His throat closed up at the vulnerability of her words, and he made himself look away, his eyes filling with tears. He knew all too well. “Yeah.”
“You had him for so much longer, Blake.”
“I know.” He reached for her hand and held it in his own, not sure what else to do. It shook slightly, and he massaged her fingers, trying somehow to put some calmness into her. “Know what I miss the most?”
“What?”
“His stupid pranks he thought were so funny. Stealing our luggage when we went on vacation.” His thoughts turned serious. “The way he’d call just to ramble on about anything at any hour of the day because he needed to get the thoughts out of his head.”
“I just miss him being here.”
“I know you do, sweetheart.” He squeezed her hand softly. “We all do.”
Blake closed the door to her hospital room behind him. Finally he felt like he was able to breathe. He wiped his stinging eyes and wondered how he’d managed to hold back his tears for so long. At the sound of approaching footsteps, he looked up to find Alec, Linda and Taylor all coming toward him.
Alec gave a meek wave as they approached. “We were worried, and the cafeteria just didn’t seem like the place to be.”
Blake gave a nod of understanding. He wouldn’t have been able to handle being far away in a situation like this either.
“How is she?” Linda asked as she rubbed her arms anxiously and cast a glance toward the closed hospital door. “They won’t tell any of us a damn thing. Something about family. She is our family, damn it!”
The comment made Blake smile at his mother. “I’ll tell her that when she wakes up. She’ll let them know you can know about her condition.”
“Condition?” Taylor repeated the word apprehensively. The cardboard coffee cup in her hand illustrated her shakiness, and he thought it was a good thing it had a cover on it or she would have been wearing half of the contents.
He nodded and waved toward the waiting area. He wished there was a better place to hold a conversation like this. In the middle of the hallway didn’t seem like the best place, and the waiting room wasn’t high on his list either, but it might offer them a little more privacy than they had where they currently stood.
Alec nodded and put his hand on Taylor’s back, urging her to follow Blake to the small waiting room. Blake rubbed the back of his tired neck as they walked in and he took a seat. They all followed suit, sitting directly across from him. He took a deep breath and met the questioning gazes of all staring at him. He knew that Alec knew a little of the story from being the one who’d brought her in, but he’d needed a break by the time Blake had arrived and he’d been glad to take over.
“The stress is taking its toll on her physically. Her blood pressure is elevated. That’s a big warning sign she needs to calm down. But it’s almost a blessing she lifted something she shouldn’t have that caused the cramps and the bleeding so she had to come to the hospital, because without it, they wouldn’t have known about her blood pressure.” Blake watched as Alec got to his feet and walked over to the window that looked out toward the hallway, and further down, her hospital room. He knew it was too much for him. “It sounds like she’s going to need bed rest, a lot of bed rest for the next while to see where things go from there, but it’s the best chance for her to have a healthy pregnancy. The doctor said it shouldn’t last longer than a month or more as long as Avery can follow orders…not lift anything…not do much and stay put in bed.”
Taylor played with her coffee cup, glancing at Alec before turning her attention back to Blake. “How is she right now?”
“Sleeping at the moment. I’m not sure she heard everything about the bed rest. She seemed lost in her own little world, but I’m sure the doctor will go back over everything with her again.” At least she was getting some sleep in there. He knew from personal experience and from conversations that she hadn’t slept through a whole night since Josh died. Everything changed that morning.
“I need a coffee,” Alec said suddenly. “Anyone else? Taylor?”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
“Blake?”
“That’d be great, thanks.”
“I’ll go with you,” Linda said. “I could use a sandwich or something to eat.”
Taylor waited until they left. “Why the hell didn’t he pay attention to the roads, Damn it, I hate him. He did this! He caused all of this.” Blake moved his chair forward and lifted her chin to look into her watery eyes. She blinked, turning sheepish. “I’m sorry, he’s your brother and—”
“It’s okay.” He knew her words were out of pain. So were his when he yelled at his brother when he was alone at night, wishing for a sign that he heard him. That he knew how angry he was at him having been taken away from him. “He lost control. Nothing anyone could have done to stop it. He just went across the line and…” He trailed off and Taylor hugged him tight. The painful images had come to mind again, the ones that flooded his dreams every night. Every nightmare since then had been of that accident, standing by on the side of the road, unable to do anything to save his little brother. He’d never felt more helpless in his life than in the midst of those horrible dreams.
“She needs Josh right now,” Taylor said softly as she pulled back.
“We all do.” He wiped her tears away. “We all do.”
***
Alec had returned with coffee for everyone. Taylor and Linda had taken theirs and a couple sandwiches then gone to get some fresh air. The men had opted to stay behind, close to Avery in case anything happened. “Things are unraveling,” Blake said, his arms crossed as he perched against the window, the rain droplets tracing paths down the other side of the glass. In front of him sat his wrapped sandwich and half a coffee, the only thing he could stomach. Somehow food just wasn’t what he wanted. “Since he died, things are just…”
Alec stood across from him, nursing his untouched coffee. “They’re changing.”
“I don’t like the way they seem to be going.”
“Me either.”
