The power I have over him makes me feel sexy and I push further. It’s wrong after Michael and I left things as we did. Jake is still with Amanda, but I’ve stopped caring and clearly so has Jake. His hands make circles on my hips, digging in gently with just the right pressure before they start exploring. One hand moves from my hip, up my stomach and skimming gently under the hem of my top. He flattens his other hand over my stomach, pulling me in closer. The crowd is so dense around us and focused on their own exploits that nobody takes notice of what Jake and I are doing.
His hand moves upwards, towards my breast, stroking gently and then brushing against my nipple, which hardens at his touch. I’m incapable of anything, as he takes all my weight against him and I want him to keep touching me everywhere. I want more and I’m about three seconds away from pulling him off the dance floor into a dark corner, to show him exactly what I want. Nestling his face into my hair, his voice is strained as he murmurs, ‘God, Abby, I need you.’ He flips me round effortlessly like a rag doll so I’m facing him, looking up into his hooded eyes. Every inch of our control is gone, and I’m struggling to remember the time when we hated each other. Did it ever really exist?
‘What are you doing, Jake?’ Pulling away slightly, I give one last effort to walk away before we do something we’ll regret.
‘I’ve no idea.’ He tugs me back towards him by the belt loop on my jeans, and then his hands are squeezing my ass tightly, pulling our hips together. I can feel how turned on he is as he carries on dancing and rubbing against me. I could come just from moving against him like this, fully clothed in a room full of people. Everyone around us is reveling in their conquests and I want mine.
I slowly reach my arms up, around his neck, and watch his breathing increase as though he’s nervous. I feel the same, but maybe it’s Dutch courage as I fight the nerves and instead pull his head down towards mine. All the time we never look away and his lips part when he’s just a breath away. I close my eyes ready for the kiss that will change everything for the both of us.
Instead of feeling Jake’s lips close in on mine, Zoe comes barreling over with both hands covering her mouth, looking green in the face. She reaches out, pulling me towards her, but it’s too late, and for the second time since I’ve been in Brooklyn, she pukes all over me. Fate has a nasty way of making sure we never get that kiss, just like years ago.
***
‘I threw up on you again, didn’t I?’ Zoe groans into her pillow, laying sprawled out on the floor. We left the club rapido after the puking, because I reeked and demanded we go home. As punishment, Zoe was designated to the floor, not that she cared, as she was too drunk to know where she was and passed out straight away. I couldn’t stand the stench even after stripping my clothes off and wound up dragging my sorry ass into the shower. At least I don’t smell like Zoe does this morning.
‘Yep.’ I’m blunt, making it clear I’m incredibly pissed off. ‘I hope this isn’t going to be a regular thing. Twice is enough and I’m not a fan.’
‘I’m so sorry. I don’t know why it keeps happening.’
‘I do. Because you drink too much and don’t know when to stop.’
‘Abby, please forgive me.’
I huff, ‘Make me coffee and you’re partially forgiven. But only partially.’
Zoe drags herself out of the room, moaning in pain as she does. A snicker comes from under the covers beside me, where Sophie is lying.
‘From what I saw, she did you a favor. You and Jake were ready for ripping each other’s clothes off.’ Pushing out from under the covers, she moves up the bed, resting against the headrest and turning to give me a pointed look.
‘How did you see that? You were occupied elsewhere.’
‘Eyes and ears everywhere, don’t forget that.’
Thumping her with my pillow, I confirm what my lady bits are still mourning over. ‘Nothing happened.’
‘But it would have if Zoe hadn’t puked all over you.’
‘I don’t know what I’m doing.’ Not even twelve hours after parting ways with Michael, I’m ready for jumping into bed with my ex. My very taken ex. I throw myself face down on the bed groaning. The pounding headache from all the drinks isn’t helping things seem any brighter.
For a while Sophie doesn’t respond, she knows I need time just to wallow. Instead she rubs my back comfortingly, showing she’s not trying to be a bitch by pointing out the obvious, just that she cares. ‘I don’t think he knows either. You’re both screwed.’
