See Me Not

by Janelle Harris

  We’ve spoken about Danny a lot. The things my mother loved about him, and the things she didn’t. It’s been good. It’s certainly brought my mother and me closer now that there are no more secrets. The years of lies still built a wall between us, but I hope that one day we’ll both climb it.

  It’s easier with David. The wall isn’t quite so high, and we’re both determined to knock it down. I’ve decided that today is the day. David had been staying with his mother since Jane’s funeral. I suggested it, and he obliged, reluctantly. We’re supposed to be taking it slow. We have two date nights a week. They usually end with kisses and me asking him to come home, but he doesn’t think I’m ready. Maybe he’s right. But I miss him. I miss who I am when I’m with him. Days are long, and I have a lot of time to think. Richard apologised and invited me back to work, but I’ve taken some sick leave, and he’s agreed it’s for the best.

  The secretary calls the other girl ahead of me, and the silence of the large white waiting room is even more engulfing than before. I look up to find David standing over me. His tie is slack, the top button of his shirt is open, and I can smell the coffee from the takeaway cups he holds in each hand. He looks casual and more comfortable than I’ve seen him in a long time. His enthusiasm is contagious, and I find myself grinning up at him.

  We sit side by side for a long time. Sometimes, we talk. Sometimes, we don’t. Sometimes, we just drink our coffee in silence, but all the time, I’m smiling.

  Sometime later, when the secretary calls us, it takes me a moment to recognise my name. But David reaches for my hand as we stand up, and we walk with our fingers knitted together.

  ‘It’s good to see you, Emma,’ Dr Brady says as soon as I walk through the door.

  ‘You too,’ I say genuinely.

  ‘Please, have a seat,’ Dr Brady offers as he gestures towards two leather arm chairs waiting in front of his desk and closes the door behind us.

  David and I separate and take our individual positions. Dr Brady scurries around to his side of the desk and sits with his arms folded against the highly polished pine.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re here, Emma,’ he begins. ‘And, David, I’m really pleased you’re joining us.’

  I smile.

  ‘So, Emma, how have you been?’ Dr Brady continues. ‘Let’s talk about how you’ve been feeling.’

  ‘Okay.’ I nod, ready.

  ‘I’m so very sorry for the loss of your father and sister. I read about it in the papers. It must have been a terrible time for you. Would you like to talk about how that made you feel?’

  ‘Actually’—I scrunch my nose—‘I’d like to talk about something I did fourteen years ago and how it’s been making me feel every day since.’

  David spins in his chair, and I see teeth. I haven’t seen his toothy grin since we were seventeen.

  ‘I’d like to get some help now,’ I say.

  The End

  Message from Janelle

  On the 26th of February 2016, I received a phone call from one of my sisters that would change me irreversibly. She called to tell me that our beautiful, funny, intelligent nineteen-year-old niece had taken her own life.

  Laura was an amazing person. She wasn’t just my sister’s child, she was my best friend, and I loved her more than words could ever say. At first, I was angry, I admit. I was bitter that she left me. How could she do it, did she not love me as much as I loved her and I’d never take myself away from her? But I wasn’t suffering from depression. I wasn’t so low that I couldn’t see any light at the end. I wasn’t in Laura’s shoes.

  Laura is gone six months now, and people say time heals but it isn’t getting any easier to be without her. I think about her all the time. I talk to her in my head, and I cry – a lot. Sometimes I sit and flick through her old Facebook posts and savour the memories. And every day I wish that I could spend one more day with her.

  Laura didn’t mean to break her mother’s heart. She didn’t mean to devastate her family. She didn’t mean to hurt us so bad that missing her is a physical pain.

  Laura never meant to hurt anyone. Not even herself. She just wanted her pain to stop. Laura succeeded in ending her pain when she took her own life, but what she didn’t know was that pain lives on without her. It’s etched into the hearts of everyone who loved her because life without her is pain for us. Every. Single. Day.

  Suicide is never the answer. NEVER.

  If you have been affected by the themes in this book, if you are Laura or you know and love a Laura then please seek help. Dark days don’t have to be the end. I would give anything to take Laura’s hand and walk together again until it’s bright, but I can’t. But it’s not too late for others. There can still be light…

  http://www.samaritans.org/

  http://www.pieta.ie/

  http://www.mind.org.uk/

  Acknowledgements

  I always thought my first book would be the hardest. I was so wrong. Honestly, it never gets easier. I was completely blown away by the reception to No Kiss Goodbye. And while that makes releasing See Me Not very exciting, it always makes me incredibly nervous. I truly hope this second novel lives up to expectation. Do let me know what you think, good or bad; it’s always a pleasure to hear from readers.

  As usual the list of people to thank is endless. My wonderful writing besties, who are always honest with me and tell me when my first draft is shit, but encourage me not to drink my liver into oblivion and just get on with writing the next draft. Natalie and Caroline, you are fantastic writers and I’m so grateful for your help, encouragement and friendship.

  The Book Club on Facebook – well, now, this thank you is a biggie. Tracy Fenton (founder) runs a tight ship and The Book Club is an absolute credit to her. Twelve months ago the members of The Book Club changed my life. They took a chance on some girl who stuck a book on the internet with a pretty cover. I have no doubt the success of No Kiss Goodbye is down to the wonderful reviewers and kind support of this group and I will remain forever grateful.

  This year has been very difficult on a personal level. I lost my father and seven weeks later I lost my niece. They both encouraged me to pursue my writing dreams and I hope they’re looking down on me now, and I hope I make them proud. Always missed. Never forgotten.

  My family. I have an awesome husband who doesn’t ask for divorce when I jump out of bed at 4am and flick on the bedroom light and start scribbling on random pieces of paper because a plot point has just popped into my head. And my kids. They rock. I know all mothers think their own kids are the best, but mine really are, seriously, they are! You believe I’m not bias, right?

  Finally, you. Thank you for reading. It never ceases to amaze me that people actually want to spend time reading my stories. I really appreciate you.

  Janelle

  x

  About the Author

  Janelle Harris is the alter ego of USA Today bestselling romance author Brooke Harris. Janelle lives just outside Dublin, Ireland with her young family. She often dreams about living in a warmer climate, but secretly she loves the green fields and heritage of home.

  Janelle loves to travel, and even her fear of flying can’t keep her grounded for long. She enjoys taking her characters on adventures to cities she has visited.

  Where to find Janelle/Brooke…

  Twitter @brookeharris_

  Or email brooke harris writes at gmail dot com