Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  Janet nodded.

  “I assume you read the rest of the letters?” Neil said.

  Janet cleared her throat. “Yeah.”

  Neil shrugged. “Then I guess I would try and put myself in his shoes. Ask what I would’ve done.”

  “I wouldn’t have lied.”

  Neil looked at her, and she could feel the unsaid, ‘are you so sure,’ words written on his face. He leveled a thoughtful gaze at her, and said, “My family has a history of early onset dementia. When Meg was little, she asked me once why grandma lived in a hospital when she didn’t look sick, and I told her that grandma preferred living there. Later, after she figured things out on her own, she asked me why I’d lied to her. I said, telling you grandma wasn’t right up here would’ve changed how you felt about going to see her and you both would’ve lost out on some wonderful times.”

  Janet thought about that a moment. “It’s not the same, but I think I know what you mean. I guess the question is: do I think life would’ve been better if I’d known.” She sighed, reflecting on what her life would have been like growing up knowing William wasn’t her father.

  Neil reached over the table, patted her hand and stood. “When you can answer that, you’ll know what to do.”

  Janet picked up the phone, dialed, and listened to the ringing on the other end. After talking with Neil the night before, she came to the conclusion on where to start the dialogue with her father. Yes, he was her father. He had been there during her growing up, had mentored and provided for her.

  When she heard him pick up, she took a deep breath and braced herself. “Hi Dad.”

  “Hey, Skeeter. I was just thinking about calling you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. Got my affairs almost in order. Should be ready to move pretty soon.”

  Janet nibbled her lip. “I have something to ask you, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay?”

  “Sure.”

  She wrapped the telephone cord around her finger. “Are you my real father?”

  His reply took a long time. “Why?”

  “Just answer the question, please.”

  Again, he said, “Why?” And the tone of his voice was guarded.

  “Because, I need to hear the truth from you.”

  “You know, don’t you? I’d hoped you’d never find out.”

  She bit her lip. Even though she knew it for a fact, there was still a small part of her that wanted it not to be true. “So you kept it from me?”

  “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

  She weighed that in her mind. “It must have been very hard for you. Why didn’t you divorce mom instead of playing this … this charade for so many years?”

  “I loved your mother. Leaving her would’ve been like tearing my heart out.” He sighed. “I did everything I could to jump-start our marriage. To convince myself I could forgive her. But in the end, I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

  Janet was quiet, then said, “I know you didn’t. Does Craig know?”

  “Not that I know of.” His voice broke. “I want you to know something. When you got into your accident, I realized how important you were in my life. I want to be your dad. Can you please forgive me?”

  She got up, went to the window and looked off over the neighborhood. Mrs. Ganderson was gardening in her yard. Little Jeffrey played next door in his sand box. Finally, she said, “Yes, I forgive you, but I’m gonna need some time.”

  He cleared his throat again. “I love you, and there’ll be no more secrets between us, I promise.”

  “I know. Look, I have to go.”

  “Right,” he said, and told her goodbye.

  Two weeks later –

  Janet sat at Neil’s kitchen table sipping a Coke and watching him throw a couple of burgers on for lunch.

  “His name is Kevin,” she announced.

  “Who?” Neil said, popping the top off his bottle of beer.

  “My father, my real father.”

  He looked back at her, his brow raised. “Your father told you then?” He adjusted the burner below the frying pan.

  “Yes. I called him this morning and asked.”

  He nodded. “You all right?”

  “I’m okay.” She paused. “It was hard asking.”

  “I bet. You want cheese on yours?”

  “Yeah, sure.” She debated her decision to look for her real father as she tried to gather her thoughts. Finally, she said, “If you were me, would you try to find him?”

  Neil shut the burner off and turned around. “First off, I’d ask myself: if I did, what then?”

  “Yeah, that has crossed my mind,” she said. “I would like to meet him, though.”

  “I know,” he said in a careful tone.

  “Is that wrong?” she said, suddenly aware of his cocked brow.

  Neil sat beside her and reached for her hand. As he took it, he looked her in the eye. “No, but what if he doesn’t want to be found. He may not want you barging into his life. And if he has family, they may not appreciate it, either.”

  “Right.”

  Neil nodded. “Why don’t you give it some time? Think about it,” he said. “Oh, by the way, I told my daughter about us.”

  Janet’s heart leapt into her throat. “You did? What’d she say?”

  “Not much. She mentioned she’d call you later.” He grinned. “I think she wants to know your intentions, sort of like the good old days. I must say; it’s amusing to be on the other side of that.”

  “Very funny,” Janet replied as her stomach knotted.

  “So, you gonna ask her permission to date me?”

  Janet forced a smile. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? What I might ask her is if you have any annoying habits I need to know about.”

