by Kar, Alla
Levi walks toward me, his brows furrowed. He drops to his knees and takes my hands in his calloused ones. “I love you, Bridget.” I close my eyes and shake my head, holding back a cry.
“No, don’t you dare cry. Just listen. I’ve loved you since ninth grade when I saw you walk into the cafeteria in your boots. You rolled your eyes at me because I was starin.’ Do you ‘member?” Levi whispers. I nod my head and keep my eyes on the ground.
“I’ve loved you ever since then. The other night I had with you might have been wrong, Kitten, but it felt so fuckin’ right. But if not touchin’ you is the cost, I won’t, just to have ya again. This all happened for a reason. You comin’ down here was for us to have another chance. But it’s up to you now. It is. It’s up to you.” Levi looks down and shakes his head, when he looks back up, tears are welled up in them.
“I won’t hate you if you say no. ‘Cuz we all know that he is the best fit for you. He is what you’ve always wanted, he can provide for you and I’m just a ranch hand that doesn’t make a lot of money. Just enough for a nice simple life and everybody in town knows you deserve more, baby. But I would give you love, somethin’ I know I can give you tons of.” Levi reaches down and kisses the top of my hand. My lips tremble and I bite back a cry. Please don’t cry.
“Levi, I…,”
“Bridget,” Mamaw calls from the barn door.
“Damn it,” Levi says standing up, rubbing his neck. “Hey Mrs. Gaines. Just patchin’ Bridget up. She had a little accident on Halo.”
“Oh my,” Mamaw says walking around the corner. “Are you alright? Anything visible?”
I shake my head and use this as an excuse to stop my crying. “No, ma’am. Just my legs and arm. Nothing on the money maker,” I point toward me face.
She smiles and gestures for me to follow her. “Come on, let’s get ready. The BBQ starts in a few hours. Are you comin’, Levi?”
Levi looks over at me. “Yes, ma’am. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Alrighty then, it starts at seven.”
***
The air is thick with smoke from the grill. Mamaw has the entire store, down the road from us, cooking on it too. I look out my bathroom window and see people I haven’t spoken to in years, outside. People I don’t know and people I wish weren’t there. I’ve spotted Brandon, Mary and Katy. I close my eyes and turn to sit on the closed toilet. The air in the room feels foggy and scarce.
My mind is racing and I can barely think straight. Christopher is all packed up to go back to New York tonight after the BBQ. He has to pick up his tux, my dress and a few other things from home. I’m secretly waiting for him to leave. I need to think. I hate having to watch my facial expressions around him. He always asks what’s wrong and it drives me insane. Can’t a woman think to herself?
“Knock knock,” Momma says as she walks into my room. I always wondered why she says knock knock if she is going to come in anyway? “You’re not ready? The party is swingin’ and the bride is nowhere to be found?”
I smile and stand up. I’m in my underwear, but I don’t care. “Could you?” I ask and point toward my dress. It’s white and comes above my knee, fitted to me. I want to dye it dark because I feel anything but pure at the moment.
“Sure, baby, arms up!” I raise my arms and Momma slips it on me, zipping it and patting my butt. “What I would do to have your butt.”
I smile and roll my eyes. “Everyone has a butt, Momma.”
“Not everyone’s is as tight as yours.” She laughs. I know someone who does have a tight ass. I shake my head. “Sweetie, are you okay? Is everything alright?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“You know you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone. This is the time a woman is supposed to talk to her Momma ‘bout stuff. It’s your weddin’ dinner.”
I smile. It’s too late. It’s too late to talk to you ‘bout it. The decision is made. I’m marrying Christopher. “Nope. Just nervous,” I lie.
She takes a blonde curl and pushes it behind my ear. “Okay then, let’s go do this thing.”
I smile and walk behind her.
The party is all there when I get outside. They clap when I walk out and I wish they wouldn’t. If you knew what I done, you wouldn’t be clapping.
I speak to a few people, fix myself a plate and avoid everyone for as long as I can. I’m in the middle of stuffing my face with ribs when Mary and Levi walk out to the dance floor together. I avert my gaze and see Christopher talking to Katy’s fiancé. Figures. I see Mamaw and get up.