“What do we do? I feel like things are getting out of control. What if they hadn’t been able to stop the complications? That’s Josh’s baby. Little Josh was going to be a father.”
Alec bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Remember when he told us? All I saw was him as a thirteen year old who wouldn’t put down his damn videogames and now…” He took a deep breath. “He grew up and was going to have his own family. I kept envisioning him and a little boy just like him, matching hats, matching football jerseys, matching grins.”
Blake laughed. “That would have been a sight.”
“One I’d give anything right now to see.”
***
“It’s up to you if you want him to know.” The leader of the panel looked at Gabriel across the table.
The weight of the world was suddenly on his shoulders. If he kept something like this from Josh, he’d never keep his trust or his friendship. To tell him the truth meant unleashing his wrath because there was no way Josh was going to handle any of this well. “I would think he should know. He has a right to.” Avery was the love of his life, the child was his.
The woman pursed her lips. “He does, but how do you think it will affect him? He’s been rather, how shall we say, volatile?”
Gabriel gave a nod of agreement. Unlike Josh, he knew when it was wise to keep his mouth shut. To try and defend him would just cause more trouble that he didn’t want Josh to be in. For once, he was truly seeing the panel in a whole new light. Instead of guardians, protecting the balance of everything, they were ignoring obvious signs that things weren’t right.
Josh waited outside the meeting room. He was growing to really hate that place with its blindingly white walls. The cold marble sent ice water through his veins every time he entered. He glanced toward the door and wondered what was taking Gabriel so long. He’d offered to tag along because, really, what else did he have to do? Nothing but wander
down the beach he loved. Throw some rocks into the ocean and watch yet another sunrise or sunset. He could catch a few a day if he timed it right, moving from beach to beach around the world. The colors were never the same at each one. There were so many things he’d seen now that he would have loved to share with Avery. Places he knew she’d adore where the water was so blue and clear a person could see straight through it. Where they could go snorkeling through the water for hours then curl up on the beach, wrapped in blankets, and stare up at the night sky with so many stars it wouldn’t seem real. Except he didn’t have the chance for that.
He never knew regret could hurt so much until he was faced with a lifetime of it, things he’d never said or done, things he’d wanted to do. Everything he ever wished for them that could never be haunted him as much as the pain of losing her.
Gabriel halted in his tracks the moment he laid eyes on Josh outside in the hall waiting for him. He hadn’t expected him to still be there. In truth, he’d needed some time on his own away from his charge to figure things out. It wasn’t easy being what he was, to have his ability to see things yet be forced to be an innocent bystander most of the time.
“What’s up?” Josh pushed away from the wall he’d been leaning against.
Gabriel took his presence as a sign that Josh should know and know right away. There was no way to keep something like this from him anyway. Josh was astute. He’d sense something in Gabriel even if he tried to buy himself a short amount of time to come up with a good way to break the news to him. But that was the ironic part. There was no good way to do this. “We need to have a talk.”
“What kind of talk?” Josh asked suspiciously, casting a look toward the closed door behind Gabriel.
“Just a talk, that’s all.” He tried to keep a nonchalant attitude. He didn’t want Josh to have an outburst so close to the hearing range of the panel. It wouldn’t look good for what could possibly come later. “Come on, let’s get out of here.” He headed for the exit, glancing back only once to make sure his friend was right behind him.
He didn’t know where else to take Josh but to the beach. At least there if Josh’s emotions got the best of him there wasn’t much to damage. A few rocks in the ocean wouldn’t harm anything. No one would be around to witness things moving, flying through the air seemingly on their own accord. He just needed to find a way to tell him that wouldn’t send him over the edge.
The way Josh kept looking at him, he knew his friend thought something was wrong. He just wished it wasn’t. They walked outside of the building and onto the beach. For once Gabriel wished it wasn’t so simple to move about, that it would have required more time, more energy to project themselves somewhere else. Time that would grant Gabriel the opportunity to figure things out, give him the wording that wouldn’t send Josh on a rampage, or worse, to go so deep within himself that Gabriel wouldn’t be able to reach him anymore.
Josh sat near him. Gabriel stayed silent, trying to formulate the words. He must have taken too long for Josh’s liking as after a few moments Josh began to get antsy and moved to stand.
“Sit, Josh. I’m trying to find a good way to tell you this.”
“Tell me what?” Josh sat back on the sand, facing him. “Just say it out.”
Gabriel shook his head. “I rather doubt you’d want that.” Blurting this out with no thought, no care to his feelings, wasn’t something he was capable of. Gabriel cared too much for him for something like that. It was one of the reasons he wanted to be the one to tell him, not have him summoned to another meeting with the panel.
“No, I want to know.”
He waited a moment, looking off at the horizon as if the words would magically appear there for him to say. Nothing came to mind. Frustration grew inside him. There was no good way to do this. “Fine.” This was going to be so painful to say. He braced himself for Josh’s reaction. If he took off, he’d have to go after him. He couldn’t let him go off alone after this news. “This morning Avery almost lost the baby.”