  “I don’t know if I like that,” he said.

  “Well, that’s the price you pay.”

  When Janet arrived home, she checked her answering machine and sure enough, a message waited for her. She hit the play button and listened to Megan’s voice ringing out. “Hey Janet, give me a call.”

  Janet looked up at the clock. 9:00 PM. As she debated whether to wait until morning to call her, the phone rang.

  “Hello?”

  “I had an interesting chat with my father earlier.”

  Janet sat and took a deep breath. “Hi, Meg. Yes, he told me.”

  “I guess you’ve had a rough couple of days. You okay?”

  Janet wondered how much Neil told her about her father. “Yes, thank you.”

  There was a brief pause. “Anything else you’d care to share? Like how you two are getting pretty chummy these days?”

  Janet felt the bait being set. “Your father’s a good man. He was there for me when I needed him.”

  “Hmm … Sort of like the father you never had.”

  Janet let the insult pass. “Meg, please. It’s not what you think.”

  “Then tell me, please. I’m waiting.”

  “Can’t we do this later? I’ve had a long day, and I’m tired.”

  Janet felt a frown on the other end.

  “All right. When?”

  “How about lunch next week? My treat. I’ll be up in Salem to see Mick.”

  “Okay, I guess that works. What day?” Megan asked in a flat tone.

  Janet double-checked her calendar. “Tuesday?”

  “Tuesday it is. I’ll let you go. Sleep well.”

  Meaning what? That I’ve done something wrong and you think I’m sleeping with a clear conscious? “You, too.” Janet hung up the phone and closed her eyes. It’s not like I expected her to accept this, but really?

  12

  Janet gave Barney the required speech about behaving while she was gone then shut the front door. She’d overslept and would just about make it to Salem in time to drop off her submission to Mick. As she got in her car, she waved to Neil, who was standing next to Barney at her front door. He had stayed over last night, and they had fallen asleep on the cou
ch together. When she woke up in the middle of the night and felt his arms around her, it felt like she belonged there.

  She was carrying that feeling with her today like a shield against her impending conversation with his daughter. Would Megan understand how she felt? Janet doubted it, but it didn’t stop her from hoping. She didn’t want to lose Megan’s friendship, but didn’t Neil deserve some happiness, and didn’t she? She turned the radio on and tried to put the thought of a knock down, drag out fight with Meg out of her mind.

  An hour later, she pulled into the restaurant parking lot. She found a spot and sat a moment before getting out. A few spaces away she saw an old VW beetle. She’s here.

  She checked her face in the rear-view mirror and got out. Megan stood inside the front entry of the stone and brick building.

  “Hi,” Janet said, shutting the door behind her.

  “Hi, yourself. How was the trip?”

  “It was all right.”

  A crooked smile crossed Megan’s lips. “Good. Hungry?”

  “A little. You?”

  “I could eat,” Megan said. They followed the greeter past pictures of local celebrities to a booth at the back of the room. “So, how’s Mick?” Megan said, tossing her purse on the seat.

  “Don’t know. Haven’t seen him yet.” Janet slid into the booth and pulled a menu in front of her. “So what’s good?”

  Megan shrugged. “The Linguini with clam sauce isn’t bad. Caesar’s pretty good, too.”

  “So,” Janet said, deciding on her entree, “How are you?”

  “I’m doing.”

  Feeling the chilly tone of Megan’s response, Janet braced herself and looked up. “And work?”

  “It goes,” Megan said. “Not what I’m used to, but it’s safe.” Her gaze narrowed on Janet. “Okay, what’s going on between you and my father?”

  Janet took a deep breath and was about to answer when the waiter appeared. Megan pasted a smile on, and they both ordered. When the waiter left, Janet said, “It’s not what you think.”

  “And I’m thinking what?” Megan said. She glanced out the window beside them.

  “That I’m flirting with him or something.”

  “It’s not that, that I’m worried about. He likes you a lot. This isn’t one of the guys down at Jake’s. This is my father, Janet. I don’t want him hurt.”

  Janet blinked. She’d forgotten she’d told Meg about a couple of romps. She steeled herself. “Neither do I.”

  “He’s old enough to be your father.”

  “I know.”

  “Well, I don’t know, Jan. Look, I owe you for all you did and for sharing what you went through, but I’m not comfortable with this. I mean, in my world, friends don’t date their friend’s father. It’s … it’s … weird.”

  “Yes, I know, but you can’t always control how you feel.”

  “It doesn’t mean you act on them, though. You look at him and see this worldly older man. But what about in twenty years? Is it going to be the same? I don’t think so. I think you’re going to look at him and wonder why you’re there. You’re going to feel trapped. And then what?”

