Here's to You, Zeb Pike

by Johanna Parkhurst

  Overall, it’s a great time. If I didn’t have to watch Beth on the field, handing water bottles to kids and constantly patting Matt’s shoulder, it would be an all-time great day.

  Matt comes straight up to me the second the final whistle blows. “We won, we won!” he shouts.

  I swing him up in a bear hug. “I know! Great job!”

  Beth comes running behind him. She’s wearing a tracksuit composed of Danville’s colors—green and white—and she looks like one the most dedicated parents there. I kind of hope she’s freezing in the tracksuit.

  Beth grabs up Julia from where she sits next to me. “Did you see that, Jules? Your brother scored two goals!”

  I stop cheering with Matt for a moment to stare her right in the eye. Did she just call my sister Jules?

  I want to make sure I don’t wreck Matt’s victory celebration in any way, so I wait to say anything until after we’ve gone out to eat and are back at the house. Jack settles down in the living room and asks if we want to watch a movie. Matt and Julia cheer and join him, but Beth says she has some work to do out in her real estate office. I don’t debate whether or not to say something to her for very long. Pretty soon I’m heading out to the shed.

  The walk to the shed building is dark and frigid; it wasn’t that warm to begin with today, and it feels like it’s dropped another ten degrees since Matt’s game. I open the door to the office and call out for Beth. I’ve never been out here to her office before. I have no idea what she really even does out here—I just know she sells houses.

  “Dusty?” Beth smiles as she comes around the corner and sees me. “Hey! What are you doing here?”

  I shuffle my feet uncomfortably for a while before I say anything. “I sorta need to talk to you,” I mumble.

  Beth smiles even more widely, and I’m pretty sure she thinks that it’s a good thing I’ve come out to see her. Somehow, I don’t care enough to stop, though. “C’mon inside,” she says. “See what my office looks like.”

  I stay where I am, on the edge of the doorway, in the dark interior of the hall. The hallway is lined with real estate certificates and framed photos of houses and property. Past the hallway I can see papers and file folders strewn about a large oak desk. I can see it just fine from here, I think. “Nah…. I’ll just stay here. This won’t take very long. Uhh… listen, Beth, I’d kinda prefer if you didn’t call Julia ‘Jules’ anymore.”

  Surprise writes its way across Beth’s face. “Dusty, I’m afraid I don’t understand… why?”

  Something inside me is untwisting itself slowly, but I don’t feel a thing. All I hear is the air rushing by my head, and all I see is a blank face in front of me. “I guess, I mean….” I know I’m mumbling, but so what? “That was Mom’s old nickname for Julia, and only Matt and I really ever call her that.” That’s a lie; Race called her that all the time, but it’s not like any of the rest of this makes sense anyway. That was Mom’s nickname, and I kind of can’t stand her most of the time, so why does it bother me that Beth wants to use it?

  Beth’s facial expression has slowly gone from one of surprise to distress as I speak. “Dusty…. I really don’t understand this. You don’t consider Jack and me part of your family? Is that the problem?”

  The problem is that I can’t explain what the problem is. The problem is that I haven’t done homework with Julia or Matt in weeks, and Beth is a room mother at their school, and my own mother, who gave Julia that nickname, didn’t even bother to come back home after her daughter had major surgery. And the problem is that sometimes I really like having extra time to hang out with Casey and Emmitt after school. That seems to sum up the problem. But I can’t say any of that, not without sounding like a crazy person. So I just say, “No, not really.”

  Beth’s face is white, so I turn and let myself out the door.

  Outside, I stand for a long moment between the office door and the back door to the house. The sky, as usual, is turning yet another dark gray. The fields stretching out behind me are that same straw-colored brown they were the day we arrived, and everything in my sight looks bleak and hopeless. All those great colorful leaves that had at least been there when we arrived have now fallen off the trees and turned brown. Even the once bright-red house seems dark, a maroon color that looks even angrier than the rest of the landscape. I actually stop for a moment to flip off the hills in front of me—stupid miniature versions of the real mountains back home in Colorado.

  I turn and run through the fields, making it almost ten yards from the office before I vomit into the grass.

