She blinked, trying to comprehend what he meant. Her gaze landed on the store names emblazoned on the bags. Baby stores. Toy stores. Intuition kicked in. She watched in awe as one by one Blake laid everything out on the bed. Sleepers. A teddy bear. A little football jersey. Even a baby basketball and matching hoop. She’d never thought, never had an inkling Josh would ever do something like this. It was so sweet, yet so painful at the same time.
“Oh, boy, he knew didn’t he?” She ran her fingers over the emblem on the jersey.
“Seemed to. Even when Josh told us you were pregnant, he said it was going to be a boy, no doubt about it.”
“Would have laughed if it had been a girl.”
“I think he even had a plan for that.”
“For a girl?”
“She’d be a tomboy.”
She laughed as she picked up the teddy bear, a war of emotions rushing through her. She studied his bright brown eyes and straightened the little satin bow around his neck. “It’s so unfair.”
Blake put his arm around her. “I know, sweetheart.”
“I get so scared without him here. Sometimes I swear I feel him in bed with me, feel his arms around me, and then I roll over and there’s just that empty side of the bed where he used to be. Where he should be.”
“Avery…do you want…” He risked a quick look at her. “Do you want to sell the house?”
Her entire world froze with those words. Selling the house would mean leaving a piece of Josh behind. A big, final goodbye. Moving on to a whole other existence she didn’t think she was ready for.
Josh sat behind her, his hand skimming over her hair. He hated hearing Blake even make the suggestion, let alone thinking it himself. “Aves, don’t sell it. I want you to bring the baby home to this house. I want you and him to sleep in the bed where he was conceived. I want to be able to lie in our bedroom in our bed with the two of you, just watching you sleep. I want to watch you with him in our house.”
She took a deep breath. She swore she heard the soft sound of Josh’s voice close by, so close yet she couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. “Right now, I feel closer to Josh here than I do anywhere. If I left, it would be like leaving us behind, and I’m not ready for that. Not yet.”
Blake nodded his understanding. “I didn’t think you were. I was just…” He looked at her sheepishly. “I didn’t want you to think you were trapped somehow. That’s all.”
She smiled weakly. She was trapped, not in a house though. Trapped in a future she never expected and didn’t have a way out of.
***
Avery put the shopping bags full of the toys and sleepers Josh had bought in the crib. It amazed her to see it all. What he’d done without her even knowing, even suspecting. She bowed her head, reaching inside one of the bags and touching the soft fur of the baby’s first teddy bear. She lifted her head and looked around the nursery carefully, trying to find the perfect spot for him. She pulled the teddy bear from the bag and set him in the far corner of the crib, its dark brown eyes seeming to watch her as she fidgeted with his position, angling him to face the bears from Blake and Alec. She put the sleepers in the dresser drawers and set the little sneakers on top of the dresser, right beside the framed picture of her and Josh. Taking out the little football jersey he’d bought, she held it against her. “He’s going to love this, Josh.”
Josh leaned on the crib. “I hope so,” he whispered, his eyes following her every movement.
She folded the jersey and laid it on top of the sleepers before she turned around. “You’re gone.”
“No.” He was emphatic, but she didn’t hear him. Didn’t know how wrong her words really were. It stung him to think she believed he’d really go away so easily.
She looked at the framed photo and took a deep breath, as if she knew she needed to calm down, that crying so much wasn’t good for the baby. Her fingers lightly traced his face in the photo. “I miss you so much I hurt inside, Josh.”
“Avery—”
“You weren’t supposed to die on me.” She pressed her fingers against her lips, her body starting to tremble. “You weren’t supposed to leave our baby, especially before he was born.”
More than anything at that moment he wanted to wrap his arms around her. He inched closer, stopping right behind her, slowly wrapping his arms around her, letting his eyes close as he imagined the sensation of feeling her against him. The warmth of her skin against him. “Baby, don’t do this. You were being so strong.”
