The anger began building inside of Josh, ratcheting up another level with every heartbreaking word from his older brother. He was voicing every thought Josh himself had had, but it was worse to hear it from someone he’d left behind. He jumped off the couch. The pain in Blake’s voice, in Avery’s voice when she was in his arms, cut through him like a knife, ripping him apart from the inside out. How could anyone survive such pain? The constant ache that told him something was wrong…so wrong and he had no way to fix it. He just had to let go. Let go…two crueler words he hadn’t ever imagined in his life.
“Why, Josh?” His brother’s voice reminded him of when they were kids. “Just…why?”
Josh lifted his head and looked at the muted images on the screen. It reminded him of standing in front of that damn panel, watching his life go by on the wall. “I just lost control, I guess.” Josh squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to see Avery’s smiling face on the screen, the way she laughed when he picked her up and swung her around.
It seemed like he’d lost control over everything with that accident.
His life. His future. His right to make any decision had seemingly gone out the window.
That was the one thing he didn’t understand himself. He’d driven in weather like that before. In worse weather, too, and he’d always been able to control the vehicle, to keep it on the road, to pay attention to what was going on around him. For some reason, this time he’d been stupid enough to think he had control when he really hadn’t.
What a great illusion, control.
He’d thought he’d had control over everything. The vehicle. His life. His future. And in an instant, he’d lost it all.
Chapter 10
Gabriel was growing accustomed to these long silent walks on the beach with Josh. Nothing he could say or do would draw him out of his shell. They’d spent countless hours already walking the long stretches of sand, day after day, which had slowly turned into week after week.
Occasionally Josh would stop and sit, just to stare out at the water, his fingers playing in the sand. Not one sound would escape him. The only thing Gabriel knew to do was stay with him and simply be there.
The only good thing out of all this was that Josh’s energy was slowly returning. He could see it in him after the first week. There was more color in his face. His blue eyes even had a sparkle every once in a while, and that was when Gabriel assumed he was lost in a memory about Avery. He hadn’t wanted to push or pry, hadn’t wanted to make the wounds hurt any more. He knew eventually Josh would say something in his own time. He just needed Josh to realize he was more than a guide, he was a friend.
He did question how long Josh could keep this up. Not only was the sadness overwhelming—Gabriel could sense it long before he would appear to Josh—but it was impeding any major progress he and Avery could be making. Seeing him slow his pace, Gabriel realized this could be his chance to start a real talk between the two. “You should open up,” Gabriel suggested as Josh stopped to stare out at the water. The sea was calm that day, at least for the moment. Sometimes it seemed to match Josh’s mood and would become dark and angry, the waves pounding the shore over and over again. Some days Gabriel found himself wondering if Josh wasn’t somehow capable of manifesting the turbulent water with the strength of his emotions.
Josh simply stared straight ahead at the horizon, his hands casually in his pants pockets. The breeze ruffled his hair, the only movement around him. “You want to know what I’m thinking?”
“Of course.”
“I failed her. I did so much wrong, so many stupid things, and now there’s so much she’ll never know.” He glanced toward him. “I didn’t tell her I loved her enough.” Josh rubbed the back of his neck as his gaze drifted back to the water. “Why didn’t I tell her enough?”
“She knows.” Gabriel perched on the nearby rocks. “She knows because she loves you just as much as you love her.”
“Lot of good that does us now.”
“Josh…”
He saw Josh roll his eyes before he turned completely away from him. From the determined set of his shoulders, he knew his friend was steeling himself against his own emotions. “Yeah, yeah, love’s this great, all glorious thing. It’s real great when you’re with the ones you love, but where am I? Banned from seeing them. Do you know how awful it is to be away from her? How upset I am that I can’t be there for her pregnancy? I’ll never see my child. It hurts. It hurts so much it feels like I’m being ripped apart, Gabriel. Nothing ever hurt as much as this does, and you know what? It’s never, ever going to go away no matter what anyone tells me.”
“In time…”
Josh moved a few steps away. “Gabriel, just please leave me alone for a while. No lectures, no reassurances, just let me be alone for a while, okay?”
There really was no other choice. “All right,” Gabriel reluctantly agreed and couldn’t do anything but watch as Josh walked away. His heart was heavy as he watched him get smaller and smaller in the distance, his head down as he walked, his steps getting slower the further he got. He wished there was something he was able to do for him, something to help ease the pain, but he couldn’t. Josh had to go through this all on his own.
***
Avery set the pizza box on the kitchen table and tossed her keys down beside it. Pizza for one, technically two. The first of many, she thought as she pressed her lips together to fight back the tears that the mere thought caused. She hung her purse on the back of the nearby chair and headed for the cupboards, stopping before her hand wrapped around the handle. “Why bother with plates? It’s just me.”
She washed her hands at the sink, grabbed an iced tea from the fridge and a napkin and made herself comfortable at the table. “Half cheese, half pepperoni. Crazy. I’m still ordering our pizza.” She fought back the slightest smile and lifted the lid on the pizza box, revealing the steaming pie. Just the sight of it made her teary, and she let the lid drop back down before she put her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking.