“Where is Papaw?” I ask.
She frowns. “He is in the bed. He isn’t feelin’ good, sweetheart.”
“But—he needs to see this.”
“I know,” she tucks my hair behind my ear. “I know, baby. You can tell him ‘bout it tomorrow, okay?”
I swallow a lump in my throat and walk off to the side of the house, hiding from the people that I know will stare when they see my tears.
“Bridget,” I hear and look up. Brandon is standing in front of me. His crisp clothing ironed, he has a cigar in his hands and his green eyes are glued to me. “Are you okay? You’re supposed to be the life of the party and you’re hiding. Is something wrong?”
I sigh and place my head against the side of the house. “No, just tired and overwhelmed. I am getting married.”
Brandon takes a long drag on his cigar and he keeps his eyes on me, like a wolf on its prey. “Well, marriage is a very important thing.” He flicks his cigar and throws it into the bush. “I believe everyone should experience it once…or twice.” He smiles, taking a step toward me.
I quickly contemplate my escape methods. I could try and out run him, which seems unlikely. We’ve only been out of high school seven years, I’m mostly sure he can still run enough to catch me. My heart hammers so hard I can feel it in my sternum. He takes a large step and is close to me, too close.
“Bridget,” he says slyly, “it’s been so long since you’ve had another man, am I correct?” Ah shit. “Why don’t we start off where we left off prom night? In the lobby, do you remember, darling?”
“We didn’t start anywhere. You forced yourself on me and Levi kicked your ass.” Levi. My heart thumps an extra beat thinking about it.
He rolls his eyes and steps closer to me, this time, wrapping his arm around my waist, bringing me close to him. He smells of tobacco and cigar smoke. I almost gag in his face.
“You want me now just like you did then. You were just too much of a goody-goody to take charge back then. Now, I’m not taking no for an answer, because you’ll regret it when you walk away. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Did someone spray you with pepper spray? Obviously, your vision is impaired. I do not, nor have I ever wanted you. I find you rather trashy, myself.”
He smiles and swooshes his blonde hair from his face. “Awe, always so sassy, I love it,” he whispers low into my ear.
“Come on, let go.”
“Sweetie, just go with it.” His lips are at my ear now and I push at him.
“No!” I yell this time, struggling. This is not going to happen. The last time it almost happened, kids saw him forcing himself on me and went to get Levi. I look around now, there aren’t any kids around today. “Get off!” I scream louder, hoping someone will hear me.
“Shhh, now, Bridget or you will attract some guest’s attention.” He wraps his hand around my mouth and I bite down until I taste blood. “You lil’ bitch!” I push against him again but he goes frigid, dropping his hands. When I turn, Levi is behind him, he has Brandon’s arm twisted behind his back and is looking straight at me.
“Well, well, I knew you would come for her, ya prick. You want your ass whooped again, like senior year? I suggest you take your pervish ass away from the house and this family. Go fuck yourself. I don’t give a damn. But fuck off.” Levi pushes Brandon to the ground and he hops up and staggers off.
“You both are,” Brandon points at both of us. “Southern tras
h. You deserve one another.” He flips us off and walks toward the line of cars in the distance. I feel Levi’s eyes on the back of my head and I turn.
“Levi, I…”
He shakes his head, slowly. “No, don’t. Just…” he squints and offers me his hand “…dance with me.”
I take his hand and let him pull me close to him. I take in his woodsy smell and smile to myself. I don’t know how long he holds me against him, swaying to the music in the distance. It doesn’t matter that the music has changed and they are playing the Cupid’s Shuffle.
“Levi, I’m sorry about Brandon.”
“It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. But,” he pulls back, his calloused hands tight on my shoulders, “there are things I want to say that I’m not sure how to get them out. But, I’m gonna try, Bridge.”
I nod for him to continue. I squeeze my hands together and he lowers his hand to take mine. “I told you I love you. You know that, I know that. Hell, all of Humble probably knows that. That isn’t gonna change anytime soon.” He clears his throat. “I… have you ever heard that sayin’ if you love somethin’ let it go and if it’s meant to be it’ll come back?”
