‘Everything’s gone. Why didn’t you ask me to keep the stuff? I know what it’s all worth and I know what’s what about the rest of it too.’
‘I know. I just felt better having it out of the house. And you’re the next person they’ll assume has it.’
‘So where is it?’ He looked around at the bare walls and empty cabinets. He was pricing up the furniture as he scanned it. ‘Where?’
Shona snapped. ‘It’s safe, that’s all. And it’s not yours. Why are you being such an arse?’
He narrowed his eyes. ‘You’re not handing it all in, are you? It’s not just Maynard’s head, you’ll be giving them mine too.’ He took a step forward. ‘I need to know where the stuff is. The paperwork too. I need to protect myself.’
The heat from the house and hat combined had made his nose and forehead greasy with sweat. Shona refused to back away.
‘It is safe,’ she repeated. ‘I’ll let you know what I decide.’
‘You’ve no idea what it’s like,’ he said, pulling his hat off. His hair, heavy with sweat, looked thin, his eyes tired. ‘I won’t risk it, Shona. It turns you mad. You end up believing all sorts just for something to think about. The next time I end up inside I won’t come out again.’ He pulled his hat back on and lifted his chin. ‘I would do just about anything to avoid it, Shona. If I felt threatened, I couldn’t say.’
‘I’m not going to expose you. I’ve always known that you’re dodgy as hell, I just didn’t realise that you were endangering me and my children by fucking around with that idiot I married.’
‘You were never—’
‘Stolen and faked goods in my house, and you think they’d believe I had no idea?’
Jimmy fiddled with his collar, pulling it down with both hands. His eyes seemed unable to focus, darting from one hand to the other.
‘I’m in charge now, of this house and whatever is in it. I don’t want Maynard to have any of it on his terms, if at all, but I need it away from me. Got it?’
Jimmy finally met her eyes and went to leave the room before changing his mind and turning back.
‘Why did you send him?’ he said.
‘Who?’
‘That boy. Kallu.’
‘Send him where?’
‘He turned up on my doorstep pretending he was a bit woozy, asking me to call you. He just wanted to get inside. I knew his game.’
First Greta, now Jimmy.
‘Jimmy, I didn’t send him. Why didn’t you call me? He has episodes.’
‘He was not having an episode. He found my house, didn’t he?’
‘He just knows things.’
Jimmy looked at Shona. ‘Lots of people know things, Shona, and they’re not always truthful about how they know. You believe him?’
Shona nodded.
‘You want to watch yourself, and everything else here. You have something he wants.’
‘He’s never asked me for anything.’
Jimmy laughed. ‘The clever ones never have to. If you know anything about me, Shona, you know that I can spot a fake.’
He left the room, slamming the front door behind him. She followed him and bolted the door, top and bottom. At the back door she hesitated. She hadn’t seen Kallu for days. She should check on him. She should ask why he was visiting her family. The thought of coming across him in the garden was too much. She dipped outside to the bin, grasped about for the spare key, and locked the back door.
Greta
When I got home, I was still happy. Maynard was awful, yes, but my daughter was back. She had two beautiful daughters, not a boy and a girl, and we, together, would be fine. I bathed, went to bed and smiled as I thought about how things were going to improve.
I don’t know what woke me. I just knew he was back. He was waiting to tell me something. I had to go downstairs. The streetlights were still on, so I didn’t touch the light switch. It wasn’t anything nice and prosaic like a burglar, so I wouldn’t need lights.
Larry was sitting in the front room, in his arm chair, as he’d looked in Paris, young, arrogant and satisfied with himself. My heart sank even further than it already was. This wasn’t about me. There was nothing he could do to me. It had something to do with Shona. My Shona. He smiled when I thought that.
‘What have you done?’ I said.
He just smiled. I thought about the religion and the folklore and the ley lines, those layers of belief we’d all heaped on ourselves, and I knew they were just distractions. They were stories. I could only ever know where he’d been, not where he was going. The only evidence was held in snow. I needed snow.
