by Kar, Alla
Mamaw smiles. “And make me some grandbabies.”
“Well, we don’t plan on having children. There isn’t enough time for that when you have our careers.”
And the world could have ended. Telling Texans that you’re not going to have children either means, you’re sterile or gay.
“None,” Mamaw asks flatly.
“No,” Christopher says.
“Well maybe someday,” I say giving Mamaw a gentle look. Christopher looks down at me, his eyes narrowed.
Mary laughs and I grab my fork again. “I guess you Northerners don’t like babies running ‘round ya feet. They might step on ya two thousand dollar shoes.”
“Well, we know you can’t keep your legs shut long enough to have the chance not to have any babies, huh, Mary?”
“Bridget!” Momma yells.
“Tell her you’re sorry,” Mamaw says, wiping her mouth.
Levi is staring at me and I grit my teeth. “No, I will not. She always says snarky thing to me, why the hell do I have to apologize?”
“You’re the one to talk!” Mary stands up. “You gave it up to Levi when you were seventeen and then left him there broken-hearted going to New York.”
“Well,” I say standing up, slamming my fist on the table. “You were there to pick up the pieces, weren’t you Mary. I would think since you like to talk about others losing their virginity that we could call you Virgin Mary, but that would be the biggest damned lie from here to the fucking moon! We all know you give it up to any fucking body that has a dick between their legs!”
“Shut up! Both of you!” Levi stands up and throws his napkin down. “Nobody wants to hear this petty high school bullshit. What happened between Bridget and me happened a long time ago and it doesn’t matter anymore. So drop it,” Levi says, his eyes burning into mine. He turns on his heel and walks out of the door, followed by Mary.
My breath is coming in hard gasps. Not because of Mary but because of Levi. He is putting everything behind him. The pond, the tailgate, the barn…Nicky’s…the river, our past. I close my eyes and will it all away. When I open them…it’s all still there.
Chapter Eight
Before I get to my bed, I strip off all of my clothes, only in a t-shirt and my underwear, hiding from everyone underneath my covers.
I hear my bedroom door open and I press my face further into the pillow. I wait for someone to say something but they don’t. The shower starts in my bathroom and I figure it’s Christopher. When he gets out, he doesn’t say anything, he just gets into the bed with me.
I wait. Like an idiot, for him to grab me and hold me. He doesn’t.
“So, he was your first?” he asks.
I push down the urge to suffocate him with my pillow. “Yes.”
“He is right. That was a long time ago. I don’t see why you would have acted that way. We aren’t children anymore, Bridget.”
“I can’t imagine you were ever a child.”
Christopher laughs. “I was, once. A long time ago, but I’m an adult now. You should try it.”
“I am an adult,” I say into the side of my pillow.
“Try acting like it, Bridget. Because that display you just showed in the kitchen did not come across as something an adult would do.”
“I have emotions. That’s all.”
“I do too,” Christopher says. “Believe me I do. I was humiliated tonight. I wanted to crawl under the table and die, Bridget.”
Why didn’t you? “Christopher I’m not going to apologize for being mad. She called me out. I had to say something.”
“As I said. Grow up.” He turns his back to me and anger rolls over me. I grab a blanket from the end of the bed and my pillow. I wait a second by the door but Christopher doesn’t say anything. I walk out and into the dark Texas night. I walk to the barn and pull the doors open. The hay is sticky underneath my feet but I don’t care. I pull myself up the ladder and lay my blanket down. There is an indention in the hay from earlier, Levi on top of me. I push it aside and lay down, closing my eyes. I don’t want to feel anything. I want to go to sleep and have everything be okay when I wake up.
***
It’s the damn rooster again that wakes me up and this time, he is in the barn with me. My eyes strain open. I push myself up and look over. On the other side of the loft is the rooster, hollering. Oh, he is going to be hollering. I pick up my flip-flop that is lying at my feet and chunk it at the rooster. He hollers even louder and jumps off the loft, feathers flying everywhere. Serves you right.
