She brushed back a loose strand of hair that kept falling in her eyes. Time for a haircut, her inner voice chided, another one of the seemingly million things to do. Doctor’s appointments. Feigning interest in her friends. It was all getting to be too much. Shouldn’t they all be close to leaving her alone? She’d be fine if they would. She knew their numbers. She’d text if she needed something. All she truly wanted was sleep, to lie in bed and wait for some sort of sign he was really there. For a new sketch to appear. To have that chill dance over her skin, the sensation that made her think he was right there with her.
Those were the little things that somehow kept her sane. Made her think that somehow, in some crazy way, things were okay. Josh, somehow, was still there, still with her. She wasn’t as alone as she appeared. That he was truly still with her.
Gabriel watched from the corner of the room. He hadn’t meant to stop by. Hadn’t even thought of checking in on her at all. Josh was a handful on his own to deal with, but the woman he saw sleeping in that bed worried him. He moved to the chair and sat down, noticing Josh’s pencils lying haphazardly on the table. Part of him wanted to tell Josh all he was doing was making it harder on each of them, prolonging the agony of saying goodbye. In time the pain would ease. He’d be able to handle seeing her again, the pain wouldn’t be so fresh. And she could maybe have a small semblance of peace and allow herself the option of moving on in time instead of clinging so tightly to the memories of what was. To Josh’s spirit, the energy that seemed so alive in that room.
Gabriel sat there for a few hours in the dark. Silent. Observing. Feeling the pain that radiated off her until tears filled his own eyes at her loss. So immense, so fresh, so real, it would kill a person eventually. It was that strong. He wiped his tears away and rubbed his hands on his legs. Something inside of him had changed, something small.
***
She sat on the couch, the stack of baby naming books at her side. She and Alec had bought enough baby books on their excursion that morning to rival the three bookstores they had stopped at. She rested her feet on the edge of the coffee table and picked up the first book. She flipped through the first few pages till it got to the boys’ names. “Do we go by meanings or what sounds good with Collins?”
Alec set down the two bowls of ice cream he’d just brought in on the table before taking a seat beside her. He reached for a book to search through himself. “Eventually it’s going to have to sound good with Collins, no matter what you pick.”
“True.” She looked at the ice cream in front of her. “What are you doing?”
“Thought ice cream was a good idea.”
She smiled as she closed her book. “I like your idea.”
“You just want a distraction, don’t you?”
She laughed as she reached for her ice cream. “This is more complicated than I thought it would be. A name is more important than randomly picking something out of a book. It’s something he’ll have to live with for the rest of his life.”
“I get it.”
She managed a smile as she swirled her spoon through her ice cream. “I just…I wish I knew the name already somehow. That Josh had picked one and scribbled it in one of his old sketchbooks somewhere or said something to one of you guys, but it’s like he never even gave it a thought.”
“And now it’s left to you.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.” She had a couple spoonfuls of ice cream. The coldness helped her relax as she enjoyed the sweetness of the chocolate. All she knew was the baby wasn’t going to be a junior. That would be too much to handle. For her and for the baby. To have to go around carrying Josh’s name when it was quite likely he’d be just like him would be too much to bear.
The baby needed a name of his own, a chance for his own identity, and for that, he was dependant on her. She needed to think of him, to put Josh completely aside and do this on her own. “I need to make a list, at least narrow it down to a handful. With everyone asking all the time, I feel like I’m some horrible mother-to-be who hasn’t got a clue what his name is going to be. I don’t want to go to the hospital and be forced to pick a name out of thin air. That’s not fair.”
Alec looked at her, understanding mixed with amusement in his eyes. “Do you at least have a letter of the alphabet you like?”
“No.” She laughed, holding the bowl of ice cream closer to her. She could feel Alec’s scrutinizing look as he ate his own ice cream. “What do you think? I mean what would sound good with Collins?”
“You’re asking me?”
“I’m open to suggestions as this point.”
Alec played with his spoon. “I don’t know. Can’t say I’ve ever really thought about names before.”
“See?” she said.
“So we’ll spend the afternoon going through the books. You pitch me a name, I’ll pitch you a name, we’ll see what sticks. How’s that sound?”
A lot better than slogging through it alone. She smiled at him. “Good, might as well start with the As. Maybe we can find something I like before he’s old enough to drive his first car.”
Alec laughed. “Don’t worry, by tonight this little one will be named.”
Chapter 22
Josh had the sketchbook Gabriel had given him propped on his legs as he sketched absently while he sat on the beach, the sun rising behind him, not concentrating on what he was doing, the pencil moving quickly across the paper. His thoughts were where they always tended to drift lately, Avery and the baby. He’d been afraid to sneak down and see her since the day he’d actually held her. It tore him up inside to be away from her for so long, but he didn’t understand what that meant, that he could suddenly touch her and she’d feel it. He didn’t want to scare her somehow. He smudged one of the lines he’d drawn and studied his work. Her face stared back at him. He darkened a few lines before he set the book beside him on the warm sand and closed his eyes, thinking back.
