“Okay.” She didn’t sound convinced. “What do you say I take all this stuff to the nursery, and we find a new home for it?” She got up and patted Avery’s leg. “Meet me in there in a few?”
“Great.”
She watched Taylor put things back into the bags and leave the room. She let out a deep breath and glanced behind her at the sketchbook on the bed. She reached out, touching the cool cover. For a moment it all felt so surreal that he’d somehow managed to touch that book, that he’d been able to put those images on paper.
She turned and leaned against the headboard, pulling the book toward her.
She was crazy.
Delusional maybe.
That was the only explanation she had that seemed to make any sense whatsoever, but a dead man didn’t sketch. He also didn’t put engagement rings on fingers or light candles, but somehow he’d managed to do both. Yet the real proof of everything sat in front of her on that sketchpad. Her likeness done in pencil, his signature scribbled on the bottom corner. The barely visible I love you beneath. She knew it was a recent sketch. She’d spent hours flipping through those pages. The last thing he’d been working on was a sketch of some hockey player. The card he was basing the sketch on was still paper clipped to that page.
“How is this possible?” She laughed at herself. How stupid to even ask that question. It wasn’t like he was about to appear in front of her with the answer. Maybe some things she was better off not knowing anyway. If only she could really convince herself of that.
She opened the book back to the very last sketch, wanting to touch the lines he’d put there yet so afraid of damaging the work he’d done. Instead she let her finger graze lightly over the words at the bottom.
“I love you, too.”
***
Avery put the thought of this is crazy completely out of her mind as she opened the shopping bag from the art store. She’d gone out after Taylor left and picked up a couple sketchbooks and a new set of pencils. She set the sketchbooks on the chair, leaving the new set of pencils where he usually kept them. “Don’t want you to run out of paper when you need it,” she said quietly before she turned the lights off. She set the empty shopping bag beside the chair then climbed into bed, wondering if Josh was there and she just couldn’t see him. “Good night, Josh, I love you.”
Josh didn’t notice the sketchbook as he picked it up and sat down in the chair. He didn’t think he had long that night. He reached over and picked up one of his pencils from the nightstand. His gaze rested on the cover of his sketchpad, surprised to realize it was a new one. It took only a second to realize what that meant.
A smile crept onto his face as he glanced toward the woman asleep in the bed. “You found them.” He set the sketchbook down and slid forward on the edge of the chair. “Did you like them? Wish I could have seen your face when you found the sketchbook.”
He moved to his side, surprised to find a picture of the two of them lying on his pillow. Her favorite shot of the two of them. He picked it up carefully, studying the two smiling faces. He had his least favorite pair of sunglasses on in that pic. “Your favorite picture. I never understood why you thought I was so cute in those damn glasses. You were the only one I could stand calling me cute, you know.” He set the photo back down on the pillow. “Course, I let you do anything, didn’t I?” He studied her sleeping figure, her breathing even and relaxed. Sound asleep for once. He was even more convinced that somehow she could sense his presence, and that he was the reason behind her finally sleeping through the night again. “I only wish we’d had more time together, sweetheart. Time to do all those crazy thoughts you had.” He’d asked her once if she could go anywhere in the world, where would she want to go. There’d been no hesitation as she’d listed half a dozen places, describing places she’d dreamed of ever since she was a little girl. At the time he’d thought he’d take her to each and every one someday. Now he wished he’d had the chance to take her to just one.
Picking up the photograph of the two of them again, he reached over and grabbed his sketchbook, already knowing his inspiration for his next sketch.
Chapter 20
Josh had kept to his routine every night for nearly a month. He was slowly filling the sketchbook. His sketching grew better, more detailed by the day. He’d slowly learned to block his mind around Gabriel, letting the man think that while he was off taking care of other business, Josh was dutifully trying to move on with his life by travelling, walking long stretches of beaches somewhere, tuning in to his real true self or whatever it was they wanted him to do.
He heard the shower shut off in the distance and quickly set the sketchbook down where he’d been leaving it the last few times, tucked in the corner against the side of the armchair.
He wondered how often she looked at it. It was always in the same spot when he arrived. Maybe she didn’t look at it at all, maybe it was too hard to go through, a sign that he was around, but unable to really communicate with her. It was why he signed all the sketches with I love you knowing that was the only way for her to somehow get the message.
He set his pencil down as the bathroom door creaked open and she walked back into the room in her towel, her damp hair piled on her head with one of her big old plastic clips. He couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face as he watched her dig through the dresser, pulling out a pair of his lounge pants and one of her tshirts to throw on.
“You have no idea how much I love seeing you,” he whispered as she sat on the bed across from him. She pulled the clip from her hair and brushed her fingers through it a few times before twisting it back up and using the clip to secure it in place.
There was no sign on her face that she heard him or even sensed he was there. “I mean it, I miss you so much when I’m away from you.”