‘We don’t miss you.’ I sat on the sofa, suddenly cold, and folded my arms. ‘You’re dusty bones and nothing else. No photos, not remembered by anyone.’
He nodded.
‘Why come back now?’
He looked at the phone and I heard, as if from behind him, a thin baby cry. Now I became cold, right to the core. My stomach was suddenly agonising and I leant over and vomited on my feet. My head filled with the thread of sound and I was filled with loss. The cry had turned into Shona’s wail. I couldn’t look at him again. My eyes were squeezed tight as I tried to persuade myself, it is a punishment for me. It’s an illusion. It’s not him, it’s not Meghan.
I finally heard him speak. ‘You took me to her.’ I clamped my hands to my ears, but the words were in my head. ‘You showed me where she was.’
And then the phone rang.
I didn’t want to go back. What if something happened to Cerys? But I did. In the two inches of snow which had fallen overnight, I saw the hoof prints on the pavement outside Shona’s house, walking away. He’d been there and I’d led him.
I stayed through the tears and I stayed through the anger. I listened to her accusations, blaming Maynard, when I knew it was her father, the devil. I ordered the van she cried for and packed Meghan’s clothes, Meghan’s soft toys and Meghan’s crib into the back of it, drove it to my house and put everything in the garage behind the house. It was the only place where I felt I’d had power over him, the only place these things might be safe from his influence. I returned the van and asked what else I could do.
‘Is everything safe from him?’
‘Yes.’ She was talking about Maynard and I was talking about Larry.
‘I don’t want him ever to touch anything that belonged to her. He’s poison. He killed her.’
‘He did. I know he did.’
She stared at me, red-eyed. ‘Will anyone else believe us?’
I shook my head. ‘You know they won’t.’
She looked at me strangely then and almost pulled away. She started to sob again and I held her awkwardly.
‘Mum, you’ve got that look than Gran had. You are talking about Maynard, aren’t you? It’s not anything else?’
I said nothing and she wrenched herself away.
‘Oh my God, it is, isn’t it? You’re thinking that I’ve been attacked by evil. It was Maynard! Neglect and selfishness and stupid human ignorance killed my daughter.’
We heard the front door slam and both quietened. She crept to her bedroom door and stood on the landing, next to Cerys’ door. I heard Maynard stop halfway on the stairs and then continue to the top. Shona said nothing. He came in the room, tired-eyed and dishevelled. He wasn’t surprised to see me sitting on his bed.
‘I’m just getting a few things,’ he mumbled. ‘Shona doesn’t want me here at the minute.’
He pulled a bag from on top of the wardrobe and slung a couple of shirts in. I didn’t know whether to stay or leave, so stood by the window and looked outside.
‘Where’s the crib?’ His voice was stronger than before.
I turned round. ‘Shona doesn’t want—’
‘Where’s the fucking crib?’ His fists were clenched, his eyes alert. ‘Tell me where it is.’
‘No.’ I’d faced the devil. I wasn’t going to give in to a bully.
‘Shona!’
She stood in the doorwa
y. ‘It’s gone. All her stuff is gone and it won’t be coming back.’
‘What the fuck did you do that for?’ He stared at her, then at me. ‘Who took it and where did they take it?’
Shona crossed her arms. ‘When you tell me what happened to Meghan, I’ll tell you where I dumped the crib.’
Maynard sank to the bed, his head in his hands. ‘Fucking bitches. You have no idea.’
Shona stared at him as his body began to shake. I walked to the door, pushed her gently onto the landing and closed the door behind me.
Shona was still staring. ‘He didn’t cry about Meghan,’ she whispered. She looked at me. ‘Why wouldn’t he cry about her?’
I was stuck then. I didn’t want to take the devil back to Shona. I know she feels I failed her, but I was always here. I would have done anything for her here. Instead we both suffered separately.
