My First Murder

by Leena Lehtolainen

  “I did all that for a little over six months, but then I started to get sick of it. It wasn’t as easy as it looked; in fact, it was actually pretty damn hard, and how I felt about my own body had started to get weird. So I told Tommi I was quitting. He didn’t argue, because he had enough girls at that point even without me.

  “For about a year, things went just fine, but then I ran out of money again, completely this time. I borrowed money from Tommi for a while, and then he told me that he now had all sorts of different businesses going and that he was making even more than before. He’d met this guy Mattinen through a girl named Tiina, and they were smuggling weed into the country. I went and sold it in the clubs a few times, but it was a pretty risky business.

  “Right after May Day, Tommi called to say he had a big load coming in over the Baltic. So we came up with the idea of that trip on the Marlboro. The only mistake we made was claiming that the reason we were going was to see the Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir concert, which made Antti and Timo and Sirkku want to come along. We had a hard time shaking them, especially Antti.

  “Though I was really nervous, our plan went off without a hitch. The others thought I was seasick, but I was really throwing up out of fear. Tommi was pretty nervous too. Once we got the stuff into the country, Tommi decided not give it all to Mattinen at once. He gave it to him in small batches, including his car in the deal, for a much higher price than they’d originally agreed. That scared me a little—I knew that Mattinen had all kinds of connections—but Tommi just laughed and said he was a whole lot smarter than Mattinen. I asked Tommi whether I could trust him since I could see that he was always cheating everyone else at everything. He pulled me close and said I was his best friend; I was a special case. He would never lie to me.

  “I only knew what Tommi told me. And I really did think it was just marijuana! Then he called me Thursday night and said that I should be careful because one of his regular dealers had been nabbed. We all knew the name of the game: you cops are always ready to make a deal with the little guys to catch the bigger ones. And everybody always just tries to save their own skin. So now Tommi was trying to unload all the stuff on Mattinen at a discount just to get rid of it. He was totally panicking on Thursday. By Friday he’d calmed down a bit. Mattinen had bought the stuff from him, so he had his money and things were good.

  “Then on Saturday when we were on our way out to the villa, we heard on the news that several more members of the cocaine ring had been arrested. I just laughed, thinking that didn’t have anything to do with us. I mean, we hadn’t been selling cocaine. I didn’t get to exchange more than a few words with Tommi that afternoon, but I could see that he had tensed up and was avoiding me. I eventually managed to ask him if that news story was about the people we knew, and he admitted it. He told me that if Mattinen had been caught by the cops, we were up shit creek too.”

  Tuulia poured the rest of her tea down her throat. Rage and anguish burned in her eyes, and I found myself wondering once again what her true feelings had been for Tommi.

  “I finally got him to promise me that we would talk later that night when everyone else had gone to bed. I lay awake until four thinking about how Tommi had betrayed me. You don’t get it, I’m sure; to you weed and coke are probably both the same. But everybody’s smoked a few joints at Roskilde or in Amsterdam. Personally, I prefer a good binge. Cocaine is a different matter entirely though. I never wanted to get mixed up in anything like that. And I had trusted Tommi. I had known him my whole life, and he had never betrayed me before.

  “I waited and waited. People were wandering all around the house. When Tommi went out to the dock, I started to get up, but then I heard Sirkku going out to talk to him. At first I thought Tommi had arranged that just to avoid me, and by the time Sirkku came back inside, I was beyond furious. I could barely keep from screaming when I saw Tommi sitting there on the dock, dangling his feet in the water and admiring the sunrise, looking as though he didn’t have a care in the world. When I asked him why he hadn’t told me the truth, he just laughed at me. He said, ‘Did you really think we could get that kind of money from weed?’ How was I supposed to know? What did I know about the drug market! He had been bullshitting me too, just like he did everyone else, always. It turns out I wasn’t any kind of special case in his life after all. I tried to kick him, but then he caught me by the foot and tried to drag me down into the water. So I grabbed the ax and hit him on the head. I wasn’t thinking at all. I heard sort of a crunch, and then he fell in. I only saw a little blood coming out of his head.”

