Alec lifted his mug. “Needed some fuel.”
She nodded, glancing around the kitchen. She seemed smaller somehow to Blake, and he wondered if Alec noticed the same thing. He would have thought after her shower and change of clothes into her yoga capris and a simple loose black t-shirt that looked like it might have been Josh’s, she’d have looked a little better. Instead she seemed more fragile. Without the make-up, the circles under her eyes jumped out at him. Had she slept at all? He found himself wondering.
“You know what, I’m going to go out back for a couple minutes, I just need some air,” Avery said, glancing shyly at him, her nails tapping out a short beat on the countertop.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Blake asked. He’d honestly prefer if she stayed somewhere close where they could all keep an eye on her. Maybe the best thing would be if they could get her to fall asleep for a while.
She patted his arm as she stopped beside him. “Just a couple minutes, it feels stuffy in here.”
He caught a silent pleading in her eyes and reluctantly he nodded in understanding. “Okay. Don’t catch a chill though.”
“I won’t.” She gave a wan smile and lifted the jacket in her arms before she slipped past him toward the patio door.
He exchanged a worried look with Alec as the door closed silently behind her. “Think she’s okay to be by herself?”
Alec shrugged. “Not entirely, but I’m afraid to push her too far. She’s teetering on a dangerous edge.”
The sound of the front door opening silenced the conversation, and a moment later his entire family came into the room with Taylor trailing close behind, balancing a couple trays of food.
Blake hugged his mother the moment she came in. “Where’s Avery?” she asked as she stepped back and started looking around for her.
“Out back. Said she needed some air, but I think she just wanted some time alone.”
“Is that wise?”
“Alec is watching her.” He nodded his head to where Alec stood at the windows.
Alec drank the last of his coffee and poured another, eyeing the sealed bottle of wine Blake had pulled out earlier. He hadn’t strayed far from the window, not wanting to leave her alone. As soon as the rain seemed to pass, she’d wanted to head outside. “Josh would hate seeing her like this,” he said as Taylor neared.
Avery sat on one of the deck chairs, faced away from them, Josh’s old leather jacket draped over her shoulders. Every once in a while her shoulders gave a little shake, no doubt more from the grief than the slight chill still in the air.
“I hate seeing her like this.” Taylor put her hand up to the window.
Alec poured a second cup of coffee and held it out to his friend. “Me, too.”
She turned and took the cup gratefully. “She’s just lost, isn’t she?”
“Completely.”
Taylor shook her head as she looked back out the window, lifting her coffee to her lips then down again. “Think I should go out there?”
“Wouldn’t hurt.”
“I just don’t know what to say to her, what to do,” she confessed. “My best friend is hurting and I have no clue what to do.”
“None of us do, Taylor.” He reached out and put his arm around her, hugging her close. “But maybe she just might like having another woman to talk to.”
Taylor nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Yeah, maybe…”
Blake didn’t want her alone much longer. The wind had picked up and he’d watched from the patio doors as it batted her hair around, whipping it against her face. Even from where he stood he could see the sheen of fresh tears on her face. He argued with himself over the right thing to do. Giving her space was one thing, but to watch her suffer was something else entirely. He set his coffee cup down and edged toward the door. He’d just see if she wanted anything, that was it, that was all. A good excuse if need be.
He opened the door and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he stepped out on the deck. She didn’t move or make any sign that she’d heard the door open. He opened his mouth to say her name but something stopped him. The wind changed direction and came at him, like a protective shield to keep him away from Avery. Maybe it was Josh’s way of wanting him to back off, give her space.
He stood there, unsure, glancing at her and back at the house. Reluctantly he took a few steps toward her, yet she didn’t move, didn’t give even the slightest sign she was aware of his presence out there with her.
Avery pulled Josh’s jacket tighter around her, keeping the slight chill away. If she kept her eyes closed, she could almost pretend he’d just gone inside to get another drink or a blanket or he was inside working in his office and he’d be out any minute to check on her. He always checked on her lately. Ever since he found out she was pregnant, he barely left her side. It was sweet really, the way he was so overprotective, afraid of something happening to her. The thought hit her and she wrapped her arms around herself, Josh’s jacket hugging her the way he used to. She should have been more afraid of something happening to him.
She couldn’t stop thinking of everything he was missing…everything he would miss…it was like a constant loop in her head, scenes from her future without the one key element to her life.
The slight wind picked up, and she reached up, taking the small clips out of her damp hair. The cool wind was a welcome touch against her, lifting her hair and tossing it in her face. Somehow it felt right against her hot tears, taking away the sting against her skin.
The squeak of the back door opening came from behind her. She didn’t move, didn’t dare to turn. She simply took a deep breath and opened her eyes behind her dark sunglasses, waiting to see who wanted to join her. The last thing she wanted was to talk. To get her feelings out there. There were no feelings, just pain and sadness, and that numbness that was at times blissful, that made her feel like she was watching someone else’s life.
A few moments passed before Blake dropped down into the chair beside her, his suit jacket gone and his hair mussed from the brief walk in the wind. From the side she could see a bit of Josh in him, just for an instant, as if Josh’s face had been overlaid and then taken away.
