Sage and Sweetgrass

by LoRee Peery

  Lanae was glad he sat near but confused enough she couldn’t quite relax.

  “It’s from my Uncle Ted, written to his mother.”

  “That’d be your grandmother, Juanita?”

  “Right. My grandmother must have finally given up, realized her son was never coming back, and hid the letters Katherine had written. My mom got the dresser after Grandma died. She may not have even known about the letters.”

  “But you’ve known about this one?”

  He gave her a shame-faced nod. “I had never heard of Katherine before you found the others, and to find out she loved my uncle and had met my grandmother, well, that was a lot to put together.”

  He picked up an unfolded, hand-written sheet of paper with fragile fold creases. “I can’t remember if I told you my grandfather Earl was an unpleasant sort. To put it mildly. World War II changed the man, turned him into an angry, abusive drunk.”

  “I thought we knew enough about one another that you could have trusted me with this letter earlier.”

  “Didn’t you ever have a secret?”

  Since he was confessing, she considered telling Sage more about her one-night stand.

  Now wasn’t the time. Maybe she didn’t trust him enough.

  “Uncle Ted had taken enough. He resolved to take no more beatings and at the same time protect the women in the family. In the heat of the moment, my uncle hit his own father four times with a broken ax handle. I tried to spare my daughter and grandson from the details of my grandfather’s cruelty. However, they need to know about their uncle, so I guess it’s time the whole story comes out in the open.”

  “Katherine surfaced. There’s a chance your uncle is still out there somewhere.” Nerve endings skittered throughout her body as Lanae began to read.

  Somewhere in Alaska

  July 1975

  My Dearest Mother,

  It’s been fifteen years, and I don’t know where to begin. You are a wise woman. No doubt you figured out the connection between his death and my disappearance.

  Like David in the Psalms, I can finally say I have discovered peace.

  God forgives.

  Now, I’m asking you to forgive me.

  For reasons known only to you, you loved my father.

  I hated him.

  You told me more times than I can count how much he had changed, that he hadn’t always been the way he was with us.

  I couldn’t stand it anymore. I’m a man. My body healed, but I’d had enough. And I wanted to free you all from his tyranny.

  The blows he gave your heart, did they ever heal?

  I caused you more hurt, I can only imagine. I so hope you can forgive me.

  It was an ugly scene on that Fourth of July. My mind snapped the way the ax handle had snapped after he wrestled it from my hands and slung it against the Old Packard.

  I got it away from him and pounded on him to get him to stop hurting us.

  I could stop him, that’s all I wanted. I never intended to kill him. I didn’t know what else to do. So I ran.

  My precious mother, I know that we will meet again in the great by and by.

  Your only son,

  Theodore

  P.S. “My hope is in you all day long,” Psalm 25:5.

  Lanae was thankful for the leather cushion beneath her. Her legs wouldn’t have held her had she been standing.

  16

  Live—because God gave me life.

  Soar—because God gives my soul wings.

  “Have you heard anything else from him?”

  Sage lowered his eyelids. His mouth frowned.

  Lanae’s heart pinched. She swallowed in reaction to all she saw in his face. Sorrow. Pain. Defeat. Hopelessness. He needed her. Could the Lord use her to lift his heart so he could live the way God wanted him to?

  “I have no idea what happened to him. Where he went. This is the only connection to Uncle Ted since that long-ago July Fourth when he disappeared.”

  “Your poor mother. Were you close to him, Sage?”

  “He was my mentor. My role model. Closer to me than my own father.”

  “Tell me something good you remember about your uncle.”

  “He loved me.”

  Lanae waited while he searched his memory.

  “I was four, maybe five. I fell down, tore a hole in my britches, and scraped my knee.” Sage chuckled.

  She loved the play of emotions that softened his face. He shook his head and grinned.

  “Ted said, ‘come here, and I’ll pick you up.’ When he knew I got it, that I was already standing up so he couldn’t pick me up, he broke up. He had a deep belly laugh, like his whole body was tickled.”

  “Haven’t you ever wondered if Ted is still alive?”

