I take hold of him, wanting to feel what he’s like in my small hands. ‘Get this straight,’ I say. ‘I do not want gentle. I want you to fuck me like you’ve imagined it every day for the past six years.’
‘You have no idea what you’re letting yourself in for,’ he smirks.
‘Try me.’ With that last challenge, he thrusts inside me all the way with no other warning. I cry out in ecstasy, as he begins a relentless pace that tips me over the edge quicker and more intensely than anyone ever has.
It’s not perfectly romantic. It’s messy and complicated, but that’s exactly what Jake and I have always been. After all this time, it’s our own kind of perfect.
Thirty-Three
The next morning, I wake up with a slightly fuzzy head, feeling disorientated. It also feels like I’m in bed with a furnace. Opening one eye slightly, it all comes flooding back as I take in my surroundings. Rather than a hangover, my fuzzy head is due to the multiple rounds of mind-blowing sex I had with the guy lying next to me. Jake. He’s also the source of my overheating. He’s sprawled across the bed with his leg and arm draped over me, possessively pulling me underneath him, as if he’s scared to let me go.
I know the feeling. After all this time, it feels like a dream that I’m here lying next to him, with his naked body pressed against mine. In fact, a dream is an understatement, I’ve died and gone to heaven.
The sun streams through his bedroom window, casting soft morning shadows across his back which is covered in a giant scarab beetle tattoo. I finally got my answer about tattoos in unseen places. I can’t stop my eyes tracing a journey all over, drinking in the sight before me. I could happily spend every morning for the rest of my life like this. I don’t know how long I lay there, watching Jake sleep, or so I think…
’Are you done staring at me? I know I’m a sight to behold, but even I have a limit for how long someone can watch me sleeping.’ He opens one eye, with a cheeky smile on his face.
‘Sorry. It’s taken a while to get my head around being here, with you. You know, like this.’ I don’t want to feel shy around him, but this is all so new. At least being honest, he knows how I’m feeling.
‘Worth the wait?’
‘More than you know.’ He gives me a warm smile, not breaking eye contact until his gaze begins to wander, and his eyes move downwards, over the full length of my body. I hadn’t realized I wasn’t covered by a sheet, probably due to the hot water bottle lying next to me.
Normally I’d rush to cover myself up. In fact, normally I’d be up early, making sure any hint of morning breath and non-perfection were gone, ready for when Michael woke up. That’s how he liked me, perfect. Things aren’t like that with Jake. Neither of us are perfect, our relationship has always been anything but. To force this moment and make it picture perfect would make it something we’re not.
Maybe that’s why everything feels more real, because it’s so raw. The feelings, everything, are intense. Neither of us has any control over this thing that is happening and that’s what’s so scary. I guess sometimes scary isn’t always a bad thing.
‘Penny for your thoughts,’ says Jake snapping me back to reality. I’m distracted by the hungry look in his eyes.
‘Again?’
‘What can I say, we’ve got years of catching up to do.’
I let out an uncharacteristically girly giggle, as he pulls me on top of him so are bodies are completely flush with each other. Kissing him deeply, I begin trailing my lips down his neck, then slowly make my way down his chest. When I reach his stomach and the trail of hair leading lower, I look up through my eyelashes innocently and say, ‘I guess we better get started then.’
***
We spent the rest of the morning in bed, until we both admitted defeat without any food. Like the true New Yorkers, we are, we ordered breakfast in, because in New York you can get anything delivered to your door.
Ten tons of waffles, bacon and syrup, and a gallon of coffee later, I finally manage to drag myself out of Jake’s bed and home to shower. I promise to see him at some point the next day. Before I even reached the corner of his block, my cell vibrated in my pocket.
When I opened it, it was a message from Jake. [Too long apart already.]
Being the lovesick female, I am, I’m still unable, hours later, to wipe the smile off my face that he put there.