  DINNER IS strange. I don’t say much except to Matt and Julia, and Beth and I can’t seem to look each other in the eye. Jack, on the other hand, is cheerful and talkative, so I assume Beth hasn’t said anything to him about our encounter earlier in the evening. “So, gang,” Jack says, stuffing extra green beans into his mouth. “Halloween’s coming up… it’s this week. What’s everyone going as?”

  Of course, Jules and Matt still love Halloween. Thankfully, I’m finally past that age where I can really remember the excitement of dressing up as someone else and gathering candy from every direction, but Jack’s announcement definitely brings a smile to my face when I think about Emmitt’s party invitation.

  Julia bangs her fork excitedly on her plate. “I wanna be a princess! I wanna be a princess!”

  Matt turns quickly on his chair. “You can’t be a princess! My friend Laney is a princess!”

  Julia’s lips quiver. “I can so be a princess if I want to.”

  Matt shakes his head hard. “Nuh-uh, it’s a rule. Two people can’t be the same thing.”

  I hang onto every word they’re saying, astonished. I’ve never heard them argue like this. Back in Colorado they might have had a tiny disagreement here and there, but Matt has never made Julia look like she’s going to cry, I’m sure of that.

  I try to force my mouth open, to make them stop, but Jack beats me to it as he passes out more mashed potatoes.

  “Matt, there’s no reason Julia can’t be the same thing as your friend. I’m sure their costumes will be different anyway.”

  “That’s right,” Beth suddenly speaks up. “I’ll help make both of yours so they’ll be different from everybody else’s. We’ll have to go shopping for costume materials this week.” Julia claps her hands together, and I swear I see Beth look at me out of the corner of her eye.

  I suddenly feel, for some reason, like I am being challenged to a battle. Maybe Beth is just checking to see where I stand with what she just said, but I take it as a confrontation, a direct affront after our earlier conversation in her office. I clear my throat. “I want to take them trick-or-treating,” I demand.

  Just to be clear, I’m not even sure where this comes from. Only minutes ago I was daydreaming about that party, and just a day ago I was thinking about how I’ve never gone to a party like that before. But Matt starts cheering, and Julia says, “Yay! Just like last Halloween,” and that seals it for me. After all, what am I going to do at Aaron’s party? Drool? Watch Emmitt make out with a bunch of female hockey fans?

  Jack glances at me oddly. Beth, I notice, isn’t looking at me at all. She gets up to clear her plate. “That’s fine, Dusty,” she replies. “But just so you know, the houses are too far apart to walk between easily. Jack or I will probably have to drive you guys.” She’s right, of course. Houses here are a mile apart; it isn’t like central Colorado Springs where the kids and I could just walk from place to place.

  Somehow, though, the only part of that sentence I hear is “I will probably have to drive you guys,” and I’m on my feet in seconds. The shoe has dropped, the sword has fallen, and all that other cliché stuff—it’s like I’m Zeb Pike and I’ve decided I am going to finish climbing this stupid mountain, no matter how much damn snow is in the way.

  “Can’t you let me have any time with them?” I shout to her back, and she slowly turns from the sink. She looks tired, but so am I, and I keep going. “You bring them to
school, you bring them home, you tuck them in, and I never get to see them at all. Can’t I have Halloween? All I want is freakin’ Halloween! I’m sick of this!” I finish by slamming my water glass down on the table.

  But the most cliché thing about this little display of temper is that no one’s more surprised by this little tirade than me. Not to mention that while I’m yelling at Beth, there’s a weird moment when I flash back to the doorway of the apartment of Sunny’s and imagine myself yelling at my father like this. A psychologist’s dream, that’s me.

  Jack’s face suggests he’s just as surprised by this episode as I am. Only Beth seems prepared with a response. “Dusty,” she says calmly, clutching a coffee mug tightly, “I understand that you’re upset, and we can definitely talk about Halloween, but why don’t we go talk in the study?” She glances quickly over at Matt and Julia, who are both staring at me and Beth alternately, eyes wide. Great. I really can’t do anything right with them anymore.

