Dodger

by Terry Pratchett

  Disraeli glanced at Dodger and said, ‘Well, now I come to think of it, quite possibly a reconnaissance of the underbelly of the city would be sensible at this time.’

  ‘And indeed,’ said Charlie, grinning like a man who has dropped a sixpence and picked up a crown, ‘it would show, do you not think, that you are being very careful of public opinion in the matter of drainage in this city, which is in fact antiquated and noisome, to say the least. A canny politician would, I am sure, like to show his concern for this scandalous state of affairs. Our friends in Punch magazine would certainly portray you as a forward-looking politician, careful of the city as a whole.’

  For a moment Disraeli looked rather solemn, playing with his little goatee beard as if lost in thought, then he said, ‘Yes indeed, Charlie, I think you may have a point.’

  It seemed to Dodger that the two men were each hatching plans of their own; he could smell the smell of a man who scents an opportunity and was deciding how to bend it to his own advantage, just like he was. He thought, Good old Charlie knows that whether Mister Disraeli comes out of the sewer covered in richards or covered in diamonds, Charlie will have covered a very good story.

  Disraeli lit up like a very enthusiastic candle and his smile broadened as he turned and said, ‘Very well, Mister Dodger, let no one say that I am averse to a challenge. I will indeed, if you are prepared to be my Virgil, take a subterranean ramble with you in the public interest. Let me see – the day after tomorrow perhaps? After all, a politician should do more than just talk!’

  He looked around approvingly, and Dodger said, ‘I’d like you to understand, sir, I ain’t a virgin, you just ask Ginny-Come-Lately! But I would be quite happy to give you a little tour, sir. Not near the hospitals, of course. The breweries are pretty good; down there, even the rats smell good.’

  At that point Miss Burdett-Coutts passed, circulating among her growing crowd of guests, and Charlie said, ‘Here’s a go, Angela. Ben and young Dodger here are hatching up a scheme to go down into our wretched sewers shortly, on a voyage of exploration for the public good. Don’t you think that is a fine thing?’

  ‘Are they? I certainly hope they tidy themselves up before they come back here again!’ Angela smiled at Dodger, held out her hand and said, ‘So nice to see you again, Mister Dodger. I see you have raised your game considerably when it comes to your clothing. Excellent!’

  Dodger took the lady’s outstretched hand and kissed it, to her surprise and his own, but to the great edification and amusement of both Charlie and Disraeli; Solomon certainly hadn’t told him to do this but, well, he was Dodger, and Miss Burdett-Coutts was smiling as if a favourite dog had done a good trick, but at the same time would quite like the dog to know that it was only allowed one bite. The unspoken code was that once was fine and twice would be taking liberties, and she was sure that Dodger would not need telling twice.

  She looked at Solomon and said, ‘Ah, the most learned Mister Cohen, I presume? I have heard so much about you. I believe the Papal Nuncio told me a wonderful story about your perspicacity.’ She turned back to Dodger and said, ‘Mister Dodger, I believe you might be interested to meet Miss Simplicity Parish, a cousin of mine from the country.’

  Almost immediately, Simplicity stepped out from behind Miss Coutts, and for Dodger every single person in the room once again disappeared, leaving only Simplicity. After a moment, Simplicity, clearly realizing that if she didn’t say anything, Dodger was likely to be there with his mouth open for the rest of the evening, held out her hand and said, ‘My word, so you are the famous Mister Dodger. I am very happy to meet you.’

  Angela, glancing at Dodger, said, ‘When dinner is announced, I would be happy for you to take Miss Simplicity through to the dining area. You may sit beside me so that the proprieties are maintained.’ Having neatly put Simplicity and Dodger together, Miss Coutts then cased the room, Dodger thought, like a burglar anxious to find every piece of silverware, scanning all the newcomers milling around. ‘Do you see that gentleman over there, by the fireplace?’ she said with a small gesture of her head. ‘That is Sir George Cayley, who certainly has demonstrated to us exactly why birds are able to fly and I believe is determined to see that humans do the same, although I suspect that William Henderson might beat him to it – I have been hearing much about his prototype steam-powered aerial carriage. If things look promising, I might consider funding further progress. It would be such a boon for mankind. Just imagine if you could fly to France in one day!’

