Bloodsucking Fiends ls-1

by Christopher Moore

  Scott was not letting go of the sleeve, not as long as Tommy was standing. "Help me," Tommy said. "Pry him off."

  Jody looked for a place on the turtle to grab — reached out and pulled back several times. "I don't want to touch him."

  The phone rang.

  "I'll get it," Jody said, running out of the bathroom.

  Tommy dragged Scott to the doorway, keeping his feet safely away from Zelda's jaws. "I forgot to tell you…"

  "Hello," Jody said into the phone. "Oh, hi, Mom."

  Chapter 23

  Mom and Terrapin Pie

  "She's in town," Jody said. "She's coming over in a few minutes." Jody lowered the phone to its cradle.

  Tommy appeared in the bedroom doorway, Scott still dangling from his sleeve. "You're kidding."

  "You're missing a cufflink," Jody said.

  "I don't think he's going to let go. Do we have any scissors?"

  Jody took Tommy by the sleeve a few inches above where Scott was clamped. "You ready?"

  Tommy nodded and she ripped his sleeve off at the shoulder. Scott skulked into the bedroom, the sleeve still clamped in his jaws.

  "That was my best shirt," Tommy said, looking at his bare arm.

  "Sorry, but we've got to clean this place up and get a story together."

  "Where did she call from?"

  "She was at the Fairmont Hotel. We've got maybe ten minutes."

  "So she won't be staying with us."

  "Are you kidding? My mother under the same roof where people are living in sin? Not in this lifetime, turtleboy."

  Tommy took the turtleboy shot in stride. This was an emergency and there was no time for hurt feelings. "Does you mother use phrases like 'living in sin'?"

  "I think she has it embroidered on a sampler over the telephone so she won't forget to use it every month when I call."

  Tommy shook his head. "We're doomed. Why didn't you call her this month? She said you always call her."

  Jody was pacing now, trying to think. "Because I didn't get my reminder."

  "What reminder?"

  "My period. I always call her when I get my period each month — just to get all the unpleasantness out of the way at one time."

  "When was the last time you had a period?"

  Jody thought for a minute. It was before she had turned. "I don't know, eight, nine weeks. I'm sorry, I can't believe I forgot."

  Tommy went to the futon, sat down, and cradled his head in his hands. "What do we do now?"

  Jody sat next to him. "I don't suppose we have time to redecorate."

  In the next ten minutes, while they cleaned up the loft, Jody tried to prepare Tommy for what he was about to experience. "She doesn't like men. My father left her for a younger woman when I was twelve, and Mother thinks all men are snakes. And she doesn't really like women either, since she was betrayed by one. She was one of the first women to graduate from Stanford, so she's a bit of a snob about that. She says that I broke her heart when I didn't go to Stanford. It's been downhill since then. She doesn't like that I live in the City and she has never approved of any of my jobs, my boyfriends, or the way I dress."

  Tommy stopped in the middle of scrubbing the kitchen sink. "So what should I talk about?"

  "It would probably be best if you just sat quietly and looked repentant."

  "That's how I always look."

  Jody heard the stairwell door open. "She's here. Go change your shirt."

  Tommy ran to the bedroom, stripping off his one-sleever as he went. I'm not ready for this, he thought. I have more work to do on myself before I'm ready for a presentation.

  Jody opened the door catching her mother poised to knock.

  "Mom!" Jody said, with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. "You look great."

  Frances Evelyn Stroud stood on the landing looking at her youngest daughter with restrained disapproval. She was a short, stout woman dressed in layers of wool and silk under an eggshell cashmere coat. Her hair was a woven gray-blond, flared and lacquered to expose a pair of pearl earrings roughly the size of Ping-Pong balls. Her eyebrows had been plucked away and painted back, her cheekbones were high and highlighted, her lips lined, filled, and clamped tight. She had the same striking green eyes as her daughter, flecked now with sparks of judgment. She had been pretty once but was now passing into the limbo-land of the menopausal woman known as handsome.

  "May I come in," she said.

  Jody, caught in the half-gesture of offering a hug, dropped her arms. "Of course," she said, stepping aside. "It's good to see you," she said, closing the door behind her mother.

