Second Chance with Her Army Doc

by Dianne Drake

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” Carter said, looking over at Sloane, who was busy sorting out the oxygen tubing, IV tubing and heart monitor, getting everything ready for transport.

  “Can you do this, Carter?” she asked. “The helicopter, I mean?”

  It was the same question he’d been asking himself. Could he go up in a helicopter? Or even tolerate its noise?

  “I guess we’re going to find out, aren’t we?” he said.

  “You don’t like choppers?” Cruz asked him.

  “And a lot of other things. I took a bad hit in Afghanistan—lots of damage...”

  Cruz nodded as if he understood. “Well, I’ll try to go easy on you. I had a few quirks when I came back. Glad one of them wasn’t flying or else I’d be in real trouble.”

  “Well, let’s hope flying isn’t one of mine.” Carter grabbed the foot-end of the old-time military stretcher and placed his bag between his patient’s feet. “Just letting you know I don’t always know what sets me off.”

  “Are you on a program?” Cruz asked.

  “One down in Tennessee. The Recovery Project.”

  “Where you work with bears?” Cruz asked. “I’ve heard they have a lot of success. Hope you’re one of them.”

  “You and me, both,” Carter said as he helped Cruz load his patient on the helicopter, then climbed in beside her.

  He really wanted some diazepam, or something else to calm him down. His pulse was racing faster than he’d ever felt it race. But this was his emergency run, and he wasn’t going botch it by either backing out or taking a sedative that at best would make him drowsy and at worst put him to sleep.

  “So, how long did you say this trip is going to take?”

  “Forty,” Cruz said, checking to make sure his passengers were fastened in securely.

  “I can do forty,” Carter said, hoping that if he sounded confident he would be confident.

  “That’s forty there and forty back. You up to that?”

  Carter gulped. Forty minutes seemed like an awfully long time, but eighty...

  Face your fears, Holmes.

  How many times had he heard those words over the course of the program. Well, if ever there was a fear to face...

  * * *

  “The Recovery Project,” Sloane whispered as she searched for it on the internet.

  She’d overheard Carter’s conversation with the helicopter pilot, and even though he had chosen not to tell her he was in a program, she was curious about it.

  Something about bears, the pilot had said. And, sure enough, the project put PTSD patients with rescued baby bears. They took total care of them. Fed them, gentled them, got them ready to turn them loose back into the mountains if their condition warranted it.

  It seemed like a good program. Granted, it was an alternative type of treatment, but from what she was reading it incorporated all kinds of PTSD treatment and was especially good at dealing with acute distress disorder, which was the type of PTSD Carter was diagnosed with. According to the program’s description, it offered factors that office-based therapy and therapy groups could not. One of the primary goals was to allow those with PTSD a safe place to feel and address emotions through the human-animal bond.

  Carter and a bunch of bear cubs? The thought of it brought a smile to her face. As improbable as it seemed, Sloane hoped it worked. But why hadn’t Carter mentioned that to her? Why couldn’t he have trusted her enough to tell her what he was doing? It was a huge step forward for him, and she was proud he was taking it on his own. But she was discouraged that he hadn’t included her.

  Was it still a trust issue? Had she betrayed his trust in a way she didn’t understand?

  Even the thought of that caused Sloane’s stomach to churn.

  * * *

  Carter hesitated, seeing Sloane sitting in the hotel lobby, waiting for him.

  The trip to the hospital and back hadn’t been awful. Nothing had triggered him or really got to him at all. Which was a step in the right direction, because so many of his battle casualties had been transported to the hospital by helicopters. Hearing them circle overhead had become a sound he dreaded.

  But not tonight. He’d barely noticed, as he’d been focused on his patient, not on himself. Like The Recovery Program had its PTSD victims focus on the bear cubs. A calculated misdirection, he guessed. One that seemed to work. One he hoped would work for him.

  Tonight proved that it just might.

  “No problems?” Sloane asked, taking the initiative and approaching Carter.

  “Everything’s fine. I got the patient checked in to Emergency, grabbed a cup of coffee and came right back.”

  “And the noise of the helicopter didn’t—?”

  He shook his head. “I’m good. And I appreciate your help.”

  “I saw four other patients for you while you were gone.”

  Carter’s eyes softened. “Do you realize that stabilizing Jeannie was the first time we’ve ever worked together? We were a good team.”

  Too good. And he hoped that wasn’t giving Sloane ideas.

  “Anyway, the manager called me on the way in, so I’ve got another patient to see. Then I think I’m going to hang around here the rest of the night, just in case.”

  “Does Matt know about the program?” Sloane asked him.

  “Yes.”

  “So it’s just me who doesn’t know your plans?” she asked.

  “We’re not together, Sloane. What makes you think I’d want to drag you back into my mess?”

  “It’s a worthy program, Carter. But I was the one who always searched for the right fit for you, so don’t you think I would have been interested in knowing that you’re in a program now?”