Pressing my eyes shut I nod. He continues, “That is what I feel this is. I feel love…faith…whatever it is, is giving us another chance. You came back here for this…for us. I love you Bridget and I’m going to give you another shot to tell me that you love me too. I know you do, you just need to admit it to yourself.”
I snatch away. “Levi! What good would it do? I’ve made a promise to Christopher. I’m getting married Saturday! I can’t do this to him. I can’t expect him to forget the last three years. I just…can’t.” I bite back my tears, my heart is hammering and I hate the feeling of letting him go. It burns. It feels like someone is pouring cement over me. I would rather that happen now. Anything to avoid the devastated look on his face.
He nods. “Okay, that’s all I needed to know. We should,” he clears his throat, “We should get back. They are probably lookin’ for ya.”
I don’t remember walking to the party. I don’t remember making small talk. I can barely remember talking with Christopher, dancing with him. My mind races as I help pick up after the party and bring the gifts in afterwards.
I don’t think straight until I’m in the shower, naked, my hand tracing the places Levi was.
Christopher stands outside of the shower curtain, he doesn’t care enough to look, or take me in here. He is too busy packing his bag to go back to the apartment.
My dress and his tux need to be picked up and he offered to get them. I didn’t object. I want to have one night to sleep by myself. Not feel self-conscious about what I’m wearing. Or doing what might look bad for the people of New York. Screw, New York.
Christopher gets in the truck with Holt who is taking him to the Houston airport. “I’ll see you soon, Bridget.” He leans in and I grab his face, forcing him to kiss me. He pulls away. “Wow, Bridget calm down, sweetheart.” My heart sinks. My skin burns. “I will be back Friday.”
I nod and watch them drive off. My stomach feels like it's dropping and I can’t stop it. I go inside, and crawl into bed. I don’t know what marriage is like… but I’m pretty sure two people are supposed to be happy.
Chapter Ten
The rooster hollers, but I’m already awake. My eyes barely shut last night. I roll over and look at the ivory ceiling.
“Get up, your Papaw is bein’ taken to the hospital,” Levi says from the doorway. I don’t waste any time. I get up, pull on a pair of jeans and run behind Levi. Tears are falling by the time we get to Levi’s truck. He slams the truck into drive and spins gravel down the road.
“When? What happened?” I ask, words coming out in a gasp.
“This morning, just a few minutes ago. They told me to get you, bring you to the hospital. They say his disease makes his brain stop working and controlling organs. His are failing, Bridget. I’m so sorry.”
I lean back against the seats and try to take big gasps. I can’t breathe. My heart hurts; my chest is on fire.
“Shhh, Bridge. It’s okay.”
I nod but I don’t look at him. I close my eyes and wait until we are at the hospital. When Levi pulls up, we are both out of the truck within seconds. Levi grabs my hand and pulls me to the office. He talks to the lady, but I’m too occupied noticing the death smell in the hospital to pay attention.
“He is in room 305. Come on.” When we get to the room I see everyone standing on the outside. Momma runs toward me. I fight the urge to break down in her arms, it’s my papaw but her dad.
“Shhh,” I say, brushing her hair back.
“Baby, we have to talk to all of you,” Mamaw says from behind us. She walks out of the room. She closes her eyes, and I watch a tear stream down her wrinkled face. Levi grips my hand and I’m glad he does.
“Papaw has been asked about his condition. They can keep him on the ventilator to keep him alive, but if they take it off he will die.”
As bad as I’ve been biting my lip, I let out a cry. Levi pulls me to him. I soak his shirt with my tears. “He wants to see you, Bridget.” I feel Mamaw’s pat on my back, and I nod. Shuffling my feet, I walk into his room and close the door.
He is lying helplessly on the bed with the papery sheets. The monitors are beeping and his chest is moving up and down. “Bridget,” he says.
“Yes, it’s me, Papaw. I’m here.”
His sky blue eyes open and he smiles. “Well, come here. Lay with me.” I walk forward and rest on the paper sheets with him. He holds me for a while before we say anything. I savor his sawdust and leather smell. It could be my last. “Bridget, I’m sorry I won’t see your wedding. I won’t hurt anymore.”
I grit my teeth. “It’s fine. At least you got to meet Christopher. I don’t want you to hurt Papaw.”