I was surprised to get a letter from Jimmy a few weeks later, asking me to visit him. He’d sent a visiting card and told me which day and time to come. I put it all on the mantelpiece and left it there. I didn’t write back, I’d told him I didn’t want to see him, and I didn’t go. I wasn’t entirely surprised to see a couple of men turn up when I should have been at the prison. I knew the links between him and Maynard, but thought they’d lapsed over time and the trouble Jimmy was in. Apparently not. Maynard wanted his crib back, thought I had it, and was prepared to break into my house to get it. I thought of inviting him round, so he could have a good look for himself, but then couldn’t work out how I would explain that to Shona. Jimmy had known Larry had hired one of the line of garages, but he would have had no reason to suppose I kept it, having no car. It was out of sight. It would never have occurred to Maynard.
The men finally broke in while I was sleeping and left me a broken pane in the back door, even though I’d left it open for them. I woke when they smashed it and lay quietly as they padded around my bedroom. When the devil wants you for his own, you’re in no danger from anyone else.
I never knew what arrangement Shona and Maynard came to. There was some tension between them and I thought about the cyclist and how easily he’d walked away from that. I expected him to walk away from Shona too, with Cerys if he could manage it. Maybe he thought, if he stayed, the crib would eventually return when Shona got pregnant again. When she got pregnant with Jude, she bought a nice clean crib from Ikea. That was when Maynard stopped pretending everything might turn out all right and moved down to the front room, where he’d spent so many nights.
They were stuck together. Shona wanted the house, Maynard wanted the crib and they both wanted Cerys. Neither of them was any good at losing.
16
Five days before Christmas and Jude was writing his sixth wish list.
‘It’s probably too late for Father Christmas to change his mind, you know.’
Jude shook his head. ‘He’s magic, stupid.’
‘Hey! He’ll take out presents if you’re rude.’
‘You definitely won’t get anything.’
School had built up a complete conviction in this mystical, generous provider of material goods. Shona had half thought that Jude would persuade the entire class that he was a fabrication and she would be the focus of dozens of accusing, tearful eyes. Instead he’d been quickly brought into the fold, as it was a more attractive idea than anything else possible. Short of showing him everything she bought before he unwrapped it, Shona was stuck. She left him to his imagination, although she was pretty sure that the magic wand he wanted would turn out a disappointment. With Father Christmas, reality wasn’t a problem.
She found a film and settled him down as Mariana let herself in the back door. Jude glanced at her and jumped up when he saw the present in her hands.
‘Is it for me?’
‘Of course.’
He snatched it.
‘Say thank you!’ Shona shouted after him before shutting the door. ‘I’ll just go and get your card.’
‘No problem.’ Mariana sighed. ‘And try to find some decorations, for goodness sake. How dull it is in here. Lights, Shona, lights are the spirit of Christmas.’
Shona went to the hall, pulled the packet of cards from her bag and sat on the stairs to write it out.
Mariana was looking at the package on the table which Shona hadn’t opened yet.
‘No address,’ said Mariana.
‘Yes,’ said Shona. ‘I’ve had a few of these.’
With a long red fingernail Mariana slowly pushed it towards Shona. Shona handed her the card.
‘Someone is sending me photos of Cerys.’ Shona pointed to the others. ‘It’s not nice opening them. They’ve been fine so far, but still.’
‘Who do think they’re from?’
‘Maynard, probably.’
‘Merda. The sooner you can move on the better.’
Shona placed her hand on top of Mariana’s small, rested hand. She knew that when Mariana didn’t really approve of divorce but was trying to be supportive. Her large brown eyes were framed by furrowed brows.
Shona spoke quietly. ‘I’ll open it. Tell me what you think it’s supposed to mean.’
Shona fetched a vegetable knife from the drawer and sliced underneath the Sellotape. She unfolded the stiff, brown paper. The frame was thick and black, making Cerys’ blonde hair seem even lighter than before. She had what looked like a designer bag over one shoulder and was made up with some mascara and lipstick. A couple of girls stood next to her, smiling for the camera.
Mariana said, ‘Her smile isn’t like theirs.’
Shona looked. She was right. It was a photo smile with a watchfulness to her eyes.
