know. I’m here. I haven’t been here for a long time, but I’m here now.’
Shona tried to think of something nice to say. ‘I just wondered why now.’
‘I hadn’t seen you for a while and I wished I’d said more to you when you came today. I thought I’d bring your Christmas presents over. I didn’t think about it earlier.’ Greta looked around. ‘And I’ve been told that it’s safe to come.’
‘Safe?’
‘Your friend. Kallu. He’s been to see me. He says I’m protected. And you believe him, even if you don’t believe me.’
‘You’ve seen him?’ Shona tried to work out why her mother would make it up. Shona hadn’t seen Kallu recently, and his words coming out of her mum’s mouth? It was all wrong. She should tell her Kallu was dangerous but it felt like a betrayal.
Greta twisted her scarf. ‘I could take Jude out for a bit, go and see Father Christmas in town. Not for long. I know you probably haven’t eaten. If you wanted me to.’
Shona was still thinking. Kallu in her mum’s house, talking to her the way he talked to Shona. There was something different about Greta, a lightness.
Greta was putting her scarf back on, avoiding eye contact with Shona. ‘It’s fine, I should have phoned.’
‘No, that would be really good. Jude would enjoy it.’
‘I wasn’t going to say anything, if that’s what’s worrying you.’
‘Well, I’d certainly rather you didn’t. But thank you for thinking of him. I’ll get him ready.’
Jude was reluctant to go out with his granny until Shona mentioned the grotto.
‘How does Granny know where he is?’
‘Grannies are much more magical than mummies. They all know Father Christmas, just like children do.’
Jude looked amazed and then tried to run out the front door without a coat.
Greta called him back and helped him into his anorak and tied his trainer laces. ‘Do you have a hat, Jude? It’s a bit parky.’
Shona fetched the spare key from the kitchen. ‘In case I’ve popped out.’
Jude pulled his hat and gloves from both pockets and stood, fidgeting, while Greta dressed him.
‘You didn’t call a little while ago, did you, Mum?’
Greta shook her head.
Jude was ready. ‘Can we go?’
Shona kissed his hat and watched them walk down the road. Jude was holding Greta’s hand while keeping a step or two ahead of her. Shona waved, even though they weren’t looking.
She took the new boxes she’d begged from the corner shop on the way back from school and went back to the front room to pack everything left that would fit in a box, paintings, paperwork and breakables all in together. She’d pay for Greta’s taxi home and it would all be gone except the furniture. Then she might sleep.
Greta didn’t stay for dinner. She’d bought some chips on the way back, she said, and shared them with Jude. She came in to wait for the taxi but they had nothing to say.
Jude had decided he was still hungry and was cutting up peppers in his samurai fashion. Shona thought that she should put a stop to it, but he kept his fingers well out of the way and she couldn’t begrudge him finding a way to make cooking fun. She’d never found a way and, even though he had eaten with his grandmother and it was bedtime, he wanted to help
Shona.
From the kitchen window Shona saw Jimmy come in the back gate. He had a Russian fur hat with long ear flaps even though the weather was still mild. Shona wondered if someone was dressing him. He carried a large laundry bag folded in one hand. Shona stared at him, wondering whether he really thought he was going to walk off with whatever he asked for.
‘Come in!’ she shouted.
‘So?’ he asked, shutting the door behind him.
‘Six and a half,’ she said. ‘I did text you.’
‘Six and a half what?’ said Jude, still frowning.
‘Potatoes,’ said Shona. ‘Mind your own business.’
Jude rolled his eyes and aimed another dramatic chop.
‘That’s pretty good. I’ve come to collect the rest of the stuff.’ He unfolded the bag.
‘Can I get in that?’ Jude put the knife down and wiped his hands on his trousers.
Jimmy said, ‘No, it has to keep clean. No little boys. Can I go through?’
Shona shook her head. ‘I’ve moved most of the stuff. Everything small, anyway.’
‘Why?’
‘In case Maynard comes and demands it all back.’
‘But you’ve changed the keys.’
‘And he has a bit of a temper.’ Shona pointed at her ears and nodded towards Jude, ‘I’d rather let him in to see for himself than try to hold him at the door.’
‘But I was going to price it all up for you.’
‘I know. You still can. Just not now.’
Jude hadn’t picked up the knife again. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Let’s go in the front room,’ said Shona. ‘No more knives now, Jude. Just break up the broccoli for me.’ She moved the knife into the sink.
‘I’m Camel Number Three,’ he told Jimmy. ‘Do you want to watch me?’
It was the third time he’d mentioned the nativity performance, as if he’d thought she might forget.
‘Not sure,’ Jimmy said. ‘I’ll find out when it is.’
Jimmy stomped to the front room and groaned. He slammed the door behind them.
The Devil in the Snow Page 19