He’d decided to go with her to that very first doctor’s appointment, the one to confirm whether or not her suspicions were correct. It was uncomfortable being the only male in the doctor’s waiting room, being smiled at by every woman who walked in. He could still see the surprise on the nurse’s face when she walked out and found him there by himself for the first time. He’d tried to keep from squirming around anxiously in the chair every time he heard a door open and close in the distance. He wondered just how long it took to come back with test results anyway. They’d called and said they were in, so it didn’t take all that long to tell her yes or no, did it? He kept stretching his legs out ahead of him then bringing them back, not wanting to trip anyone as they were called for their appointment. He’d been there at least an hour waiting, jumping at every noise. He’d been sure the nurse was about to give him something for his nerves when he felt someone nudge his foot. He scooted his feet back, letting whoever it was pass by on their way to their appointment.
“Good quiz in Cosmo?” Avery’s voice came from behind the glossy pages.
He lifted his gaze in record time. “Who cares?” He tossed the magazine on the empty chair beside him.
She read the cover. “Rating your lover in twelve easy questions.”
“Avery?”
“What?” She’d been reaching for the magazine.
“I want to know.”
“I haven’t taken the quiz yet.” She giggled as he batted her hand away. “You’re absolutely crazy.”
He glanced around the almost deserted waiting room before he pulled her down to sit on his lap. “I want to know if we’re going to have a baby.” His arm wrapped around her waist, his fingers sliding beneath the back of her shirt, rubbing the soft skin at the small of her back. “I need to know.”
“You need to know, huh?”
His eyes locked on hers. “Come on, Aves. Am I going to be a daddy?”
She took one of his hands and moved it around, resting it on her abdomen. She bit her lip for a moment before breaking out into the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen
. “I think Daddy’s crazy, don’t you, baby?”
Josh’s jaw dropped, his mind going absolutely blank as he tried to comprehend her words. She was kidding, she wasn’t kidding. She didn’t look like she was kidding. That smile on her face, the way her eyes were shining as she waited for his reaction. “Oh my…oh my God…”
“So I guess I was right.”
“Let’s take you home,” he said suddenly, his hand tightening over hers.
“Why?”
He leaned in close to her. “Because I want to talk to the baby and then I want to make love to his beautiful mommy.” He stared into her eyes. “All right with you?”
She blushed as she slid off his lap. “More than all right with me.”
Josh set his pencil down, his fingers smudging the lines he’d just added, creating a better shadow, but he saw nothing through the tears in his eyes. That one memory, that one moment etched in his mind for all time.
Chapter 23
Gabriel had been trying to keep Josh’s mind occupied, trying to keep him from dwelling on the negative side of things for too long. They’d watched the sunrise off the coast of Australia that morning and not even a hint of a smile had crossed Josh’s face. The pain still radiated off his friend as fresh it had the day they’d met. He’d brought him to an empty outdoor patio, hoping that something would get him talking, but so far, there’d been nothing. Just a lasting quiet that was putting him on edge.
“How is she?” Gabriel was growing worried about Josh’s silence. It was too long, too deep. The sadness was clear in his eyes. In his movements. The fact that he was disobeying orders wasn’t what worried him. It was that he wasn’t taking care of himself, draining all his energy by sneaking visits and his worrying. Ironically it seemed he was the mirror image of Avery at the start of all of this, that recklessness that couldn’t be helped. That complete disregard.
He still didn’t understand that his feelings and thoughts all took energy, and the more negative, the more energy they took.
“She’s hurting.” Josh closed his eyes for a minute, biting his bottom lip before he shook his head and once again opened his eyes. It was like he was trying to dismiss a thought. “I worry about her.”
“You always have.”
“I always will.” Josh’s voice took on an angry tone. He sat down on the patio. “It’s just that I’m realizing I’ve truly lost her, Gabriel. I’ve lost her forever. Every plan I ever had for the two of us, they’ll never happen. Did they ever have a chance?” His voice was so serious as he rubbed his fingers on the tabletop as if trying to get out an imaginary mark that scarred the surface.
“They did.”
“Then why did I die? Why was I even driving right then? Why didn’t something step in and stop it?”
Gabriel studied Josh for a moment. Finally Josh lifted his gaze and met his own. “You had a small premonition, didn’t you?”
Josh frowned at his words. He forced his mind to think back, running over the events for what felt like the millionth time. He’d been through everything from the sound of the radio clicking on to the shower he’d taken to the fact that he hadn’t nicked himself shaving that morning considering he’d been in such a hurry. He did have a funny feeling when he was carrying the duffel bag to the door that morning, getting ready to leave, but he’d attributed that to leaving Avery alone for a few days. The first time he’d done that since they found out she was pregnant. And his thought to pull off the road if the weather got worse, well, that was just smart thinking wasn’t it? Something he unfortunately hadn’t been guilty of that day. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t exactly listen to it.” A wave of sadness washed over Gabriel’s face. “There were inklings.”
“An inkling? That was my warning?” Josh spun on his heel and started to walk the length of the patio. “Some weird little feeling was supposed to be my big warning sign that, hey, if I go right now I’m going to die? You’re kidding me, right? This is some kind of cruel prank.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
This wasn’t possible. It was complete and utter bullshit if that was the case.