She needed to get hold of herself. Now she couldn’t even look at a pizza?
She was becoming pathetic. Pregnancy hormones or not, sometimes she felt like nothing more than an emotional wreck. She bit her lip, trying to focus on something other than the urge to cry. Yet she knew she needed to get all this out, needed to get past the constant hurt that was there, the feel that this whole situation was wrong, that Josh should still be there.
She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and went to voicemails, scrolling till she found the one she wanted. She just needed to hear his voice right then, just to remember what it was like.
“Hey, Aves…”
An automatic smile crossed her lips and a sense of calm rushed over her, giving her a moment’s peace. She closed her eyes and squeezed the phone tight, her one lifeline at that very moment.
***
Avery had barely turned the kitchen light on the next morning when the phone started ringing. She hurried across the kitchen to grab it before it went to voicemail. “Hello?” She wondered who it could be at that hour of the morning. The sun had only risen a short while before. Avery had watched it as she lay in bed, trying to make it through another sleepless night.
“Hi, honey.”
Avery smiled, hearing Linda’s worried voice. She knew she should have called her sooner but she’d just been so…out of it lately that she’d just wanted to cocoon herself away. “Hi, Linda.”
“Just wanted to see how you were doing. Tried calling yesterday but couldn’t get hold of you.”
“I unplugged the phone last night. Just wanted a quiet night alone.” Especially after realizing something as simple as a pizza could make her break into tears, she just wanted some time to herself.
“I can understand that.” There was a pause on the other end, and Avery wondered if she’d remembered it would have been their anniversary that weekend. It seemed like everyone knew.
“How are you, honestly?”
Avery cle
ared her throat. “Honest?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I guess.” She paused as she took a seat on the couch. It was hard to put into words how she felt sometimes. “I don’t know how to explain it.”
“But you’re feeling okay? The pregnancy’s going okay?”
Avery smiled at the concern in her voice. “Baby’s fine. Just where he should be.” She thought about how worn the sonogram was getting from her holding it so much. She should do the smart thing and frame it or make another copy. Sometimes it was the one thing that made her realize what she had to go on for when she felt like she was drowning in a sea of pain. That there was one thing she needed to live for, one person who needed her as much as she needed him.
“I’m glad. You know we’re all…” Linda paused. “We all just want to know you’re okay and if you need something, anything…we’re here for you.”
“Thank you. I know, it’s just…” How did she say that some days seeing the pain on their faces was too much for her? That the numbness she’d spent so long in was melting away and that seeing the pain of someone else was like a knife in her own heart sometimes.
“Anything you need, honey, just someone to talk to or sit and watch television with. Late night ice cream runs…just know we’re here, okay?”
Avery laughed, the sentiment bringing tears to her eyes. “Thank you, really.”
“We need both mommy and baby healthy.”
Josh sat beside Avery, his eyes wandering over her, scrutinizing everything. He listened carefully to her side of the conversation, embedding the sound of her voice in his mind. He wanted to stroke his fingers through her hair one last time, to tip her head back and kiss her forehead, her nose, her lips. To make her smile and look into his eyes and know she saw him. He leaned his head against her shoulder, startled when she gave a little jump at the contact. He closed his eyes and let himself just take in the sound of her voice, knowing that any minute the panel could call him back and he’d never be with her again. Stolen time was all he had.
***
Hearing the doorbell, Avery set down the recipe book she’d been flipping through and left the kitchen. The time on the wall clock told her it was too early in the day for it to be anyone rational. It wasn’t even double digits yet. Someone must have been like her, wide awake and fully dressed at that hour. She hadn’t slept much lately. She tended to doze off mid afternoon on the couch, her hand wrapped around the remote control. It seemed like the one time of day when her thoughts slowed down enough that she could close her eyes and just drift away. Either that or the exhaustion finally hit her and she just didn’t have the energy to fight it anymore.
She checked through the peephole and smiled as she unlocked the door, opening it to see Josh’s younger brother standing there. “Alec.”
“Avery.” He grinned as he pulled her into a big hug, squeezing her tight and pulling her up on tiptoe. He kissed her hair as he pulled back and peered past her into the dark house. “Busy?”
“Hardly. Was just deciding what to make for breakfast.” She laughed as his face lit up at the mention of food. “I see food has the same effect on you as it does on Josh. Get in here.”
Alec laughed as he walked in and shut the door behind him before taking his coat off and hanging it up on the coat rack. He followed her into the kitchen. She headed to the cupboards and rummaged for plates. It felt nice to have company again, a small part of her thought, and she smiled as she heard him roaming around behind her, opening and closing the fridge door. She grabbed two plates and set them on the counter. “And I don’t have the faintest idea why you’re on my doorstep within an hour of your mom calling.”
“You talked to Mom?” He feigned innocence as he opened the lid on the pizza box and looked up at her. His eyes were a similar blue to Josh’s, but just a few shades lighter.