A gentle rush of coolness drifted toward her as Avery pulled the t-shirt over her head. The pair of Josh’s sweats she’d grabbed from the dresser lay in front of her on the bed, but suddenly she didn’t feel like wearing them and nudged them further away. She reached over and pulled a pair of old pajama shorts from one of the drawers and slid them on, glad they had the elasticized waist. They fit a little more snugly that she was used to. A strand of hair came loose as she got to her feet, and she tucked it back behind her ear. “Not much to do today,” she said as she surveyed the room. Everything of Josh’s was still where it was the morning he left. It was going to stay there for a while as far as she was concerned. Her shoulders fell slightly. “What do you say to just spending the day sleeping?” she asked, rubbing her hand over the baby. She didn’t feel like doing much. If she was able to sleep, maybe she’d be energized enough later to try and tackle something, like clean the closet or do some laundry. She just didn’t feel much in the doing mood lately. The later in her pregnancy she got, the more her energy seemed to drain.
Josh smiled at her words as he stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. “A day for just the three of us.”
She stepped forward, away from his hands. She grabbed the towel and Josh’s sweats then dropped the towel in the laundry hamper and put the sweats back in the dresser drawer. “You know, if Daddy were here, he’d love this.”
“I do love this.” He watched as she closed the blinds, keeping the room dark before she headed back to bed.
She got settled easily, repositioning the pillows around her like a fortress, and pulled the blankets up high. She rolled over and faced Josh’s side of the bed. Her bottom lip trembled for a moment before she bit down to stop the movement. “I miss him right now.”
Josh climbed in his side of the bed, facing her. He moved closer so they were just inches apart. “I miss you, too, sweetheart. Miss you a whole lot.”
Her gaze drifted to his pillow. “I’m going to have to tell him all about you, Josh.”
“I know.”
“Never wanted to do that. I wanted him to know you because you were here, because you were his daddy. Not the man on the videos who I say is his daddy.
Not a face staring back from dozens of photos and the guy everyone tells him stories about.”
Josh bowed his head. “I know, baby.” He chewed his lip, trying to come up with something to say, wishing there was a way for her to hear him. “But he’s going to be okay. He has you. He’ll have everything because he has you.”
Chapter 21
The room was dark when Josh finally climbed out of bed. He’d stayed longer than he’d originally meant to, but she’d needed him. There was no question about that. The worst thing was realizing how much pain she was still in. No matter what he did, he couldn’t ease it. He fell onto his chair and stared longingly where she lay sleeping. She was his entire world for so long, and now he had no clue what to do for her.
He was restless and decided to get out of there for a while. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Be back soon, sweetheart. Get some sleep for me, okay?”
***
Josh walked barefoot in the sand, watching the waves crashing the shore close to him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to never leaving a footprint, to not feeling the water swarm his ankles then retreat back to the ocean. He had the sense of someone beside him, a gentle breeze that ruffled his hair, but he didn’t bother looking over. He knew Gabriel would say something when he felt the time was right. They walked in companionable silence for a while. He’d lost track of how many beaches he’d seen. They were all alike to him. Sand and water, water and sand. None brought him the same peace the one at home had. It was like his residual happiness was still there, something he could connect to no matter how long he’d been away. He could almost reach out and touch the memories, stepping right back into them. The time he’d almost lost the anchor on the boat. Or when he’d first let Avery drive the boat.
“Deep in thought?” Gabriel finally spoke up.
Josh jumped. “Scared me, Gabriel.”
“Sorry. I thought you knew I was here with you.”
“I did. I just…was lost in my thoughts. Didn’t expect to hear you speak.” He stopped, his back to the water. Gabriel looked sheepish.
“You look lost,” Gabriel commented.
“Must be the same expression Avery wears then, huh?” Josh couldn’t help himself from saying it. The words were from his heart.
“Probably.”
“I’d say more than probably. Highly likely.” Josh kicked at the sand at his feet as he spoke. With enough focus he was able to get it to fly through the air for a few short seconds before each speck dropped back down to the earth. Sometimes he felt as scattered as those shards of rock.
“I have a feeling there’s something you’d like to get off your chest.” Gabriel sneaked a glance toward him as they began walking again.
“Like what?”
“Oh, I don’t know, what you’ve really been up to the last while when you aren’t with me?”
Josh stopped in his tracks, watching as Gabriel continued on ahead, his hands in his pockets. “You know?” Josh asked, dumbstruck. He should have known he would, that this wasn’t something he could sneak past him for long.
Gabriel chuckled as he finally stopped and turned back around. “I watch over you, Josh, whether you know it or not. Sometimes you don’t always know when I’m there.”
“So you know?”
“That you’ve been sneaking away to be with her? Yes.”
Josh stared at him wide eyed. “If you know, then the panel—”
“The panel rarely keeps close tabs on anyone who isn’t before them for one reason or another. They expect someone in my place to give them periodic reports. Unfortunately, I’ve been rather forgetful in that department.” A reassuring smile crossed his face.
“I’m sorry G, I just…” He trailed off, trying to figure out a way to explain his behavior, to have some rational explanation that his friend would understand. It seemed no one understood what he felt or why he was so attached to those he left behind. They didn’t understand the depth of his love or the way he cared, so deeply, so much, that even now, being there on the other side of the world while she slept, he could still feel their connection, feel that ache in her heart that mirrored his own.
