Wrecked and Yours

by James, CeeCee

  “I’m going to be honest, Cassie. I don’t know if I can explain what happened. I had to seek help and still don’t understand it, myself,” Miranda started.

  Cassie looked away and pressed her lips together. “Well, you owe me something. You left for nearly two years.”

  Miranda’s ears roared, and the urge seized her to run out the door. I knew this would happen. I can’t make up for what I did. She took another deep breath.

  Cassie raised her eyebrow. “Well?”

  “The day Uncle Stew died,” Miranda began. “I’d received an acceptance letter to SPU. I thought I was finally going to get my chance.” She swallowed. “You know how I’d been waitressing at the Chicken Hutt for four years. You were a senior in high school, and doing great. I was so proud of you.” She smiled at her sister. “Soccer, friends, good grades, you had it all. You had Uncle Stew, Laura, and Jason.” Here, she glanced at Jason, who was absorbed with the heart monitor and refused to meet her eye. She blinked hard and looked down. “I applied to a few colleges. At first I never dreamed of getting in, but then I was so freaking excited about the possibility. To finally get a chance for something I wanted, and not be responsible for anyone else. To be free.” Her eyes stung. “I’m sorry. I know that sounds terrible. But then, when Uncle Stew died, I knew I could never leave you.”

  Cassie snorted sarcastically.

  Miranda’s heart ached to see the distrust, and hurt in her sister’s face. “And I did anyway.” She sighed. “Cassie, I can’t expect you to accept what I don’t even understand myself. I can only explain it like a prison of claustrophobia. Everywhere I went, the store, the gas station, people stopped me to ask how I was going to take care of you now.”

  “The wake at the Elk Club was the worst.” Miranda covered her face with her hands at the memory. “So many of Uncle Stew’s friends came around me, telling me how sad they were for me. I started to have flashbacks of Dad’s funeral. I ended up running for the bathroom. My chest was so tight, I couldn’t take a full breath. The bathroom was crowded with women. Their perfume, their cloying words.” She wrinkled her nose. “I just wanted to get away as fast as I could.” She paused to take in a deep breath, half in memory of the smothering sensation. “I guess I was having a panic attack. Anyway, I ran outside looking for a place to escape.”

  Cassie and Jason watched her silently.

  “There was a guy there, the son of one of Uncle Stew’s friends.” Miranda stopped and licked her lips. “It was just a stupid thing. He’d been drinking at the wake, and came stumbling towards me. I was standing in the back, you know, where the garden shed was. He had a cigarette.” Miranda shook her head with a sarcastic laugh. “Asked me for a light. I told him I didn’t have one. He pushed me against the shed to kiss me. I tried to get away, but he kept pulling me back. Then I stomped on his instep. As soon as his mouth was off of mine I screamed. He called me a dirty name, but I ran. I ran all the way home.”

  The hospital room was so quiet that when the blood pressure cuff went off the three of them jumped. Miranda stood up and walked over to the table for the box of tissues. She wiped her face and returned to the chair.

  “You should have told us,” Cassie said.

  “I would have killed him,” Jason growled.

  “He was just some drunk guy. Any other time I would have shoved him off, but this night it took me back to Dad’s funeral.” Miranda’s face flushed with guilt. “I…I feel like it’s my fault Dad died.”

  “Miranda! It is not!” Cassie gasped.

  “I’ve never told you.” Miranda covered her face again with her hands. “Uncle Vince did something worse two days before Dad died. I’d told Dad about it, and he was on his way to confront our uncle when he had his car accident.” Tears leaked out from under Miranda’s hands.

  “It’s not your fault.” Cassie touched her sister’s hair. “Look at me.” Miranda lifted her head but covered her face with her hands, too ashamed to make eye contact. “Miranda!”