“Avery?” His voice was gentle. From the corner of her eye she saw him lean forward.
“What, Blake?”
He visibly relaxed when she spoke, like her replying was a sign he wasn’t disturbing her, that she wasn’t about to chase him away.
He looked at his hands for a minute as if trying to figure out what to say. “You know he loved you a lot.”
“Yeah, I loved him too.” She fought back a fresh wave of stinging tears. Loved. She was already talking in the past tense. And it had slipped out so easily. All she wanted was to scream and wake up from this nightmare. Wake up and find Josh’s smiling face beside her, have him hold her in his arms and tell her everything was okay, that none of this was real.
“He was so happy about the baby, you know,” Blake said, looking at her once again. She hated feeling like she was on display, like some fragile doll that everyone needed to shield from harm. The harm had already come, and there was nothing anyone could do to fix it now.
“Was he?” She shifted in her chair.
“Yeah.” He smiled, lost in own memories for a few moments. “Did I tell you what he did last time he took me on the boat?”
She shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear. “No, what did he do?” Suddenly she was glad to have company, glad to be able to talk about Josh like nothing had happened. To share the memories that she wanted so desperately to cling to, afraid that if they weren’t spoken or thought about they’d simply disappear into the ether.
Blake stuffed his hands in his pockets as he got up and headed back toward the house. She’d gone silent again. He hesitated at the patio door and looked back at her lone figure sitting there. He had the feeling she wanted to be alone. He hated watching her drift away. He could actually see her slipping away from him as they talked, the w
ay she stared off into the distance as if he wasn’t there anymore, like she couldn’t hear a word he said. He’d wanted to scoop her up and take her back inside, but maybe that wasn’t the wisest decision, to put her back surrounded with all of Josh’s things, all their memories. At least out in the fresh air she could close her eyes and put herself somewhere else. She wasn’t on display like she’d been at the funeral where everyone had been watching her worriedly, afraid she’d go down at any minute.
The door opened and he jumped, startled, to see her best friend standing there, a blanket folded over her arm. “How is she?” she asked softly, searching his face for answers.
Blake shook his head sadly. “Not good.”
He held the door open for her, and she stepped out. “I thought I’d sit with her for a while.” She looked a little sheepish as she looked back inside the house. “I think she needs some time to herself, don’t you?”
“I think so too. Just…” He pressed his lips together, risking another glance over his shoulder. Avery hadn’t moved. “Be careful with her…she’s fragile.”
“I will.”
Blake nodded and slipped by her, back inside the house. For a moment all conversation in the room stopped until they realized who had walked through the door.
Avery heard the muffled sound of conversation behind her, but she didn’t have the energy or the inclination to turn to see who he was talking to. She figured whoever it was would join her soon enough. He had left the chair beside her awfully close. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back, feeling the warmth of the sun’s rays that was driving the clouds away, forcing the chill to dissipate.
Maybe she could simply close her eyes, fall asleep and sleep the rest of the day away. She didn’t want to face his family or hers. She just…she didn’t quite know what, maybe wallow in the numbness until something inside her finally clicked and found a way to go on without him, as impossible as that thought sounded to her.
The chair made a slight scraping sound as her new visitor pulled it back. A moment later a waft of floral perfume came her way. She blinked her eyes open to find Taylor standing in front of her, holding out a bottled water. “Avoiding everyone?”
Avery shook her head as she accepted the bottle. “No, just…” She exhaled softly. “I don’t know, maybe,” she admitted.
“I would too,” Taylor said as she sat down in the chair beside her before unfolding the blanket and stretching it over both their laps.
“I hate hearing everyone talk about him in past tense.” Avery played with the cap from the bottle, her nails tracing the grooves as she turned it slowly around and around. “It hurts.”
Taylor nodded. “I know, that’s why I came out here.”
“It feels wrong that he’s gone, like it shouldn’t have happened. That it wasn’t his time.” Avery shook her head as the words left her mouth and she straightened the blanket over her legs. “That’s so stupid, isn’t it? Wasn’t it his time? Like he had any choice in the matter.”
Taylor reached over and squeezed her hand. “Not stupid at all. We’re all thinking that.”
Avery sighed and held her best friend’s hand, looking out at the backyard. “I can’t do this, Tay…I can’t.”
“You can, hon, believe me. You’re not alone. You’ve got a houseful of people who are going to help you through this.”
Chapter 6
Josh had never been so nervous in his life. He stood with Gabriel in that long marble hallway that was becoming all too familiar to him. The white was still blinding no matter how many times he saw it. He rubbed the back of his neck anxiously, wishing he knew the magic words to say that would somehow convince the panel to do the right thing and send him back.
He kept rising up on tip toe then rocking backward on his heels. The nervous energy flowing through him seemed unstoppable.
Gabriel gave him a sympathetic look and moved closer to him. “It will be a panel of two. You have to make sure you tell them everything. Your friends. Your family. The baby. Avery. Don’t assume they know anything.”