  “I don’t know what you’d be interested in knowing, Sloane.” Carter hated doing this, but she was getting too close again, and in the end that would only hurt her. “And, since we’re not together anymore, do you really think I have to tell you everything I do?”

  “You never had to do that, Carter. I never asked. I never demanded. When you did tell me, it was because that was what you wanted to do. Not because I was forcing you into it.”

  Her pain threw him back to all the times before, when they’d had this or similar arguments. It had always triggered him. Any friction with Sloane had triggered him because she’d had him so high on a pedestal he’d always been afraid he’d fall off and disappoint her.

  “I know you never tried to force me. But the expectations—”

  “Mine or yours?” she asked.

  “Both. They were too much. I couldn’t stand up to them—even when you were telling me you knew I could do it. Sometimes I could, but sometimes I couldn’t, and I didn’t know how to deal with that—especially when something was triggering me.”

  Namely, her. Knowing how disappointed she would be if he failed had been a trigger. Knowing how much he was hurting her had been a trigger. Also coming to terms with the fact that he couldn’t take care of Sloane the way he needed to had been a trigger. And all the triggers had added up to one big failure, and that had been the biggest trigger of all—failing Sloane.

  “Have you ever just tried to work through one of those moments? I know when you were back at the hospital you didn’t turn away from anything. But the longer you stayed there, the more you seemed to doubt yourself. Was it something I did, Carter? Or something I didn’t do? Because if that’s the case—”

  He cut her off with the wave of his hand. “Look, would you care to go to the lounge for a drink? Maybe sit down and sort through some things.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “The lounge? Is that still the way you fix everything? With alcohol?”

  “Wine for you...a nice Chablis. And fizzy water with lime for me. Sometimes it’s not easy, but it’s one demon on a long list I can control.”

  “That’s
great! You know what they say about little steps and how they turn into big ones. You always were disciplined when you set your mind to it. So, what about the—well—you know. You were smoking a lot of—pot. Taking a lot of pills. Oh, and I’ll take a fizzy water as well. Going night hiking in a while and I want to be clear-headed.”

  “Good thinking on the water. And as for the pot and pills—three months off that, too. I’m working it out as well.”

  “Excellent, Carter. Especially since you’re taking these steps on your own. A lot of people don’t have that kind of determination. And I’m also happy to hear The Recovery Project is working for you. It should give you hope for much more progress. I’m really hopeful, too. Because maybe, somewhere down the line, we can be friends again. I know the rest of it’s over, but I always did value your friendship.”

  “I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a lot of things, Sloane.”

  But for them? He wasn’t ready to go that far. He’d done too much damage. He’d hurt her too much. And he didn’t trust himself enough yet to think he could, or even deserved to have Sloane back in his life.

  Carter looked up at the chandelier in the lobby. A thousand crystals glittered overhead, looking like little bits of shattered mirrors, reflecting everything around it. That was how he felt. Shattered. And with so many things reflecting him.

  “I may not have all the answers, and God knows there are a lot of things I can’t control, but there are some things I can. And what I need to do is to get through this program and see what happens after that.”

  “Like becoming a full-fledged bear rescuer?”

  He chuckled. “Possibly. Being a GP wasn’t what I had in mind when I went to medical school, but here I am—so who knows?”

  “If that’s what you want, Carter, you should go after it. Whatever makes you happy. Because I think the happier you are, the better your PTSD will get.”

  Carter could almost envision the two of them, living in a mountain cabin, running their own rescue. Maybe even developing a PTSD program to go with it. The lifestyle would be different from anything he’d ever thought about, but it would be good. Only with Sloane, though. And since there was no Sloane in his life now that dream disappeared almost at the same time it appeared.

  “I still like being a doctor,” he said. “But at least with a bear you don’t get someone who purposely destroys their health by going against their doctor’s order the way Jeannie does.”

  They went to the lounge, ordered fizzy water, then talked for a while longer. It was mostly about friends and incidental things. Nothing heavy, nothing about his illness. Nothing about what they had or what they’d lost. Oh, did you know Mrs. Levy’s poodle had puppies? By the way, there’s a new bakery down on Mulberry Street. They have great pastries. It wasn’t as easy as he would have liked, but it wasn’t nearly as awkward as he’d expected it to be. Surprisingly, the time passed quickly, maybe too quickly, and all too soon Sloane was scooting toward the edge of her seat.

  “Look, I know you’re back on duty now, but I do have a couple patients I promised to check in on before my hike. So if you don’t mind...?”

  “Not at all. Besides, I’ve got a couple to see myself, then I’m going to try and get back to my room for a quick shower and a nap before I have to come back here to do some rechecks. So, when did you get interested in night hiking? I remember we used to talk about it, but you were never as keen as I was.”

  “Since I got here. It’s amazing how the desert literally springs to life at night. The stars, the animals, the feeling that you’re the only one in the universe...”

  Sloane smiled.

  “It’s something new for me, discovering things on my own. Usually you were the one doing the discovering and I was the one who tagged along. But this is different. It’s mine. And it’s really exciting because they’ve put me in a small advanced group. Anyway, since I’ll be out, why don’t you use my room here and save yourself the trouble of going home and then returning.”