Later that afternoon I’m sat at the breakfast bar in my parents’ kitchen, editing some photos for the record label, when my cell begins ringing with a call from an unknown foreign number. I’m guessing it’s one of the calls I’ve been dreading for weeks. Of course, it would come today, the night after Jake and I have finally made it clear to each other what we want.
I answer reluctantly. ‘Hello, this is Abby speaking.’
‘Hi, Abby,’ says a familiar, South African voice, that I know to be Sooz, the creative director of the magazine I interviewed with in Cape Town. ‘Do you have time to speak?’
‘Hi, Sooz, of course I have time. Firstly, can I apologize for taking so long to get back? The decision has been a lot harder to make than I thought.’
‘No need to apologize, we understand. Making a permanent move around the world is a big decision and we know how many offers you have on your plate. However, I’m calling because our situation has changed. Unfortunately, the pressure is on for us to fill the position you applied for sooner than expected. With that in mind, our deadline has been cut to the end of the week, and in case you decided to turn down the offer, we will need an answer from you by midday tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ I gulp, shock setting in.
‘I know it’s short notice, but our hands are tied and there’s nothing we can do. Don’t make the decision lightly, Abby. I know it’s a big one, but you need to give me a call no later than midday tomorrow, otherwise I will be forced to fill the position with someone else, regardless of what your answer is.’
‘I understand. Thank you. I’ll be back in touch shortly.’
We hang up and I drop my head to the counter with a bang.
‘Everything ok, sweetheart?’ my mom asks. I look up to find both my parents standing in front of the bar, with a concern on their faces.
‘I suppose I could say yes, but also no?’
‘Expand…’
‘The South Africa job has pushed the deadline for my decision earlier. Like midday tomorrow earlier.’
‘Ahhh…,’ Dad sighs knowingly. ‘Have you made a decision then?’
‘No way near. Just in case it wasn’t hard enough; things have gotten harder.’
‘Jake?’ Mom asks skeptically. I know neither of them are going to like the answer.
‘That obvious?’
‘Baby, there’s only one person that could bring out that ridiculously happy smile you’ve had on your face this week.’ Even though what she’s saying should be happy, her face looks incredibly sad.
‘So, are you together?’ Dad just looks plain concerned.
‘I guess we are. I’m not really sure?’ I think it’s a given after everything we’ve said and done, but we’ve yet to have that ‘official’ conversation and I’ve learnt to never jump to conclusions, even if something seems obvious.
‘Right.’ He seems unhappy, which is ironic as out of the two, he was the parent encouraging us to be in contact with each other again. Maybe this isn’t exactly how he meant.
‘Is something wrong?’
‘I wouldn’t say wrong. I’m just concerned.’
‘About?’
‘You know Jake’s band signed the record deal yesterday?’
‘Sophie mentioned it last night, but I never really got a chance to chat with Jake about it.’ My cheeks flush slightly knowing why. I hope neither of them notice or this is going to be an awkward conversation.
‘It’s big, Abby. Really big. Mainstream big. It would mean being on the road most of the time. Tours, groupies, interviews. Maybe now wouldn’t be the best time to start something up again?’
‘Because y
ou think he wouldn’t be able to keep his dick in his pants?’
‘Abby,’ Mom says angrily, with warning in her voice.
‘Not that. I don’t doubt how Jake feels about you, or you him. We know how he’s felt all along, and if things hadn’t been the way they were back then, I guess he never would have let you go.’
‘Why does everyone keep saying that?’ I grumble to myself, making a mental note this is one conversation we still need to have.
‘Jake will need to explain that to you. What I’m trying to say is you’re both at a point in your lives where you’re about to achieve your dreams. Everything is yours for the taking, but can you really give it your all, if you’re constantly thinking and worrying about each other? Wanting to be with each other and not being able to?’
I hate that what he’s saying is true and meekly, I say, ‘So you’re basically trying to say we’ll hold each other back?’