With a chuckle, I reply, ‘Thanks for those wise words.’
‘Have you heard from Michael?’
‘Not yet. I guess he’s giving me space. I made it pretty clear we were done, but I think he’s going to hang on.’
‘He deserves better.’
‘You think I don’t know that? That’s why I tried to end things.’
‘Tried being the operative word. You should have left it with no room for questioning. Seems to me like you and Jake both want to have your cake and eat it too. You need to decide what you want.’
‘Can we not talk about this right now? It’s making me nauseous and I have work at the bar in a couple of hours.’
She laughs, ‘You agreed to work the day after 4th July? Rookie.’
‘I had no choice. Shaun pulled a few strings with shifts so I could go to Lake Placid and have yesterday off. I owe a lot of favors.’
‘Sucks to be you.’
‘I know, believe me I know.’ The hangover is getting progressively worse the longer I’m awake and the thought of a shift at Riffs is overwhelming. The next few hours I have one plan, and that’s to sleep for as long as possible, ignoring everything Sophie pulled me up on, for now. Trying to make sense of everything when I feel like this is a lost cause.
When I agreed that it sucked to be me, little did she know that I meant it in every way.
Twenty-Four
Most of the population must have over consumed during 4th July celebrations and had the luxury of hiding away, moping over the drunken mistakes they made. I unfortunately wasn’t one of them, and after what feels like a million hours, finally begin cleaning down the bar. Although it was a quiet shift, just the sight and smell of alcohol had me running back and forth to the restroom, dry heaving, after emptying my stomach hours ago.
I’m almost done, when Shaun walks over. ‘Nightcap? It’ll make you feel better.’
Although my face scrunches up in disgust, my brain isn’t functioning properly, as the word ‘Sure’ comes out of my mouth. Whatever, I can’t feel any worse. If anything, it will help switch my mind off, which is going into overdrive replaying the events of yesterday.
‘Whiskey ok?
‘I’m easy, nothing can make me feel worse.’
Chuckling, he gestures for me to grab a stool at the bar. I sit, watching as he pours two tumblers of whiskey. Sliding my drink across the bar, he gives me a mischievous smile. ‘So, yesterday was interesting.’
‘It was indeed.’
‘Are you not wondering which part I’m talking about?’
‘I’m guessing you may be referring to the part where I split up with my boyfriend?’
‘Or the part where you and Jake were practically dry humping in the middle of a club.’
‘We were not!’ My cheeks burn bright red, giving me away.
‘Yes, you were.’ He gives me a stern look.
‘Maybe we got a bit close, but everybody was.’
‘Hmm. You know my brother still has feelings for you right?’
This catches me completely off guard. As I was mid drink, whiskey comes shooting out of my nose as I begin choking. Thanks to our drink of choice, everything burns, and my eyes begin streaming. Finally, I manage to croak out, ‘Sam?’
Shaun raises an eyebrow, ‘He is my brother, yes.’
‘Why would Sam have feelings for me?’
‘Because he always has. You know this, don’t play dumb. I know about the time you two almost got together. He tells
me everything.’
‘Almost but not quite. Plus, that was years ago.’ I take a sip of my whiskey, making sure to swallow it quickly this time.
‘And so was Jake, but the two of you can’t keep your hands off each other. The heart knows what it wants, Abby, and time doesn’t affect that.’
‘Are you being serious right now?’ All I get is a nod of confirmation. ‘Damn.’ I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. How could I have missed this? Maybe there have been a couple of signs. He always seems very anti-Jake and I, and sometimes he can come across as overly friendly, but that’s the way he’s always been with me.
While I’m staring at the bar, mulling over what Shaun has said, he continues. ‘He knows how it is, he’s not an idiot. He knows when it comes down to it, it’s always going to be Jake over anyone. But that doesn’t stop it hurting him like hell sometimes. I mean Jake’s one of his best friends and so are you. I guess what I’m trying to say is be careful and remember that he’s there sometimes. Last night sucked major ass for him, seeing the two of you together like that.’