  She fished the key card from her pocket and handed it to him.

  “I’ll just let the day clerk know where you’ll be—unless you want to do that yourself?”

  He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, as the mere brush of her hand on his sent tingles up his spine.

  “Are you sure you want me there? Because it seems like I would be taking advantage, in case you did want to return for any reason.”

  As he handed her back the card, Carter pulled his hand away from hers a little more slowly than would be strictly called for. But, even in that little touch, so many memories had sprung up—good memories—he was reluctant to break the contact because in that moment, they were the way they used to be. Nothing had changed them, nothing had separated them. But that was only a fantasy, and as he broke the sensation that was trying to overtake him, the memories vanished, and they returned to being the same Sloane and Carter they were now.

  “I might go rifling through your things.”

  She laughed.

  “I have the same old things I had when we were together. I haven’t been in the mood to buy myself anything new, so feel free to rifle.”

  He studied her for a moment. She was so beautiful, yet he could see the worry in her eyes. He’d put it there, even after all the times he’d told her not to worry, that he could take care of himself. Which, he couldn’t, and that was painfully obvious. Then there was that cycle, the more obvious he became, the more she worried. Round and round, like a carousel he couldn’t get off. Until the day he did.

  “I’m not sure we should be doing this,” he said.

  “Doing what?”

  “Trying so hard. Like you said, we need to take baby steps leading to bigger ones. I don’t want to go back to the place where you tried to take care of me and I resisted just about everything you did.”

  He couldn’t return to those awful months where she had tried so hard to help him that he had felt trapped. He knew it was because she cared, but what he knew and what he felt were two different things.

  “It was smothering, Sloane. Not that you meant to do that, but I was so resistant that any attempt to help me seemed like I was being smothered. And it wasn’t just you. It was all those counselors early on. They didn’t have the right things to offer me. Not then. But what my counselor told me was that it was just me, not being ready to admit all the things I’d eventually have to admit. One being that you weren’t really smothering me; I was smothering myself in pity and all kinds of other emotions I couldn’t yet face.”

  “I never meant to do that, Carter, and I’m sorry that’s what it felt like to you. Why didn’t you say something?”

  “Because I wasn’t saying much of anything. How could I, when I didn’t even know who I was anymore? Sometimes it just seemed easier to go along and hope I didn’t mess things up too badly.”

  “And I was left imagining all sorts of things since you wouldn’t tell me, then trying to put all the pieces of your jigsaw puzzle together. But you were getting farther and farther away from me, and I was trying everything I could think of to help you. Even though nothing was working.”

  “Why did you stay, Sloane? Why weren’t you the one to leave?”

  “Because every now and then I’d catch a glimpse of you, and that gave me hope. I loved you, Carter. I didn’t want to give up because I thought you needed me. Or because I wanted you to need me. But I was wrong about that, too, wasn’t I?”

  “Maybe you were, at least toward the end. I’m sorry about that, but because I didn’t know who I was anymore, there was no way you could have known. And maybe I was angry with you for that. Maybe I expected, or assumed, you, of all people, should know who I was,” he said, feeling like a louse.

  “The truth is, I don’t know what was motivating me at that point. Frustration. Anger. Fear. Maybe some self-loathing. Could be I was trying to prove I was still me, even when
I knew I wasn’t. The worst part was hearing myself saying something hurtful to you, and not being able to control it. But, I couldn’t stop myself. Because you were always there, you turned into my target.”

  “I knew it was. And often the only thing that kept me sane through it all was knowing that the Carter I fell in love with wouldn’t have done that. It was all I had to hold on to.”

  She was right. The real Carter wouldn’t have done that to her. But the real Carter hadn’t come home from Afghanistan and he wouldn’t. In a sense he had died there, and the Carter who had taken his place wasn’t the man Sloane had fallen in love with.

  “Anyway, about your room...”

  “The offer’s still open and you don’t have to read anything into it. I was only trying to make the next few hours a little easier on you. Take it or leave it.”

  “Sorry I overreacted,” he said. “And I do appreciate the offer, but I need to stop by my office to see a few late-night patients after I’m done here, then after that I think I’ll just go back to my room.”

  He looked longingly at the key card, now in Sloane’s hand, and wished he could take it, with or without strings. But, that’s not where he was, or even anywhere close to where he should be. She was too tempting, even with such an innocent gesture, and he had to be careful not to give in. Not to persuade himself that just this one time...

  Carter slid out of the booth after Sloane but followed her out of the lounge rather than walking with her.

  “I still don’t get a lot of things right,” he said, once they were in the lobby.

  She smiled half-heartedly, then nodded.

  “No big deal. This isn’t easy and neither of us is winning any awards for getting it right. But I really am excited by your progress, Carter. No matter what else happens between us, I want you to succeed probably as much as you do. I always have.”

  “Trust me. A checkmark in the win tally of my life is a lot of incentive. I don’t have too many of those on there yet, but I’m not giving up.”