  Which is probably why I end up just going for broke. “I hate it here!” I explode. “I want to take them back to the Springs! We’ll be fine; we were always fine before!”

  Beth is about to say something, but Jack stands up. “Dusty,” he begins, and I feel the “teacher” tone take over his voice. It isn’t really angry, just demanding and powerful. “Go up to your room. I’ll be up to talk to you in a minute.”

  Too bad. “Go to your room” isn’t really going to cut it with me right now. “You think I have to listen to you?” I snarl. “I’ve been on my own a long time, and I don’t have to answer to anybody.”

  Jack cocks an eyebrow at me. “You live in my house. Go.”

  I reach for Julia and Matt. “C’mon, guys, I’ll read you a story.” They both start to follow me, still wide-eyed, but Jack shakes his head hard and they stop.

  “No, Dusty. We’re going to talk, just the two of us.” He’s still using teacher voice, but he somehow makes it a little gentler when he says to Matt and Julia, “Go on into the living room and play for awhile, okay, guys? Or you can watch TV. I need to talk to your brother.”

  They make their way out of the room, and I’m left with Beth and Jack staring at me. “Dusty, what’s going on?” Jack asks.

  The room spins. I watch it go around. It’s holding all the things about my life that I just can’t seem to conquer. Dad in the doorway of Sunny’s. Matt in soccer games I’m not there for. Matt in soccer games I always have to be there for. Beth reading stories to Matt and Julia every night, whether I want her to or not. Race in the dingy cafeteria of an old hospital. Emmitt leaning against my locker before first period. “I hate it here,” I half-whisper. In a rush, I run for the door, quickly grabbing my jacket and slamming out of the house.

  The cold air hits me hard, and I suddenly feel all of what has just happened. I don’t get very far down the road before I hear Jack’s truck roaring up behind me. I don’t care as much as I should; it really is freezing outside and I have no idea where I’m going anyway. I hear a door slam and Jack walking up to me, but I keep up my quick pace.

  Jack catches up with me and grabs me by the shoulder. “Get in the truck, Dusty,” he says, sighing. I don’t have any more determination to argue. What else am I going to do, freeze to death?

  In the truck, Jack waits a few minutes before he says anything. “Dusty, what’s really going on here?” he finally asks. “Are you really that upset that Beth’s been spending time with Matt and Julia?”

  I don’t answer.

  Jack pulls into the driveway and cuts the engine, but he puts a hand on my shoulder to keep me from going anywhere. I stare out the window so that I don’t have to look at him. “Listen, Dusty, I know this has been a huge change, and neither Beth nor I expect you to be fine with everything’s that happened.” He squeezes my shoulder a little, probably wanting me to turn around and look at him. I don’t. “Dusty, if you’ll just talk to us, we can make this easier on you. If you want to spend more time with Matt and Julia, we can make that happen. I thought you were enjoying spending time with the LaPoints after school.”

  Oh, if only he knew.

  “Dusty, can you do that? Can you try to talk to us about what you’re thinking, so that you don’t end up screaming at us in the kitchen over trick-or-treating?”

  He just doesn’t get it, and no matter how much he wants me to, I can’t explain it to him. I suddenly start shivering violently. “Whatever,” I mumble.

  Jack sighs and takes his hand off my shoulder. “Dusty,” he says softly, “Beth and I really want to make this work. For all three of you.”

  I didn’t know what I want to make work anymore. So I just go straight to bed. It seems easier that way.

  IT’S AMAZING I learn anything at school the next week, because I spend most of it listening to Casey ramble on and on about the plans for Aaron’s Halloween party. All I hear is, “Dude, Emmitt says if we drink we have to spend the night, but I think that’s an okay idea, don’t you? Not too corny?” or “Emmitt says I can’t invite too many more people or it will piss Aaron off, but the Spanish club isn’t too many more people, right? I mean, there’s only like ten of them,” and “Man, what do you think about music choices? Aaron says we need more stuff people can shuffle too, but I kind of suck at shuffling.” He’s so busy helping to make sure this is the “party of the year” that it’s Thursday, the day before Halloween, before he remembers to ask if I’m even going.