Swallowing a big ball of guilt that’s built in my throat, I feel sheepish and incredibly selfish. All along, I’ve been thinking about my feelings, and how hard it’s all been for me. Meanwhile I’ve been completely blindsided to what’s right in front of me.
‘Does he hate me?’ I’m not sure I want to know the answer.
‘Of course, he doesn’t hate you. You know he worships the ground you stand on. We all do.’ Trailing off, he looks away and a horrible feeling begins to creep in.
‘Shaun. You don’t, you know… too do you?’ I’m feeling flushed again, this is all very awkward.
Laughing uncontrollably, to the point he’s red in the face, when he finally calms down, he says, ‘Don’t worry, Abby. Not everyone around here is in love with you. I have my sights set on someone else.’
This piques my interest, as he’s the last person I’d guess had his heart set on someone, especially with the amount of action his bed sees. ‘Oh really? I thought you were enjoying all the attention from the bar?’
‘It’s fun, but they’re just there to pass time. None have been the one for me.’
‘So, this person is The One?’ I know my face gives away how shocked I am, but I can’t help it, and hope he’s not insulted.
‘I guess she is. She’s pretty special.’ There’s a shine to his eyes that I haven’t seen before. I’m dying to know who it is, but a small part of me thinks maybe I already know. Now isn’t the time to push and find out though, as he seems perfectly content keeping the secret to himself.
‘She’s a pretty lucky girl, whoever she is to grab your attention like this. How about a toast?’
Leaning forward with his arms resting on the bar, he seems relaxed for the first time in our conversation and asks, ‘To what?’
‘To new things.’
‘I like that. How about, to new things and new chances?’
‘To new things and new chances.’
We toast and knock back what’s left of our drinks. The whiskey floods my veins, sending a warm buzz through my body, dulling the 4th July hangover that’s still lingering. I can’t help thinking that it’s not new chances that are the problem, it’s knowing which to choose.
Twenty-Five
We’re midway through July when I get a message from Jake, the first after the 4th July. It’s been twelve days, not that I’m counting, meaning it’s been six weeks since I moved back to Brooklyn, and will be six weeks till I leave again. For what, I’m still no closer to deciding. I’m loving life being back home which isn’t helping make anything clearer.
Life has settled into a routine of shifts at the bar with Shaun, along with freelance projects which have become a lot less since the bulk of work my dad sprang on me. I’m not complaining as I love working with the record label, but that’s the problem. Every day I’m here is making the thought of leaving again harder, and the choice between Australia and South Africa, more unclear.
I’m sat in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal and catching up on early morning emails before I start my day, when the message flashes up on my cell. I place it down on the kitchen counter, frowning, as I consider whether to open it or not. Part of me wants to open it straight away but the other part is majorly pissed that after how close we got; I haven’t heard from him in so long.
Maybe I’m over thinking it all and romanticizing it into something it’s not. He’s not the one that split up with their partner, partly due to old feelings for an ex. Maybe we should just put it down to us both being wasted and not having any control over what we were doing, but that wouldn’t explain the other times.
‘Much on your mind?’ Dad is standing in front of me, but I was so caught up in my own thoughts, I hadn’t heard him enter the kitchen.
‘Nothing, everything,’ I sigh.
‘Sounds serious. Does it have something to do with a certain ex-boyfriend who also happens to be in a band?’ He pours a coffee from the pot I brewed a few minutes ago and then tops up mine. Taking a sip, he waits for my response.
‘Everything and nothing,’
‘You’re being very cryptic.’ He frowns, looking completely lost at my responses to his questions.
‘I don’t think anything is clear enough in my mind, for me to be able to talk about it.’
‘That bad, huh? Well contrary to popular belief, we parents have seen a lot and experienced a lot, so if you need advice at some point, I may be able to help more than you think.’
