Nothing Changes Love

by Jacqueline Baird

  Jake entered the room in a rush, full of apologies for the delay. ‘Sorry, darling, Lorraine and I were tied up on a conference call. You would not believe the inefficiency of the telecommunications here. We were disconnected half a dozen times.’ He frowned. ‘In today’s climate of recession, speed and efficiency are essential to sustain success.’

  Did it matter? she wondered bleakly as five minutes later she was comfortably seated in Jake’s car as he eased it out of the hospital gates.

  ‘Lorraine has arranged for Meg to come in every day for the next week or two.’ He shot her a quick sideways glance. ‘I don’t want you doing anything at all until you are completely recovered.’

  Lorraine seemed to be arranging an awful lot in her life lately, Lexi thought bitterly, and was stung into replying, ‘She needn’t have bothered. What is there to recover from? I’ve had a miscarriage, not lost a limb. In fact, the quicker I can get back into Reception and working, the better I’ll like it.’ Lexi knew she was being deliberately antagonistic, but she couldn’t help it. It was either anger or tears, and she had cried enough to last a lifetime.

  ‘Lexi, please. Lorraine was only trying to help, to make up for forgetting the message the other night. You’re in shock, you need...’

  ‘Jake,’ she cut in, ‘I know what I need and it is to get back to normal as quickly as possible. So please, just leave me alone.’ And she wished flaming Lorraine would vanish in a puff of smoke...

  The car came to an abrupt halt outside the entrance to their private wing. Jake turned towards her, his eyes narrowed faintly as they took in her pale, determined expression. ‘You need a rest.’ And before she could protest he had lifted her from the car and carried her into the house and up to their bedroom, and laid her gently on the bed.

  ‘The doctor told me to be prepared for rapid mood swings, darling, and you can complain as much as you like but you will do as I say,’ he commanded arrogantly, and then he leant over her and brushed his lips along her brow. ‘Is there anything you want?’

  Her baby back...but the words were never said as, wretched, she flopped back against the pillow, listless and lifeless. A faint sigh left her lips. ‘No, I’m fine. I’ll join you downstairs later.’

  ‘Good girl.’ He straightened, his dark eyes smiling compassionately down at her. ‘We will have other children, Lexi. We have plenty of time.’

  She managed a weak smile, but, for the first time since meeting Jake, she was actually relieved to see him leave the room.

  Meg, bless her, was all sympathy with Lexi as she woke her with a cup of tea and the information that dinner was almost ready. Lexi smiled weakly at the small, grey-haired woman who had been the daily at Forest Manor as long as she could remember.

  ‘Nothing ever seems to work right for me in this house, does it, Meg? My mother died here, my father, and now my baby. Maybe if I had stayed in London and never come back here I wouldn’t have lost my baby.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Meg said shortly. ‘Losing a baby has nothing to do with where one lives. You’re just clutching at straws, my girl. Now come on, up, dressed, and down, and look after that husband of yours. We don’t want that black-eyed witch latching on to him, now, do we?’

  Lexi chuckled. Meg’s opinion of Jake’s PA was on a par with her own. The woman might be tall and sophisticated and a brilliant businesswoman, but she gave Lexi the creeps, and, even though Jake denied any involvement with her, Lexi had a suspicion that it wasn’t for the want of trying by Lorraine...

  Sitting at the dinner-table half an hour later with Jake and Lorraine was hardly a relaxing experience. Although Jake made a great effort to keep the conversation flowing, Lexi found it increasingly difficult to answer in anything but monosyllables, until the other two began discussing a Docklands development Jake was involved in, and Lexi was no longer required to speak at all.

  Lorraine, as if forgetting Lexi’s presence altogether, became quite explicit. ‘Really, Jake, you have to decide if you want the deal and go for it. A conference call is not going to do the trick. You’ll have to be in London tomorrow at the latest.’

  ‘Not now, Lorraine.’ Jake said curtly, shooting the dark woman a warning glance, and, turning to Lexi, added, ‘I’m staying here. Don’t worry, darling.’

  ‘Please, Jake,’ Lexi pleaded softly, she could sense the undercurrent in the air there was something going on she knew nothing about, and right at the moment she did not care. ‘I’ll be OK with Meg, in fact I think I would like to be on my own for a while. If you’re needed in London I really think you should go.’