  “So, you coming?” Casey asks me, juggling the piles in his locker before fourth period. I’m waiting for him to get his books for class, and despite how much I’ve had to listen to about the planning of this party, I’m not planning on going.

  “I dunno, dude…. I may take the kids trick-or-treating that night.”

  Casey looks at me in disbelief. “And miss the fiesta? Anyway, Dusty, don’t you need to be able to drive to take them trick-or-treating out in the sticks where you live?”

  That stings momentarily, but I try to let it go. “Ah, who knows. We’ll see.”

  Casey is outraged. “Dude, you gotta go! Emmitt and I hang out with you like, all the time now! He was going to introduce you to all his ‘hockey’ friends.” Casey actually uses air quotes for the word hockey, as though he’s not sure it’s a real thing. “Plus, I got Alicia to come! Just for you!”

  It takes a lot for me not to roll my eyes. Here we go; it’s like the Race thing all over again. I am definitely going to have to learn to start liking girls. There has to be some kind of self-help book out there for this kind of problem, right? Put out by James Dobson or somebody?

  “I don’t know… we’ll see. Who else is going?” Casey rattles off a who’s-who list of Colby High students. A lot of them are hockey players, as promised, and I wonder if Jack would even say yes if I asked him about the party. I think he might. He really trusts and likes Emmitt, and he doesn’t have to know Aaron’s parents aren’t going to be there.

  I’m not sure I can ask him, though. I’ve barely spoken to him since the night of Matt’s soccer game. The drives to and from school are these long uncomfortable loads of silence, with Jack trying to get me to talk about schoolwork and skateboarding and me shrugging at him a whole lot. I kind of know I’m acting like an ass, but I don’t really know how to be any different. I don’t want to talk to him about school or skateboarding or how I feel about Beth and him spending time with Matt and Julia. I just don’t want to talk to him about anything.

  Dinners are pretty weird too. Luckily, Matt and Julia talk enough to make up for me not saying anything. They’ve pretty much proven that television must be ruining kids’ attention spans or something, because it’s like they’ve already forgotten about my fight with Jack and Beth. Plus, they have enough Halloween conversation in them to keep us all going for hours. Jules is going to be a princess; Matt has his alien costume. They like to give us all long explanations of the different costumes their friends will be wearing and why some are better than others.

  Friday the 31st (zero hour, as Cas
ey has taken to calling it) finds me standing by my locker, telling Casey that I don’t think I’m going to make the party that night—apologies and all that. Emmitt comes up to join the conversation and jabs me in the arm. “Why not, Dusty? Is it ’cause you live out in the boondocks? I’ll come pick you up, and you can spend the night at Aaron’s with us. Coach’ll be fine with it. C’mon, we really want you there.”

  He’s killing me, and he doesn’t even know it. He just shakes his hair out of his eyes and winks at me, and he could probably get me to rob a bank with him. Still, I stay strong by reminding myself how excited Matt and Julia were about the idea of me trick-or-treating with them. Not to mention that I’ve hardly seen them all week. Not to mention that Emmitt has most of the girls in school lining up for his number. Not to mention that I am definitely not a girl.

  I shrug. “Thanks for the offer. If I change my mind, I’ll text you, okay?” I avoid their groans by claiming I have to go meet Jack for my ride home, thinking that it’s kind of nice to have people so upset that I’m not going to be hanging out with them.

  Jack and I are barely through the door that afternoon when Matt and Julia accost us both at the doorway. “Look at my costume! Look!” Julia shrieks, spinning around and around. She does look really cute. She has on some kind of pink princess costume, complete with wand and crown.

  Matt’s costume is a bright green stereotypical alien figure. He keeps stalking around the room shouting, “Take me to your leader!”

  Beth comes into the kitchen with her purse on her shoulder. She kisses Jack hello and gives me a huge smile. “So, I thought we’d leave soon to go trick-or-treating. Are you guys ready?”

  Matt and Julia have made my decision for me. They come first; they always have. Plus, if I don’t go, it’s like I’m letting Beth and Jack win somehow…. I’m not sure why, but I’m pretty sure that’s how the whole thing will feel in my head.