‘Mum? Are there going to be people in the garden again tonight? I don’t like them.’
‘Did you hear someone? It wasn’t Kallu?’
‘No, it wasn’t Kallu. It was strange people.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me, wake me up?’
‘You were crying in your dreams and I didn’t want you to wake up all sad. Did you wake up sad?’
‘No, I didn’t.’
Jude smiled and hugged her arm. She hadn’t noticed the rings under his eyes this morning, although he had been quieter than usual. And he’d made a fuss about what he wanted in his sandwiches, which wasn’t like him.
‘I’ve found your story,’ she said, pulling the reading book from his bag.
He looked at the book. ‘Stay after this, Mummy.’ He leaned his head against her shoulder and she couldn’t argue with him. She knew this was the problem. She needed him, and she liked him more than she wanted to be his parent.
She kissed his head and read and ignored the message alerts from her mobile phone. Everything could wait.
17
Jude spent an hour choosing his library books. He still liked the low-slung wooden boxes of books which stood upright. Shona was worried that he should be looking for older storybooks now, fewer illustrations and more words, but decided to let him be. Shona took one of the soft but uncomfortable oblong seats and watched him flip each book forward so it banged against the one in front. He did it quickly but never had to reverse back to one. He spotted what he wanted and she began to wonder what selection process he was using. She couldn’t remember making easy decisions on the basis of a cover, but so much more effort went into them now. Her early teenage years had been full of dull beige books with all the colour contained in the words. A small line drawing at the opening of a chapter was as decorative as it got. Even the teenage section in the library was careful to display lurid, sometimes gruesome, covers to attract the eye.
‘Done.’ Jude had his three books clamped to his chest.
‘My turn. You can have a look at them while I’m choosing mine.’
‘Can we go up in the lift?’
Shona shuddered. ‘It’s just for buggies.’
‘You’re scared.’
Shona stuck her tongue out and guided him to the escalator.
Kallu had phoned to meet them for lunch in town. Shona was pleased they were meeting somewhere neutral, and public. They were late, but he was later. She had found a corner table to place the bags of library books behind and worried that, out of sight, she would forget them. Jude promised to remind her. She unrolled her scarf and tucked it into the arm of her coat, her gloves into her pockets and heard the crinkle of paper. This latest letter informed her that Maynard was getting the divorce underway on the basis that they’d been separated for over five years, using his flat in London as the proof. Now he was openly admitting that Cerys was with him so that he wouldn’t have to pay Shona any maintenance and was claiming that he deserved his half of their house. Only it wasn’t his house to Shona.
She looked at her watch, wondering whether Kallu had been and gone, when he arrived. Kallu wasn’t wearing a coat, just a beige jumper as thick as a sheep. He smelled of leaves and soil.
‘I ordered for you,’ Shona said.
He always ate the same thing in this café and she never did, choosing the special on principle. Today she wished she’d had the same as him, her onion soup being too runny and, if it was possible, too oniony. Jude had eaten his sandwich and taken his place at the drawing table hidden under the staircase.
‘How are you?’ she asked.
He shrugged. She was never sure what he thought of when she asked that, how he was physically, spiritually or metaphysically. He ate his toasted cheese sandwich in the same way as always, savouring each bite. She’d read this book where the girl could taste the history of production in her food and she wondered if he could taste the grass that the cows ate. Sometimes he couldn’t eat it. He would put it down and drink his water instead. He was losing weight, she thought, but not in a worrying way. His face was thinning and hardening into that of a man, the veins on the back of his hands becoming prominent. His hair curled around his shoulders, newly trimmed. She wondered who did that for him now and how well they managed to save every wisp for him. What did he do with the clippings? She remembered the smell of burnt hair at her mother’s house.
‘You’ve got a question?’ he said.
‘Yes,’ she said, but which one?
Kallu said, ‘I’ve seen people around the house. Two men or one man, it varies. One man was in the garden last night but he couldn’t find the key under the bin.’
Shona signalled towards Jude and put a finger to her lips. She whispered, ‘What did he look like?’
Kallu shrugged. Shona knew now that she wasn’t scared of him. As long as she stayed inside she was in no danger.
‘I moved the key. Do you want a new spare?’
‘I won’t be needing it. Keep it inside. He tried the windows but you’d remembered to lock them. I watched you.’
‘Did he see you?’
‘No, he didn’t come towards the shed. I don’t think he would have seen me anyway.’
‘No?’
‘I was in Amy’s garden.’
‘Why?’
‘Amy needs me.’
Shona fought down the queasy jealousy and broke the last of her bread into pieces.
‘Why won’t you need the key?’
Kallu smiled at her. ‘I’m leaving very soon.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘Wherever you send me.’
‘I want you to stay.’
‘No, you want me to make everything right. You want to know that Meghan is with you, that Cerys will be with you and that you will never lose Jude. You don’t own the house but the house owns you. You can do this. Jimmy hasn’t chosen a side yet, he’s trying to beat both of you.’
‘What about Maynard?’
‘What about him?’ Kallu laughed, held his hand out and blew across the top of it. ‘Jude’s not the only one who needs to know the truth. You can’t search for it if you can’t release it back to the world.’