  “Of course. As much as I’ve wanted to try to find him, I’ve been a coward. I know there’s no statute of limitations on murder. If my uncle were found, he’d have to face the law in Nebraska, face the consequences. With no witnesses after all this time, could he claim self defense?” Sage slumped against the back of the sofa, scrubbed both hands over his face.

  Lanae leaned in close, circled her hand over his chest. They sat quiet for a few moments before she jerked up. “Sage, I think Kate Rawlins needs to know what happened.”

  When he drew a breath to speak, she felt the movement in her fingertips.

  “The more the merrier. I’ll have to tell Lezlie as well. It can’t be hidden forever. As for the truth coming out,” he scrubbed a weather-beaten hand through his hair and down his face, “I’ve wondered if I could be in trouble. For aiding and abetting or hiding evidence. Whatever. I pretty much have a tangible confession right here in my possession. I don’t know who it’s safe to tell.”

  ****

  Two hours later, Lanae was on her way home. Again.

  A storm raged inside every bit as fierce as the icy snow that had beat against the ranch house the afternoon before.

  She had interfered.

  Remorse was the only word that came to mind to describe how she felt after finding out the way Earl Tippin died.

  Maybe sorrow.

  She’d hurt Sage. And Lezlie and Jaxson.

  This was another instance where the past probably needed to stay in the past.

  In all of her searching to find the mysterious letter writer and recipient, had she ever prayed about it? If she had, it was no doubt flippant. And she hadn’t left the request with Jesus. She’d gone on her own and forced the issue.

  At the sight of a soaring eagle, her thoughts were drawn to Isaiah 40. She tried to keep her car on the road as she watched the tips of its wings where it sailed above the river. Its white head reflected gold where the rays of sun hit it just right.

  “Lord, forgive my impatience. Help me rest patiently as I gain new strength. Please help Sage rest in You as well, and remove his weariness. Enable him to mount up with wings of eagles.”

  When she could no longer see the eagle, she blinked to clear her vision. Unsure of what danced above the horizon, she blinked again. But it was indeed there. She was looking at a winter rainbow, dimly ethereal and pastel in the white western sky. Snow glistened in streams of sunlight at the same time. Who would believe it? She knew it was a sundog, the halo effect and bright spots of light radiating, but the rainbow spectacle stole her breath.

  “Oh, Lord, You are beyond compare. I’m weary from lack of sleep and convoluted feelings about Sage and where he’s coming from. You lift my heart like the wings of an eagle when I’m too weary for words. You place your rainbow symbol of promises kept, right there in the sky for humans to see. Whoever else sees this rainbow, please bless them. And, oh Lord, forgive me for not asking You to find Ted Tippin, if he is meant to be in Sage and Kate’s lives again.”

  She said thanks and amen and turned her car Kate Rawlins’ way rather than the alley behind Frivolities.

  Something in Kate drew Lanae. Maybe she empathized deeper because of the letters she’d read. Or maybe Katherine’s loss of Ted bro
ught to mind losing Keith.

  After Lanae greeted Kate with a hug, Kate said, “I don’t know why you’re being so nice to me. I’ve wasted my life. I’m an embarrassment to God, the way I turned so unhappy and bitter.”

  Lanae swiped at her empathetic tears that gathered and threatened to spill down her cheeks. “Kate, you’re not the only one with regrets. Let’s put on some hot water, and I’ll do a little confessing of my own.”

  “I’d like that. Not a confession, but your company over a hot drink. I don’t deserve your time.” Kate turned on the faucet.

  “We all deserve time and a second chance. God forgives us, so we need to forgive ourselves as well as others.”

  Kate sniffled, and motioned with her hand. “Have a seat at the table, and I’ll use the microwave.”

  Once Kate joined her, Lanae began, “I have something to tell you about your Ted. I’m trying to soak it in myself. It’s quite the story.”

  When Lanae finished explaining the contents of the letter from Alaska, Kate sat pale and shaken. Lanae reasoned it would take some time for Kate to absorb the whole thing. Her Ted, whom Katherine thought had abandoned her, had murdered his own father before disappearing.