‘Thanks, Dad. I promise, if I need to, I’ll come to you.’
He gives my shoulder a small pat as he makes to leave, ‘That’s all I ask. Remember a problem shared is a problem halved.’
I smile to myself as he leaves the room, leaving me to get back to my thoughts. Smooshing around the now soggy cereal in my bowl, my appetite gone completely, I finally open the message from Jake on my cell.
[Be at bar Baron @9. We need to talk x]
That’s all I get, after two weeks of no contact. Everything in me tells me to stay away, but I know no matter how hard I try, I’ve no control over what I do with Jake. He’s pulling all the strings and that scares the shit out of me. All I know is that my heart doesn’t have another break in it. If this all goes wrong, there’ll be no coming back from it.
I reply [I’ll try]
***
6 years earlier
It’s been over two weeks since I left for Florida during the holidays. Over two weeks since our first, very heated kiss, and I’m craving him more than I’ve craved anything before. That kiss seared into me and stomped all over my heart. I’ve woken up every morning a hot, tangled, grumpy mess. There’s only one thing that will help. Jake.
We’ve kept in contact every day, messaging constantly. But my family have noticed how distant and distracted I’ve been over the festive period, resulting in some minor clashes. All I’ve been capable of doing is counting the days until I can see him again.
We spoke earlier on our cells and he sounded off, upset even. I didn’t want to push it and risk him closing off with me, so I made the decision I would come to him as a surprise instead. He’s been having issues with his grades and the pressure from his mom and grandpa has increased massively with it being our senior year. Maybe all he needs is a distraction, something to take his mind off it.
I don’t have the patience to trek to the subway, so I opt to use some of the few savings I have on a cab. The winter Florida sun has worked wonders on my pale skin, bringing out the light scattering of freckles on my cheeks and nose, and enhancing the copper highlights in my hair. I look good, I know it, and I hope Jake thinks so to. I also hope he likes the black lingerie that I’m wearing that Zoe bought me as a Christmas present. It came with a gift card that had a wink face on it, typical Zoe, but I’m thankful she got it. According to her this is what guys love. Even though I’m bundled up in snow gear, looking like an Eskimo, I can feel the material burning against my sk
in, heightening the anticipation of seeing him.
When the cab pulls up outside his house. I rush out, quickly making my way up the front steps to his door. I can hear shouting from inside; loud, angry shouting, which is concerning. I knew things were rough at home for Jake but didn’t think things were this bad. Ringing the doorbell, I don’t care who knows I’m here. Besides the shouting the house seems quiet, almost deserted from where I’m looking in. But then a porch light flickers on, and his mom comes bustling towards the door with her bag in hand, shrugging her coat on quickly.
‘Abby, hi?’ She says surprised to see me stood there, even though I rang the bell. Maybe she didn’t hear it. ‘How were your holidays? Did you enjoy your trip?’
‘They were great, Miss Ross, thank you. Were yours good?’
I try not to feel intimidated as I’m speaking with her, but she’s a very powerful and glamorous woman. She’s never given me a reason to feel uncomfortable when I’ve met her. But behind closed doors, she’s made it clear to Jake that she’s unhappy with his current lifestyle choices; one of which is me.
‘I did, thank you. I’m heading out for a while. Jake is just upstairs in his room.’ With that she bustles past me and out the front door. Flying down the steps in a hurry, she still somehow looks gracious.
I feel nervous. It’s the first time I’ve been alone in his home with him, and I’m not entirely sure what to do. Do I just go upstairs? Do I call his name out, so he’s aware there’s someone else in the house?
Not wanting to make too big a deal of the whole thing, I decide to make my way upstairs to his room quietly to surprise him. The door is slightly ajar, and I can see him sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He looks lost and younger than I’m used to seeing him; it’s as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Instead of faking confidence like I’d planned, I gently push the door open, my concern for him overriding everything. ‘Hey, you.’
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