  That would be like the railways, Dodger thought. If you had money, you find someone who is, you are sure, going to change the world, and get more money back if it works. After all, money doesn’t do much when it’s just standing still. It’s when it’s moving around that it really works. He felt quite pleased with himself for coming up with this observation.

  One of the guests had cracked a joke on the other side of the room and there was general laughter, and then in a low voice Angela said to Dodger and Simplicity, ‘Do you see that rather taciturn gentleman over there who looks as if he lost a guinea and found a farthing? That’s Charles Babbage, and he has made a machine that can add up, and that’s very interesting and I am very fond of interesting people. Although in his case, he is not really very keen on other people at all, apart from having excellent taste when it comes to his lady friends. And I see that Mister Cohen is already in conversation with Mister Babbage and his friend, Ada Lovelace, who is a most elegant lady and a credit to her father. I am sure they will have a lot to talk about. If ever there is a man who introduces himself, it is Mister Cohen.’ Suddenly she said happily, ‘Ah, there’s Sir Robert Peel. I’m so glad he could come. I was told that he had been held up on a bit of business at Scotland Yard.’ She swept away into the chattering throng.

  Sir Robert Peel? The boss of the crushers! Being a tosher wasn’t exactly illegal – Grandad had told Dodger a coin was a coin, and if you picked it out of the mud, well, who knew whose coin it had been? Mind you, there was the little matter of getting into the sewers, that probably being a matter of trespass. Nobody bothered all that much though, except for the work gangs, who thought that loose coinage was their legal perk. The public at large didn’t care a fig; toshers could scrabble in the dark and come up with a copper or two, or they could scrabble in the dark and die, at no extra charge.

  But peelers, well, sometimes they had their own interpretation of the spirit of the law, and some of them saw it as their duty to make life a little more tricky for those people on the edge of society, which was why they were having so many fights with the Cockney lads, which amounted to a small war.

  Toshers were small fry, but in the rookeries, well, peelers were the enemy. Dodger didn’t know the word ‘visceral’, he just understood the situation: you would do yourself no good mixing with the peelers, and now here he was in the same room as their boss and, as sure as sixpence, Angela was going to introduce Dodger to him. He told himself that he had done nothing wrong – well, maybe a few things hardly worth mentioning and mostly a long time ago – but if you came from the rookeries the peelers didn’t listen for long.

  On the other hand, of course, he thought, it was quite possible that Angela might object to people being arrested in her house.

  He didn’t panic, because people on the tosh who panicked would sooner or later knock themselves out and lose their bearings. But Simplicity was watching him with a slightly worried smile, and by sheer main force he calmed himself down as if nothing had happened, because in fact nothing had happened, and by degrees he was feeling better. All he had to do was not get excited and keep as far away as possible from Sir Robert.

  To his surprise, Simplicity stroked his hand and said, ‘Are you all right, Dodger? I know you have had such a busy time, all because of me, and I am so very grateful.’

  Charlie and Disraeli had drifted off on another current in this room, where it appeared that nobody stood in one place for very long before seeing somebody else that they also wanted to t
alk to. So gossip and people oscillated through the air, with at the moment himself and Simplicity in a little bubble.

  He managed to say, ‘Oh, don’t worry about me, miss. How is life here?’

  ‘Angela is very kind,’ said Simplicity. ‘Really very kind, and . . . how can I put this . . .? Very understanding.’

  Dodger said, ‘I asked you this once before, and now things is different but there’s no change in the question. What would you like to happen next? Do you want to stay here?’

  Her face went solemn. ‘Yes, Angela is very kind. But I know I am here because I am a problem, and I do not wish to be a problem. Sooner or later, problems get solved. I wonder how that might happen.’

  Dodger looked around, but no one was paying them any attention so he plucked up his courage and said, ‘Supposing as you could go somewhere where you could be anybody you wanted to be? Not no problem to nobody. Because, you see, I think I might have a plan. It’s quite a good plan, but I only got one part this evening so I’m still working on it. It might be risky and it could mean a bit of play-acting, but if I trust in the Lady, I think it will work – she has never let me down this far.’ Then he had to explain to her who the Lady was.

