***
Josh played with his thumbnail. He hated hearing Gabriel’s words, the description so vivid he felt like he could reach out and touch her. It killed him to imagine her in some hospital bed somewhere, so frightened, so scared…worried about losing the last piece of him they all had. He wanted to jump to his feet and force himself back there, back with her where he knew he belonged, but he couldn’t and that hurt him worse than anything.
“She feels so responsible.” Gabriel’s voice was soft, as gentle as the breeze that wound its way up the sandy beach toward them.
Josh blinked back his tears, keeping his head down to mask his emotions from his friend. “It’s not her. All of this is on me.” He fisted his hands.
“No.”
“But it is. You’re lying to me if say you don’t see it, Gabriel. I caused all this. I wasn’t meant to be here. If I was there, she’d be fine. No need for her to worry or to cry herself to sleep, to be trying to live a future she never wanted to imagine.” He lifted his head to see Gabriel standing a few feet away, a sadness on his face he hadn’t seen before. “All me, my fault, and if anything happens to her, to our son…” He swallowed the lump in his throat, shaking his head as fresh tears streamed down his face. He reached up and rubbed them away with his palm. “There’s nothing I can do, nothing.” He stared up at the crystal blue sky. “She needs you right now.” Josh faced Gabriel. “You can make a difference, G.”
Gabriel frowned. They kept walking. “I’m not allowed to interfere.”
“No, I’m the one who isn’t allowed to interfere. Don’t give me that stuff about it getting easier in time, because I sure as hell don’t believe it.” There was no way that ache inside his chest was ever going to go away. Just like that lifeless look in her eyes never faded. He needed to convince his friend that he could help.
Gabriel’s pace slowed as they neared the pier. “I don’t know what I can do.” For the first time he saw an unease on his friend’s face that didn’t seem to stem from his behavior. Was Gabriel actually realizing that what he’d been saying all along was true?
***
Avery watched as Linda walked into the hospital room. She’d had the steadiest stream of visitors she’d ever seen since visiting hours started that morning. She tried to smile, to take the worry off her face so she didn’t worry Linda. She knew the other woman didn’t need the stress. They all had so much going on that the last thing any of them needed was the added stress of something else. It made Avery feel guilty to have caused such chaos.
“How are you feeling?” Linda asked as she pulled the visitor’s chair up next to the bed. She set her purse down beside her chair and took a seat. Her hand clamped tightly around Avery’s for a moment, and Avery was surprised how cold it was.
Avery shrugged. She saw the fear in Linda’s eyes, that she was afraid of losing someone else. Just like she was. “Like I’m ready to bust out of here, actually.” She sighed and used her other hand to motion to the closed blinds. “Did I ever say how much I hate hospitals? Because I do, I really, really hate them. Especially now. They’re claustrophobic.” She was rambling and she knew it, but she needed to get the words out, to get out her frustration to someone who’d actually understand what was going on with her.
Linda nodded. “You’ve been here awhile, it’s understandable.” She motioned toward the windows. “Do you want me to open the blinds? Get some light in here? Might cheer you up a little.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m almost thinking they’re planning on keeping me here till the baby’s born.”
“Now that, I highly doubt.”
“I don’t know.” Avery settled back against the pillows. They were flat and uncomfortable, much like the cramped hospital bed. “You’ve got the mom face on, Linda. What’s going on?” Please don’t let there be something wrong. That was the last thing she could handle at the moment. She was hanging on by a thread as it was.
“We talked to the doctor earlier, and he mentioned you may be able to be discharged later today if he can be guaranteed you’ll take care of yourself and avoid stress.”
Ha, there was the catch. There was no avoiding stress in her life right now. “See? More proof.”
Linda gave her a stern look. “So I came to a conclusion on how you can guarantee him you’ll be taken care of.” She reached forward and patted her hand. “You stay with us for a while.”
“Linda—” She was cut off before she had the chance to argue the point.
“It’s the best decision, really. You won’t have to do anything but just sit and relax and let us take care of you.” Linda must have seen the opposition in her eyes. “Please? I’d feel more comfortable having you there. I don’t want to worry about you being alone right now, Avery. It’s not good for you to be on your own .” Linda looked at her. “You know Josh would want you to take care of yourself.”
Those words were like a knife through her heart, the pain swift and sudden. They probably weren’t meant the way she took them, that she wasn’t able to handle things on her own, but it was hard not to take them that way. They held the hint of the same stinging accusation she kept giving herself. Of course she knew how Josh would feel about this. She didn’t want to hurt herself or the baby. Didn’t they know that? She was doing the best she could, the best way she knew how. There wasn’t a manual for this type of thing or she would have bought it and memorized it by now. “Linda, I really…” It was a nice offer, but it was the last thing she wanted. She wanted her space, her own place, her own bed and her own things.
“The guest room is already set up and waiting for you, just till the weekend,” Linda quickly added as if she sensed Avery was about to disagree. “You need to rest, we just want to look after you, that’s all.”
“It’s just…I want to go home, to my house.”
“Honey, the doctor said it’s unwise for you to be alone right now. He recommended complete bed rest, which means someone has to be with you.”