  Tommy bounded from the bedroom into the kitchen and slid to a stop on stocking feet. "Hi," he said.

  Jody put her hand on her mother's back. Frances flinched, ever so slightly, at the touch. "Mother, this is Thomas Flood. He's a writer. Tommy, this is my mother, Frances Stroud."

  Tommy approached Frances and offered his hand. "Pleased to meet you…"

  She clutched her Gucci bag tightly, then forced herself to take his hand. "Mrs. Stroud," she said, trying to head off the unpleasantness of hearing her Christian name come out of Tommy's mouth.

  Jody broke the moment of discomfort so they could pass into the next one. "So, Mom, can I take your coat? Would you like to sit down?"

  Frances Stroud surrendered her coat to her daughter as if she were surrendering her credit cards to a mugger, as if she didn't want to know where it was going because she would never see it again. "Is this your couch?" she asked, nodding toward the futon.

  "Have a seat, Mother; we'll get you something to drink. We have…" Jody realized that she had no idea what they had. "Tommy, what do we have?"

  Tommy wasn't expecting the questions to start so soon. "I'll look," he said, running to the kitchen and throwing open a cabinet. "We have coffee, regular and decaf." He dug behind the coffee, the sugar, the powdered creamer. "We have Ovaltine, and…" He threw open the refrigerator. "Beer, milk, cranberry juice, and beer — a lot of beer — I mean, not a lot, but plenty, and…" He opened the chest freezer. Peary stared up at him through a gap between frozen dinners. Tommy slammed the lid."… that's it. Nothing in there."

  "Decaf, please," said Mother Stroud. She turned to Jody, who was returning from balling up her mother's cashmere coat and throwing it in the corner of the closet. "So, you've left your job at Transamerica. Are you working, dear?"

  Jody sat in a wicker chair across the wicker coffee table from her mother. (Tommy had decided to decorate the loft in a Pier 1 Imports cheap-shit motif. As a result it was only a ceiling fan and a cockatoo away from looking like a Thai cathouse.)

  Jody said, "I've taken a job in marketing." It sounded respectable. It sounded professional. It sounded like a lie.

  "You might have told me and saved me the embarrassment of calling Transamerica only to find out that you had been let go."

  "I quit, Mother. I wasn't let go."

  Tommy, trying to will himself invisible, bowed his way between them to deliver the decaf, which he had arranged on a wicker tray with cream and sugar. "And you, Mr. Flood, you're a writer? What do you write?"

  Tommy brightened. "I'm working on a short story about a little girl growing up in the South. Her father is on a chain gang."

  "You're from the South, then?"

  "No, Indiana."

  "Oh," she said, as if he had just confessed to being raised by rats. "And where did you go to university?"

  "I, um, I'm sort of self-educated. I think experience is the best teacher." Tommy realized that he was sweating.

  "I see," she said. "And where might I read your work?"

  "I'm not published yet." He squirmed. "I'm working on it, though," he added quickly.

  "So you have another job. Are you in marketing as well?"

  Jody intervened. She could see steam rising off Tommy. "He manages the Marina Safeway, Mother." It was a small lie, nothing compared to the tapestry of lies she had woven for her mother over the years.

  Mother S
troud turned a scalpel gaze on her daughter. "You know, Jody, it's not too late to apply to Stanford. You'd be a bit older than the other freshmen, but I could pull a few strings."

  How does she do this? Jody wondered. How does she come into my home and within minutes make me feel like dirt on a stick? Why does she do it?

  "Mother, I think I'm beyond going back to school."

  Mother Stroud picked up her cup as if to sip, then paused. "Of course, dear. You wouldn't want to neglect your career and family."

  It was a verbal sucker punch delivered with polite, extended-pinky malice. Jody felt something drop inside her like cyanide pellets into acid. Her guilt dropped through the gallows' trap and jerked with broken-neck finality. She regretted only the ten thousand sentences she had started with, "I love my mother, but…" You do that so people don't judge you cold and inhuman, Jody thought. Too late now.

  She said, "Perhaps you're right, Mother. Perhaps if I had gone to Stanford I would understand why I wasn't born with an innate knowledge of cooking and cleaning and child-rearing and managing a career and a relationship. I've always wondered if it's lack of education or genetic deficiency."