  At last, Simplicity said, ‘I see. I mean, I think I see. But, dear Dodger, would I be right in believing that the success of this plan will end up with you and me together somewhere safe?’

  Dodger cleared his throat. ‘Yes, that is the plan.’

  She stared at him. There was always something delightfully solemn in the way Simplicity spoke, and she said softly, ‘I think that would be an excellent plan, Dodger, don’t you?’

  Dodger said, ‘You agree?’

  ‘Oh yes, indeed, you are kind, very kind. I don’t know about loving; we shall see. I have had what I believed was love, but it was an untrue thing, what I think is called a forgery, a bad coin, and not what I thought it was.’ She hesitated. ‘What I thought of as a shining sixpence proved to be a farthing, as you would say. But I have found that kindness lasts a lot longer than love, because my mother always said that kindness was love in disguise. And, Dodger, where you are, the world seems to fizz. You make everything seem possible.’

  At a moment like this, for a boy like Dodger who would trip over his own mental feet, he said, ‘Of course we don’t have to stay together if you don’t want to.’

  Simplicity smiled. ‘Dodger, this may be hard for you to understand, but sometimes you should just stop talking.’

  And as Dodger blushed, dinner was announced.

  Miss Burdett-Coutts led the party into dinner, accompanied by a tall man with a severe flinty look on his face and, Dodger noticed in horror, dressed in exactly the same clothes as Dodger – a fact that made him unaccountably nervous. What was it that Izzy had said before giving him and Solomon such a good deal? Dodger, I’ve got a really good deal on this wonderful new suit with wonderful and cherished unmentionables because some apprentice tailor got the sizes wrong first time.

  Yes, his frock coat was exactly like Dodger’s, and the man had opened the coat to reveal the splendid blue silk shirt that was the spit and image, apart from a trifling matter of size, to the one which Dodger was wearing; and now, oh dear, because he had been looking at the man, the man was now looking at him with the same sharp expression, causing hairs to rise on Dodger in places where he had never known he had hairs. But they had paid for the clothes, hadn’t they, fair and square? He knew that Solomon had most definitely got a receipt, Solomon being the kind of person who was almost as anxious about getting the receipt as he was about getting the relevant merchandise itself.

  In this moment of slight panic Dodger recognized, coming towards them, Henry Mayhew and his wife, and indeed Simplicity was running towards Jane Mayhew to give her a hug.

  While that was going on, Henry held out his hands to Dodger and said cheerfully, ‘The man of the moment. Mister Dodger, I have made a study of the multiple classes of people in London, and it does seem to me that you are climbing the ladder faster, if I may say so, than a chimpanzee.’ He smiled nervously and said, ‘No offence, of course.’ And indeed no offence was taken as Dodger had no idea what a chimpanzee was and made a mental note to ask Solomon later.

  So Dodger took Simplicity somewhat nervously on his arm and followed the Mayhews into the dining room. And succeeded in parking her exactly where Angela had intended, according to the smile of approval.

  Then Angela turned to him and said, ‘Well now, Dodger, I wonder if you have met my very good friend Sir Robert Peel? I suspect you may have some things in common.’ Her eyes twinkled as she introduced the two men, as if she was actually introducing the two sets of matching trousers.

  Sir Robert Peel smiled, although because of Dodger’s nerves, it seemed to him more like a grimace, and said, ‘Oh yes, the Hero of Fleet Street. I would very much like to have a quiet word with you.’

  Dodger looked into those eyes and they had ‘copper’ all over them. He thought: Is that always how it’s going to be? Always being the man who took down Sweeney Todd? Well, it was useful, no doubt about it, but somehow it was awkward as well, like wearing another man’s trousers, which in a sense was what he was doing right now. And the man was still watching him carefully, as if sizing him up.

  People were now sitting down. Dodger was urged towards the chair next to Angela, with Simplicity already seated on his other side and Solomon beside her. Sir Robert – or ‘Dear Rob’, as Angela called him – sat on Angela’s other side.