He nods and I squeeze him tighter. “About that, darlin’.” He rubs my back softly. “There is somethin’ I want to talk to you ‘bout, okay? I don’t want you to get mad and think I’m tryin’ tell ya what to do but…he isn’t right for you, Tiger.”
I cringe, tears scorching down my face. I try to hold back the blubber, but it falls anyways. “I know,” I whisper.
Papaw laughs. “I always knew you was a bright one. Have you told him yet?”
“Christopher?”
“No, Levi.”
“Told him what?”
“That you love him?”
I smile into his chest. “I think I missed my chance. I don’t think he will give me another one. He told me and I stood there like an idiot.”
“Oh, Tiger. He will let you in. He will always let you in. You need to tell them, both. Tell them the truth, from your heart.”
“I will.”
“I’ve suffered for a while now, Bridget. I’m really glad you got to see me. I’ve been waitin’ on you. I’ve been waitin’. I’ve wanted to go so many times but somethin’ pulled me back. It was you. I was waitin’ on you.”
I press my face into his chest. “Papaw, please…”
“Shhh, none of that, darlin. None of that. It’s a big time for me. I won’t have to suffer anymore. I won’t have to forget who I am. I can know everythin’ now. Just promise me you’ll do what your heart tells you…like I am mine?”
I nod into his chest. “I love ya, Papaw.”
“I love you too, Tiger.”
I lay there until the nurse pries me from his arms. Everyone takes his or her turn talking to Papaw. When we leave, I know they are stopping the monitors. I know they are letting him go. That is what he wanted.
***
Friday rolls around and we have the funeral. It’s in the back yard at the ranch. Christopher isn’t here, but I’m glad that he isn’t. I need this time alone. I need to think. We all make our last words and dismiss ourselves.
I wait for Christopher on the front porch. His brow furrows when he pulls up. “I’m sorry about your grandfather,” he says, but he is too busy looking at his bag pack
ed on the front porch. “I got the dress… it’s beautiful…wait. What’s going on?”
I sigh, press my lips together and smile. “Christopher. We can’t do this. You know it and I know it.”
He shakes his head and holds his forehead. “What? Why? You’ve….you were happy about it? Do you want to wait?”
“No. I don’t want to do it at all. I love you, Christopher. But we aren’t right for one another. You’re loafers and limos. And at heart…I’m horses and…cowboys.”
Christopher smiles. It’s not the fake one this time. “Levi?” he takes a step forward.
I nod. “Don’t be mad at me, Christopher….but I love him. I have a past with him and I can see a future with him. We don’t touch…or look at each other like we should. It’s just not normal.”
Christopher nods, his crystal blue eyes staring into me. “I agree. I don’t think I’m ready for marriage. I’m too busy…maybe one day.”
“One day.” I smile and lean into him. He hugs me and I feel it’s the first true hug I’ve gotten from him…ever. Christopher loads his things and says goodbye to my family. Momma is on the verge of tears, but I see Daddy smiling. I nod at him and walk outside and to the barn.
Levi is bailing hay when I walk in. He has lost his shirt and is sweating. “Levi,” I say.
He glances up, his eyes roam over me from head to toe and I get a tingle down to the depths of my toes. “Yeah? What’s goin’ on?”
I walk toward him and he meets me halfway. He slowly takes off his gloves and his dark eyes are worried. “What’s wrong? Did somethin’ happen?”
“Yeah,” I whisper, stepping closer. I rest my hands on his chest and he looks down.
“Don’t, Bridget—don’t tempt my self-control. You’re marryin’ Christopher and you made your choice.”
“Yeah I have.” I reach up and interlock my fingers in his hair. He groans and pushes me back.
“Where is Christopher? What are you sayin,’ Bridget?”
“First off, it’s Kitten to you. Secondly, Christopher is on his way back to New York. I ended it.”
Levi’s eyes are intense on mine and I bite my lip. Come on, Cowboy, get what I’m saying. He leans closer to my mouth. “Are you sayin’ you’re not gettin’ married?” He pushes me against the stall door. Pressure builds in my clit and I feel myself getting wet; it starts to pool in my panties