  Tuulia was staring far beyond the landscape visible through the window, and I knew that she was seeing it all again, had seen it many times already, and would see it forever.

  “And then?”

  Tuulia woke up as if from a daze.

  “I rinsed off the ax because it had gotten blood on it. Tommi was lying facedown in the water. I said to him, ‘Stop playing around.’ He moved a little—though it might just have been the waves rocking him—and I took off running. I guess I threw the ax behind the sauna as I went. I don’t remember. I felt nauseated. I went to the outhouse behind the sauna and threw up. Then I washed my face in the sauna and noticed the ax. I kicked it under the sauna with the tip of my sneakers and went back to bed. I was sure that Tommi was just playing around. In the morning, I waited for him to come down the stairs grinning. I even went and knocked on his door. I was sure he was sleeping in there and that it had all just been a bad dream. But then Riku came up from the water and I saw right away from his expression that Tommi hadn’t been playing after all.”

  “You should have confessed right then. You would have gotten off with manslaughter.”

  “You wouldn’t have believed me. You don’t believe me now either.”

  “Does it matter what I believe anymore? This whole time you’ve been feeding me different things. You knew how to manipulate me, and I let you. I guess my parents raised me to be just like them because I really did see you as the Tuulia I wanted to see. When you came to me to find out how much I knew, I really thought you wanted to be my friend. I haven’t had that much fun in ages.”

  I felt tears welling up in my throat, but I couldn’t give in to those feelings until this job was done. It was easy for me to believe Tuulia’s story. I felt the same way now as she had felt then: I had been betrayed too; I had been used too.

  “I didn’t mean to manipulate you,” Tuulia said meekly, fingering her cup. “I like you, and I know you like me.” Tuulia looked at me, all but pleading. “You came to arrest me, but why did you come alone? Maybe deep down you hoped I would get away. Give me one day. I’ll do exactly what Tommi planned to do. I’ll leave the country. I have all his money. I managed to grab it along with his address book from his room while we were waiting for the police. Give me a chance.” There was fear and pleading in Tuulia’s eyes. I averted my gaze; I didn’t dare look at her. The plan she was proposing was an option. After all, did I really want to send her to jail?

  “What did you do to Antti?”

  “Antti? I haven’t done anything to Antti. I have no idea where he is. You don’t really think I would have done something to Antti, do you?” Hysteria was creeping into Tuulia’s voice. “You aren’t going to let me go.”

  “No, I’m afraid not. You’re under arrest. Collect your things. We’ll go down to Pasila so you can make an official statement.” I stood up from the table. There was no point in prolonging the agony.

  Tuulia was faster than I was though. She grabbed a bread knife from the counter, the same one she had just used to slice up the cake. She wrapped her arms around me so the knife was now poised to slice my throat. I felt the iron grip of Tuulia’s cold hands, the coolness of the steel against my carotid artery, and the rapid beating of both of our hearts. Time stopped. Tuulia smelled of lemon.

  “You came alone, without a weapon. If you don’t let me go willingly, then I’ll have to force you to let me go. Walk slowly over there to th
e bedroom,” she said, forcing me down the entry hall.

  “Don’t be stupid,” I said. “You don’t have a chance. Do you really think we don’t have guards at the airports and the harbors?”

  “Be quiet! You can always get out of this country. I’m going to tie you up, and then you’re going to get just a little bonk on the head—don’t worry, it’ll be much smaller than Tommi’s. When you wake up, I’ll be long gone.”

  I tried to slow my breathing in order to calm down. I wasn’t going to get out of this by rushing. Tuulia slowly slid the knife from my neck down between my shoulder blades.

  “Open the cabinet in front of you. Good. On the bottom shelf are a couple of jump ropes. Bend your knees slowly to reach them...Yes, like that. Hand them to me. Thank you. Now walk over there to the bed and lie down on your stomach. This knife is going to be resting between your shoulder blades the whole time. If you try anything, you die. I read somewhere that the second one is a lot easier.” Now Tuulia’s voice really was hysterical. I knew that sound; it was the desperate growling of an animal driven into a trap. She was capable of anything.