“What the fuck!” Levi yells. I cover my mouth and retract my knees. I hear grumbling and the sounds of the ladder moving under weight. “Oh,” Levi says, his eyes catching mine. “Did you throw this at me?” He throws the flip-flop in my direction and I shake my head.
“No, I was throwing it at the rooster, it wouldn’t shut up.”
“Hm,” Levi says. I watch his eyes glance down at my legs and he bites his lip. “Why are you out here?”
I shrug. “Didn’t want to sleep inside…”
“With Christopher?”
I nod. “Yeah. He was upset about supper last night.”
“Can ya blame him? You acted ridiculous. I know you’re jealous but shit, Bridget.”
“Jealous? I’m not jealous! You’re skanky girlfriend called me out in front of the entire table. What was I supposed to do?”
“Skanky girlfriend?” He laughs. “Yeah, you’re jealous. No need to talk ‘bout her just because she isn’t from New York and drives a Lexus and shit.”
“We do not drive a Lexus. Christopher has a BMW.”
“Right,” Levi says and climbs down the ladder.
“You’re the one to talk,” I chase after him. “You’re the one that throws a big hissy fit because Christopher comes down here when you knew he was coming! You’re the one that had your hands on me the entire time…”
Levi turns around, taking two big steps toward me, lowering his head and tipping his hat back. “You wanted me too, Bridge. You liked it. You missed me or you wouldn’t have gone anywhere with me. I asked before I did anything, you allowed it to happen. You wanted me to fuck you.”
“I…”
“You what? You didn’t, tell me now and I’ll apologize for fuckin’ you. I’ll say I’m fuckin’ sorry I gave you the best night I’m sure you’ve had in a long-ass time.” He laughs. “He hasn’t even touched you since he got here. Tell me,” he lowers his head, “did he fuck you last night, Bridget? Did your fiancé make love to you? You slept in the same bed, correct?” I turn my head. “That’s what I thought. You miss me. I know you do. Now you have to realize that you do.”
“Go to hell!” I yell, turning and running toward the house. I don’t look back, because I know he will see the hurt in my eyes. I know he will see that I know what he said was true.
I slam the door and hold my stomach. I feel sick, my throat is tight, my stomach is cramping.
“Princess?”
I look up. Daddy is staring at me, his soft eyes helpful. “Hey,” I say weakly.
“Are you okay?” he asks, sitting down in a kitchen chair and patting his knee. I sniffle a cry and walk toward him, sitting on his knee. “Sweetie,” he coos in my ear. “Are you all right? I heard ya yellin’ out there and thought it might be you and Christopher.”
“No, Levi,” I say into his shoulder.
He brushes his finger through my hair. “What is the matter?”
“Last night. Just all of that stuff.” I look up and he smiles. He picks a piece of hay from my hair.
“Did you get in a fight,” he laughs, his big boom of a laugh. “Did the hay win?”
I smile. “No, I slept out there last night. I just couldn’t be in there with Christopher. It felt…. wrong. He told me to grow up, Daddy.” I held back my cry. I felt like I was sixteen again crying on my Daddy’s shoulders. But that was the only place I wanted to be.
“He is right, ya know.”
“What?” I ask.
“You need to grow up and ask yourself mature questions. What do you want, Bridget. I see the way you and Levi look at each other. It reminds me of your mother and me. You don’t look at Christopher like that. You look at him with admiration. Not love.”
I gulp. “I do love, Christopher, Daddy.” I think I do.
“Then show him. Show him that you love him. But don’t drag along Levi if you don’t want him. And,” Daddy says patting my shoulder and standing up, “if your momma and me fought so softly like Christopher and you, we wouldn’t be married.”
My jaw drops. Had they been listening to us last night?
“Just somethin’ to think ‘bout, darlin’. Now, I have to get to work and you have details to work out with your Momma. She is really excited ‘bout the wedding. Don’t let her down. Make up ya mind, baby girl.”
Daddy walks out of the house and I curl my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees. I close my eyes and let the tears fall down my face. When the kitchen floor squeaks I look up. Christopher is standing there. He has on a pair of khaki shorts, Doc Martins and a white button down.
