Gabriel looked thoughtful. “To be honest, I’m not sure. Once you’ve been here awhile, time becomes less and less important. There are more important things to focus on.”
Josh couldn’t begin to imagine not knowing how long he’d been up there. He could keep track just by what was going on in Avery’s life. How far along her pregnancy was. It had only been a matter of days. The blink of an eye, really. Was Gabriel simply trying to placate him by saying that time wasn’t important, or had he honestly been there so long he forgot what it was like to be amongst the living? Josh had the feeling the panel sure as heck had. He wondered idly if they’d ever lived at all. Known love. Known what it was like to build a whole world around someone. Everything in his life had become centered around Avery.
Josh walked down the hallways, hands deep in his pockets. Idly he wondered how long they were going to take. What all did they have to review? He felt like they’d barely asked anything. They didn’t know anything about him, about his love for Avery and all his hopes for the future. The way he was so looking forward to becoming a father. The way he felt when he was with Avery, that he’d finally found his other half. He’d thought that stuff was only in books and badly written movies, soul mates and falling in love at first sight, but then it had happened to him and he’d never been happier. It was like he suddenly understood what love truly was and everything else, every other relationship he’d ever had paled in comparison to her.
***
“We’ve come to a decision,” the man leading the panel announced as Josh walked back into the room, Gabriel trailed closely behind.
Josh risked a look at Gabriel. His guide was silent, stoic and completely unreadable. If he had any inkling of what was going on, he wasn’t about to share it with him. “And?” Josh waited, his hands fisting as he waited to hear the words he prayed to hear.
The man met Josh’s gaze for a long moment before breaking the look. “I’m afraid we have to turn down your case.”
Josh stumbled at the realization of the words, but quickly righted himself. “Excuse me? What? Why?” He stared at the panel in disbelief. Neither showed a trace of emotion.
“You had some valid reasons, but you didn’t fight hard enough.”
The words hit him like a punch to the gut. Josh’s hands fisted again tighter. “Didn’t fight hard enough?” His voice rose. “What do you mean? What was I supposed to have done?” He faced Gabriel. “What didn’t I say that I should have? I love Avery, she’s my life. I want to see our baby.”
“You can still see the child. The same way you’ve seen Avery and your family.”
If those words were meant to be a comfort, they weren’t. They did nothing but make it seem like a dagger to Josh’s heart.
“That’s not the same, and you know it.” He was shouting now, a shout that seemed awfully hollow in that marble room, like somehow it was muting him, diminishing his anger as he tried to let out all the emotion that had pent up inside.
“I’m afraid, Josh, your outburst has no relevance. Besides, you’ve become quite adept at managing to make both Avery and Blake hear you and feel your presence. I would think that should offer you some comfort.”
Comfort? They had the nerve to think that was some sort of comfort to him?
Gabriel moved closer. Josh could feel him trying to reach out with that serene calmness, but Josh pushed it away. He wanted to revel in his anger, in the fact he could still feel something while it seemed like everyone around him couldn’t. “Leave me alone, Gabriel.”
“Let’s go.” Gabriel turned to the panel. “Thank you for your time.”
Josh couldn’t believe his ears as he headed for the door. Thank you? For what? There was nothing to thank them for.
Gabriel waited till the door shut behind them to turn to Josh. “You need to cool down.”
Josh wanted to punch a wall. Throw something. Hit something. Anything to get this anger out of his system. So much for that rest in peace line. There wasn’t any peace and he certainly didn’t want to be resting. He wanted to be alive, back to his life with the people he loved most.
He didn’t want to see Gabriel’s attempt at understanding or listen to him trying to rationalize things. There wasn’t anything rational about keeping him there, holding him hostage while the woman he loved suffered without him.
And she was suffering.
He didn’t care if they didn’t see it. He did. He knew her. He knew everything about her. Every movement, every nuance, every little quirk. He knew she was dying inside. She was trying so hard to hold on, but every day part of her slipped away, longing to be with him.
Gabriel moved in front of him, clearly trying to get him to speak.
He felt that pull in his chest. Avery. He could hear her voice, low and mumbling, distorted just enough he couldn’t understand her words, but her pain ran through him stronger than his own.
“Josh,” Gabriel began, “I found a place for us to go.”
Josh waved him away. “I just need some time on my own right now.” He caught the worried expression on his friend’s face. “I’m fine, what trouble can I get into anyway?” he argued, not wanting to hear an answer.
“If you’re sure.” Gabriel hardly sounded convinced.
Josh started to walk away. “I am.”
***
Fresh from her doctor’s appointment with her new best friend, Blake, she’d asked him to go to the cemetery right after. She’d felt a pull to go to Josh, to be able to talk to him like she used to. She knew she’d shocked him with her request, but she hadn’t been ready to go home yet. For some reason, after seeing the baby for the first time, she just needed to be where Josh was, even for a few minutes.
They walked in silence up to the spot where Josh was. “I’ll give you some space.” Blake squeezed her hand and started to walk away.