“I’ll stay with her,” Taylor said from the doorway. Avery jumped. She hadn’t even heard the door open, let alone anyone come in. “I mean, if that’s okay with Avery. That way there’s someone there, and she can be at home where she really wants to be.”
Avery gave her a small nod of thanks. Finally someone who understood her. “That would be great.” She turned to a slightly deflated Linda, and a rush of guilt hit her, but that was truly what she wanted. “Would Dr. Matthews go for that?”
“Don’t you think it would be stressful?” Linda tried again, looking between her and Taylor, probably trying to sway Taylor into changing her mind and joining her side, trying to talk Avery into staying with the Collins.
“Linda…” Avery started, trying to come up with the right thing to say.
Linda searched her face before a quiet sigh escaped her, obviously relenting as she slowly got to her feet. “I’ll run this by the doctor, but it sounds all right to me.” She leaned over Avery and gave her a gentle hug. “We just want you to be happy and healthy.”
“I know,” Avery whispered, squeezing her tight.
Linda nodded and moved to get her purse. “I’ll go try to track him down, see if he’ll give us a timeline on when we can get you home.” She turned to Taylor. “Keep her company.” She looked at Avery one last time before she headed for the door. “I’ll grab you a few more magazines before I come back.”
“Thanks, Linda.”
Both women watched her leave, and Taylor took over the vacated chair. “I know, I know,” she said, “but at least now you know where Josh got that stubborn streak from, huh?”
“Yeah,” Avery agreed. “Thank you, Taylor. It’s just…”
“Hey, it’s more than cool with me. We can hang out and talk baby stuff. I can’t wait to be an unofficial aunt, you know. I’m going to spoil that little baby rotten.” She smiled at her. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I hope so.” She slid lower in bed, keeping her knees bent. She glanced toward the machines at the si
de. “What I wouldn’t give for a time machine right now.”
“If I could, sweetie, you’d have one.”
“So what’s the consensus? I’m inept or just plain reckless?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“Amongst the family. This isn’t exactly…” She motioned to the monitors. “A textbook pregnancy. It was at the start, but now…” Now everything had changed on her without any warning. “I know I told the doctor he could talk to you, say what was going on. What did he say exactly?” She bit her bottom lip. She hoped he hadn’t sugarcoated it to her then gone and told them something else, like the truth. That she’d done something stupid somewhere along the line and screwed up all she had left. This one piece of Josh that everyone was depending on.
“He didn’t say anything bad, if that’s what’s making you so worried. He said everything was fine. The bed rest is just a much needed precaution to give your body time to rest. The baby is fine. Really, Avery, he is.”
“I just got so scared.”
Taylor leaned over and hugged her tightly, squeezing her the way Josh used to. “We all were, honey.”
Avery tried to laugh as her friend pulled away, but it came out pretty pitiful, and she wiped away the tears that were threatening to fall. “Can’t cry anymore, can I?”
“Of course you can, just not as much. You need to sleep. We all know how little you’ve been sleeping.”
“Guess I really haven’t been taking care of myself, huh?” And all this time she’d been fooling herself into thinking she was. No matter how awful she felt, how little appetite she had, how much she dreaded another bout of morning sickness if she forced even a single cracker down, she had. She just needed more. More time for her and less time for everything else.
“Don’t say that. We just need to make sure you concentrate on you for a while, okay?” Taylor smiled reassuringly at her. “Time to indulge yourself, sweetheart.”
Indulge. She hadn’t done that in forever. She wasn’t even sure she knew how to anymore.
Chapter 15
Josh chewed his thumbnail. He was worried sick. He didn’t think it was possible, but he was literally sick to his stomach with fear. Nausea mixed with adrenaline made him feel awful. He turned to find Gabriel coming toward him. He hated to admit how just the sight of him now worried Josh, wondering what more bad news he would bring him. What more could possibly go wrong? How could everything just disintegrate that fast?
Gabriel waved as he neared, and Josh tried to make himself seem better than he was. He didn’t want to worry him any more than he already was.
“You wouldn’t believe how much I hurt. I just want to see her, to know she’s okay. That the baby’s okay.”
“The panel—”
“Yeah, yeah I get it. They think I did something wrong, but I need to know she’s okay, that the panel isn’t lying to you. I need to know, G.” Gabriel was the only person he could confide in. He hadn’t met a single soul since he’d been there besides Gabriel and the panel. “Please,” he reiterated. “You can go to her again, can’t you? Please? Just let me know she’s okay.” Josh’s voice broke, and he bowed his head, trying to regain his composure. He hated feeling as weak as he did. He strained the sand through his fingers. No one understood him. Understood her. Was he really the only one who could see what was happening? That she was on a path that was headed nowhere good?
Gabriel’s expression softened. “Just to make sure she’s all right, that everyone’s looking out for her?”
Josh nodded eagerly. “I just…knowing the way she is G, I need to know. She’s my world. I want to know she and our son are really all right.” He kept having this feeling, this little inkling of sorts that something wasn’t right. It wasn’t just because he was away from them. This was something else entirely. A premonition of sorts, maybe.