  “I couldn’t let Uncle Vince ever have a chance to hurt you.” Miranda whispered. “That’s why we ran that night. But I’ve felt guilty ever since.” She wiped the balled-up tissue under her eyes. “I don’t know if that contributed, but when I got back to Uncle Stew’s house after his wake, I wasn’t in my right mind. All I could think about was that I had to get out of there. I felt like I was going to explode. I told myself I’d just needed a break, just a week or so. Just some time to figure this out. I knew Jason would take care of you, and that you had Laura, school. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and I was stupidly telling myself you’d be better off without me. The next thing I knew I was on my way to Seattle.”

  “When I texted you that night”—Miranda met her sister’s eyes— “you said that you were moving in with Laura. And I just let myself believe that, believe that you were okay.”

  She picked at the polish on her thumbnail, and shook her head. “Deep down inside, I knew you weren’t okay. But by then I was too ashamed to come back. I couldn’t face you both. The depression and failure overcame me.”

  Her vision blurred, as tears trickled down her face. “I’d screwed up in the worst way possible. I can never say I’m sorry enough.”

  Jason stood watching them.

  Cassie leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes.

  “I’m sorry Cassie,” Miranda whispered. “No matter what it takes, I’ll make this right with you.”

  Cassie gave a weak laugh. “Aw, Sis. You’ve always thought you had to make it right, to be the strong one and take care of me. I think that’s the real reason you didn’t come back. You were afraid you had disappointed me. But I love you. I just want you to be you.”

  Miranda felt hope flutter in her chest, and she looked down. “I’ll try to remember that.” Something changed inside of her. She didn’t know it was, but a weight lifted.

  “You know,” her sister continued. “I had no idea that happened to you with Uncle Vince.”

  “Wh— what did you think when I told you to run that night? Why did you run?”

  “Well, two reasons,” Cassie said. “I trusted you. You’d always taken care of me, been my second mom. Really, been my only mom.” Cassie hesitated. “That’s why it hurt so much when you left.”

  “I can never make up for that.”

  “It’s okay, Sis. I’m a big girl now. And it wasn’t long after you left that I realized you weren’t my mom. You were still a girl too. You’re allowed to be weak and needy, you know.”

  “Ugh, I don’t even like hearing you say that.” Miranda frowned.

  “Did you end up going to school?”

  Miranda shook her head. “That’s a story for another day. Now tell me the second reason.”

  “The second reason? Oh, the reason why I ran when you told me.” Cassie grabbed her lip gloss off the nightstand and liberally applied it. Smacking her lips, she said, “I never liked Uncle Vince. Right before you showed up he kicked my dog.”

  “He kicked Poppy?!”

  “Yeah!” Cassie nodded. “Poppy hated him.”

  “That dog was a smart dog.”

  Cassie laughed. “Yes, the best dog ever.”

  ***

  They visited for another hour before the nurse shooed them out for Cassie’s physical therapy. Jason and Miranda walked to the elevator in silence. Miranda reached it first and punched in the floor number.

  Jason came forward with slow steps. His eyes crinkled in sadness. He grabbed her hands and hauled them up, wrapping them tightly around his neck. Gently, he swayed back and forth.

  “There it is,” he whispered in her ear, barely breathing. “The strength I’ve always admired about you.”

  She clung to him, not wanting to let go. He smelled of both the grass he’d been cutting earlier in the day and motor oil. Closing her eyes, she allowed him to rock her, feeling the strength in his arms.

  He ran his hand gently down her back to her waist, and pulled her even closer. His heart thumped in h
er ear, speeding up when she did the same along his back. She felt his cheek rest on the top of her head. Then his lips softly kissed her hair. His index finger traced along her jawbone, and then he tipped her face towards him. They stared into each other’s eyes. His face lowered, his eyes flicking to her lips. Miranda could barely breathe.

  The elevator dinged and the doors opened. Two orderlies walked out.

  Jason gave a deep exhale and pulled away. He looked down at Miranda, his mouth curving into a half-smile.

  Miranda’s heart jigged a double beat in disappointment. Clearing her throat, she reached back to tuck her hair around her ears.

  “I wish I had a rubber band,” she said, trying to smooth her hair.

  Jason’s eyes crinkled. “I’m fresh out of those. Remember how you used to always wear them around your wrist?”