The bench the guys had bought had already been installed. A simple slate gray granite with a back rest. She brushed the dust off the bench and sat down, her eyes locked on the spot where the headstone was going to go. How could she go from an hour ago seeing the life they’d created, listening to the racing heartbeat, to being here, with this being as close to Josh as she’d ever get again.
She kept trying to picture the headstone that would rise above his grave, the angels carved into the stone. Blake had showed her the picture of what they’d ordered that morning. She couldn’t imagine his whole life summed in a handful of words. Beloved Son, Brother, Friend. Four words that didn’t come close to the truth.
Didn’t capture what they’d all lost.
She rubbed the back of her neck tiredly. She hated thinking that one day she’d bring their son there, that this was as close as he’d ever get to his father.
“Are you here, Josh?” Everything was so still all of a sudden, as if the world had gone silent waiting for her to speak. Part of her wished she’d see him walking toward her. Even if it would just be her imagination playing tricks on her, she didn’t care.
“I guess I’m hoping you’re here, that you’re somewhere, and you can hear me.” She smoothed the coat over her lap, picking at a loose thread on the seam. “Today was the second doctor’s appointment. Baby’s fine.” She stopped and took a deep breath, daring another glance over. Why didn’t it feel real? Shouldn’t it have felt real if he was really gone? A sigh fell from her lips. “So the baby’s fine, perfect health apparently. Even got the first baby picture.” She pulled the small photo out of her jacket pocket, straightening out the small crease that had appeared since she’d put it there a short time earlier. A breeze went by, calm and gentle. “You were right, it’s a boy.” She put the picture down on the bench beside her. She pressed the picture down as a strong gust of wind came up, the corner of the sonogram lifting like someone was trying to lift the photo out from under her fingers. She smiled, wanting to somehow believe that it was Josh trying to get a look at his son.
Josh sat down beside her on the bench, his fingers next to hers on the sonogram pictur
e. He didn’t know what to feel. A mix of elation and sadness tore through him. A boy. He’d known it somehow from the very first moment she looked at him sheepishly, saying there was something she had to tell him. He remembered the way her voice had faded out once he heard her say pregnant. The way he’d pulled her on his lap and hugged her so tightly, so happy, so full of love at that moment. He’d thought he had everything he’d ever want and need right there in his arms.
He pulled his fingers away from the photograph, his gaze drawn toward the grave for a moment. It was strange to have his own name staring back at him from a headstone, knowing that there was a chance, the slightest chance that this could all be erased in a moment, that it would be nothing more than a bad memory burned into his mind for all time.
“Don’t cry, please, Avery.” His eyes stayed on the sonogram. The first pictures of his son, the son who would never know his father. “I was supposed to come back to you…today…baby, I failed. I couldn’t make them understand how much I need you. How wrong this whole situation is.” He shut his eyes. “They don’t know how much the two of us lost.” He shook his head. “The three of us,” he corrected himself. Two people who meant the world to him, and he’d never get the chance to meet one of them. To know what it was like to hold his newborn son. He bowed his head, wishing he’d somehow been able to make them understand. Couldn’t they feel his pain, her pain? The anguish that never seemed to leave him at all.
***
Alec looked at Blake, wondering if this was really as good an idea as his brother believed. On one hand he agreed that it belonged to her and that it was from Josh, so of course she should have it. But on the other, it was just a bigger reminder of what she’d lost. What could have been and never would be. Did she really need that reminder right now? How much could she take without breaking? She was trying to put up a good front, but he saw the truth in her eyes.
“Are you sure?” The black velvet box on the table held a whole lifetime of promises inside. Promises that would never be fulfilled.
“It’s her ring, she should have it,” Blake argued.
“I just don’t know if she could take it,” Alec said, voicing his inner thoughts as he pushed the box away from him. “She’s still so emotional.” This was all so fresh to all of them. Not that it wouldn’t get better in time, the pain would always be there, especially for her, but…
“Pregnant women usually are,” Blake reasoned. “Josh would want her to have the ring. You know he would.”
He ignored the fresh stab of pain his brother’s name caused and bowed his head, his gaze drawn back to the box in question. Deep inside he knew Josh would want her to have that ring, would want her to know just how he truly felt about her. He was just scared all of this was too soon for Avery. She’d had no time to deal with anything and now the emotions that this was sure to stir up…
“When are you planning on giving it to her?”
Blake picked up the box. “Their anniversary’s this weekend. I thought then, just like he originally planned, unless you think it would be too much?”
Alec’s gaze went back to the box. He’d heard all about Josh’s plans for the weekend. How he’d planned everything down to the last detail. All the ideas Josh had shot down as not being good enough or perfect enough. He bowed his head. “I have a feeling that’s exactly what he’d want.”
***
Gabriel kept his distance and stayed across the room. He had the constant feeling he was intruding just being there, let alone watching the two of them unbeknownst to anyone for a few moments. The way Josh looked at her, his expression a mix of hope and sadness, actually hurt Gabriel, something he would have thought impossible. Yet there was a clawing pain in his chest every time Josh realized he couldn’t reach out and touch her or when he’d answer her questions, knowing she’d never hear his voice but still did it anyway. Gabriel supposed it was an effort to keep his sanity that he spoke like one day she would, that the bond between the two was so strong the distance between them didn’t matter in the least. The connection between Josh and Avery was still there, a link that didn’t lessen no matter how much time passed. Gabriel hadn’t seen anything like it before. Josh was able to feel her pain almost like a physical blow, which wasn’t good for either of them. He wasn’t sure his young friend would be able to stand it if she ever did move on. But Josh continuing this downhill behavior wasn’t helpful, either.