  “Looks like I definitely need to spend time on my knees. Thank you for becoming a good friend. Now, did you say something about confessing?”

  Lanae let the hot cider sit, but cupped her hands around the warmth of the mug. “Who am I to pass judgment on your Ted? I did something stupid on the second anniversary of my husband’s death. Out of my head with grief, I railed at God. He never answered when I asked about a zillion times why Keith had been killed.”

  Just say it. Everyone has a past. “I had a one-night stand over twenty years ago. I drove to a tavern way out in the Sandhills boonies. For years, I buried that night so deep that it was like another woman had done the deed.”

  Kate placed her warm hand over Lanae’s forearm, stroked her twice.

  “For a while I was convinced that mistake was how I contracted the hepatitis C virus. I kept the secret. Way down deep I came to realize that I can forgive others because God has forgiven me much. Now He needs to forgive me for wanting something more out of life than I already have.”

  She blinked and managed a sad smile when Kate gave her arm a squeeze. Lanae continued. “I was a believer at the time, but I got caught in a moment of weakness. The guy had a deep, silky voice and a mustache to match. And that smile drove me wild. Every time he drawled, extra long, ‘Ma’aa’am,’ he sent me into orbit. Cowboys are my weakness. It’s strange, but I can’t remember his real name. Every time I recalled that night, fuzzy as it became over the years, I’d named him Cowboy Sam in my mind.”

  She’d asked for and received forgiveness a long time ago. But by telling Kate, it helped to sort out the details of what Sage had lived with. She knew it was against God’s nature to remember her sin. His grace covered her weakness, and Jesus paid for it. So even though sometimes it felt like her disease was a punishment, logically, Lanae knew it had nothing to do with her past sin but was merely a trial allowed by God to strengthen her faith.

  Kate stared down into her coffee then met Lanae’s gaze and started to speak. “I was bitter after being jilted, that Teddy left because of me, and now I’m so appalled to discover it was a mistake on my part. Now I regret that I took my misinterpretation out on everyone else. Look at my skewed thinking! I figured if I was meant to go through life miserable, then everyone else should be miserable too. You Frivolities women and your fulfilled lives rubbed me the wrong way. I treated you so poorly. I’m sorry for the wrong I’ve done your family, especially Moselle. When I saw her so in love with Eric, I was reminded of my own loss.”

  “Come on now, Kate. The Lord used it to His glory. Look how happy Moselle and Eric are now.”

  “Their love is one of the reasons for my bitterness over the years. A blind person could see how much Eric and Moselle loved each other when they were young. It hurt me so! Why couldn’t Ted and I share that kind of love?”

  Lanae blew a breath of pent-up air. “Know what you mean. I missed Keith something fierce after he died.”

  Kate went on as though Lanae hadn’t spoken. “I’d hear honeymoon stories and remember Teddy talking about taking me to white sandy beaches. Haven’t given that a thought in years. I’ve never seen a white sandy beach.”

  Lanae had the sense Kate held herself together by a thread. She didn’t interrupt Kate’s pause.

  “Well, I have to make it up somehow,” she stood abruptly. “Maybe I’ll become your best customer. I need to go back and choose a crocheted table runner for my great-niece.”

  “You know, I’m thinking of teaching Mia how to crochet. Would you like to learn?”

  “Now, what in the world would I make?”

  “Same things I do. I’ve made scarves for people and furniture, ecru bookmarks with white flowers for accent, cuddly critters for kids—from farm animals to teddy bears, rosettes, trims, granny square quilts, Christmas angels, stockings, trees, mittens, and slippers. In fact, I plan to make slippers for Mia since she hates to feels a seam in socks.”

  “Sounds like a load of yarn. I suppose I could crochet. Isn’t there some program where quilts are made for sick children in the hospital?”

  Lanae had to think of the day-to-day activities to keep her mind off Sage. “There is, and it’s an excellent idea. I crochet blankets for that project. Kate, if crocheting isn’t your cup of tea, maybe you can be influenced to make quilted blankets. The arthritis in Geneva’s hands is getting worse. I think she has varied designs in loose blocks waiting to be constructed—double T, tumbling blocks, Sunbonnet Sue, dahlia designs. Just waiting to be sewn into quilts.”