  Mother Stroud was unshaken. "I can't speak for your father's genetic background, dear."

  Tommy was grateful that Mother Stroud's attention had turned from him, but he could see Jody's gaze narrowing, going from hurt to anger. He wanted to come to her aid. He wanted to make peace. He wanted to hide in the corner. He wanted to wade in and kick ass. He weighed his polite upbringing against the anarchists, rebels, and iconoclasts who were his heroes. He could eat this woman alive. He was a writer and words were his weapons. She wouldn't have a chance. He'd destroy her.

  And he would have. He was taking a deep breath to prepare to light into her when he saw a swath of denim disappearing slowly under the frame of the futon: his dismembered shirt sleeve. He held his breath and looked at Jody. She was smiling, saying nothing.

  Mother Stroud said, "Your father was at Stanford on an athletic scholarship, you know. They would have never let him in otherwise."

  "I'm sure you're right, Mother," Jody said. She smiled politely, listening not to her mother, but to the melodic scraping of turtle claws on carpet. She focused on the sound and could hear the slow, cold lugging of Scott's heart.

  Mother Stroud sipped her decaf. Tommy waited. Jody said, "So how long will you be in the City?"

  "I just came up to do some shopping. I'm sponsoring a benefit for the Monterey Symphony and I wanted a new gown. Of course I could have found something in Carmel, but everyone would have seen it already. The bane of living in a small community."

  Jody nodded as if she understood. She had no connection to this woman, not anymore. Frances Evelyn Stroud was a stranger, an unpleasant stranger. Jody felt more of a connection with the turtle under the futon.

  Under the futon, Scott spotted a pattern of scales on Mother Stroud's shoes. He'd never seen Italian faux-alligator pumps, but he knew scales. When you are lying peacefully buried in the muck at the bottom of a pond and you see scales, it means food. You bite.

  Frances Stroud shrieked and leaped to her feet, pulling her right foot free of her shoe as she fell into the wicker coffee table. Jody caught her mother by the shoulders and set her on her feet. Frances pushed her away and backed across the room as she watched the snapping turtle emerge from under the futon merrily chomping on the pump.

  "What is that? What is that thing? That thing is eating my shoe. Stop it! Kill it!"

  Tommy hurdled the futon and dived for the turtle, catching the heel of the shoe before it disappeared. Scott dug his claws into the carpet and backed off. Tommy came up with heel in hand.

  "I got part of it."

  Jody went to her mother's side. "I meant to call the exterminator, Mother. If I'd had more notice…"

  Mother Stroud was breathing in outraged yips. "How can you live like this?"

  Tommy held the heel out to her.

  "I don't want that. Call me a cab."

  Tommy paused, considered the opportunity, then let it pass and went to the phone.

  "You can't go out without shoes, Mother. I'll get you something to wear." Jody went to the bedroom and came back with her rattiest pair of sneakers. "Here, Mom, these will get you back to the hotel."

  Mother Stroud, afraid to sit down anywhere, leaned against the door and stepped into the sneakers. Jody tied them for her and slipped the uneaten pump into her mother's bag. "There you go." She stepped back. "Now, what are we going to do for the holidays?"

  Mother Stroud, her gaze trained on Scott, just shook her head. The turtle had wedged himself between the legs of the coffee table and was dragging it around the loft.

  A cab pulled up outside and beeped the horn. Mother Stroud tore her gaze away from the turtle and looked at her daughter. "I'll be in Europe for the holidays. I have to go now." She opened the door and backed out through it.

  "'Bye, Mom," Jody said.

  "Nice meeting you, Mrs. Stroud," Tommy called after her.

  When the cab pulled away, Tommy turned to Jody and said, "Well, that went pretty well, didn't it? I think she likes me."

  Jody was leaning against the door, staring at the floor. She looked up and began to giggle silently. Soon she was doubled over laughing.

  "What?" Tommy said.

  Jody looked up at him, tears streaming her face. "I think I'm ready to meet your folks, don't you?"

  "I don't know. They might be sort of upset that you're not a Methodist."

