Saint's Sacrament - Sins of the Father

by Laveen, Tiana

  “I wholeheartedly agree with that, Saint. I’ve seen it too many times.” She exhaled. “Not just in my own life, but with people around me, too.”

  “If he’d proposed to you because he loved you and couldn’t see his life without you, then the current situation wouldn’t be happening. You’d already be married or he at least wouldn’t have called the wedding off. He has weighed his pros and cons and feels that the grass is greener. He wants to remain a free agent, a single man. His behavior reflects this. Our actions as men, Stacey, you have to watch. The hell with what we say. What we do tells you the most and when our words match our actions, well, then you know you are dealin’ with the real deal.”

  “Saint, I think he has been cheating on me too, just like you said earlier. I believe this. I can just feel it. He is covering his tracks real well though. I haven’t seen it but—”

  “You already know he is messing around on you, Stacey. You know this. You don’t need to run in on him smashin’ another woman in your very own bed. You know the truth in your heart.” He pointed to her chest. “He is doing one of two things right now, and I’m not trying to delve into your private sex life but let me tell you, when we men cheat, and we have a girlfriend or wife, this is what happens in our bedrooms because of it.” He cleared his throat and counted off his fingers. “We either—one, become very adventurous in bed, outside of our normal character. We suddenly want you to try new things when previously nothing in our personality would warrant such a change in behavior. Either someone is sexually adventurous, or they aren’t and if they change, it happens gradually, not overnight.”

  “And the second one?”

  “The sex goes the other route. This is what happens. One way is the frequency decreases significantly. Another way is we have trouble ejaculating; we can’t seem to reach the finish line. A third way is we become soft during the act of intercourse often and the fourth way is, it stops altogether. Now, ruling out medical factors, that’s the deal. That is how we operate. It is a byproduct from being a low vibration individual. Every time we do something out of our custom-made soul programming, because we have free will, every time we act against the path designed for us, every time we act out instead of giving in love, we rack up karmic debt and destroy a small bit of ourselves, one piece at a time. Our dicks will either want you more, or want you less—but we will not keep the same tempo as we did before the affair started if it lasts long enough. We can’t.”

  “Can I ask you something personal?”

  “Of course. What is it?”

  “Are you speaking from experience? In all that I read about you, you were forthcoming with your own personal life, but I never read about you cheating, yet you must’ve since you know so much about this.”

  Saint paused and reflected. “Well, no, I never cheated, as strange as that sounds considering that at one point in time, I was definitely operating from a lower vibration. I told every woman I was with that we would not be monogamous. I had no desire to be monogamous for quite some time. That didn’t stop attachments from forming and I’ve stated many times that I’ve had exclusive relationships, but they were open; meaning, I would have a girlfriend, but she was told from the jump that I would also be with other women sexually. To me, this was normal behavior but it was far from normal and it cost me valuable time from finding Xenia.”

  “I see, I understand. So, when a man is cheating and racking up this karmic debt you speak of, what exactly is happening?”

  “When we are inside multiple women at one given time, those energies transfer over to the point that we recoil from our steady, from wifey, or we have to do the same thing to her as we are experiencing with the other woman, or women. We have to treat her just the same, or vastly different. It is a way of doing checks and balances, but it is never even, it is never fair.”

  This mothafucka right here! Tell me that mothafucka ain’t smashin’ another broad...tell me you gettin’ the same type of dick you always got, Stacey. You’re not...

  “You’re right.” She shook her head in amazement and crossed her arms over her breasts, holding herself tightly as she bit her bottom lip and shook her head—anger written all over her face.

  “As a man, I have no problem telling you how we think and why we do the things we do. All men are different, just as all women are, but we are all human and when we work from a lower plain, our actions are simplistic, predictable and universal. It’s like all people laugh, all people cry, regardless of their race, beliefs, customs. It is in us to do both because those are basic human reactions to the world around us. That is why it is quite easy for me to tell you what he had and hasn’t been doing. No, I didn’t cheat, but I wasn’t better than him, in fact, I was worse because I believed disclosing my intentions would somehow ward off any karmic debt and protect the women I was engaging with. I knew better, deep down I did, but I still did it because I was selfish.”

  “I love that you can air your dirty laundry and be comfortable about it.”

  “Because it helps people. Normally, I wouldn’t want anyone, besides Xenia, to know any of this. I am ashamed now. I never was before, and I became even more ashamed after Isis was born. She will know what I did. I’m in the limelight and one day my little girl is going to ask me, ‘Why?’ and I will have to tell her about everything I am telling you right now. I can’t let her become a victim to a cat like how I used to be, or how Jared is right now. All those women I fucked over, they were someone’s daughter, too...”

  His heart ached as the profound words left his lips.

  “Now, let’s focus on right now for a second. Stacey, you can’t control what happened up until this point. You can only change what happens from this moment forward. I want you to understand that. Right now, you have the power because you are in the knowledge and once you’ve acquired a new understanding, you must make it work in your favor.”