  In a lowered voice, Angela said to him, ‘Does it hurt? You wince when somebody calls you the Hero of Fleet Street. Do you not notice that? Charlie tells me that you are quite clear that people should know that the facts of the matter are not as they seem, and I suggest that you feel that every commendation for you is a damnation for Mister Todd, and I must say that this is to your credit. One feels there was another kind of heroism, of the kind which is often ignored. I will bear this in mind because I do have some influence. Sometimes a word in the right place can do a lot of good.’ She smiled then, and said, ‘Do you like it, scrabbling in the sewers for money? Tell the truth now!’

  ‘I don’t need to tell a lie,’ said Dodger. ‘It’s freedom, miss, that’s the truth, and pretty safe if you keep your wits about you and use your head. I reckon I earns more than a chimney sweep any day of the week, and soot, well it’s terrible stuff, miss, not good for you at all. Bad for you inside and out, my oath! But when I come back from the tosh, well, good old lye soap does the trick. Not what you would call fancy, but you do feel clean.’

  The conversation had to stop there as waiters came past, and after the noise of the plates and the – oh so much – cutlery, Miss Burdett-Coutts said, ‘You appear to be everywhere and into everything, according to my informants, rather like the famous, or if you prefer, the infamous highwayman Dick Turpin. Have you heard of him, young man? What do you think about his extraordinary ride to York on his mare Black Bess? I believe they are doing plays about him now and the public just love him, because he was a scallywag.’

  Looking apprehensively at the meal put in front of him, Dodger said, ‘I have heard about the gent, madam, and I like the way he put a shine on the world. But I think he was clever, and far too clever to ride all the way to York. Too risky, and while I have to say I ain’t – I beg your pardon, I am not – a horseman, I reckon that he would have knackered the horse within an hour if he’d done it as fast as they said. No, I reckon he rushed up to some of his mates what he knew to be not all that matey and shouted out something like, “Pray for me, my lads, for I am going to try to get to York this very night!” And o’ course, you see, you can be certain that when you have a price on your head like he did, his mates would have instantly peached on him to the runners within ten minutes, by which time, I’d bet you a crown, our friend Dick would be in the West End with his moustache a different colour, walking around with two sporting ladies arm-in-arm. That’s what’s clever; just legging it don’t do the trick, though I know
they got him in the end. If I was him, I’d’ve dressed up as a priest and just laid low somewhere until everybody had forgotten about me. Sorry for the lecture, miss, but you did ask.’

  Angela laughed. ‘Your reputation goes before you, Mister Dodger, as a young man of great courage and indeed understanding. Now it would seem you are a man of strategy and a breath of fresh air!’ She put her hand on his arm and said, ‘Are you a church-going man at all, Mister Dodger?’

  ‘No, miss. Take it from me, miss, Solomon does the believing for both of us, depend upon it! I reckon he tells the Almighty what to do. But don’t worry, I heard that Jesus walked on water, so he might know a little bit about toshing, but I ain’t seen him down there. I mean no offence; mind you, in the dark you don’t see everybody.’

  He noticed Angela’s smile become a little strained before coming back to normal, whereupon she said, ‘Well, Mister Dodger, it would appear that an unbeliever might put some believers to shame.’ He assumed from this that once again he had got away with it, even though he wasn’t quite sure what the ‘it’ was.

  Now, at last, Dodger was able to pay attention to the food in front of him: a rather good bowl of vegetable soup, even better than the stuff that Solomon made, and he said so as soon as he finished it, noticing as he did so that no one else had dived into the soup with the same alacrity.

  ‘It’s called julienne,’ said Angela. ‘I really don’t know why that is so. I envy you your appetite!’

  Cheered up by this, Dodger said, ‘Can I have some more?’ Out of the corner of his eye he saw Charlie wearing the familiar expression of a man enjoying the fun.

  Angela followed his gaze and said, ‘Charlie writes books, you know? I often wonder where he gets all his ideas from. As for the soup I’m sure there is plenty more, but there is a very nice turbot to follow, after which there will be roast saddle of mutton and that will be followed by roast quails. If, young man, you haven’t exploded by then, there will follow a compote of cherries – very sweet. I see you haven’t touched your wine; it is quite a decent sauvignon blanc, and I think you would like it.’ As Dodger reached for the glass, she turned to answer a question from Sir Robert Peel on her other side.