  “Back when I was smart. Now look at me. Crazy hair and no ponytail holder in sight.”

  His eyes grew thoughtful, like he wanted to say something about her hair. Instead, he rubbed his scruffy chin.

  “Coffee or pizza?” he asked.

  “Which one does the cafeteria serve the best?”

  “Hmm.” He squinted in thought. “By best do you mean witches’ brew, or just pure poison?” He gave her a wink and then caught the elevator door as it tried to close.

  Chapter Twenty-three Present Day

  Monday morning started off fairly well, all things considering. Jason had brought home a box of donuts the night before. Miranda was still able to squeeze into her jeans, so she felt she could treat herself to at least one before leaving for work.

  Her phone dinged for a new text message. She scooped the phone off the counter as she snagged a donut. Old-fashioned glazed, mmmm. Taking a big bite, she read the message. Her brow wrinkled and she quickly typed a response.

  “Who was that?” Jason asked.

  Slowly setting the phone down, Miranda took another bite, her thoughts running deep.

  “That was the guy from the bar.”

  “What guy?” His worried look flashed across his face.

  “You know, the weirdo.”

  “Dane?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What’s he texting you for?”

  Miranda shook her head. “He asked me out for lunch. The strange thing is I don’t even know how he got my number.”

  “What’d you say?”

  “I blew him off.”

  “How?”

  “I said that sounded like fun, but I was busy.” She took a sip of her coffee. Jason’s expression stopped her mid-drink. “What?”

  “That’s not rejecting him. That’s encouraging him to ask again.”

  “Stop. I was trying to be nice.”

  “I told you not to mess with him. He’s a psycho!”

  “I wasn’t messing with him. I was turning him down. Politely. I don’t want to anger a psycho.”

  Jason put his hands up in disbelief. “Whatever. I can think of a million other ways to do it. Things like: ‘Hey, I have a boyfriend,’ ‘I’m dating someone,’ ‘I’m moving to Siberia.’ What you said is just going to encourage him.”

  “Listen, I don’t need your help. I think I know how to turn down a guy.” Miranda’s face flushed.

  Jason watched her for a moment. “I didn’t mean to say you couldn’t do it. I just don’t like the thought of that guy having any contact with you. At all.”

  Feeling somewhat placated, Miranda said. “Don’t worry. I’ve got it under control.” Then she smiled, “And if for some reason I need help, I’ll be calling you for the best dump lines.” She gave him a wave as she headed to work.

  The dental office was incredibly chaotic that day with both with new patients and insurance disasters. One emergency visit had to be worked into the dentist’s already jam-packed schedule. Dane texted her back at some point, but she didn’t get a chance to read it until sitting in the car after her shift was over.

  -Maybe another day?

  She texted back:

  -sorry, my work schedule is so full. Not making plans right now.

  The response was immediate:

  -You need some down time.

  Miranda groaned. Now she was in a texting conversation with this guy. She threw her phone in her purse, aggravated, and started the jeep. Maybe Jason was going to have to give her some pointers after all.

  He wasn’t home when she got there, so she made herself some tomato soup and a grilled cheese. Dividing the soup into two mugs, she grabbed her food and went out to the porch swing.

  She heard the Chevy rattle up the driveway. Leaning her head back against the cushions, she tucked her bare foot under her leg. The sun had set, leaving the lake rimmed in dark pink.

  A few minutes later the sliding door opened, and Jason joined her. “Thanks for the soup.”

  “I left you a couple sandwiches, too. Did you see them?”

  He showed her the sandwich in his hand and joined her on the swing. Archer rested his paw on Jason’s knee in greeting. Jason rolled his eyes and tore off a piece of his crust and gave it to him. Miranda lifted the mug to hide her smile.

  Ignoring her, Jason leaned back. The first stars twinkled in the sky.

  “How was work?”

  “Crazy. Horrible. You?”

  “The same.” He raked back his hair from his forehead and rubbed his temple. “This is nice.”

