See Me Not

by Janelle Harris

  ‘I know that’—I shrug—‘but your wife doesn’t. I remember the way you used to look at me. Like your cock wanted a taste. And you haven’t changed a bit. Your beady little eyes couldn’t get enough of my tits when I came through the door twenty minutes ago. It wouldn’t take much to convince your wife that you’re a cheating little pervert.’

  ‘Jane, please? I have kids.’

  ‘I had a kid. But you didn’t give a shit about that when you kicked me out with nowhere to go.’

  ‘You couldn’t pay the rent, Jane. I had no choice. If the other tenants found out I was going soft …’

  ‘My husband had just killed himself. I was heavily pregnant, and you didn’t even give me three whole weeks to get my head together. You’re a vile bastard. Actually, maybe I should just go upstairs right now and have a quick word with Mrs Nowak anyway.’

  ‘Jane. Please. Stop. Just give me a minute to think. I haven’t seen you in five years. This is all a bit sudden, you know.’

  ‘I’m not asking for a kidney, Eddie. Just a couple of nights here. It’s the least you fucking owe me.’

  ‘Why have you come back, Jane? Why now? I already told you I don’t want trouble.’

  ‘And I already told you I have some unfinished business I need to sort out.’

  ‘Are you in trouble?’ Eddie takes a step back and stuffs his shaking hands into his pockets. ‘With the cops, I mean. Are they going to come looking for you?’

  ‘The only person who’s going to come looking for me is my sister. She’s the only one who’ll figure out where I am.’

  Eddie’s eyes are scrambling all over me. He’s not ogling my body the way he was when I first walked through the door. Now, he’s eyeing me like something he scraped off his shoe.

  ‘Are you bringing your kid here too?’ he slurs.

  The corners of my lips twitch, and it takes concentration not to let how much I miss my son show on my face. ‘No. It’s just me.’

  ‘Okay.’ Eddie nods. ‘Two nights. Three max. And then you have to go, Jane. For good this time.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Eddie. I’ll definitely be gone for good this time.’

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  EMMA

  It’s early when I wake up. David is lying so far over the other side of the bed it took me a few seconds to realise he was actually there at all. He snores loudly, and I know he’s in a deep sleep. I guess he stayed awake late last night, staring at that scan picture he thinks I didn’t see.

  I get dressed and creep down the stairs. David’s a heavy sleeper, but I take a huge amount of care to tiptoe on each step nonetheless. I don’t bother to make coffee before I leave, and I know I’ll have a headache before I reach the end of the road. But I’ve no time for distraction this morning.

  I wrap up warmly and pull the front door closed behind me. I flinch as it slams loudly, and I stand statue-like on the front step for a few seconds. The bedroom curtains don’t twitch, and the house doesn’t come to life. I sigh, relieved that David could sleep through a tornado.

  A shower of early morning rain has turned the heavy snow into slippery sludge. My car needs new tyres, so I decide against driving. Walking will give me time to think. Time to prepare what I’m going to say.

  A twenty-minute bus ride later, I’m standing at Kim’s door. I tried calling her a couple of times from the bus, but she didn’t answer. I know Kim adores clinging to the bed until the last possible moment, so I’m confident she’s at home. I ring the doorbell and knock several times before I hear movement inside.

  ‘Emma.’ Kim gasps as she drags the door open. ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Um. No. Not really. I need your help.’

  ‘Yeah. Sure. Okay.’ Kim nods, her barely-there silky black nightdress doesn’t offer much cover, and she shivers as the icy wind whips past me and into her warm house.

  ‘Everything okay down there?’ Andy’s voice carries from the top of the stairs.

  ‘Yeah. Everything’s fine. Emma’s here.’ Kim twists away from the door to throw her voice. ‘Go back to sleep.’

  ‘He only just got here a few minutes ago,’ Kim explains. ‘He’s on the night shift this week.’ Kim’s rosy cheeks and damp, matted hair tell me she and Andy have had a very busy few minutes.

  ‘This is a bad time, isn’t it?’ I blush.

  ‘It’s okay. It’s okay.’ Kim shivers.

  Andy comes into view at the top of the stairs. He’s wearing white boxers and nothing else. Despite the freezing temperatures outside, my face is hot, and my back is sticky and sweating.

  ‘Hi, Andy,’ I say, waving my bandaged hand awkwardly as he approaches, and I can tell I instantly make him uncomfortable.