“It’s understandable. I’d probably do the same if I was in your position.”
Josh kicked at the sand again. “I was so scared when she almost lost him, I just wanted her to know that I was still with her, that I still loved her. It was all I could think of.” All he could still think of. It consumed him at times. All he wanted to do was prove it to her somehow, to ease her pain. To somehow make things right.
“That must have reassured her.”
“Hope so.” Josh wanted to believe that she’d felt him. A part of his heart knew she had. That it wasn’t just wishful thinking on his part. She’d known he was there, had felt his touch. Had heard him even. He bit his bottom lip, wondering how that was even possible when everything he’d seen before had proved it shouldn’t be. That the wall between them that separated them shouldn’t have allowed it.
Gabriel took a seat on the sand and motioned for Josh to join him. “Speak.”
He had to know Josh was holding something back. Josh frowned as he sat down near him. He didn’t want to share, wanted to keep something just between him and Avery, but this, this was too important, something that would keep him wondering about things for too long. Maybe Gabriel would know the answer to his questions. Maybe it was normal after so long that she’d hear him. “She heard my voice.”
Gabriel tensed, his gaze locked on Josh’s. “How?”
“I’m not sure, but we talked. We had a conversation, G. She’s so scared, she won’t admit it to anyone.”
Gabriel stayed silent, and Josh wondered if he should not have told him the truth. Maybe he was better off keeping it to himself. Finally Gabriel glanced toward him. “Does she feel better when you’re around?”
Josh shrugged. He knew in his heart she did. He saw the little signs that things were easier. The shakiness in her hands was gone. She even seemed to breathe easier. She slept. “I think so.”
Gabriel nodded. He dragged his fingers through the sand. “You know rules are in place for a reason, Josh.”
“I know.” For a moment a brief rush of fear hit him, that Gabriel was going to do something to keep him from going back to her, that he was about to take him before the panel and admit what Josh had really been up to the last while.
“You need to be careful. Going there, visiting her so much, can be a drain on your energy. You need to be aware of that.”
Josh nodded eagerly. “Right.” As much as he didn’t want to admit it, to Gabriel or even moreso himself, he could feel the toll the sketching was taking on him. Every night seemed to take just a little more concentration, a little more energy to do what he had the night before. He’d tried passing it off as the fact he’d been getting more detailed in the sketches, but maybe that wasn’t it at all.
“The beach is a good idea, you can relax, lose yourself for a while. Pick up energy from the waves. It’s a place of healing, too.” Gabriel looked out at the water. “Maybe that’s where Avery needs to go, to the beach for a while, a place to reconnect to herself and heal.”
Gabriel hated the pain that was etched so clearly on Josh’s face. The sadness in his eyes, the blue that had been so calm the first time they’d met was now darker, fiercer. “What is it?” He had an inkling, but he hadn’t wanted to intrude into Josh’s thoughts. Though he had the ability, there were some lines that Gabriel refused to cross. He knew it had something to do with where Josh’s heart was.
He was well aware where Josh had been going and should have probably admonished him earlier, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, to intrude on the few rare moments Josh had with those he loved.
It hurt Gabriel to see what was happening without Josh’s presence in his loved ones’ lives, something that had never happened before. He usually had a bit of a detachment from his protégés, but there was something different about Josh. The detachment wasn’t there th
is time.
Josh shrugged, an attempt to dismiss him. “Nothing really.”
“You snuck away again.”
“So what if I did?” Josh lifted his chin at a defiant level, but the pain in his eyes took away the bravado of the gesture. “I held her, Gabriel, I held her in my arms again.”
Gabriel hesitated. That wasn’t possible. Josh’s few powers had been taken away, a sentence for what he’d done. Punishment that was supposed to fit the crime. No touch. No feeling. No “body” to appear with. And yet…Josh had somehow managed to create things he shouldn’t have been capable of creating. “How? You’re not supposed to be able to do that.” He couldn’t keep from voicing the question out loud.
“Don’t know. All I know is that I did. And Avery felt me, I know she did. She smiled, Gabriel. The first smile on her face that reached her eyes I’ve seen in such a long time. It helped her, and that’s all that damn well matters.” Josh became defiant again. “I don’t care what they say or what they think. I know my girlfriend, my fiancée, and I know what’s best for her. And what’s best for her, what’s going to keep her happy and healthy, is for me to be around her. She may not be able to physically see me, but in her heart she knows I’m there.”
***
The sketchbook was propped against the leg of the armchair. She lay there, making out its shape in the darkness. She felt like a little kid on Christmas Eve, waiting for signs of Santa Claus. Was it like that with Josh too? As long as she was awake, he couldn’t appear?
She hugged his pillow tighter. The silence of the house was slowly becoming comforting over the last few nights. The hum of the air conditioner became her lullaby. Her cell phone sat perched on the edge of his nightstand, waiting for her if at any time she needed a reminder of his voice. Of his silly jokes or the short but sweet I love you texts. The ones with the smiley faces or the text me when you wake up, all the ones she loved but never knew could mean so much until he was gone.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 23