  The swing gently swayed. Miranda couldn’t tell if it was him or her pushing it, but she tucked both feet up, and gave it over to him to keep it moving.

  “Hey! Did you see that?” Jason pointed up, his voice excited.

  “What?” Miranda tried to follow his finger, but didn’t see anything but the stars.

  “It was a shooting star. A big one. Keep watching.”

  She stared into the sky, trying to see anything. A memory unfolded in her mind of the last time she’d watched the stars with her dad. She felt a pang of loneliness and sent up a goofy prayer. Oh God, if my dad and mom are okay, let me see a shooting star. A sigh escaped.

  Jason shifted a little next to her, turning a bit. “What’s the matter?”

  “Memories,” she whispered, then wrinkled her nose at the melancholy way she sounded.

  “What memory?” He asked it so soft that she knew she’d have to answer. She bit back a groan.

  “Just thinking of the last time I watched the stars with my dad.” Miranda took in a deep breath, and held it for a second. She wanted her voice to sound calm and in control. “It was summer. We’d gone to the zoo that day.” A smile crept across her lips. “Cassie rode the camels, but was so mad because her camel made disgusting noises with its tongue the entire time she was riding him.”

  “No camel riding for you?”

  “Uh. No. I was too cool for camels.” She thought about it for a minute. “Actually, I think I was wearing a dress that day, which is weird, because I never wore dresses.” Her forehead creased, trying to remember.

  “My uncle was with us.” The unwanted memory flooded her mind. “He tried to pay for me to go on the camel. I kept telling him I couldn’t because of my dress. He told me to push it up, that it would be fine.”

  “What a sicko. What’d your dad do?’

  “He told me to do what made me comfortable, then wandered over to watch my little sister.”

  “I was twelve. That was my one and only time I went to the zoo.” Miranda closed her eyes for a second, willing the memories to go back into their box.

  “I’m sorry.” Jason leaned back into the swing. “The last time I went I was about the same age. My Grandma took me.” He laughed. “Poor thing had to sit at every bench along the way I think. But it was fun.”

  Miranda put her feet down and stopped the swing from moving. “That’s cute. Little granny’s boy.”

  “Hey, don’t knock it. I loved my Grandma.”

  “What was she like?”

  Jason imperceptibly stiffened. He always did that when she asked questions about his past. The pause lengt
hened, and Miranda didn’t think he was going to answer. She was about to change the subject when he spoke. “She was a great lady, the best cook in the world. She used to be one of my Cub Scout den mothers.” His eyes crinkled. “She always made this s’mores casserole. She was the one who taught me to make a fire. Which turned into a skill that was handy for the both of us.” He grabbed her knee and shook it gently.

  “Your Grandma sounds like an amazing lady.’

  “Yeah, she really was. I wish she was still here.” He glanced sidewise at her. “If only to teach you to cook.”

  “Oh my gosh! Just when I thought you were a nice guy.”

  He laughed. “I’m just teasing you. I mean, you haven’t killed me yet.”

  “That’s true. I’m sick of being the one that always has to change something about themselves.”

  Jason snorted.

  “All this growing up and maturing is bugging me.”

  “You have no idea how much I’ve changed.”

  Miranda smiled. “Yeah? Like what?”

  He lightly touched the bracelet on her wrist. “I haven’t been this happy in a long time.”

  “Happiness is a change?”

  “Yeah, for me it is.”

  “What were you before?”

  More silence. He spun her bracelet around.

  “Just plodding along, doing what I was supposed to do, I guess. Hoping some great plan would open up and clue me in to the next step.”

  “I know that feeling. And when it gets too strong, that’s when I play a little Candy Crush and it all goes away.”

  Jason laughed. “You’re a geek.”

  “I should be insulted, but it’s true.” She stood up. “Anyway, early day at work for me tomorrow. I don’t want to go, but I’ve got to hit the hay.” She opened the sliding door.

  “All right, sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.”

  “And if they do, hit them with your shoe,” Miranda finished, before sliding the door shut.

  Chapter Twenty-Four Present Day

  - Why are you ignoring me?