  I bent over onto the bed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that the hand holding the knife was shaking uncontrollably. Instead of lying down, I gave Tuulia a swift kick in the thigh.

  Then several things happened at once. The knife arced away and landed on the floor, as Tuulia collapsed against the half-open window. Then Koivu and Kinnunen rushed into the room.

  Of course I hadn’t gone off to arrest a murderer all by myself—I had double backup. And of course Kinnunen had wanted to take part in the collaring. Koivu had been waiting in the stairwell the whole time, and Kinnunen had retrieved the spare key from the building super to open the door while Tuulia and I were talking. I had wanted to start by talking to Tuulia alone because I was sure she would speak to me more openly without other officers present. Convincing Kinnunen that this was a sensible plan had been a bit of a chore though.

  Kinnunen aimed his gun at Tuulia’s shins. I didn’t know he’d even brought one with him. It looked as though Tuulia hadn’t seen his weapon because she lunged for the knife. I saw Kinnunen pull the trigger, and time slowed as I watched the bullet hit Tuulia in the shoulder instead of the leg and throw her through the open window straight down into the yard. Since the window was only one floor up, she should have made it through the fall without further injury, but she landed on the hood of the car of a neighbor who was just pulling out and slid from there under the tires.

  Someone screamed. I charged down the stairs. Tuulia was lying in a strange position, and blood was leaking from her mouth. Someone was still screaming and tears were dripping down onto Tuulia’s body. I didn’t realize they were my tears until Koivu shook me.

  “Maria! There’s no point in trying CPR on her. The ambulance is on its way.” Koivu gently wiped the blood from the side of my mouth, while Kinnunen tried to calm the driver. Curious neighbors were streaming toward us, and I heard the ambulance siren in the distance. Everything was still happening in slow motion, and the film kept going dark and then light again. As Kinnunen approached me, I smelled the stench of gunpowder and drunken sweat on him. An uncontrollable rage exploded inside me.

  “Why the hell did you shoot, you fucking drunk? Nothing was going to happen! She couldn’t even reach the knife!” I punched Kinnunen right in the jaw. Taken by surprise, he collapsed, landing partly on top of Tuulia. Koivu rushed between us and slapped me in the face like I was some kind of hysterical woman in the movies. The pain helped me forget everything else for a moment.

  I gradually pulled myself together. The ambulance arrived, and the paramedics loaded Tuulia into it. We promised to follow them to the hospital once we’d calmed the neighbors down. I went upstairs to get my bag. Inside it was the recorder that contained Tuulia’s confession. Koivu had heard all of it, and Kinnunen a good part of it. The case was solved.

  I was moving as though in a dream. We dropped Kinnunen off at the station to report to the captain and left the tape for transcription. None of us was especially talkative. The responsibility for the miscalculation was mine, of course. I hadn’t imagined that Tuulia would turn violent. I knew that Kinnunen had been aiming at her legs, that he had been trying to help me. Women can’t get along on their own, you know. I knew he would tell the captain something like that.

  By the time we arrived at the hospital, Tuulia was already in the ICU. She had a concussion and a spinal fracture. They didn’t know yet whether she would pull through. We promised the nurses that we would notify Tuulia’s parents of the incident.

  “Are you OK now?” Koivu asked, clearly concerned, as we drove across Kuusisaari Island toward North Tapiola, where Tuulia’s parents lived.

  “I’ll be fine. I keep asking ‘what if.’ What if I had just let her tie me up? You two would have caught her anyway. What if I had just waited? What if Kinnunen hadn’t started waving his gun around? Why can’t they just find a desk for that idiot to sit at! He can push paper even when he’s hungover.”

  “It was hard for us to tell just from your voices how serious the situation was in there,” Koivu said defensively. “Is this where I should turn?”

  “Yeah. Third house on the right,” I said, looking at a map. “I can do the talking.”

  Explaining what had happened to Tuulia’s parents was just as appalling as I had imagined it would be. I also had to explain why I had been arresting Tuulia, and they just couldn’t believe it. I watched the life drain out of their faces as they sat on the handsome leather couch in their sweet little row house. There was nothing comforting to say. I gave Tuulia’s parents the number for the intensive care unit and then left as quickly as I could. I didn’t start to cry until Koivu was turning off of Kalevantie onto Ring I.