  “I can already quilt, at least by machine. When shall we start?”

  “How about tonight? And when you come, would you remind us we need to agree on Moselle’s menu for men who shop in the store?”

  ****

  Her mind raced as Lanae prepared for the Monday meeting. Her plan was to forgo the business aspect, which they could do later during inventory at the beginning of the year.

  She set a wickless pine-scented candle on the warmer and grabbed her cordless phone out of its base with her other hand. She called Moselle and Geneva to give them a heads-up that Kate was joining them for crafts.

  Moselle often gave in to her elders, but it was clear by her tone of voice, she wasn’t wild about the idea of Kate’s attendance.

  “God is in the business of giving second chances,” Lanae reminded her niece.

  Lanae pictured Moselle raising her brow and pursing her lips. Resignation came through in her answer. “See you soon, then.”

  What do I have in life if I don’t have faith? The belief God keeps His hand on me. He knew me before I was born. He’ll know me through eternity. He has a purpose for my life and every life He creates.

  But now Lanae doubted what exactly Sage had to do with her life. Maybe God had used her to bring the Tippin family secret to light and to mend the past. Having them meet Kate. Now wouldn’t that be something?

  Lanae began to wonder if living above Frivolities was God’s long-term plan for her life—her life as a chapter in God’s story. He knew the desires of her heart. She longed for a home in the country.

  But could she settle for just any old place? “My preference is a place that comes along with a cowboy named Sage.”

  A blast of cold air on her ankles hit her the same time as Geneva’s voice, “Don’t you lock this door? And are you talking to yourself again?”

  “Must have been talking so loud I didn’t hear you.”

  “Mia wanted to come up the outside stairs so the snow muffled our steps.”

  “Sorry I didn’t have them cleared.”

  “Hi, Aunt Lanae. I liked the snow on the steps.” Mia, wearing a mini granny-square scarf Lanae had crocheted, knocked her stocking cap off as she unwound the scarf from her neck.

  “See how she wears it under the collar
of her coat?” Geneva commented as she unzipped Mia’s coat. “She can’t stand the coat collar next to her skin.”

  Mia shrugged out of her coat and kicked off her boots.

  “Tags scratch my neck, too, sweetie,” Lanae said to Mia. Lanae gathered Mia and Geneva’s coats. She nudged Geneva in passing. “I see she’s not wearing socks yet.”

  “No way. Not even in the dead of winter. She claims they wrinkle, and she can feel the balled-up mess with every step.”

  “Well, I’ll have to do something about making her seamless slippers.”

  The phone interrupted their banter. Lanae bundled coats in one arm to pick up the handset with the other. Moselle. “Aunt Lanae, Kate called me to pick her up, so we’ll be a little late.”

  Lanae said another silent prayer that Kate would put things right with Moselle, for Kate’s sake. Moselle was making the effort to put the past behind her and forgive Kate. Since she and Eric were now married, what did Kate’s tongue matter? It may matter to Kate, who sought to be done with the past.

  Look who’s talking.

  The incident took place near the end of Moselle and Eric’s senior year of high school. They grew up together then fell in love. But Eric’s teen hormones kicked into gear and when Moselle wouldn’t give in to what he wanted, she got out and started to walk back to town in the wee hours. Eric picked her up, but Moselle wasn’t inside the house before Kate Rawlins, who was walking her dog, saw Moselle with a torn blouse.

  Lanae finished out loud, “But it was between those two.”

  “You’re talking to yourself again. What were you mumbling about when I came in?” Geneva asked.

  “Oh, trying to sort life out according to God’s plan. I don’t want to be like the old gal who lamented over all the things she would or wouldn’t do as she aged and looked back. If I had my life to live over again, I want no regrets. I want to know I was relaxed, playful, and even silly. I want to go out being known for having a life full of joy, for not getting hung up on the small stuff that didn’t matter a whit. I want to go out assured I hadn’t embarrassed my Jesus.”