Josh stared at him, expressionless. Then he saw it register, and an inferno blazed in Josh’s eyes, turning them a heated molten blue. His hand clenched and unclenched several times before he pushed himself to his feet. “Don’t kid about that…” He brushed the sand off his clothing. “Do not freaking say something like that.”
“I wouldn’t. I’m not.”
Quickly Josh turned away. His shoulders started to shake, slowly at first but growing in intensity with every passing second. “You said almost.” He took a moment before he glanced over his shoulder. “What do you mean by almost?”
“From what they told me it was an almost, a very close almost. The doctor told her she isn’t taking care of herself, the stress is getting to her.”
“Damn it.” He crouched down, resting his head on his knees, his hands coming up and pulling on his hair angrily, hard tug after hard tug for what seemed like minutes before he looked back up at him. “You know how scared she must be?”
“Your brothers and Taylor are with her.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better? I could have stopped it. Hell, Gabriel, I blame that so called righteous panel. I should have been sent back by now, but they won’t allow it. Doesn’t this show you that she needs me? When will they see that? How do I convince them?”
“Josh—”
He shook his head emphatically. “No, I’m not going to listen to you defending them, today of all days. I almost lost my son today, Gabriel.”
“Don’t you want to know how she is?”
“I suppose they told you she’s fine. Yeah, I’m sure she is.”
“Josh—”
“Go ahead.” He crossed his arms, waiting for what Gabriel needed to say.
Gabriel took a moment to calm down. His own emotions were reaching a peak and he was picking up Josh’s energies which were extremely chaotic. Josh’s anger radiated outward toward him, mixing with his own emotions. He needed to center himself and try to remain as impartial as possible. Josh was his charge. Avery had her own caretakers, but he couldn’t help wondering if they shouldn’t have been doing a better job.
“Here’s what I know happened. Alec came over. He wanted to take her out for a while, said she’d been cooped up in that house far too long, and that they had time before Taylor was going to show up. She didn’t really want to go, so they settled on him making lunch and her reading a book outside. That was when the strong cramps started.” He watched Josh get more upset, and he’d barely made a dent in the story. “Now listen, she’s had some back pain for a few days but ignored it. The panel believes that was the beginning of the whole problem. Alec took her straight to the hospital, and they examined her thoroughly. There was no bleeding when they got there.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear any more.”
“They stopped it, Josh. Didn’t tell her because if she knew, she would have gotten more upset and might have had a miscarriage anyway.”
Josh’s face fell. “Avery must have been terrified,” he whispered as he stared down at his hands.
“She stayed strong until Blake came in, and then she let it all out.”
Josh lifted his tear filled eyes. “Don’t you get it? None of this would be happening if I was there. Avery wouldn’t be stressed. Our baby wouldn’t have been in danger. Do you know what would have happened to her if she’d lost him?”
Gabriel looked away and swallowed the lump in his throat. He knew exactly what would have happened. “I have some idea.”
“Do you? Because I think she’d die of a broken heart, Gabriel. You’d be calling me to that mausoleum they call a conference room to meet her. And you know what? That’s the last way I ever want to see her again. I don’t want a broken heart to be the reason she ends up in this hell. Avery doesn’t deserve that, she’s never hurt a soul. I want to see her happy and smiling and full of life again, not this shell of a woman she’s becoming.”
Chapter 14
Helplessness was one of the wors
t feelings in the world.
She lay there wishing she was anywhere else, that things had been different. Could she mess up any more? Scares weren’t part of the plan. She’d been trying so hard to keep the pregnancy on track. On dealing with her grief in a way that was healthy. On trying to focus on the positive things, that she was healthy and so was the baby. That was the best thing she could do to honor Josh and his memory. But now it was as if things were unraveling around her, and no matter what she did she couldn’t stop it.
Her hands clutched the edges of the hospital blanket, and she blinked back her tears. All she wanted was to be able to go back in time and somehow stop all of this from happening.
Why couldn’t that be possible, just this once?
Gabriel looked at the machines, trying to understand what they all meant. She didn’t look okay. Her fear of hospitals hadn’t abated with this little scare. It had just made it all the worse with the doctors in and out and the constant monitoring. He knew every movement she made she overanalyzed, replaying events over and over in her head, trying to pinpoint what started it all. He could have told her it wasn’t one thing specifically but a series of them.
The feeling around her hadn’t changed. She’d gotten good at pretending, at fooling the others. He doubted they realized she still cried herself to sleep every night or how often she listened to Josh’s old voicemails, how she’d freaked out the night she’d thought she’d accidently erased them. She was on the edge of a cliff no one wanted her to fall down. Worry swept through him as she finally drifted off to sleep. A deep, unbidden worry told him Josh knew what he was talking about. Something had changed. Something inside her had literally died along with him, and the rest was following in its wake.
A quick flash of a horrific future flashed through his mind, and he grabbed onto the back of the nearby chair for support, startled when the chair squeaked on the linoleum. He shouldn’t have been able to do that. He was masking himself, trying to keep silent, unobserved as he kept an eye on her. But as he looked toward the bed, he saw she still hadn’t stirred. Her hands still rested protectively over the baby, her lips pressed tightly together in sleep.
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