“Okay.” He rose up on tiptoe again. What he wouldn’t give to just run off this energy somehow…to get rid of the nerves once and for all. He’d never had to do something so important before. So much was riding on one little conversation.
“I’ll be there to answer a couple questions on your behalf. You won’t be alone, Josh.”
“Thanks.” Josh stared down the hall to where the meeting was to take place. Please, please let me go back. That was all he wanted, that was all that was in his mind, his heart.
Within moments the door to the room opened, and a man in a suit appeared. “We’re ready for you now.”
“Here we go,” Josh mumbled. He took a moment to clear his head before he headed down the hall, Gabriel right behind him.
The room was smaller than the one he’d been in before, which didn’t help him from feeling claustrophobic. One of the men and the woman from the first panel sat behind another glass and chrome table, their faces equally blank and emotionless as they were the first time he’d met them. He wondered if they ever showed a single emotion, their faces were that inscrutable.
Josh said his hellos and waited for Gabriel to give him a hint of what to do. He stood there solemnly, his hands clasped in front of him as he waited.
“Has he had a chance to review everything so far?” the man asked, his attention completely on Gabriel.
Josh turned to Gabriel, keeping his voice low. “What are they talking about?”
“Not at this time,” Gabriel answered, not looking at Josh. He turned slightly toward him. “There’s a review of your life. We probably should have done that, but you spent so much time…” He kept his voice equally low, his expression showing his sudden concern.
Josh frowned, not getting it. What was there to review? He knew what he’d done in the last twenty-nine years, and nothing had been more important than being with Avery. “That’s okay, we’ll wing it.” He really didn’t have any other choice.
Gabriel chuckled, and a big smile crossed his face. “That’s a good term. Wing it. I like that one.”
Gabriel moved to the two chairs across the room and motioned for Josh to take a seat. Josh followed and took the seat on the left, taking a moment to get comfortable. He had a feeling this was going to take a while, but he didn’t care how long it took or what they wanted to show him or even what they wanted to ask. He’d do anything he had to in order to get back where he belonged.
“What do you have to go back for?” the woman asked, her tone bored as she barely even glanced toward Josh. It seemed like she was following a script.
He shifted in his seat, his nervous energy getting the better of him. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his legs, trying to keep from jumping out of the chair. “Everything.” He paused. Gabriel seemed to want him to say more, urging him with his eyes. The panel just looked at him, waiting. “I left a lot of things unfinished.”
“What sort of things?” the man asked.
“I never proposed to my girlfriend. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my family. My brothers are my best friends, they have been since we were kids. There were things I needed to say and do that I never got around to doing.”
The man on the panel wrote something down.
“His girlfriend is expecting a baby,” Gabriel added, shooting him a look.
“A baby?” The man looked back at his paper in front of him, and Josh wondered, if they were supposed to be all knowing, how they didn’t know that.
He’d been about to tell them about the baby and Avery. How they were his absolute everything. Nothing else mattered to him besides his family. The pain Avery felt, he felt. Could anyone else say that?
“She’s three months along. Her first sonogram or whatever it’s called is next week. Tuesday. We booked the appointment so we’d be able to go together.”
The panel looked at each other before going back to scribbling down notes.
Josh g
lanced at Gabriel. This wasn’t going well, he could feel it in his entire being. Shouldn’t there be more questions? Shouldn’t he have more to say? What could he say? He needed to go back, his family needed him. Avery needed him. They should know that if they knew anything about him at all.
Gabriel wasn’t paying attention to him or to the panel. Instead he studied his hands, his head down, expression shielded from Josh. Josh wanted to nudge him, to ask for advice on what to do, but he didn’t. Some part of him wouldn’t ask for help. He needed to do this himself. He had to rely on his own instincts. Somehow he’d gotten himself into this. He would be the one to get himself out of it.
“She’s my world,” Josh added. “The best day of my life was the day we met. She needs me, just like I needed her. This isn’t good for her, for the baby. She cries constantly. She isn’t sleeping well. My brothers are trying to look out for her, but they aren’t me. No one can take my place.”
He wished he could wave his hand like they did and bring up a scene on the wall to illustrate his point. Almost wondering if he could, he casually moved his hand, glancing over toward the glaring white wall, but it remained the same, not even a hint of the slightest change.
Gabriel finally met his gaze and nodded. Was that a sign of approval? Was he finally saying the right thing? Josh hoped so. The panel didn’t seem to look at him. Were they even paying attention to the things he said or were they simply going through the motions? They were so detached he couldn’t get a solid read on anything.
The questions slowly continued, but nothing of any importance that Josh could see. The urgency in him to get home began to turn to frustration, and he knew his answers were showing it. Finally they dismissed him and Gabriel with a simple hand motion so they could discuss matters in private. Josh couldn’t help feeling confused and easily dismissed.
Out in the hall, he waited till the door shut to look at Gabriel a few feet ahead of him. The man was always cool and calm, like nothing had ever bothered him. “How long have you been here?” He’d guess quite a while from his behavior.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 8