  ‘No way.’ He reached across the table and caught her small hand in his. ‘You need me.’

  The tenderness in his gaze was almost Lexi’s undoing, her lips began to tremble but with a great effort of will she pulled her hand free. ‘I’d rather you went, honestly, Jake.’

  ‘That’s settled, then.’ Lorraine spoke up. ‘You’re being over-protective, Jake. I’ll get back to London after dinner and set up a meeting for tomorrow.’

  Jake’s dark eyes caught Lexi’s, a query in their depths. ‘You’ve had a very traumatic emotional experience; you need my support.’

  His support was a little late in coming, Lexi thought bitterly. He had barely mentioned their child. It had been a boy. Did Jake know that? She had no idea. The same as she had no idea what perverse sense of justice was motivating her angry resentment.

  Lexi looked into her husband’s dark, serious face and wanted to reach out to him and beg him to stay, hold her, comfort her, but somewhere deep inside she felt an aching guilt. It was her fault she had lost their baby; she did not deserve the tender loving care in his eyes; she had failed him in the one thing a woman should give her husband, and, because of that, the very least she could do by recompense was not get in the way of his business. She glanced across at Lorraine and saw the impatience in the other woman’s eyes.

  ‘Really, Jake. Lexi has only had a miscarriage. It happens to women every day and they get over it. In fact, it might be a blessing in disguise. We are going to be frightfully busy over the next few months. You wouldn’t have much time for a child just now. Next year would be much better.’

  Lexi couldn’t believe the insensitivity of Lorraine, but she did catch a glimpse of something that looked very much like relief in her husband’s eyes, just before he exploded.

  ‘For God’s sake, Lorraine. Keep your bloody opinions to yourself,’ Jake swore violently. ‘You might be a brilliant businesswoman, but in the feminine stakes we both know you’re a non-starter. Can’t you see you’re upsetting Lexi? How can you be so heartless? It was my child as well...’

  ‘Sorry-y.’ Lorraine drawled and, pushing back her chair left the table. ‘If I’m driving back to London tonight, I’d better get started. Give me a ring at home later and tell me what you decide.’ And she left the room.

  Lexi, with head bowed, pushed the remains of her chicken chasseur around her plate, too choked to speak. She felt a hard hand curve around her shoulder and looked up. Jake had walked around behind her and was leaning over her.

  ‘I’m sorry, Lexi. Ignore Lorraine. She’s a great PA but home and family are of no importance to her. She doesn’t mean to be callous, she just doesn’t think unless it is business... Come on, I’ll take you back upstairs.

  ‘I can manage on my own.’

  ‘I know, darling, but indulge me, hmmm?’ And lifting her to her feet he swung her up into his strong arms, his deep blue eyes riveted on her own. ‘I don’t like feeling helpless, Lexi, and losing our baby has left me that way.’

  She felt the tears fill her eyes. Jake was hurting just the same as her, and she made no demur when he carried her back to the bedroom.

  Gently he let her slide down the long length of him, linking his arms behind her back and holding her steady against his hard body for a long moment. She let her head drop against his chest and felt the firm, steady beat of his heart beneath her cheek, and found it oddly reassuring.


  ‘I’ll always be here for you, Lexi, you know that, don’t you?’

  She raised her face to his. ‘Yes. Yes, I know, but Lorraine is right. I’ll be fine; your business is important in London, please go.’ And, forcing a smile to her soft lips, she teased, ‘After all, you will only be a telephone call away, and surely British Telecom can get a single call right.’

  ‘Shhh, sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere.’ His dark head swooped and his firm lips covered hers in a gentle kiss. ‘Everything will work out,’ he murmured against her mouth. ‘But now get into bed, and rest. I’ll join you later.’

  Lexi turned away and, slipping out of her clothes, she headed for the bathroom. Everything would work out. Jake had said so...but somehow, for the first time since her marriage, she wasn’t quite so sure.

  A couple of hours later, Lexi woke from a light, troubled doze to the sight of Jake striding across the room from the bathroom, completely naked. Her violet eyes slid over his hard-muscled body almost with dislike. He was perfect, so alive, all virile male, but her son was dead and she felt a failure.