“Sweetheart,” he says, walking toward me. “Are you all right? Stand up, come on.” He helps me up and I know I look a mess. My hair is crazy, my eyes watering and my body overheating. “I’m sorry about last night. Look at me,” he lifts my chin, “I would have been angry, too. We just need to work on getting your anger managed.” I nod and look blankly at him. “Is there anything you would like to tell me? Do you not want to marry me anymore?” I look up at him, stricken. Of course I do. I’ve loved you for three years, is what I want to say. But something is hurting me. Something is not right.
“Yes, I do, believe me I do. You’re all I ever wanted in a guy. You’re successful, you know what you want, you love me, and I love you. You can provide for me. It’s a woman’s dream.”
Christopher smiles and I notice that it really reaches his eyes. It feels like an avalanche has hit my chest. I’ve made a promise to him. I have to keep my promise.
“Oh!” he says, taking a box out of his pocket. “I know when I proposed I said I would get you the best ring. Well, I finally found one I thought you might like.” I grab the box and it feels shaky in my hands. I open it and a large diamond is sitting in the middle, glaring up at me. I smile. Of course, it’s perfect.
“It’s a Tiffany. I know you love that place.” He takes the ring and slips it on my finger. “It looks perfect on you. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Christopher leans down and I pucker my lips but he kisses my nose.
“So, would you like to go show your mother? I know she wants to talk about the wedding. She is so excited. Have you thought anything else about it?”
“Bridget!” Momma yells from the hallway. By the look on her face, I know she has overheard our entire conversation. “Let me see, darlin.’” She picks up my hand and gushes over it, laughing, smiling and almost dancing. “Tell me! Have you thought anymore to havin’ the wedding here? Please tell me, now!”
Daddy’s words flow through my ears. Make a decision, be an adult, don’t drag your mother or Levi along.
“Yes. I think we should have it here.”
***
It’s only been two hours and Momma already has called everyone in town. There are wedding planning books scattered all over the kitchen bar. We have almost everything picked out. The dress has been picked out for months. It will be shipped from London tomorrow to our apartment in New York. My aunt, whom I haven’t seen in seven years, is here to help. I don’t want help. I want it to be quiet, beautiful and quaint. I want it to be over.
The day goes by in a blur. I barely hear what anyone is saying. I give the occasional smile when needed and laugh when everyone else does. When dinner comes around, we have the colors and theme picked out for my wedding. Silver and pink.
I’m thrilled to see Mary isn’t here, but neither is Levi. I don’t ask why. I can’t manage to get a normal sentence out of my mouth. It all comes out flustered, unintelligible.
“So, the BBQ is Wednesday,” Momma barks out. This catches my attention.
“What BBQ?”
Momma frowns. “Bridget, we’ve only talked ‘bout it all day today, what’s the matter with you?”
“I’m just…” I glance at Levi’s empty seat and back up to Christopher who is staring at me, brows furrowed. Daddy has his eyes on me, and I remember his words. “Nervous, I guess. Overwhelmed.”
Mamaw laughs. “Every girl is nervous ‘fore her weddin.’ Bless her heart. Y’all leave the girl alone, will ya?”
Momma smiles. “It’s okay sweetie. Anyways, the BBQ is for just inviting everyone out to the house for a get together before the wedding. It’s short notice, ya know. Next Saturday is gonna come fast.” I cringe. I know they said next Saturday, but hearing it out loud, in front of everyone, really makes me believe it…makes me realize it’s real.
I nod and pick at my plate. “Sounds good.”
My family is all talking, laughing and making plans. This can be a good thing for me. I lift my head up and avert my eyes from Levi’s empty seat the entire night. I’m going to have fun on my wedding night, damn it!
Chapter Nine
The week goes by in a quick flash. I stay by Christopher’s side most of the time. He ignores me when I mention the fair but does agree to watch me ride Halo.