“I can’t…I just…I can’t.” She ran out of the room, the door slamming behind her.
Josh was rooted the spot, unsure what to do. She couldn’t keep herself cocooned in her emotions like this. She needed to let them out once and for all. He closed his eyes, willing himself to go to her. When he opened them again, he was back in their room and she was curled up in the middle of the bed, her giant teddy bear in her arms as she plucked his fur, silent tears streaming down her face. His heart ached, and he wanted to close his eyes, to not have to see her in this much pain. He could feel it inside of him, like a vise in his chest.
“Josh?” Her voice was so soft, he almost had to strain to hear it. For a moment he had a flare of hope she knew he was there with her.
“Yeah?” he replied out of habit. When she didn’t look up, he knew she’d never hear him.
“Why did you leave me, Josh? Didn’t you want to fight?”
“Baby, I fought. You don’t know how much. If I would have known, I never would have left you that morning. Everything just went black, and when I came to, there wasn’t anything I could have done. I was already gone.”
“I don’t want to go on without you.” She hugged the bear tighter against her. “It hurts, like some part of me was ripped away and I…” She took a shaky breath. “It hurts, it feels like forever since you were with me. Since I could look into your eyes and make you smile.”
Josh moved closer, wanting to stay as close to her as possible. There had to be a way to take her sadness away, to ease her pain for just a little while. If only he could find a way to reach her somehow. To make her see she hadn’t lost him completely, that he was still with her. “You still do, sweetheart. Every time I think of you, I smile. I just wish I could make you smile again.”
She reached out for the picture of the two of them on her nightstand. He heard the breath catch in her throat. “How do I go on, Josh? What do I do? The thought of forgetting you, of moving on, terrifies me.” She sniffled as she brought the frame against her chest, hugging it tight as if it were really him. “You lied. You said you were going to be here for everything.” She closed her eyes, pressing her lips together to keep from crying any more. He knew that move well. Knew how much she had to be hurt by all of this.
Josh stretched out beside her on the bed, wishing she was able to see him there. Wishing he had a way to take her pain away. To erase it all like nothing had ever happened.
“I didn’t lie, sweetheart. I swear baby, I didn’t. I’m here. I’m going to be here from now on. The powers that be can deal with it. I’m not putting you through anything like that again. I hate knowing how scared you must have been. How much you needed me, and I wasn’t, I couldn’t be here with you.”
A tear slid down her cheek and he reached out to brush it away. It had to be his imagination that he could feel it beneath his thumb. Feel her hot breath on his hand as she took a shaky breath. “There’s these times when I wonder if you didn’t die, what we’d be doing.”
“I do that, too, every day,” he admitted as he moved closer to her. When they were so close, he could pretend they were touching. Trick himself into believing he felt her warmth against him. Remember what it felt like when she brushed against him. “I want you to see me so bad. I want to hold you like I did that night, but I can’t risk draining myself again. Not until after we have our son home. Not until he’s safe here with you.”
She winced as the tears slid down her face and she wiped them away hastily. “Jo
sh…”
“Baby, don’t.” The pain swept through him again, along with the most helpless feeling in the world. “Avery…”
She looked down at her engagement ring. “I can’t…I can’t do this.”
“You can. Baby, believe me you can. You’re going to get through this.”
“I don’t want to get through this without you.”
Josh lifted his gaze from her hand. She’d answered him? It sure sounded like she had. “Baby, can you hear me?”
She nodded slowly. “I swear, hearing your voice is a definite sign I’m losing it.”
“You’re not crazy.”
“Sure, I’m not.”
“You are far from crazy. Remember, I’m the one who was going to be crazy till we were old and gray.”
“I just wanted you here when we were old and gray.”
“Avery…” His voice broke.
“How do I do this, Josh? I’m so scared all the time. And when he’s born—”
“When he’s born, I’m going to be so proud of you.”