  When he slid into bed beside her and drew her into his arms, she didn’t offer any resistance, needing his protective embrace, until she realised, with something very like disgust as he folded her into the heat of his body, a hard thigh over her slender limbs, that he was sexually aroused. She pushed him away with an angry snort. ‘My God, Jake. How can you?’

  ‘Hush, Lexi, I don’t want to do anything, just hold you, but you know you always have this effect on me. You don’t have to do anything: a look, a smile, you just have to be there and my body reacts...and it has been a few empty nights without you,’ he drawled softly, adding, ‘Just lie still and soon I’ll relax.’

  She tilted her small head back and looked up into his shadowy features, barely visible in the moon’s silvery light beaming through the window. His dark eyes burned down into hers, a sensual, teasing gleam in their indigo depths. ‘Unless, of course, you want to help me relax,’ he murmured throatily, kissing her softly parted lips.

  She knew exactly what he meant; until she had become pregnant they had enjoyed a full, totally erotic sensual relationship. He had taught her everything she knew about sex and also how to please him, but in the circumstances she found it distasteful, and, pushing herself out of his arms, she slid to the far side of the bed.

  ‘My God! Surely you can control your insatiable appetite for once? You disgust me.’ She felt the instant tension in his large body at her words but she didn’t care if she had hurt him. She was hurting too much herself.

  ‘I was only teasing, Lexi, trying to cheer you up. This is as hard for me as it is for you, darling, and I don’t know how to handle it.’

  ‘Try using the spare bedroom,’ she said curtly. ‘I need my sleep.’

  ‘Do you mean that?’ He sat up in bed, his hands grasping her slender shoulders and pinning her to the bed. ‘Is that really what you want? You know I’ll do anything to make it easier for you.’

  It wasn’t what she wanted; she wanted to be held in his arms and sleep with her head on his chest, have him tell her how much he loved her, tell her it wasn’t her fault they had lost the baby, but she couldn’t say any of those things. Instead, in a small, tight voice, she looked straight up into his puzzled eyes and said, ‘Yes, I would prefer to be alone, if you don’t mind.’ She noticed the flash of pain in his expression before he quickly controlled it.

  ‘Dr Bell said to pamper you, so all right.’ His dark head lowered and she knew he was going to kiss her but deliberately she turned her head away and his lips brushed her cheek. ‘Goodnight, darling,’ he said softly. She felt him leave the bed and a few seconds’ silence before the door closed with a soft thump.

  What had she done? And why? She didn’t know. The huge bed was lonely without Jake, and slowly the tears trickled down her cheeks. She didn’t recognise the person she had become, and, as she sank into an exhausted sleep, her tired mind gave up trying to find an answer.

  * * *

  Over the next few weeks, Lexi seemed to move through the days in a world of her own. Oh, she functioned all right on a purely practical level, but on an emotional level she was numb, haunted by guilt because she had lost the child. Not even Jake could get through to her.

  The first morning back at Forest Manor, he had been all concern, refusing to leave for London, until on the Wednesday evening he insisted on taking her out to dinner, trying to cheer her up. They dined at Number 19 Grape Lane in York, the first place they had ever shared a meal together, but the exquisite food tasted like sawdust in her mouth, and she heaved a sigh of relief when Jake finally suggested returning home.

  As she slipped her nightdress over her head, a soft confection of satin and lace, Jake walked into the bedroom. She lifted her head, and eyed him across the wide expanse of the large bed. He was fresh from the shower, his dark hair slicked back across his proud head, his body gleaming golden, naked except for a short white towel slung around his hips, his long sinewy legs planted slightly apart. He looked like every woman’s dream of a lover, but to Lexi he appeared as a threat to her blessed numb state. She watched wary-eyed as he walked around the bed to stand in front of her.

  His strong hands curved around her upper arms and he eased her towards him. ‘Lexi, we have to talk. You’ve slept alone long enough; it’s becoming a habit.’

  She tensed her body rigid in his hold.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong, sweetheart. I know it is too soon for lovemaking.’

  ‘How thoughtful,’ she snapped curtly.

  ‘Give me some credit, Lexi, but you have to understand, separate beds are not the answer to your problem. You need care and comfort.’ His dark head bent towards her.