  Saint had to drive the point home. He didn’t want Stacey to go home and let Jared woo her, make it all right for a month or two because he knew, and she knew, he’d eventually fall right back into his old ways. He didn’t want her calling Xenia, complaining about a man that, she now knew, was no good for her. She’d no longer be a victim then; she’d be an enabler to her own detriment. He noted her expression, the way she closed her eyes and gently rocked herself. She was sorting it all out.

  “If Jared had knowledge of self, there would be way more options here. But we wouldn’t even be discussing this if he knew who he was and what he wanted because he would have never put himself in this predicament in the first place and dragged you along for the ride.”

  “You’re right, everything you said is right and the sex...the sex is practically nonexistent.” She winced. “It’s like he doesn’t even want me anymore. I asked him what was wrong…was it, you know, the weight gain? I’ve had trouble losing the baby weight.” She ran her hand over her stomach, self-conscious of a body that had brought life into the world. “He said he didn’t know...” She shook her head and pursed her lips. Saint felt the anger in her grow and grow. The tears were gone, and she was left with this stone sitting in her heart, and it weighed her down. The look in her eyes began to change as the irritation grew.

  “He knows it isn’t the weight, Stacey, though we as men are visual creatures. If he actually loved you, he could get past that. Instead, he’d be supportive of you trying to get back into shape. He’d uplift you, encourage you, not make you feel like you were to blame for your impaired sex life. He’d still make you feel beautiful, despite the extra pounds. Now, I don’t mean to kick you when you’re down, okay, but I have a question for you as well. I can’t let you off the hook. Women do bear some responsibility when the Jareds of the world do a number on them because: one, you attracted him to you, you were ripe for marking, and two, once you saw signs that he wasn’t treating you with respect, you made excuses for it and stayed.”

  She searched his face. “Okay, what is it?” she asked softly. “What’s the question?”

&
nbsp; “What made you get pregnant, Stacey? Something in you helped set this scenario up and I want to talk to you about that because I don’t want to see you get hurt again. Where you caught up in the moment? I mean, you and Xenia have a lot in common. You both grew up in the same neighborhood, you both made something out of yourselves despite the challenges in your community and you excelled, became instant role models to so many. You both also waited to have children until you were in your thirties. That was a choice. I’m not saying you should regret your daughter, so please don’t misunderstand me. I am talking about that moment right before she was conceived—what was going on in your head? What was it about Jared that caused you to take a risk, a chance on him?”

  “Because I thought he loved me and I thought we were getting married.”

  “Nah.” Saint shook his head and smiled. “Sorry Stacey, I can’t really buy that. Let me tell you why.” He crossed his leg, reached down and straightened his bunched dark brown dress sock. “You’d been in other relationships before where a guy said he loved you and you thought it was going somewhere. No, Stacey, a part of you, even if it was subconscious, thought this would make that man stay. You took out an insurance policy.”

  “Saint, that isn’t true!” she protested.

  “It is and let me tell you why. You both put insurance policies on each other, out of fear. You see what has happened here? A part of you knew something might not be right with this man and then you did what many women do, especially the ones over thirty-five who’d been so careful with their lives before. You go and get pregnant, hoping this man, especially one without children, will stay with you. You hope he will accept the new family you two created and be the man you wanted him to be. It doesn’t work like that. No baby, as you’ve discovered, will stop the low vibration or make it rise to a new level. Babies can be a cause to help the man ascend, but he still has to want it. He has to be the one to decide but if he is on a low vibration, and comfortable there, him having a baby won’t change that.”

  “So I did this?” She shook her head. “I guess I did...”

  “Now, listen to me. You got pregnant, Stacey, because you did want a child. I’m not saying you didn’t want her, I know you did, but, you did it when you did it to keep that man with you. Something inside of you was saying, ‘Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right.’ You tried to silence it with your daughter...but it came back, the warnings, and sure enough, the premonition came to be. This man wants to stay playin’ house with you with no papers because it is easier should he decide to bail out on the relationship. He actually already has, but this way, he keeps you tethered to him, while he goes and does his thing. Is that right? Is that fair? Do you not deserve better than that?”

  He watched her turn inside of herself, deliberating over his cutting words. The pieces of the puzzle were coming together.

  “You came over here to tell Xenia that Jared doesn’t want to get married, but a part of you was relieved he didn’t want the relationship over, and that made you upset as well, knowing that you were simply happy to take a demotion versus being fired altogether. Stacey, that’s not cool.” He ran a comforting hand along her shoulder blade as the woman looked down into her lap.

  “I know. I know you’re right...” she choked out. “Everything you said is right. Damn this hurts...”

  “Do you think I’d want a child to go without two parents?” He laid a palm on his chest, his tone brimming with sincerity.

  Stacey shook her head.

  “Of course I don’t. That was my main concern when Xenia moved out of the house with our sons. I know you recall how upset she was. Again, I’m not sure what she told you about all that happened, Stacey, but—”

  “She told me enough.” Stacey shook her head. “That was messed up. I was so sorry to hear about what happened. I’m glad you two pulled through that.” Saint didn’t miss the expression on her face. The woman had hoped for a ‘happy ending’ after a fire, just like her best friend and Saint, but she had to know deep down, it wasn’t’ the same.