“Calm down,” Gabriel admonished, and Josh wondered if he could read his thoughts or if he’d spoken that last bit out loud.
Josh turned. “So now my dying is my fault. The hell it is.” He started to walk away but spun back around. “You know how much I want to go home. That’s all I want.” His shoulders shook with the emotion that he tried to keep back. It was like a tidal wave threatening to engulf him at any moment. “I want to be there with everyone. Do you know the most important days of my life aren’t ever going to happen? I’m never marrying Avery. I won’t be there with her for the birth of our son. I’ll never hold him.” His eyes narrowed as he took in Gabriel’s solemn expression. “I can’t believe any of this. You’re trying to tell me I knew? How could I have known anything and still gone? I wouldn’t have.”
“You’re not supposed to understand.”
Were those words meant to help? To soothe somehow? Erase the guilt that Josh felt every moment since he’d found out where he was and that he wasn’t going back? Josh tilted his head back, wishing his friend would simply leave him alone for a while. “Good, because I damn well don’t. Not now, not ever.”
***
Avery moved listlessly around Alec’s living room. Restless wasn’t even the word to describe her. Even a change of scenery hadn’t done anything to help settle her nerves. She felt ready to jump out of her skin, and she still didn’t understand why. She could feel Alec’s eyes on her as she walked around the room for what had to have been the third or fourth time. The first two she could have easily passed off as checking out the new painting on the wall or looking out the window. It was the other ones she couldn’t.
The sounds of the football game on the television stopped. “You okay over there, sweetheart?”
She nodded, suddenly embarrassed. She didn’t deserve all the attention and worry everyone had given her the last several months. “Fine, sorry.” She motioned to the television mounted on the wall and its frozen image. “I thought you wanted to watch the game.”
“Don’t worry about it. I can watch it later.”
“Still…” She cast a glance at the screen, at the football game frozen mid-play.
“Seriously, there are more important things in life. Now come on, talk to me.”
She looked at his expressive dark eyes filled with concern. She hated thinking she was making things harder on everyone else. It wasn’t right. She sighed as he patted the couch beside him. Obviously her pacing was worrying him. “It’s just…I don’t know. Just tired, I guess. Sleep isn’t happening much right now.” After what seemed like at least a month of actual restful sleep, her sleeplessness had returned. She was lucky to get two hours at a time. It seemed the baby sensed her unease, kicking her awake at random hours of the night, making it impossible for her to get any real sleep.
She figured she’d better prepare herself for that anyway. Once he was born, she doubted she’d sleep through an entire night again for a very, very long time.
“You want to crash upstairs? I’ve heard rumors my bed is pretty damn comfy.”
She laughed which made him smile. “Are you trying to get me upstairs?”
He smirked. “I think I am. You go sleep for a couple hours, then I’ll make us some dinner and we can watch some movies.”
“Do I look that tired?”
“A little.” He got to his feet and held out his hand to her. “Come on, Avery, a little nap might do you some good. I’ve got pajamas just waiting for you.”
“You’re making it hard to resist.”
“Good, then I’m succeeding.”
She followed him slowly up the stairs. The house was quiet. A different quiet than what she was used to. At home the quiet became uncomfortable, like she was always waiting for something to shatter it, a sound, a something that wouldn’t ever come.
Alec walked into his room and headed stra
ight for the dresser across from the large king sized bed with the dark green comforter. He pulled a pair of dark blue pajama bottoms out and a simple matching t-shirt. “Do these work?”
“Perfect. Thanks.” She didn’t know what to say. She hated feeling like an imposition, someone that required constant supervision, but maybe she did. Things just didn’t seem right, like everything was on its own weird course since Josh had died. There was no way to explain it, but things felt odd.
He held the clothes out to her. “Go ahead and change in the bathroom. I’ll get the bed ready for you and close the blinds so you can sleep.”
She kissed his cheek as she took the clothes from him. “Thank you. For everything.”
He nodded. “Always, sweetheart. Now go change and we’ll see about getting you some real sleep.”
Alec watched his bathroom door close with a soft click, and he sighed to himself, rubbing the back of his neck. He closed the blinds, shutting out the bright midday sun trying to force its way into the room. He pulled the comforter back, glad he’d changed the sheets that morning. It might do her good to get away from home for a while, to be in a new environment, one that didn’t have that baggage attached to it. He unplugged the phone from the wall beside the bed to keep the room interruption free and took a survey around, wanting to remove anything remotely connected to Josh before it had a chance to upset her.
His gaze locked on a photo on the dresser, Josh’s smiling face beaming back at him, Avery crushed against his side while Alec stood on the other side of her. A friend’s wedding the summer before. They’d all teased each other about who in the circle would be the next one to get hitched. The odds had favored Josh at the time.
He heard the water running in the bathroom, and he quickly moved over, swiping the photograph off the dresser and setting it in the bottom of a dresser drawer, moving a pile of tshirts over the top just to be extra sure.
The door opened and she peeked out anxiously. His heart skipped a beat at the meek expression on her face. She was the poster child for a lost little girl.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 24