“I was going to surprise her. Do the nursery on my own in the middle of the night while she slept then surprise her with everything in the morning. She would have been shocked at that one, huh? Wake up and find me sound asleep in the middle of the nursery, a half assembled crib in one corner, half assembled change table in the other and the walls still wet with paint.” He shook his head. “I was crazy.”
“I was thinking when Alec takes her to her doctor’s appointment this week I’ll go see where you hid everything. Give it to her before she ends up stumbling across it sometime when she’s unprepared.”
“Good idea.” Josh studied his brother’s face, knowing the underlying meaning of his words. He appeared to have aged ten years in the last few months. If he could, he’d wipe the pain away from everyone he loved. “I’m sorry, Blake. So sorry.”
Blake turned, facing where Josh sat but looking right through him, and any hopes Josh had that his brother sensed him vanished in an instant. “I miss you, we all do.”
“Miss you, too.” Josh pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to distract himself from feeling his brother’s pain. It ricocheted through his body. “I want you to find the baby stuff. Avery needs to have it.” He wondered if he concentrated hard enough if Blake would hear him, or if he could plant the idea of where to look in his mind. “The suitcase in the guest room. I figured she’d never look in there. She hates packing.”
***
She held her breath as the tiny boats on the mobile started to move. First one slowly, back and forth, as if it were deliberately being swayed gently, then came the next one, and then the one after that. Each started slowly but picked up speed until they were all going. Either she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or Josh was indeed back. She took the brand new blanket out of the box and set it over the end of the crib. “They’d all think I’m crazy for thinking you’re here. Heck, I’m even doubting my sanity about all of this.”
One of the boats stilled in response. It was just like him. A smart aleck remark. “Funny,” she muttered. Still the same smart ass she’d fallen in love with. “So funny, Josh. Toy with an already emotional pregnant woman.”
The lone boat began to sway slowly again. The slightest chill brushed against her arm as if he’d leaned against her for a moment.
She sighed. “Don’t.” The word was a weak plea not to play games.
The boats slowed down until just the first one was moving back and forth like someone was flicking it with their finger. For a moment she could almost imagine him beside her, leaning on the railing, toying with the soft fabric.
“I keep thinking you would try to show me you’re around. I know that night wasn’t a dream, Josh. You didn’t clean up after yourself.” She laughed softly. “Guess some things never change.”
“Neither do you.” The smile was evident in his voice as he watched her take a few more baby things out from the shopping bag onto the change table. He had to smile when he realized how much she was showing. All he wanted was to tell her how much he loved her and how proud he was of her for going through all this and have her for once be able to hear him say it.
He watched her rub her back gingerly as she headed toward the dresser. He noticed the new addition she’d added to the row of photos. It had been taken the same day she’d told him about the baby. He had his head on her shoulder and his hands resting on her hips as she’d been trying to take the picture with her camera. He laughed remembering how many blurred shots she’d gone through before that one had finally been taken. That grin on his face was so silly, but then again, she could make him sillier than he’d ever been in his life and far more serious, too.
She picked the frame up and traced his face with her finger. Josh was rooted to the spot, unable to move. From where he stood her heartache was palpable.
“I still don’t understand it. You were always such a good driver, but horrible with directions, even with GPS.” She laughed softly to herself. “Still, other than that…” She took a deep breath, and he frowned. He didn’t want her to get upset again. “Blake wants to take me to Lamaze. Well, actually, Alec asked me first. He came over with pamphlets and everything. Do you know they’re actually reading the same pregnancy books they get me? It’s like some warped book club they’ve got going.” She smiled and turned around as if she expected to see him there nodding in agreement.
Josh nodded. “They want to look out for you. They’re doing a damn good job, too.” He moved in front of her, wishing he could let her know for sure he was there. Hell, he wasn’t supposed to be there, he knew that, but he’d snuck away. Hopefully undetected. If the panel thought they could punish him again, go ahead and let them try. If they called him in front of them again, he’d tell them to deal with it. They took his life, they couldn’t control his afterlife.
She walked right through him, completely unaware of what she’d done. “You’re not helpful, you know. No one seems to know what you had in mind for baby names, and you know me, the poster girl for indecisiveness. He could still be Baby Collins come his first birthday.” She went to the crib with one of the new blankets and smoothed it over the mattress. “There probably isn’t a way for you to tell me even if you did have a name in mind. We probably should have talked about this a lot more.”
Just one more thing to add to the list of all the conversations he would have had if he’d known. He moved beside her. “I had a couple thoughts, you know, but you probably wouldn’t like them.”
Avery shrugged, causing him to look at her in surprise. There was no possible way she heard him, yet what were the chances she’d shrug at just the right moment? He wasn’t sure he believed in coincidences anymore.
“Whatever you like, sweetheart, is more than okay with me.”
***
Gabriel was everywhere, or so it seemed lately to Josh. He’d take himself to the beach, and Gabriel would be a few steps behind him. He’d go to the cemetery which was surprisingly at times eerily peaceful, and he’d sense the man around him, see a flash out of the corner of his eye that told him his friend was around more than he wanted to admit. That Josh was being watched a lot closer than anyone had told him.