“It shouldn’t be that hard, honey,” Christopher says, leaning against the fence post outside the barn. I give him a look but he doesn’t notice the flare of my nose. He is too busy emailing on his Blackberry. I could be missing for three days and he wouldn’t notice, but let his Blackberry go missing. He looks out of place against the fence. His crisply ironed clothing looks like it belongs in GQ and not in a Texas field.
“It’s harder than it looks, sweetheart,” I say, swinging my leg over Halo. I sigh. It only took me thirty minutes to saddle her up. She didn’t want to be still for me. “Okay, here we go.”
“Be careful, honey.”
I look over and Christopher hasn’t even looked up. I roll my eyes, and gently tap the side of Halo. She squeals, raring back and starts to run. Fast. I yelp, gripping onto her for dear life. I close my eyes and pray I land in a position where I won’t be killed or bruise my face. The wedding is only three days away and I don’t need to look like Christopher beats me.
“Slow down!” I scream, pulling on my reins, she goes harder, raising her head and running. We are so far out in the field that Christopher looks like a small speck on my radar. It’s not like he can help me anyway. When I glance back, my breath catches. Levi is on Bridge, his lasso above his head. He is raised off the horse, his hat hiding his face. His muscles ripple as he swings the lasso above his head. His eyes catch mine and I know he is just saving me, but it feels like I’m the only one he wants to save. I’m the only one he is ever going to look at.
When the lasso catches Halo’s neck, I snap out of it. We jerk back and I try and grip her back but I don’t, falling onto the hard ground. I screech, covering my arms over my face. She bucks until she is no longer over me. “Shit,” I swear. I hear the sound of both horses running and I glance up.
“Are you okay? Here, get up.” Levi is above me, resting his hand on my back, helping me up. “I told ya hardheaded ass we had to get Halo to like you again before we tried.”
I cough and swat his hand away. “I’ve been giving her apples. She should like me, hell.”
“It takes more than an apple to get someone’s attention, Bridget.” I look up at Levi and his brows are furrowed. I guess it does take more than forbidden fruit to get someone to love you again.
“Yes, guess you’re right.”
“When is it?”
“What?” I ask, already knowing the answer.
With his brow still creased, he stands up offering me his hand. I take it, standing up stretching my back. “The wedding. The BBQ is tonight right?”
“Saturday,” I say. “Yeah the BBQ is tonight
.” I groan and hold my head. “Damn, I have a fucking headache.”
Levi smiles. “Come on, I have some first aid in the barn. You’re pretty scratched up.” I look down to my arm where he is pointing. I’m bleeding.
“Okay.”
Levi helps me to the barn. We get all the way to Christopher before he even notices that I’ve fallen. “Baby!” he shouts. “Are you okay? What the hell happened? I thought you knew what you were doing.”
Levi snorts and I shoot him a glance. “I do. Halo just doesn’t remember me very well.”
Christopher’s eyes move toward Levi. “Do you have her? I have a conference call in ten.”
Levi looks at me. “Yeah, I have her.”
I sit on the stool Papaw uses to brush the horses. The barn door is open and the hot Texas sun is shining in on us. Levi pulls out his first aid kit from a shelf in the corner of the barn. He takes out a few Band-Aids and some rubbing alcohol. I bite my lip, afraid he isn’t going to talk to me at all.
“So, thanks,” I say, lamely.
Levi bends down to my legs and glances up at me. “Doesn’t look like there is anyone else to help ya out.”
I squeeze my fingers together. “Guess not.”
Levi works in silence. He rubs cotton soaked in alcohol on my legs and then moves to my arm. When he finishes, I don’t get up. I sit there.
“We’re done,” he says, placing the kit back on the shelf. “You can leave.”
I shrug and pull at the end of my curl. “I don’t feel like it, I guess.”
Levi sighs, takes off his hat and rubs his forehead. “Bridget, look. I’ve been prayin’ ‘bout some stuff and I have to say this. I have to tell you how I feel because if I wait it might be too late and I will always wonder what if. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle knowin’ I could have had you and didn’t say what I needed to say.”
I stare at him, his eyes are on mine and his jaw is set. “Okay,” I breathe out.