“I did.” She slid a plate toward him. “She sounded worried.” She waited till he took out two slices of pizza and set them on his plate. She reached over and got a slice of her own. Alec went back to the fridge and grabbed a couple cold waters, opening one and setting it in front of her.
She took a seat on one of the stools at the counter and picked a piece of pepperoni off her slice. “Can I ask you something?”
“Course.”
“Why’s everyone so…” She paused, trying to find the right word. “So protective?”
Alec had been about to take a bite of his cold pizza. He set the slice down and looked at her, surprise showing on his face. He leaned against the counter like his brother always used to do, his arms crossed over his chest. She could almost swap the two out in her mind with Alec in that stance, Josh a little taller, a little more muscular, but that same Collins smile, that same concern darkening his eyes.
“Because we love you, and with Josh not here anymore, we just want to make sure you’re okay. You gotta know Josh would have been the same way.”
She smiled in memory. His constant checkins, the text messages, those silly little smiley faces he’d send just to let her know he was thinking about her. “He was starting to get like that. You know he marked down all my doctor’s appointments so far in his appointment book upstairs? He was even reading pregnancy websites.” Josh. The man who blushed at the mere mention of things was now…correction, had been trying to learn as much as he could.
A wistful smile crossed his face and he ducked his head, uncrossing his arms and going back to his pizza, like a protective shield. “I can see him doing that.”
She saw the hunch in his shoulders as he took a bite of pizza. “You miss him as much as I do, don’t you?” Not that she doubted it for a minute, but maybe, just maybe he needed to talk to her as much as everyone thought she needed to talk.
He shrugged, keeping his eyes on his pizza. He took a few more bites before answering. “He’s my big brother.” He stayed silent for a while. “I needed him around. He was the one who kept me grounded, Avery. Who do I go to now when I just want to talk?”
“I know it’s not the same, but I’m always here. Granted, me going fishing in the next little while may not happen, but anytime you feel that way…”
He lifted his head, and she couldn’t miss the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. Instinctively she reached out and squeezed his hand. “Thanks.” His voice was hoarse, and he squeezed her hand back.
***
Gabriel realized how quiet Josh had become. Time had passed at a good rate, hours turned into days, days into weeks. He’d tried not to let on how much time had passed with Josh’s family and friends, knowing it would just hurt Josh more to realize what he was missing out on.
Despite the time, Josh still remained the same. Sullen, remote and, most disturbing of all, very, very quiet. He wondered what it would take to bring Josh out of the shell into which he had retreated. He was the happiest when he was talking about his friends and family. There was a certain light in his eyes that appeared when he spoke their names, when he reminisced about things that had happened. Funny little stories. Inside jokes. That was when the real Josh came out, the one Gabriel knew had so much potential, so much to live for. The one that Gabriel wished was around more often, one he thought if the panel could get a glimpse of for a few moments, they might just grant Josh back some of the privileges he’d lost. If Josh ever got accustomed to what happened to him and was able to deal with it and heal from the whole ordeal, he’d become a great mentor.
The downfall, of course, to all that was that after the stories were done with, Josh would remember where he was and the anger over being separated from his loved ones would wear through, quickly taking away the brief happiness he’d had, just like the waves that washed their footprints away in the sand.
Gabriel followed the curve in the stretch of beach, finding Josh perched on a large gray rock, throwing smaller rocks one at a time into the ocean. “Josh?”
Josh kept his blue eyes on the water even as he heard his friend’s voice call to him a second time. The water was the one thing that
managed to keep him calm, even there on the other side. He wished he was able to go out on his boat and just sit in the middle of the ocean and get lost in this thoughts like he used to, but that wasn’t happening. Never would again. No matter where he was or what he was doing, Gabriel could appear in a flash, unannounced and, at times, unwanted.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Gabriel approaching him. “What, G?”
“My lord, he speaks!” Gabriel smiled as he climbed up beside him. “What’s with G?”
“Nickname, I guess.” Josh threw another rock into the ocean and watched the small ripples form where it had broken the surface of the water. He toyed with the rocks remaining in his hand. A small handful, warmed from the sun, they almost fooled him into thinking they were warm from his own touch. Funny how there he was able to pick things up, hold them and even throw them into the ocean, but at home, the simple act of touching anything required more patience and energy then he’d ever thought possible.
Gabriel settled in beside him, collected a few pebbles from the hollow in the rocks behind them and stretched his legs out in front of him. He studied the stones in his hand and finally picked one, lifting it in the air to examine it.
Josh picked one of the stones from his friend’s hand and tossed it away.
“You’ve been rather silent lately,” Gabriel noted as he finally chose one of his own rocks and threw it toward the water.
Josh watched the stone arch its way gracefully through the air before plopping down in the water. “Yeah, well, not exactly a lot to talk about.”
“Sometimes it helps to talk.”
“Turning into a shrink on me?”
“No, just offering to listen. I know how hard this whole situation is on you.”
Josh pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned his forehead against them. A thousand different emotions ran through him at every moment. He was afraid if he started talking about any of them, the floodgates would open and he’d never be able to get them closed. “Not right now, okay?”
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 13