‘What do you think they are for?’
‘I think in a strange way they are a sorry, but also to make you feel you can keep in touch. Also, there’s an implicit threat. You are getting these while Maynard gets his way, or thinks he is. When that changes you will lose her, as far as he’s concerned. But—’ Mariana held her hand up ‘—not necessarily as far as Cerys is concerned. She’s old enough to make contact on her own and to get on a train. She doesn’t look short of money. It will be up to her, not him.’
Shona looked at the photo and wished she had some kind of clue about Cerys’ feelings towards her now. Mariana took the photo and placed it on the table.
‘So, you want me to look at the latest letter from the solicitor?’
Shona drew it from the envelope and stood up to put the kettle on. Her mobile rang, vibrating against the draining board. Shona looked and turned the phone over to cut the sound. Jimmy. Shona held the phone in both hands until it stilled and then switched it off. Something was disturbing her about his reaction to Maynard’s collection. He had treated it like his own property, as if no-one could deal with it but him. She thought that he had plans that he wasn’t telling her. She had no idea about his situation, his income. She was starting to suspect that he intended to sell the paintings to keep the money for himself. He’d taken the ones with any real price and if she confronted him she might never see the money. If she accused him, he could make things very complicated for her. She’d taken the paperwork which linked him to the paintings and to Maynard, but she didn’t want to get him sent back to prison.
She wanted to talk to Mariana about it, but there was something which stopped her. It had been two weeks since Shona had seen Kallu that night in the garden. She almost asked Mariana if she had been visited, but she would have said.
When she looked back to her, Mariana was watching her as if waiting for something. Shona smiled and Mariana went back to the papers.
Shona offered Jude the last piece of pizza but he shook his head. He chewed on his thumb, the way he did when he felt tired or close to tears. She thought he might be thinking about Christmas without Cerys, just them two. She wasn’t enough for him and had always known that, but having Cerys around had hidden it.
‘Are you feeling all right, Jude?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So, Camel Number Three,
do you want me to read you a story or have a bath and then a story?’
‘Just a story.’
‘OK, brush your teeth.’
In bed she pretended she couldn’t find the book straight away.
‘How would you feel about having your own bedroom?’
Jude frowned at her. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, we have three bedrooms and it’s silly for us to share one of them.’
‘It’s two bedrooms, one just has a cave.’
Shona looked at his face. ‘Are you scared of the office?’
‘No.’ He shrugged. ‘I like caves.’
Shona wondered whether she should tell him he was moving rooms or keep asking him what he thought. She didn’t remember ever being asked as a child what she thought about anything. Equally she didn’t want Jude to grow up thinking that whatever he wanted would inevitably happen with no effort on his part.
‘Now that Cerys isn’t here, I think you should have her room. You can take all your toys from here and put them where you like. Or would you rather stay in here?’ He still wasn’t looking at her. ‘I think you’re too old to share a bed now, Jude. What do you think?’
He looked at his hands. ‘I like sharing with you. I would get lonely.’
‘Do your friends have their own rooms?’
He stuck his bottom lip out. ‘Dunno.’
‘I think you should ask Callum what he thinks. And then he can come to play and you can have secret games in your own room, and he can stay for the night.’
Jude’s chin rested on his chest and he kept his eyes fixed firmly in front of him. The air was squeezed between his palms. Shona stroked his hair and his flicked his head away from her hand.
She hadn’t looked in his schoolbag for three weeks before this afternoon and had found a party invitation for the previous weekend and two requests for late dinner money. His reading book hadn’t been changed as apparently they were waiting for her comments in his home/school book and one plimsoll had been lost and needed replacing. She tried not to cry. She had failed him over and over and he hadn’t said a word. She needed to forget about Cerys who would turn up when she turned up, and sever all ties with Maynard twelve years after she should have done. Jude needed a little bit of attention other than food and warmth and she couldn’t spend it all on people who weren’t here. Meghan was gone, Cerys was gone, Maynard was gone and yet they were more present in her head than her beautiful little boy who adored her.
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