  He tosses his eyebrows and politely waves back, taking position behind Kim.

  Kim’s eyes dropped to my bandage, and she shakes her head.

  ‘It was an accident.’ I defend myself automatically. ‘Broken picture frame.’

  ‘Right. Okay,’ Kim says, and I know she doesn’t believe me.

  ‘I’m sorry. I can tell you’re busy.’ I clear my throat. Kim and Andy look at each other, and the level of awkwardness is off the scale. ‘It’s just, I need to find someone. And I know you can help me. It’s really important. I wouldn’t turn up like this if it wasn’t serious.’’

  ‘Oh, Emma.’ Kim’s eyes search Andy for support, but he doesn’t say a word. ‘It’s freezing outside. Come in. Let’s get some coffee.’

  ‘Good idea,’ Andy says. ‘I’ll get dressed and make myself scarce so you two can talk.’

  Andy slides his arm around Kim’s waist and pulls her close enough to kiss on the cheek.

  ‘I’ll call you later.’ Kim smiles.

  ‘Andy, wait,’ I say. ‘It’s actually you I was hoping to talk to.’

  Kim’s eyes widen. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yeah. Look, can we sit down or something? This is complicated,’ I confess.

  ‘Okay.’ Andy smiles stiffly.

  He must think I’m bonkers. And I hate that I’m sabotaging the early stages of Kim and Andy’s relationship with my twisted drama.

  ‘Let me just go upstairs and put something on.’ Andy winces. ‘We’ll talk then.’

  I follow Kim into the compact kitchen and pull out a high stool to sit on at the breakfast bar. Kim fills the kettle and takes a packet of half-open biscuits out of an overhead cupboard.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she says, placing the biscuits on the countertop and spinning them around, so the open end is facing me.

  I nod and take a biscuit. ‘Yeah. I think I am.’

  ‘David called me yesterday.’ Kim takes a biscuit too.

  ‘And?’ I say, taking a bite.

  ‘And he told me about the baby. Oh God, Emma. I don’t know what to say.’

  I spit biscuit into my hand. ‘Ugh, Kim.’

  ‘Oh God, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted you to know that I know …’

  I start to laugh, and Kim glares at me open-mouthed.

  ‘They’re stale,’ I say, pointing at the biscuit. ‘That’s all. You haven’t upset me. Don’t worry.’

  Kim bites into her biscuit and instantly spits it into the sink. ‘Oh, Jesus, yuck.’

  Kim laughs and passes me some tissue. ‘Seriously, though. You have to be shaken after news like that. What are you going to do?’

  I shrug. I scrape the soggy biscuit from my hand, roll it up in the tissue, and toss the mess into the bin beside me. I stand up and make my way around Kim to wash my hand in the sink.

  ‘Emma, seriously. Look at me. I’m worried about you. This is a lot to take in. I can tell you’re devastated.’

  ‘I’m not,’ I promise, turning around so Kim can see the honesty in my eyes. ‘I don’t believe her.’

  ‘Oh, Emma.’

  ‘Kim, trust me. I’m not in denial or anything. I know she’s bullshitting.’

  ‘How can you be sure?’ Kim pulls out a high stool and sits down facing me.

  I lean my
back against the sink. ‘She’s trying to mess with my head. And so far, she’s been doing a bloody good job. But this baby stuff is a step too far. What’s the one thing you know I’m sensitive about?’

  Kim shakes her head, and I can tell she has no idea what I’m talking about.

  ‘Babies, Kim. Babies. I can’t talk about them; I can’t be around them. It’s all just a big reminder of my past.’

  ‘But Amber doesn’t know that.’

  ‘Actually,’ I say wide-eyed, ‘I’m pretty sure that she does. She seems to know bloody everything. And that’s what I want to find out. How does she know so much about me? Why does she care?’

  ‘Maybe David confides in her,’ Kim suggests gently.

  My eyes narrow. I hate the thought of David talking to Amber about anything personal. ‘Well, he can’t have told Amber about our baby – he only just found out himself.’

  ‘You told him?’ Kim balks.

  I shrug her shock off.

  ‘Oh, my God. Wow,’ Kim gushes. ‘What did he say?’

  I scrunch my nose and shake my head. ‘Can we not talk about this now? It was a long time ago. It happened a long time ago.’