Gabriel knew it was time to pull Josh away and take him back, take him home, a place he knew Josh saw as more of a prison than anything else. He cleared his throat, stepping forward and becoming visible to his young charge. “It’s time, Josh.”
Josh’s head bobbed, a barely perceptible nod, not looking at him. “Just give me a minute, okay? She’s almost asleep.” Josh raised his blue eyes to meet his. “She fell asleep a little easier tonight.”
“I noticed.” He wondered if it had been because Josh had been right beside her, singing softly and stroking her hair back as she lay there.
Josh seemed startled by Gabriel’s words. “She’s so peaceful when she’s sleeping.” He knew he needed to try and attempt some distance. It wasn’t going to be easy, not when the only way he felt like himself was when he was with the ones he loved most.
“There is a way you can be with her once.”
Josh froze at the words, taking a moment to let them sink in. Seriously? It was too much to hope for. He knew Gabriel wouldn’t say something like that and not mean it. It was one bit of hope, one thing to hold onto in this never-ending nightmare. “How?”
“You can go into her dreams. Well, she’ll believe it is a dream, but it isn’t. It won’t be. You’ll be there as much as you ever were in life.”
“I want to do that. I need to do that. When? How? How soon can we—”
“Not right now. You need to prepare yourself, Josh. It’s not an easy thing to do. To expend that much energy for a given time period, it will weaken you after.” He looked solemn. “I need to be honest with you, there’s a significant risk involved in such things.”
Josh understood. “I get that. And I know you probably don’t think it’s the wisest thing for me to do.”
Gabriel gave the slightest nod of his head. “I understand your reasoning.”
“Good. Do I get to pick when I do?”
“Of course.”
That was a relief. “The day Blake gives her the ring.” For the first time he truly felt a sense of calm overtake him. Just a few short days and he’d have a chance for what he wanted most.
Chapter 7
Avery closed the front door behind Taylor and leaned against it heavily. As much as she loved her friends, it was so draining to be around them sometimes. They were all so worried, it was like they’d moved in with her. Not that she minded completely. Having them around kept her mind off the silence that was a constant presence. It was the silence that made her remember what wasn’t there anymore. That he wouldn’t be coming back.
The car engine roared to life in the driveway, and she knew Taylor was finally, actually leaving. No last minute appearances, no forgotten cell phones on the table. No checking one last time to see if she needed anything. No last minute anything to give her one last hug, to scrutinize every last thing about her as if she’d actually say how bad she ached. That this was the worst she’d ever felt in her life, that she wanted to crawl away and hide from the world.
She listened to the car drive off and pushed away from the door, a wave of relief hitting her. “I just wish sometimes they’d leave me alone.” She shuddered as she stepped through a waft of cold air and rubbed her arms against the chill. She took a moment of just being by herself. Well, not quite, she thought as she glanced down. Despite the fact she barely managed to eat some days, the baby was, oh so definitely, growing.
She made her way to the couch and noticed that someone had put out a blanket and pillow. There was a glass of ginger ale already waiting. She had to smile and wondered when they’d managed to sneak that one past
her.
She sat down and leaned back against the couch, making herself comfortable. That morning she realized she was beginning to show. It was one of the few times she’d momentarily forgotten he was gone. In fact, she’d even picked up her phone in a moment of excitement, wanting to call and tell him, then it hit her like a physical blow, blasting the air out of her.
The guys hadn’t even noticed the subtle signs, but she had. The way her yoga pants were just a little snugger, that she’d had to undo the tie she’d had knotted at the waist since the day she’d bought them. She was sure Josh would laugh at her, call her crazy, and tweak her nose like he always did when he teased her.
She pulled the blanket over her to help warm up from that chill that was always there, and let her eyes close. She was almost asleep when the sharp ding of the doorbell pierced the air, and she jumped in surprise. The moment her eyes flew open, she swore she saw Josh in front of her, sitting on the coffee table, his elbows braced against his knees, watching her.
She smoothed a hand over her hair as she pushed herself to her feet. “I need sleep,” she muttered. That was the only explanation for what she’d just seen. Sleep deprived. The next thing she’d hear would be his footsteps down the hall if she kept up at this. Then what? His voice?
The doorbell rang one more time, and she hurried her pace toward the door. She checked the peephole then undid the locks to find the uniformed delivery man on the step. “Avery Rhodes?” he asked, already keying something into his portable signing device.
“That’s me.”
“Package for you.” He handed the long rectangular box over to her along with the signing pen. “Just sign on the line please.”
She shifted the package under her arm as she scribbled a barely legible signature. She closed the door and examined the box. What was this about? She hadn’t ordered anything online, and no one had sent her anything. They all brought over anything they’d bought themselves.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 9