  Chapter 24

  The Return of Breakfast

  The Emperor lay spread-eagle on the end of a dock in the Saint Francis Yacht Club Marina, watching clouds pass over the bay. Bummer and Lazarus lay beside him, their feet in the air, dozing. The three might have been crucified there, if the dogs hadn't been smiling.

  "Men," the Emperor said, "it seems to me now that there is, indeed, a point to that Otis Redding song about sitting on the dock of the bay. After a long night of vampire hunting, this is a most pleasant way to spend the day. Bummer, I believe a commendation is in order. When you led us down here, I thought you were wasting our time."

  Bummer did not answer. He was dreaming of a park full of large trees and bite-sized mailmen. His legs twitched and he let out a sleepy ruff each time he crunched one of their tiny heads. In dreams, mailmen taste like chicken.

  The Emperor said, "But pleasant as this is, it tastes of guilt, of responsibility. Two months tracking this fiend, and we are no closer to finding him than when we started. Yet here we lay, enjoying the day. I can see the faces of the victims in these clouds."

  Lazarus rolled over and licked the Emperor's hand.

  "You're right, Lazarus, without sleep we will not be fit for battle. Perhaps, in leading us here, Bummer was wiser than we thought."

  The Emperor closed his eyes and let the sound of waves lapping against the piers lull him to sleep.

  Lying at anchor, a hundred yards away, was a hundred-foot motor yacht registered in the Netherlands. Belowdecks, in a watertight stainless steel vault, the vampire slept through the day.

  Tommy had been asleep for an hour when pounding on the door downstairs woke him. In the darkness of the bedroom he nudged Jody, but she was out for the day. He checked his watch: 7:30 A.M.

  The loft rocked with the pounding. He crawled out of bed and stumbled to the door in his underwear. The morning light spilling though the loft's windows temporarily blinded him and he barked his shin on the corner of the freezer on his way through the kitchen.

  "I'm coming," he yelled. It sounded as if they were using a hammer on the door.

  He did a Quasimodo step and slid down the stairs, holding his damaged shin in one hand, and cracked the downstairs door. Simon peeked through the crack. Tommy could see a ball-peen hammer in his hand, poised for another pound.

  Simon said, "Pardner, we need to have us a sit-down."

  "I'm sleeping, Sime. Jody's sleeping."

  "Well, you're up now. Wake up the little
woman, we need breakfast."

  Tommy opened the door a little wider and saw Drew dazzling a stoned and goofy grin behind Simon. "Fearless Leader!"

  All the Animals were there, holding grocery bags, waiting.

  Tommy thought, This is how Anne Frank felt when the Gestapo came to the door.

  Simon pushed through the door, causing Tommy to hop back a step to avoid having his toes skinned. "Hey."

  Simon looked at Tommy's erection-stretched jockey shorts. "That just a morning wood, or you in the middle of something?"

  "I told you, I was sleeping."

  "You're young, it could still grow some. Don't feel bad."

  Tommy looked down at his insulted member as Simon breezed past him up the stairs, followed by the rest of the Animals. Glint and Lash stopped and helped Tommy to his feet.

  "I was sleeping," Tommy said pathetically. "It's my day off."

  Lash patted Tommy's shoulder. "I'm cutting class today. We thought you needed moral support."

  "For what? I'm fine."

  "Cops came by the store last night looking for you. We wouldn't give them your address or anything."

  "Cops?" Tommy was waking up now. He could hear beers being popped open in the loft. "What did the cops want with me?"

  "They wanted to see your time cards. They wanted to see if you were working on a bunch of nights. They wouldn't say why. Simon tried to distract them by accusing me of leading a black terrorist group."

  "That was nice of him."

  "Yeah, he's a sweetheart. He told that new cashier, Mara, that you were in love with her but were too shy to tell her."

  "Forgive him," Clint said piously. "He knows not what he does."

  Simon popped out onto the landing. "Flood, did you drug this bitch? She won't wake up."

  "Stay out of the bedroom!" Tommy shook off Lash and Clint and ran up the stairs.

  Cavuto chewed an unlit cigar. "I say we go to the kid's house and lean on him."

  Rivera looked up from a stack of green-striped computer printout. "Why? He was working when all the murders happened."