Shona looked towards Jude. He looked away when he saw her.
Shona hissed, ‘You can talk about truth. Did you even see your mum at Christmas? I’m not the only one who is letting people down.’
Kallu swallowed his last mouthful. ‘I never said you were. And on Christmas Day I turned up for work, realised, and then saw my mum. You both have to let me go.’
‘I’m not your mother.’
He looked at her. ‘I’m not what you want me to be. I just am.’ He kissed her cheek and left the table, pulling the café door gently closed behind him.
Shona felt her throat tighten and closed her eyes to stop them overfilling. She raised one hand to her forehead to squeeze her temples. Again he’d gone and she never felt she’d said what she meant to. Was that the last time, or would she have another chance? She heard her table being cleared, the shuffle of people leaving the café. When she lifted her eyes, Jude was standing in front of her with his drawing of a Christmas tree and red stick figure smiling next to it. The waitress came over.
‘Would you like anything else?’
‘Is it all right to stay a bit longer, Jude? I’ll get you a cake.’
He nodded and she turned to the waitress.
‘Yes, chocolate cake and a coffee, please. And can I borrow a pen and a bit of paper?’
After a bath and twenty minutes of Shona reading, Jude had half settled in bed.
‘You are sleeping in here with me, aren’t you?’ It was the fifth time he’d asked. For the fifth time she said yes. His eyes were closed now but Shona knew from his breathing that sleep was some way off. They’d talked about the men, people who’d come to the wrong house Shona had said, and Jude had nodded seriously in an unconvinced way. Shona stroked his hair and wondered when she started to lie so easily to him. He was still, but his hands
were grasping the edges of the duvet when there was a knock on the door. His eyes opened wide and he sat up.
‘Not again,’ said Shona.
‘Who is it?’
‘I’ll check. It’s OK,’ said Shona. ‘Lie back down.’
But he clung to her arm and there was something in his eyes which prompted a sudden hope in her. Could it be Cerys?
She picked him from the bed and carried him downstairs. She put Jude on the bottom step and opened the door. It wasn’t Cerys. She tried not to let her face fall.
‘It’s Thea,’ she said lightly to Jude.
Thea held out a drill, its flex wound around it. ‘Sorry it’s late, but I only just remembered.’
Shona put Jude down and took the drill. ‘Brilliant, thanks. Do you want to come in?’
Thea smiled shyly. ‘I have a date.’ She pointed towards the car, engine still running. ‘She’s called Asha.’
‘Have fun.’ Shona tried to smile.
Thea frowned. ‘Are you all right, Shona?’
‘Yes. I’ll speak to you tomorrow. Really, have a great time.’
Thea waved to Jude and walked back to the car. Shona closed the door.
‘I need to just do a bit of drilling. It can wait until tomorrow or do you want to watch?’
‘I’ll watch.’ Jude chewed on his thumb. ‘What’s it for?’
Shona lifted the plastic bag from the coat rack and pulled a bolt out. ‘I was going to put this big, fat bolt on the door, just so we know we’re completely safe.’
‘What if they come back when we’re not in?’
‘I don’t care what happens when we’re not here. It’s just a house and it’s just stuff.’
Jude put the lock back and looked at the drill. ‘I wish Cerys was here.’
‘Me too.’ Shona sat down next to him. ‘Cerys is busy somewhere else.’ She took a breath. ‘She’s decided that she wants to live with her dad. She’s in London and she’ll be back, but for now she’s really cross with me.’
‘Is she cross with me too?’
‘No, not at all.’
‘But I hate her daddy. I told her.’
‘That’s OK, she knows he’s not very nice to you.’
‘If I had a daddy, I’d share him with her.’
Shona bit her lip. He hadn’t mentioned his daddy for over a year but it was bound to come up now that he was at school. He wasn’t the only fatherless child, but he was clearly constructing a heroic image in his head that beat all of the fathers he saw. She waited for him to ask again but he didn’t. He was waiting.
‘Do you want to help?’ she asked.
He jumped up. ‘Can I do the drill?’
‘Not this time. You can choose the bolts. We’ll just do one door tonight, which one?’
‘The back door.’
He ran through to the kitchen while Shona grabbed the small plastic wallet of screws. He walked back slowly.
‘What about Kallu? We can’t lock him out.’
‘Kallu will have to start knocking on the door like other people.’ Shona put her arms round him. ‘He knows why we’re doing this and he doesn’t mind. We’ll only lock it when we go to bed and unlock it first thing. Cerys has got a phone, so don’t worry about her either.’
Jude nodded and eyed the drill again. ‘Are you sure I can’t do just one hole?’
‘Very sure.’
Once Jude was asleep she went to Cerys’ room. She wasn’t ready to call it her room. She’d boxed up the school books and revision notes. Cerys’ clothes from the floor were now in a suitcase and, having gone through them, Shona still couldn’t identify any that she’d taken with her. Maynard must have bought her an entirely new wardrobe for her new life. The make-up, scattered across the desk and floor by the window, was all in a plastic bag.