“Why didn’t you stay home, Josh? Why did you have to go that morning?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart, I don’t know.” He wiped his tears away, wishing he could take hers away as easily. To keep her from ever crying another single tear. “I never wanted to leave you two alone. You’re my world.” He bowed his head. “I put that ring on your finger. I came back to you once. I swear I will again.”
She shook her head. “I’m delusional, hearing your voice, holding a conversation with a dead man…” She sighed. “These hormones are horrible.”
There had to be a way to show her. Josh racked his mind to find something she couldn’t ignore, something that would be unmistakable to prove that he was there, that he was still with her and wasn’t going anywhere. “I’m going to show you I’m still around you. I promise you.”
Gabriel stood invisible in the doorway. He shook his head at the scene in front of him, the two curled up on top of the bed. One seemingly completely unaware of the presence of the other, and what it was no doubt going to cost him to be there. Didn’t Josh understand the repercussions of his actions? The panel would have a field day with him if they found out. When they found out.
Even if Gabriel never once dared to open his mouth, they’d know. They had eyes everywhere. They could pop up unannounced at any time to check in on Josh, and then what would his friend do? Most likely lose himself in the rage he carried inside, one that was easy to understand, but wouldn’t help him in the fight he was in. The panel didn’t want to see that, see his uncontrolled side. They wanted to see change, they wanted to see acceptance.
Chapter 19
Josh worked late into the night, his sketching almost frantic, his pencils practically flying over the paper. The last several nights when he knew she’d be asleep, he’d snuck away from Gabriel and come home, spending the entire night just sketching away. The idea hit him when he’d been watching her sleep, and he’d noticed his collection of sketchbooks still piled in the bookshelf. It was the perfect idea. Subtle. Something she could find in her own time and know he was there.
Taylor set her shopping bags down and started to rub the circulation back into her hands as Avery walked into the room behind her, another handful of bags in each hand. At least she looked happier. There was color in her face. The paleness was gone, even if it was hidden beneath her artfully applied make-up. Getting lost in an afternoon of baby necessities had brought the desired effect. Avery seemed to have relaxed a little. She’d even seemed to enjoy lunch at the little café, sharing a piece of chocolate cake and laughing at some stupid joke.
Avery set her bags down beside Taylor’s on the bed, looking at the collection of various bags, each holding something that would put the finishing touches on the nursery. “You’re turning into a shopaholic,” Taylor teased with a smile as a couple of the bags toppled over on the mattress.
Avery shook her head, the corners of her mouth lifted ever so slightly into a hint of a smile. “It’s for the nursery. When I spot something I know Josh would have picked, I buy it.”
That was true. Every item had been carefully scrutinized before purchased, as if she were trying to match it up to some image in her mind before she bought it. Taylor had let her do whatever she wanted, spend an hour picking out stuffed animals or going through a rack of baby sleepers, anything to keep her out of the prison that her house had become. She understood the need to be close to Josh, that’s what this house was, what this room was, but Taylor knew it couldn’t be healthy, for her or for the baby. The constant sadness was talking its toll on her.
“This kid is going to have about fifty different jerseys before his second birthday at that rate.” Taylor laughed and went to the armchair to take a seat. An afternoon roaming around had tired her out. She fell back in the chair with a contented sigh until something jabbed into her back. “Ouch.” She jumped forward and turned around, noticing for the first time Josh’s sketchbook tucked down the side between the cushion and side of the chair. The coil of the book had hit her. She picked it up. “Avery?”
“Hmm?” She wasn’t looking at her, too busy taking a few baby toys from the bags, setting them on the bed. “Did you get the bag with the sleepers?”
“I think so.” Taylor opened the sketchbook and gasped at the picture facing her. She knew Josh sketched and sketched well, but the image staring back at her was so real, so lifelike she felt like she was staring at a photograph. A very recent photograph.
She raised her eyes from the paper to see Avery refolding a sleeper. She looked almost identical to the sketch. But that wasn’t possible. This was now, and Josh had been gone for months and she hadn’t even been showing then. “Avery, uhm,” she stammered, trying to find a way to say the words. It didn’t make sense, her rational mind couldn’t make sense of it.