“Can you stop following me?” Josh’s exasperation came out in the question. It would be so much easier if he could lose his friend for even a few minutes, just long enough to pop in and see what was going on with her. With his family.
“Not right now I can’t.”
“And why can’t you?”
“Why is it so important for you to get rid of me?”
“I thought I’d be alone for awhile.”
“Maybe that’s the problem, you’re spending too much time alone.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you don’t talk to me. You always asked how she was. How everyone was and now…” Gabriel looked at him pointedly.
Josh stood straighter, ignoring the inkling that Gabriel might know what was going on. What he was doing. “I’m trying to deal with it all,” he lied. “Plus I don’t want to be a bother to you. I know you have other things to do with your time besides having me always asking you to go and observe them for me. You went and checked on Avery when I really needed to know how she was. For that I’ll always be grateful.”
And that was the truth, he owed him for that. To know he could trust Gabriel to give him the truth about what was going on at a time when all Josh had felt was extreme panic was something he’d never forget. And maybe, maybe it was wrong not to tell his friend what he was up to. But he needed to do what he was doing, for him, for Avery. Involving Gabriel in any way could mean getting him in trouble somehow for knowing. So by keeping him out of the loop on this one little thing, well, that was justified in his mind somehow.
Chapter 18
Blake took in the silence of the empty house. It was different somehow in a way he really couldn’t explain.
He had a couple hours while Avery was at the doctor’s and then out for lunch. He’d told Alec what he was t
here looking for. No one seemed to have a clue where Josh would have hidden anything.
Setting his empty coffee mug in the kitchen sink, he decided to start upstairs. He didn’t know where else to start. He scratched his neck as he climbed the stairs. They’d cleaned out the second guest room for the nursery. No sign of anything in there. His office downstairs hadn’t pointed to anything either, other than his brother was apparently neater than he’d ever thought. He paused in front of their bedroom. He seriously doubted Josh would hide anything in there when she could come across it so easily. He needed to think like his brother. Three pairs of matching sneakers couldn’t just evaporate into the ether. They were in that house somewhere, and Blake was determined to find them.
“If I were a pile of baby stuff, where would I be?” he asked, trying to decide where to look first. There weren’t that many options—their bedroom, the guest room and the attic. If nothing was there, he was out of luck, but he knew Josh had bought quite a few things. He’d hidden Christmas gifts before, so where could he go?
Josh laughed as he stood in the open doorway, watching his brother stand in the hallway. The look on his face was hilarious as he scratched his neck once more and glanced into the master bedroom as if arguing with himself whether or not Josh would put something in a place so obvious Avery would completely overlook it. “Not there, Blake.”
“Where?” his brother muttered as he took a few steps down the hall toward the nursery. “Your room’s gotta be out. Avery would have found something. Attic, I doubt, too crowded.”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Am not.” Blake stopped and Josh grinned, amazed it seemed like his brother heard him. It seemed like he really had, after all this time, all those conversations that seemed to be one sided. “Damn, I’m losing it.”
Josh followed his brother down the hall. “No, you’re not. You heard me.”
Blake opted to start with the attic, just to make sure. But after forty-five minutes of digging through boxes of Christmas decorations and old clothes, he gave up on the idea that Josh had been up there since the holidays. The layer of dust seemed to agree with him. He brushed his hands off on his jeans and shook his head. If he didn’t find anything downstairs, he’d have to give up. Moving things back where they’d been, he left the attic and took a minute to wash the dust off before going to the other bedroom.
He tossed his cell phone on the bed and looked at the closet. He remembered seeing a couple of Josh’s old suitcases stashed inside when he’d stayed there. He opened the door to the walk-in closet and headed toward them. Blake crouched on the floor and lifted each duffel bag that covered the suitcases. Empty. “Let’s go with the bottom one.”
He pulled the biggest suitcase toward him and tipped it. Felt like there was something inside. He took out the set of keys he’d taken from Josh’s office and fit one in the lock. It gave.
He let out a deep breath and moved the zipper, smiling to himself at what he saw inside. Three shoeboxes stacked neatly on top of each other. “Man, Josh.”
He opened the suitcase all the way and looked at the things packed neatly inside. He had a feeling the other suitcases were filled the same way with shopping bags displaying the names of toy stores and baby stores. It hit him straight through the heart, and a fresh wave of loss washed over him.
Josh took in the contents, tears forming in his eyes as he saw the little runners Blake had taken out of the box. He remembered when he bought them. He’d put them in his palm, laughing at how small they were. He’d had a hard time believing his son’s feet would ever fit in them, they were so tiny.
Blake pulled the shopping bags out of each of the three suitcases, making a semi-circle around him as he peeked inside each. “Sneakers…teddy bear…”
Josh swallowed the lump in his throat, the memories in his mind as fresh as when he’d bought them. Back when he didn’t have a care in the world, when all he’d thought about was surprising her with everything, just to see the look on her face when she saw all he’d done. When all he’d wanted to do was show her just how much he loved her and their baby.