  ‘Not now,’ she said starkly, and watched as Jake’s proud head reared back.

  ‘Then when, Lexi? You hardly talk any more.’

  ‘I do, I worked in Reception today for a couple of hours, and thoroughly enjoyed it.’ And she had. Jake had been working in his study and she had walked through to the hotel just as a party of French tourists arrived. She had felt quite animated for a while, getting back to work.

  ‘You can talk to strangers, but not to your husband?’ he queried silkily, his mask of concern slipping to reveal his frustration. ‘For God’s sake, Lexi, you have to snap out of it.’ His fingers dug into her flesh and she winced, her head lifting fractionally in time to catch the flare of frightening anger in his dark eyes, quickly controlled.

  ‘It’s hard, I know, Lexi, but we have to try and forget. When I first met you the one thing I noticed, above your beauty and your voluptuous little body—’ his dark eyes swept lingeringly over her from head to toe and then back to her upturned face ‘—was your eager appetite for life, your vibrancy; don’t let this one set-back knock all the life out of you. I want my wife back as she was. I want us to get back to normal as quickly as possible,’ he declared frustratedly.

  ‘If what you say is true,’ she opined with remarkable calm, considering his naked chest was scraping gently against the delicate fabric of her nightgown over her softly rounded breasts, ‘I think you should return to London tomorrow. After all, for the past couple of months you’ve worked in the city all week, only returning home at weekends. That’s normal for us.’ Her huge violet eyes held his gaze and she watched his eyes darken almost to jet, feeling the tension in his hard body. She thought she heard him murmur, ‘I need you,’ but she must have been mistaken as, with a faint sigh, Jake slid his hands up her throat and cupped her small face.

  ‘Yes, whatever you want.’ And, holding her head steady, he closed his firm, sensuous mouth over hers in a hard, possessive kiss. He straightened abruptly. ‘And God knows the business certainly needs me, even if you don’t.’ And he left, a defeated slant to his broad shoulders.

  After that night, Jake returned to the London apartment and his head office, and Lexi slipped into a regular routine: she worked a few hours every day in Reception, and at weekends Jake returned
home.

  He took her out for dinner, and to the theatre in York; he even insisted on them spending a day at Castle Howard, but nothing could snap her out of her lethargy, and the separate bedrooms remained... Meg tried as well, warning her that she was a fool to leave her husband alone with the lovely Lorraine all week—she was just asking for trouble. But Lexi refused to listen. If Jake slept with Lorraine, it was no more than she had always suspected, she told herself, and refused to admit there was anything wrong.

  She worked, didn’t she? So what if she was a bit quiet? Surely it was allowed after all she had suffered. And she wrapped her grief around her like a shroud.

  * * *

  Lexi opened her eyes slowly and turned over in the large bed, just for a second she felt a pang of something like regret that Jake’s hard masculine body wasn’t there beside her. She sighed deeply and, pushing the tangled mass of her flame-coloured hair from her small face, she stretched and sat up. She looked around the room. A few short months ago, when the renovations were first finished, this room had been her pride and joy; she had chosen the decoration, a soft blend of peaches and cream saved from being too feminine by the heavy antique mahogany furniture. The summer sun streamed through the window, dancing into every little nook and cranny. It was a gorgeous summer day, and then she remembered the date—it was a Wednesday, her day for a check-up with Dr Bell, but also it was the day before her first wedding anniversary.

  Dr Bell took one look at her and demanded to know what was wrong. Lexi broke down and told him: her guilt over losing the baby, her distaste for sex, even her suspicion that Jake was having an affair with Lorraine. Three hours later, after much good advice, such as ‘try taking a holiday’, Lexi found herself sitting on the afternoon train heading for London, and Jake.

  She watched the patchwork of the countryside sliding past the carriage window in the hot summer sun and she felt as if she had awakened from a long sleep. Not so much sleep as nightmare, she admitted ruefully. Dear Dr Bell had explained everything: she had been suffering from hormonal depression and the fact that she had lost the baby and was consumed with guilt about it had made her worse, prone to suspicion, irrational... But once the doctor had convinced her it was a quite common reaction to a miscarriage, she had suddenly felt rejuvenated.