Avery looked up at the change in her best friend’s voice. She seemed unnerved, scared almost. She was perched on the edge of the armchair, Josh’s sketchbook in her shaking hand. Avery looked at it, confused for a moment. She knew that sketchbook well. It was the last one Josh had bought a few months before. His others were stashed in the bookshelf somewhere, filled with a mix of cartoon figures and whatever else came to him. His mind amazed her at times. “Taylor?”
But her friend stayed silent and flipped another page, shooting another look at her before staring at what was on the page.
Avery frowned, wondering what had her attention. She knew there weren’t that many filled pages in there. “Where did you get that?” She took a step closer to her, the baby items temporarily forgotten. For a moment she was suddenly protective of anything that was Josh’s. She didn’t want someone else looking at his sketches, at his innermost thoughts that expressed himself on paper.
Taylor looked up again, her eyes wide in surprise. “It was on the chair when I sat down. It literally jabbed me.” She held the book out to her. “Did you see the drawings?”
Avery took the book from her, feeling relief once it was in her own hands. Of course she’d seen the drawings. She’d been outside with him when Josh had gotten into his cartoon mood. She sat on the edge of the bed, her gaze falling on the image staring up at her. Not the cartoon figure she’d expected at all. It was her, sound asleep in their bed.
Her throat threatened to close up as she studied the lines, the intricate shading. Something about it felt wrong, funny. She blinked, thinking it had to be her tired eyes playing tricks on her. Just because she looked pregnant in that sketch didn’t mean anything. Josh had always had a vivid imagination. He’d probably had insomnia one night and hadn’t wanted to disturb her, so he’d grabbed his sketchbook and decided to draw. Nothing more to it than that.
The mattress beside her went down, and from the corner of her eye she saw Taylor sitting there, leaning closer, her gaze locked on the sketch. Her friend was suddenly a little paler than she’d been moments ago. Avery dismissed the thought and studied the picture closer. He must have spent
hours on it. It was so detailed, every stroke placed perfectly on the page.
“I don’t know when he would have done those. You’re as pregnant in the sketches as you are now,” Taylor said, vocalizing Avery’s own thoughts.
Avery flipped the page. Another sketch of her asleep, this time just a close up of her face, her hair fanned across his pillow, her hand tucked beneath. She bit her lip, a sudden wave of apprehension washing over her. This wasn’t right. Somehow this didn’t add up. She had the feeling she should keep going through the sketchbook.
She flipped the page and found another sketch. Just as detailed, just as unseen.
“Avery?” Taylor’s voice was worried.
Avery quickly flipped the pages, again and again, scanning every one. A different pose, a different angle, but all as beautifully detailed and intricate as the first. The last one was one of her sitting and staring off into the distance, the sadness on her face so real it made her heart ache just seeing it.
She quickly closed the book and set it behind them, far enough that it was out of her friend’s reach. “Maybe he had a good imagination,” she lied, her heart racing. “Where was it?”
“Over there on the chair.”
The chair looked the same as it always had. Right beside the lamp, positioned to face the bed, it had been one of her favorite spots to curl up and read. It would be the perfect place for Josh to sit and sketch. She studied the nightstand, trying to see what was there that shouldn’t be. Tucked behind a framed photograph, barely visible, was the tip of one of Josh’s pencils. She took a slow, deep breath. It was real. The sketches were real, not the product of his overactive imagination or a daydream. He was really around.
“Are you okay?” Taylor’s voice was soft and concerned.
Avery nodded, blinking back the stinging of tears that were all too familiar. “Fine.” She just needed to ignore that at the moment. Ignore what was all too obvious. That he’d found a way to give her a sign. She wished she’d been alone when she’d found them, and not had her best friend there beside her, no doubt worried she was about to have a major meltdown in front of her. “I’m fine, Taylor.”
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