  Kim chews on the inside of her lip, and it pulls her chin into an unusual shape. ‘Yeah, sure.’ She nods. ‘It was a long time ago. But you’ve never really gotten over it.’

  ‘Kim, seriously. Please.’ I roll my shoulders up and back. ‘I don’t want to go over all this again. That’s not why I’m here.’

  ‘Go over what again?’ Andy says, striding into the kitchen.

  He drapes a pink and white fluffy dressing gown over Kim’s shoulders, and she slides her arms gratefully in.

  ‘Nothing. Just girl talk,’ Kim lies, nodding towards me.

  ‘Have you two been so busy nattering you haven’t even made the coffee yet?’ Andy jokes, pottering about the tiny space gathering cups and sugar and milk. It’s obvious he’s comfortable and knows his way around Kim’s kitchen.

  ‘So,’ Andy says, spooning some instant coffee into the cups. ‘What did you want to talk to me about?’

  I inhale sharply and shake my head. I dread the words that are about to come out of my mouth, but I have to say them.

  ‘I need to find Jane Burke.’

  Andy spills some boiling water on the countertop and jumps back. Kim rushes over with some tissues and checks that he’s okay. They’re a sweet couple. The more I get to know Andy, the more I like him.

  ‘I know David asked you to look into all this stalker stuff,’ I say, hoping to put him at ease.

  ‘It wasn’t anything official, Emma. There were no reports filed or anything like that. I really just pulled up a name. Just a small favour for David.’

  ‘It’s okay.’ I smile. ‘I’m not upset, and I don’t think you were going behind my back or anything. I get it. David was worried, and you were helping. Thanks.’

  Andy finishes making the coffees and passes them around.

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, glad to have something to wash the taste of rotten biscuit out of my mouth.

  ‘Emma, what’s going on?’ Kim says, not touching her coffee. ‘It’s eight thirty on a Wednesday morning. You’re not a morning person. And you never come over unannounced. I’m worried about you.’

  ‘It’s this Jane Burke stuff,’ I admit, taking a huge slug of weak coffee. ‘I need to find her.’

  Andy shakes his head. ‘We traced the broadband account, Emma. It’s a pay-as-you-go plan. No address. It’s a dead end. I’m sorry.’

  ‘But you had an address you told David?’

  ‘Just somewhere she lived years ago. Nothing helpful.’

  ‘It’s a start,’ I say.

  ‘Emma, this will fizzle. I’m sure of it. Nine times out of ten, this online nonsense turns out to be a disgruntled schoolmate holding a grudge. Or a bored teenager getting their kicks.’

  ‘Maybe.’ I shrug. ‘But maybe not.’

  ‘Emma, if you’re really worried, come by the station later, and we can open a case. Would that make you feel better?’

  ‘No. No. I don’t want to waste police time. I’ll look into it myself. Can you give me the address you found?’

  ‘Are you going to go there?’ Andy asks, his breezy nature suddenly being replaced with a strong, sterner self, and I can only imagine this is a peek at Andy, the policeman.

  I shrug.

  ‘Do you know Jane Burke?’ Andy asks.

  ‘No.’ I shake my head. ‘But I’ve seen her, I think. At the graveyard. And at Danny’s funeral.’

  ‘If you don’t know her, how do you know you’ve seen her?’ Kim asks, visibly confused.

  ‘Because she’s not Jane Burke. She’s Amber Hunter.’

  Kim gasps. ‘Oh, Emma. That’s crazy.’

  ‘I know,’ I agree. ‘But you haven’t seen the way Amber looks at me.’

  ‘Emma, there’s bound to be dirty looks,’ Kim softens. ‘Your husband has gotten her pregnant.’

  Andy inhales sharply and does a poor job of hiding his shock at Kim’s revelation. This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come here. Neither of them believes me, I can tell.

  ‘Identity theft is really serious, Emma,’ Andy drones. ‘You can’t really go around accusing people of stuff like that. Even a bitch who slept with your husband.’

  ‘I’m not accusing anyone of anything,’ I snap. ‘I’m just saying that Amber and Jane are the same person. One person. Two names. That’s not a crime now, is it?’

  ‘No,’ Andy admits.

  ‘’Okay, how about we check out this address?’ Kim suggests. ‘Andy, will you take a look?’