He watched as Blake opened the last bag from the sports store. “The baby jersey.”
Blake pulled out the little jersey, shaking it out to look at his brother’s favorite sports team. He smoothed the wrinkles and turned it over. At the name Collins on the back he broke down. “You were thorough, I’ll give you that.”
“Too thorough,” Josh mumbled, running his fingers over the soft teddy bear peeking out of one of the shopping bags. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand seeing how much you all hurt. It’s my fault. I couldn’t convince them to let me come back, couldn’t convince them to stop all this pain.” He closed his eyes, pushing himself to his feet and causing a wave of dizziness to hit him. “I gotta get out of here.”
The empty nursery was Josh’s refuge.
He needed to get away from watching Blake going through every single thing he’d bought. He remembered buying them all, sneaking them into the house when she was out so she’d never have a clue of what he’d done. What he’d been up to. He’d thought it would be the greatest surprise ever, and now he was scared of seeing her face when she saw it all. Afraid of the fresh waves of grief and loss it might cause.
He rubbed his forehead as he looked around at the work they’d put into the room. Maybe if he’d known, he wouldn’t have bought anything. Let them handle it.
He paused in front of the crib. The soft plush sailboats hung from the mobile, dangling in midair, just waiting for someone to turn it on so they could begin their slow circular trek. It was perfect. The guys were doing such a good job. They’d take care of her and their son, but the thing was, he didn’t want them to. He wondered if they weren’t taking such good care of her if the panel would have seen how devastated she was, how stressful things were without him. How sick she looked all the time.
It was a cruel way to think, to have to imagine her suffering any more than she already was just to get the point across that this wasn’t right, that it wasn’t the way things were meant to go. That somehow, someway, someone had interfered with fate, and they needed to set things right.
Most of all, he wanted to be there to take care of her. She was his, and he was supposed to be with her forever.
He rested his head on the railing of the crib, trying to compose himself and his emotions. He was afraid if he showed too much emotion, somehow Gabriel would pick up on it and find out his secret, of where he’d been going off to every day. He couldn’t deal with that right now, being ripped away from her again when he knew she needed him the most she ever had.
He heard the sound of a car door slam and instinctively knew she was home. It wouldn’t be long before Blake managed to get up enough nerve to show her what he’d found. For that, Josh had to be there. As painful as it would be, he wanted to see her face. He wanted her to take it as a sign about how excited he’d been to finally be a father. To be officially building a life together with her.
***
Blake hesitated the moment she walked in the door. He’d been so sure about this, the timing, everything, that this was something she needed. And now, face to face with her smiling face, color back in her cheeks, he suddenly wondered if he was doing the right thing. For a moment she looked just like any other expectant mother, not the same future sister in law who’d lost her fiancé before the engagement could even become official.
He swallowed the sudden lump of uneasiness in his throat. “Hey.”
“Hi, Blake.” Even her voice seemed different, lighter, with a tinge of hope that he hadn’t heard in forever.
Could he really do this to her? What if it devastated her? Sent her back to where she’d been for so long? Yet he didn’t want to her to come stumbling across everything one day on her own, either. That was the last thing that should happen.
“Hey, B?” She stood in front of him, waving her hand back and forth. “Where did you go?”
“Sorry.” He duck
ed his head sheepishly for a second before looking at her. “Uh, there’s something I want to show you.”
“A surprise?” The corner of her mouth quirked up into the start of a smile. “Really, you guys have to stop spoiling me.”
“I have something to show you.” Blake sounded so serious that Avery’s radar suddenly began going off. What was wrong now? Did something happen? Her mind went racing off in a million different directions, none of them good.
Avery nodded. “Okay.” She wondered what it could be. Something clearly upset him. “Something wrong?” she asked cautiously. The baby kicked strongly, an echoing of her concern.
He shook his head. “No, nothing like that. Come on upstairs.”
She followed him up the stairs, trying to figure out what was going on. If something had happened, he wouldn’t have been so calm. He was nervous, she could see that much, but why?
“Stay here for a minute,” Blake said, leaving her in her bedroom.
“Okay.” She couldn’t figure out what he was up to. She put her purse on the armchair and pulled her hair from its ponytail, shaking it out as she looked around. Alec had dropped her off without coming inside, instead walking her to the door and setting her few meager shopping bags inside. She’d just bought a couple small things for herself, a couple new shirts and a set of pajamas. She thought maybe if she stopped wearing Josh’s shirts to bed for a while, it’d help her sleep a little.
Blake walked in, hands full of shopping bags. She opened her mouth to speak but the look he sent in her direction silenced her immediately.
“What is all that?”
He stood in front of her. “Maybe you need to sit.”
From his voice, she had a feeling he might be right. She sank onto the edge of the bed. “What?”
He shifted the bags in his hand, finally resting them on top of the bed in front of him. “Josh was buying things.”
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