She was still shaken from those few seconds when she’d truly believed that Cerys was back, that it was all over. She could feel it tug at her as she looked around the room. There were still at least four more boxfuls to pack up. Shona hadn’t managed to put more than a couple of empty plastic bottles in the bin bag. She couldn’t bear to throw anything away.
The suitcase wasn’t quite full so she decided to see if there was anything left hanging in the wardrobe. Made from antique oak, it had to be dismantled to get it out of the room. To get it in, Maynard had got men round to remove the windows from their settings. Shona had never understood how a wardrobe deserved such attention and dedication, but Maynard wanted the best of everything for their house. In the beginning, anyway.
She turned the trefoil key and the right-hand door swung open. There were some boxes of barely worn shoes at the bottom. She felt with her fingers for the upper and lower latches, and the left door swung too.
Shona stepped away and looked around the room. She was unsure whether she wanted to know what else was in the room. What had Maynard been looking for? Were the people outside looking for the same thing? It must be the lost piece that Jimmy mentioned, but Shona couldn’t understand why Maynard didn’t know where he’d put it. It was difficult to believe that he’d give it to slapdash Cerys to look after. Someone believed it was here though, either Jimmy or Maynard. She could imagine what Maynard would do to get it back, what Jimmy would do to look at it. They weren’t safe. She should take Jude and leave everyone to ransack the place and they could make do with whatever they left.
She imagined Jude, asleep with a hand flung across his head. She needed to allow him space to grow but she couldn’t leave him to face whatever was going to happen. She knew it was coming. But she also knew she wasn’t going to leave. This was her house, her daughters’ and her son’s. She would make them think it was gone and she would take her house back.
The least hard thing to do now was to strip the bed. Shona undressed the duvet and pillow and pulled the sheet from the bed, trying not to smell Cerys as it pinged away from the corners. She balled up the material and left it outside the door. The clean linen was on the chair which yesterday had been covered in clothes. Shona tried not to imagine that she was making the bed for Cerys, as she had when Cerys had spent a week away on a school trip or a night at a friend’s house. She was making the bed for herself. Or for Jude. For someone other than Cerys.
The bed made, she lay down on top of the duvet and kicked her shoes onto the floor. The main light lit up the inside of the windows but she could just see the movement of the tree outside. The radiators were clicking, cooling down for the night, and Shona closed her eyes, promising herself that she wouldn’t fall asleep. Jude wouldn’t wake up alone.
Her mind drifted.
She was pulled back from sleep by the sound of Kallu’s voice, at a slight distance. He must have got inside somehow, despite the locks. She froze. He was talking, so wouldn’t be in a trance, but how could he get in? She jumped up and ran to the landing, expecting to see him on the stairs. The stairs were lit by the streetlights, but there was no sign of him. She could still hear him, more faintly now.
She covered her mouth. He was talking to someone. Had he teamed up with Jimmy or one of the other men? Her hands grabbed the bannister. He couldn’t betray her. She backed up quietly and stood in front of Jude’s door. He was louder again, and she went back into Cerys’ room.
He wasn’t in her house. He was in the next room. He was in Amy’s bedroom. Shona looked at the wall, imagining the scene that would match the lilt of their words. The lack of the fire wall meant that she could almost hear them breathing. When the words stopped and the sounds started, she switched the light off and slammed Cerys’ door shut.
In the kitchen she took a deep breath and wiped her face with her sleeves. It would calm her to make another list. She put Aladdin Sane on, just loud enough to hide any noises from next door, took her notebook and turned to a fresh page. She kept getting distracted by the lyrics which all seemed to point to the sighs she couldn’t stop hearing.
She shook herself. A three-piece artwork. She tried to remember how far away Jimmy had spread his
hands when he described it and noted that down. Maynard must have hidden it somewhere, somewhere that he didn’t have control over, inside something that had been lost or moved or given away. The crib.
She pushed her chair back from the table and grabbed her phone. Jimmy answered with a curse.
‘Where did Maynard get this painting from, the one you said was missing?’
‘Bruges.’
She could hear him breathing heavily.
‘Why?’
She cleared her throat. She knew, but just wanted him to say it. ‘Definitely on our honeymoon?’
He held his breath. ‘You know, don’t you? You know where it is. Can I come round? Can I see it?’
‘I don’t have it here. I think I know what happened to it.’
‘Can you find it? I’ll pay, Shona, I’ll pay as much as you want. Can I come round now? Shona! Tell me where it is. I’ve been waiting years for this. Maynard told me it had gone, the fucker. I knew he was lying. I can be round in five minutes.’
His urgency was unnerving her. He was most likely one of, or responsible for, the people creeping around her garden and maybe her house. The connected lofts meant that there was easy access to her house from Amy’s, and Amy was in no state to suss out when she was being used. All that time spent on doors and locks and she should have been looking next door.
‘Shona?’
‘It’s not here. Let me think about it, Jimmy, OK? I don’t know if I want to find it.’
‘For fu—’
Shona pressed the red button. She returned to the table and opened up another book. Now she was in charge. She knew what no-one else did and everything would come to her. She could focus now.
The Devil in the Snow Page 21