  Andy’s eyes are narrow and black circles indented underneath emphasise his cheekbones. ‘I have looked.’ Andy’s voice is deeper, and he’s not making any effort to hide his wilting patience. ‘As I said, there’s nothing to go on. She used to live there. She doesn’t anymore, and the landlord has no idea where she went. It’s a dead fucking end.’

  A bead of nervous sweat trickles down my back and comes to an uncomfortable stop on the band of my jeans. ‘Andy, please? This woman is trying to ruin my life. I just want to know why.’

  Kim’s face droops, and I can see the sympathy in her eyes. Kim looked at me the same way when she visited me in the hospital after my first suicide attempt. She gave me the same look when I told her David had cheated. She doesn’t even know she does it. I guess I bring that out in her.

  ‘Okay. How about I check it out before work later? I’ll speak to the landlord again. See if I can jog his memory,’ Andy promises.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say on the verge of tears. ‘I’ll come with you, okay?’

  Andy scrunches his nose, and his cheeks push up to meet his eyes as if my suggestion pains him. ‘You want to physically go there?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Emma, seriously. This is a wild goose chase. What are you hoping to find?’

  ‘Honestly? I don’t know. But Jane or Amber or whatever the hell her name is has it in for me. I want to know why. This isn’t all just because she slept with my husband. I know that for sure. Please, Andy. I promise I’ll never ask you another favour ever, ever again.’

  Andy exhales forcefully and nods. ‘Okay, Emma. If it’ll make you feel better. We can go.’

  ‘Thank you. Thank you so much.’

  Kim straightens her back and pulls a face. ‘Well, I’m coming too,’ she snorts. ‘Let’s meet here at six o’clock. Andy, you’re not at work until eight, right?’

  ‘Yeah, eight, but I want to get in to the station by seven thirty. I’ve a load of paperwork that needs seeing to.’

  ‘Okay. Seven thirty. Six should still leave us enough time. I mean how long are we going to be?’

  ‘How about I meet you both there?’ I suggest.

  Andy eyes me curiously.

  I twist my wrist and exaggerate my need to check my watch. ‘I have to go. I need to get to work now, or I’ll be late,’ I lie. ‘I have some stuff after school today, so I’ll be tight on
time, and I don’t want to hold you up, Andy. Makes much more sense if I meet you there.’

  Nervous lying is making me overheat, and I’m certain my red cheeks are a glowing, telltale sign of my bullshit. There’s a noticeable pool of sweat gathering at the base of my spine. Andy must be used to reading liars all the time, and I wait for him to see through my lame excuse.

  ‘Okay. Good idea,’ Kim says. ‘Let’s meet there at six thirty instead?’

  ‘Perfect.’ I smile. ‘Text me the address, okay?’

  Andy pulls his phone out of his tracksuit pants and runs his finger around the screen. He doesn’t look at me, and I wonder if I’m growing to be a thorn in his side. It certainly feels like it.

  ‘Forty-seven Upper Mount Earls Street, Rialto,’ he says.

  ‘Upper Mount Earls Street,’ I echo. ‘Okay, got it. See you there later.’

  ‘Emma, it’s not a nice area. Don’t do anything foolish, okay?’ Andy warns, dryly.

  I know for sure he’s sniffed out my work excuse as a load of crap, and he knows I’m going straight there. I wait for him to stop me, but he excuses himself from the kitchen and drags his tired legs back into the hall. I cringe as he pounds up the stairs, taking his irritation out on each step. I know for sure he doesn’t like me.

  ‘Kim, I’m sorry.’ I blush. ‘I know it’s a bit weird, me turning up like this this morning.’

  Kim gathers the empty coffee cups and takes them to the sink. ‘It’s okay,’ she hushes. ‘But promise me, if we go to this place today and it’s a dead end, then you’ll let all this go? I know you hate Amber. I would too but don’t let all this drive you crazy. Please, Emma. Promise me this is the last of this madness, okay?’

  Kim has been my best friend since we were twelve years old. Sometimes, I think she knows me better than I know myself. And I know she loves me. As much as it’s possible to love another human. But I also know she worries. I know her heart secretly races anytime David calls her because she doesn’t know if he just wants to chat or if he’s going to break some terrible news to her. I know she’s afraid to tell me her honest opinion, sometimes, in case I fly off the handle and do something stupid. I know she worries that every time she says goodbye, she might be saying it for the last time.