‘Yes, that. Or, if one of you gave up your dream for the other, would you end up regretting it and resenting each other in the end? Would it be better to wait?’ His expression is sad, and I know he hates being the one to have this conversation with me. Last night was so perfect after six long years and I’m struggling to keep my anger in check and my thoughts rational.
‘We’ve just found our way back to each other, after everyone telling me to give him a second chance. Telling me he’d changed. Now you’re telling me to give up on us instead?’
‘I’m only thinking of the both of you, honey.’
‘You know what, forget it. I need to go for a walk.’ I stand up and like a spoilt child, storm out of the kitchen heading towards the front of the house.
‘We’ve only got your best interests at heart, baby,’ Mom shouts after me.
When I get outside, I pull out my cell, dialing Zoe immediately. ‘Can we meet?’
Thirty-Four
‘What are you going to do?’ Sophie has tears in her eyes, not happy that our summer bubble is potentially about to pop.
‘I really don’t know.’ I’m so frustrated I place my head in my hands, wanting to check out for a while. I hate how I’ve left things with my parents. I hate any kind of animosity, especially with them. They only said what they did because they care and want to see me happy, but it still sucks.
‘You don’t have long to decide,’ throws in Zoe, as if she’s being helpful.
‘You know, I really love it when you both state the obvious.’
Zoe calls my bluff. ‘You don’t need to be, bitchy, we’re here to help remember. Would you like us to leave?’
‘I’m sorry. It’s just my time has literally run out and I feel like my hand is being forced.’ I don’t feel ready to make such a big decision, not yet. I’ve only just started to make sense of one area of my life and now straight away I’m expected to jump in and solve another. Fate can be harsh sometimes.
‘Really, you need to do what’s best for the both of you.’ I don’t want to point out to Sophie, always the romantic, that really, I shouldn’t let Jake influence this decision, especially when we’ve just had sex.
‘I get that, I do. But we’ve just found our way back to each other. It seems ironic that our careers are suddenly taking us in completely opposite directions.’
‘What’s the one thing that Jake has always wanted? I mean besides you?’ ask Zoe.
‘To make it big in music.’
‘Do you think he’d follow you, if you chased your dreams? Or even stay here and be with you if that’s what you wanted, rather than following his career?’
‘Potentially…’
‘Could you watch him do that?’
I get where she’s going with this. Although I don’t want to answer because I know what it means. I continue. ‘No. It would kill me watching him give up everything he’s worked for. Especially when we’re only just starting out and we don’t even know whether we’d work together as a couple.’
‘As much as this kills me to ask. If you weren’t together, would you be able to stay here, knowing Jake will be coming home on occasions. That you’ll see each other but not be able to be together?’
‘No, it would hurt too much.’ Even thinking about being in that situation, after the night we shared, is physically painful. I could never stand on the outside, wondering what it would feel like to really be with him and have all of him. Not now I finally know.
‘I think maybe you’ve got your answer.’
‘You’re telling me to go?’
Zoe sighs sadly, ‘I’m not telling you to do anything. Neither of us are. Sometimes you have to not be selfish if it’s what’s best for someone.’
‘If you took the South Africa job, what would happen with the job in Australia?’ asks Sophie.
‘I would just have to let them down. The position doesn’t start for another couple of months, which would be too long to be here and reminded of him constantly.’
‘Well I agree with Zoe. You have your answer.’ Tears are running down Sophie’s face. ‘I’m going to miss you so much.’
‘At least it’s a new place to party?’ I’m not sure whether I’m trying to convince them or myself.
‘This definitely calls for drinks.’ Zoe stands up, ready to head to the bar. ‘I’m guessing you’re going to have to tell him tonight?’
‘Yeah. I also need to figure out the time difference so I can ring them back and confirm the job.’ As I’m speaking the words, it feels like I’m in a parallel universe. Every part of me aches to jump back twenty-four hours and relive those perfect hours with Jake.