  “Am I taking you home?” Koivu asked. I was glad he didn’t start fussing over me.

  “No thanks. I need to make a report, talk to the captain, and probably call Peltonen’s dad.” I wiped my cheeks on a hamburger stand paper napkin that I had found in the glove box. It still smelled a little like mustard. “Do you still have work to do?”

  Koivu snorted. “I need to help you write your report.”

  “How about three pints minimum to finish off the workday? Solved cases deserve a little celebration. Or have you spent too much time loitering around bars lately?”

  We cobbled together what would pass for our report. I took it to the captain, who seemed satisfied that the case had been solved, even if the end result was an embarrassment for the police. He glossed over Kinnunen’s actions by observing that “these things happen,” and I didn’t have the energy to argue. Then I called Heikki Peltonen, who didn’t want to believe what I was telling him at first either. He shouted that I was just shoveling shit at him, and only calmed down once I repeated five times in succession the list of evidence pointing to Tommi’s dealings. Peltonen’s ire raised my own adrenaline level, and I grew even more irate when the next call was from a tabloid reporter. I had just promised Peltonen that I would keep a low profile with the media, but the driver of the car that Tuulia fell on had clearly wanted to get some publicity and called the reporter. I could already imagine the headline: POLICE NEGLIGENCE KILLS SUSPECT. I answered the reporter’s questions curtly. Talking all evening had made my mouth feel like sandpaper.

  By nine thirty, Koivu and I were seated at the Old Cellar restaurant. Koivu ordered a pint, and I asked for a Jack Daniel’s. I downed the first one without even tasting it, and then ordered another. The aging waiter didn’t even raise an eyebrow. He had seen thousands of liters of whiskey flow down his clients’ throats, and I was hardly the thirstiest one he’d ever seen.

  A warm feeling coursed down my throat to my stomach, then rose mysteriously back up to my head. Koivu sipped from his mug, complaining about how hungry he was. We ordered greasy steaks and more beer. Koivu commented on the success of the Finnish athletes in the recent Olympics. I made some disparaging remarks about our country’s male competitor
s, to which he responded by criticizing the women’s legs. I couldn’t see anything wrong with them—just so long as they beat the Swedes, I couldn’t care less how they looked—so we argued about that for a while. We went on chatting desperately about all kinds of trivial things. Koivu must have sensed the distress behind my apparent joviality, but he didn’t have any desire to start that conversation.

  After the two pints I drank with my meal, and a third whisky, I thought Koivu was starting to look even more adorable than usual.

  The thought of falling asleep in those kind arms, gazing at that flaxen hair and those blue eyes was tempting. However, I knew that it would be a bad idea in the long run. I would need a good partner for at least another couple of months, and it would be pointless to ruin such a good team for one drunken roll in the hay. I gave Koivu a tired smile and said I was going to crawl home to bed. Koivu convinced me to order one last drink. We spent the rest of the time debating several future Olympic athletes’ chances. We shared a taxi home. Koivu tried to invite himself into my place, but I packed him off home, pulling rank and then assuring him he would be happier in the morning if he followed orders.

  Despite my drunken state, I couldn’t go to bed until I called the hospital. They had operated on Tuulia’s back, and she would probably live. The liquor and greasy food churned in my stomach. I took two ibuprofen and knew that tomorrow would feel even worse.

  FINALE

  Drifting on the tide

  The city was preparing for a dreary fall Friday night. It was cold, foggy, and rainy, precisely the kind of weather that most people hated. However, I didn’t mind it and decided to take a stroll on the shores of the Baltic Sea. I wanted some time to think. I had just finished the paperwork for the Tommi Peltonen murder, and court proceedings would begin the following week.

  The trouble was that the accused would not be appearing in court. Tuulia had survived, but she would not be able to travel to any courtroom anytime soon. Fractures in her spine had paralyzed her lower limbs. The doctors still thought she might recover, but only after several operations.