Something like he should have felt that morning…but he hadn’t, but whatever it was he was definitely feeling it now.
***
Avery sighed to herself. There was still a hint of his aftershave in the air, and she wondered what she’d do when it faded completely away. She took a step toward the row of shirts, her eyes scanning them. She needed a t-shirt, nothing more. In fact she had half a dozen nightshirts of her own in a drawer right in their bedroom, but she wanted something of his. To keep him close to her and the baby right now. “He wouldn’t mind, would he?”
Taylor looked up from where she’d been folding the tshirts she’d brought up in the laundry hamper. They hadn’t let Avery do a thing since she’d gotten home an hour ago. It amazed her in a way that they’d let her take a shower by herself. She was sure Taylor had hovered nearby in case she needed someone.
It was like heaven to be home again. To not be in that cramped hospital bed. To have the chance for fresh air and room to stretch out once she got in bed. She knew if she didn’t grab a shirt soon, Alec would probably come upstairs and carry her to bed himself. She was supposed to be on bed rest after all.
“Of course not.” Taylor’s voice was soft in the silence of the room. “Now come on, change and get some rest. Remember what the doctor told you today.”
Like she’d ever forget. Those words were emblazoned in her mind. “I need to rest.” She slid one of his tshirts off the hanger and draped it over her arm. She was starting to feel tired again. Weary. “It just gets so lonely sometimes,” she confessed.
“Do you want me to stay with you? I can get my things from the guest room and stay in here with you if you want.”
“Can we just talk till I fall asleep?”
“Course.”
Taylor left to change into her pajamas, and Avery shut the door softly behind her. She leaned her forehead against the closed door for a moment, her fingers rubbing the soft cotton of his t-shirt.
She was strong. She could do this.
***
Avery was still groggy as she slowly struggled to blink her eyes open. She lay there in that bleary state of consciousness, trying to focus on something in the dimness of the bedroom to help her wake up. She swore she’d felt something, something that had been strong enough to pull her out of sleep. She yawned as she lay still and waited, a sudden smile crossing her face as she felt that sensation again—the tiniest little flutter.
The baby.
Her hand instinctively reached to the other side of the bed and brushed against the coolness of the sheets. “Josh, the baby’s kicking,” she said excitedly as she sat up, meaning to shake him awake. As soon as she sat up, she realized the silence of the house was too silent, and it hit her. Josh was gone. Gone.
She reached out and grabbed his pillow. She clutched the cool fabric to her chest, using it to muffle the sound of her sobs, muting her cry as she called out his name over and over, letting the tide of emotions overtake her. Of all the things she’d wanted to share with him, this moment was one she always thought he’d be there for. And now it had been stolen away from her.
***
The beach was deserted. The sun had just started to rise above the horizon, casting everything in a haze of golden orange. Josh kicked at the sand at his feet, head bowed, completely lost in thought. He couldn’t even appreciate the beauty around him, the colors reflecting off the water, let alone the sense of peace that seemed to be there in that moment, everything quiet and serene.
It seemed like it had been forever since he was able to think, to complete a thought, to focus on anything. Fear had blinded him, numbed him to a point where he finally believed he was dead. The news of the near miscarriage had shaken him to his core. After Gabriel had left him with the news, he’d walked, must have walked the whole night and day, not sure where he was or where he was headed. He just needed to keep moving. The urge to go to her was so overwhelming, he’d barely been able to keep from begging Gabriel to take him to her.
He couldn’t believe an event like that wouldn’t have given him an appeal, yet there had been nothing, not even a hint of a small possibility. Meanwhile Gab
riel was keeping his distance, something Josh appreciated. He’d been doing some serious thinking, and there was really only one conclusion—he was going back. He was going to her. All he needed to do was figure out how to get there, how to get back to her.
Exhausted, he dropped to the sand and stretched his legs out in front of him. He didn’t know how to get to her, but there had to be a way. If Gabriel could do it, he could.
He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there, focused on the water but not seeing the waves crash the shore. Instead he’d been visualizing her in his mind. Trying to figure out what it was going to take to transport him back to her when his senses started to stir. There was movement further down the beach, and he turned his head, shielding his eyes with his hand. Gabriel walked toward him. For a moment Josh stilled, worried that he was bringing more bad news.
He jumped up off the sand as Gabriel neared. “Did you see her?”
Gabriel fought back his tears as he nodded. He’d been there in the room checking up on her when she woke up to the baby kicking for the first time. It was all he could do not to give her a sign right then and there, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t even a part of her life, and his heart broke seeing her cry out for Josh.
“What happened?”
Gabriel managed a weak smile as he took a seat next to Josh on the warm sand. He wished he’d been able to share with him what he witnessed, for him to have been there for such an important moment. “She felt the baby kick. He woke her up.”
Josh sat perfectly still for a minute, simply staring ahead at the horizon, unblinking, just lost in the moment. Gabriel watched the sheen of tears appear, and Josh bowed his head as he tried to wipe them away. Gabriel felt his pain. He knew that Josh had wanted to be there the first time she felt the baby move. In a perfect world, he would have been right there beside her, feeling it for himself as they shared that moment together. “How is she?”
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 18