‘You’re going to need something to numb the pain. My best heartbreak numbing cocktail is coming up.’ She’s a woman who means business as she stalks off to the bar, but it’s her own way of coping. She’d never show how hurt she is that I’m leaving, she’s too cool for that.
We’re several rounds of drinks in, sat in a large group laughing and joking when Jake finally arrives with Zach by his side. I smile up at him as he stands behind me, but not for long. I feel too uncomfortable knowing what I’m about to put him through.
He doesn’t give me an option though, as he picks me up from my seat effortlessly, sitting back down with me in his lap. He turns my face, drawing me in for a long, slow kiss that leaves me breathless and tingling everywhere. Closing my eyes, I sigh. He’s not making what I’m about to do any easier.
‘You taste amazing,’ he says quietly so the rest of the group can’t hear, ‘but not as good as you tasted this morning. I could have you like that every day for the rest of my life and be the happiest man alive.’
I look down with a small smile. My chest tightens and my eyes burn as tears brim at the surface. Turning away, I reach for my drink, taking a big gulp to force down the emotions threatening to burst out of me.
Sophie and Zoe shoot concerned glances my way, but I look away quickly so as not to make it obvious to Jake, in front of the group, that something is wrong. I lean back into him, allowing myself a little more time of me and him before it feels like the world will come crashing down around us.
The bubble we spend the next couple of hours in is a welcome distraction. But, as the evening moves on, I can’t avoid the conversation any longer. At the same moment I decide it’s time to talk, he leans in to kiss me. I awkwardly shrug him off and my heart tugs painfully at the hurt expression he gives me.
He whispers, ‘Is something wrong?’
‘Can we talk somewhere a bit quieter?’ I ask, trying not to give too much away in the tone of my voice.
‘Erm, yeah sure?’ He looks confused but follows my lead.
‘Be back soon,’ I murmur to Zoe and Sophie. They simply nod, whilst Sam, Zach and Shaun don’t hide the confusion on their faces.
I lead us out of the bar and further up the block away from the bars, where it’s quieter and there aren’t as many people around to hear our conversation. All the way, I avoid any contact with Jake, which I know he notices as he shoves his hands into his jean pockets awkwardly.
‘Is everything ok?’ he asks. I can tell by the way he hesitates, that he doesn’t really want to ask the question, afraid of what the answer will be. It’s like we’ve been transported back six years and our roles reversed. I struggle not to laugh at the irony of it all.
‘Not really,’ I reply honestly.
‘I guess a lot can change in twelve hours.’ He’s getting snarky, putting his guard up. Can I blame him really when I know what I’m about to do?
‘Don’t be like that, Jake,’ I plead.
‘Like what, Abby? Pissed? Wanting answers as to why, after a night and morning together, you’re suddenly doing a 180. Did I do something?’ He steps towards me, going to pull me in. His face looks so vulnerable that I want to scream at how unfair the universe is being.
Instead I step back, away from him. I know if I let him touch me, I’ll crumble and lose the courage to do what needs to be done. ‘Why didn’t you tell me the band signed a deal?’
He rubs his hand over his face. ‘That’s what this is about?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me, Jake?’
‘I dunno, I guess it didn’t seem important. I just wanted us to have some time together, see where this would go.’
‘No. You knew that if you told me, it would have changed things. That maybe I wouldn’t have gone down the path I did with you last night.’
‘Come on, Abby. It wouldn’t have changed things at all.’
‘Yes, it would, Jake. I can’t be with you now. Not when you have something so big going on in your life.’
He laughs, as if I’m being ridiculous. ‘Why not?’
‘I don’t want to hold you back. You’ve wanted this since high school. You need to focus, and it will be too much if I’m always there in the background.’
‘We can make it work. I don’t want to give up on us. I won’t, Abs.’
‘You did the first time and you will again.’ I practically choke this part out, knowing it’s opening all the old wounds we’ve worked to heal.
‘I won’t, I promise. Things are different this time.’
Always You Page 24