  “Even though I was a mess with the prospect of losing my wife, my kids, the thought of not having that home life I wanted for them was the worst. That really hurt more than anything else. I had planned in my mind,” he pointed to his temple, “everything about Xenia and I getting married, having children and raising them under one roof, and I never thought of another alternative. It is a huge wake-up call when all of that is threatened, when you never imagined it any other way. Our plans change when people change, Stacey. In your case, he never changed, the true him was simply revealed. You were at a yearlong Halloween party and didn’t even know it.”

  “It’s so confusing. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, you know? Yeah, I knew he was acting funny before he told me he didn’t want to get married. I suspected this was on its way but hoped I was just being unreasonable. I love him, Saint...” Her voice waned on the last sentence, floating away as if her heart just wasn’t in it.

  “Yeah, but love is supposed to be a mutual transaction, Stacey. It’s like a card game, and unless it is solitaire, it requires all people involved to be on deck. If you only have one person playing, how the hell is everyone else supposed to win?”

  She nodded and sniffed, briefly looking away, hiding herself from the cruel genuineness of the situation that lay at her feet.

  “And let’s be honest, you are used to getting what you want but the fact of the matter is,” he shrugged, “we can’t control other people, no matter how much we try. You had one idea in your mind, and the reality is different. This is the time where you go ahead and face the truth, and then make a better life for you and your daughter.”

  “I like how you don’t tip toe around the truth, Saint.” She laughed and simultaneously wiped a tear from her eye. Saint suspected it would be one of the last. “Everyone knows who you are and what you’re about. You are a straight shooter. It hurts, but I respect it.” She leaned back and slapped her thigh, a crooked, weary smile on her face.

  “I don’t want to make you feel worse than you already do, I really don’t, but you just need to be realistic about what’s going on. Not to mention, why would you settle for some shit like this? Never settle, Stacey. It is better to be alone, than with someone who doesn’t value your presence in their life.” This entire conversation was a prime example of why Saint received some of the hate mail he did. He had been accused of handing out ‘secrets to the enemy’, or ‘changing up the game.’ He had been told by angry men that their wives or girlfriends left them because of one of his books or some tape they’d listened to. He was the culprit for broken homes. But that wasn’t true. He was simply the catalyst for genuine freedom, so that a woman could finally receive the love she truly deserved. It would be an uphill battle for the bruised and battered casualties of war, but they’d escaped from emotional Alcatraz and got the rewards of their healing in due time. Loving oneself meant being happy with your own company, until you are yolked with the right one, not the wrong one. Placeholders need not apply…

  Just then, Xenia emerged with Isis, Hassani and Dakarai. The boys raced in front of her like blurs, dashing past Stacey and their father, flying right into the kitchen yelling and laughing at the top of their lungs.

  “Whoa!” Saint screamed out as he got to his feet. “Hey you two, I’m home!” He snapped his fingers. “Over here! Before you go in that refrigerator and ransack it, can you say ‘hi’ to Daddy please and give me a hug?” Saint put his hands on his hips as he frowned melodramatically, pretending to be heartbroken. His sons stopped in their tracks. They double backed toward him and rushed into his arms. He picked Hassani up and kissed his first born on his cheek. As he swung him around, the boy’s New York Yankees hat to fell off, exposing a cluster of freshly grown out black curls. Dakarai jumped up and down. Cookie crumbs framed his tiny mouth.

  “Daddy! I won! Daddy, I won!” He grinned from ear to ear. Saint placed Hassani back on the floor and picked Dakarai
up.

  “You ain’t win! I let you win!”

  “Hassani, don’t start that mess again,” Xenia corrected as she looked at her boys vying for their father’s attention. “Play nice.”

  “Isn’t, not ain’t, Hassani. What did you win, Dakarai? A visit from the tickle monster, that’s what!” Saint dug his fingers into Dakarai’s sides, tickling him mercilessly, forcing the little child to squirm and giggle, almost losing his breath. After a while, he placed the little one back down on his feet and watched his sons run off together to the kitchen to enjoy a snack.

  Stacey rose to her feet and placed her purse over her shoulder.

  “Xenia, it’s getting late and I need to pick up Aubrey.”

  “Oh yes...” Xenia said faintly, in almost a whisper. She shot a look at Saint, one of questioning. He turned toward Stacey and gave her a light hug.

  “Look, if you need to call me, don’t hesitate.”

  The woman looked deeply into his eyes, while her own glossed over. The hurt resurfaced and transferred to him, making him feel lesser than. She had some emotions to work through, some realities to accept and a new path to carve out. Nevertheless, Saint could feel in his heart she’d be on the right road for self-discovery and bad relationship recovery. She wasn’t the first woman to fall for a con game, and she wouldn’t be the last, but Stacey would no longer entertain foolishness.

  Love doesn’t hurt. Loving the wrong person does...