  “Looks aren’t what I’m interested in, Meg.”

  “Really? Okay, what about if he can’t take care of himself anymore? Hmmm? What about that? I don’t think you’re thinking this all the way through.”

  “So, you’d have him be alone the rest of his life?”

  “No. I just think he should find someone his own age. You’re drop-dead gorgeous. He looks at you and sees himself back in his teens. It might work for a little while, but sooner or later the novelty’s going to wear off. Then what? He’ll see the longing in your eyes to be free and it’ll torture him.”

  Logically, Janet knew Megan was right. But what Megan assumed wasn’t going to happen. It had taken ten years for her to find a man she felt any kind of real bond with. At last, she said, “I can’t expect you to believe this, but it’ll never happen.”

  Megan looked at her with obvious skepticism. “You’re right, I don’t believe you. But there’s nothing I can do about it.” Her gaze hardened. “You better not hurt him! You understand me?”

  It was as close to a stamp of approval as Janet could expect to get from Megan. She met the pointed glare staring back at her and said the words she had yet to admit to Neil. “I love him, Meg. I will never hurt your father.”

  Megan leaned forward. “I hope not, but if you do, you’ll have me to deal with.” She sat back. “So what’s next? You two gonna move in together?”

  Janet set her fork down. “We haven’t talked about it yet.”

  Megan eyed her sidelong. “I see. Well, we’ll just take it one day at a time then, I guess.”

  “That’s my plan. Meg? Can we still be friends?”

  “For now, let’s just say, I’ll think about it and leave it at that.”

  Later that night, Janet and Neil were sitting down to burgers and fries at his place. It was a Tuesday night. The National League pennant race between the Brewers and the Dodgers murmured on the TV. Janet didn’t know the first thing about baseball, other than it was the most boring game man had ever devised. But Neil enjoyed it. Thought of it as a chess match. That was all well and fine, but she didn’t see a lot of chess matches on TV.

  “So, how was lunch with Meg,” he asked.

  “Lunch was good,” Janet responded carefully.

  He eyed her dubiously. “Meaning?”

  She managed a thin smile. “Meaning, we had a nice long chat about you.”

  He bit into his burger, then wiped his mouth. “I bet you did. If I know my Meg, she’s all gun-ho on us. But she has her life with Brad.”

  If you only knew!

  He winked at her. “I think it’s time for this old man to start living again.”

  Yes it is, for both of us. Janet took a drink from her chocolate milkshake and regarded him. “I have something to tell you. It’s hard to know how to say it, except to just come right out with it.” She paused, and summoning her courage, said, “I want to share my life with you.” She searched his face for a reaction. For a moment there was nothing, then it melted into a beautiful smile. He reached out and took her hand.

  “I never thought I’d hear those words again from a woman.” He searched her with a probing gaze that went to her very core. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  He took another moment with that answer, as if savoring it. “I’m so much older than you.”

  “I don’t care. I love what’s in here,” she said, touching his chest.

  He reached up and cupped her cheek with his hand. “You have made me very happy.”

  But do you love me back? Janet thought, holding her breath.

  He got up and bent his face down to her, placing a soft lingering kiss on her lips. “I didn’t know how I felt about you until that day on the beach. I knew I liked you, but you were so much younger than me. I was afraid you’d think I was a dirty old man.” He smiled. “I’m terrified.”

  “Me, too.” But do you love me, Neil?

  He kissed her again and cleared his throat. “Hey, what do you say we celebrate?”

  I guess he needs a little more time to say the words. Okay, it’s been a long time for him. I can wait. She smiled. “I’d like that.”

  “Great. Let’s do something crazy.”

  “Crazy? Like what?”

  “Like, bowling, or something. Wait a minute, I know. There’s a miniature golf place down on twenty-two. It’s lit up at night. We could go play a round.”

  “Golf?”

  “Sure. It’ll be a hoot.”

  Not exactly what I had in mind, but it will be memorable. “Okay, but I’ve never played before.”

  “Neither have I … well maybe once or twice when I was a kid. Oh, by the way, I went to the library yesterday. The woman at the desk told me there’s a group that meets there about lost relatives every Monday.”

  “Really?” Janet beamed and any further doubts vanish
ed about him loving her.

  The next day, Neil called her from work. “I want you to get dressed up tonight. We’re going out somewhere nice. And no, I’m not telling you where, except that it isn’t Jakes.”

  “Okay. When do I need to be ready?” Her mind swirled with thoughts of a proposal. Part of her gushed at the thought, another was anxious. Am I going too fast here? But how can I say no?

  “Seven. I’ll pick up you after I run an errand.”

  Her heart jumped. A ring? But it could be anything. Don’t get ahead of yourself, girl. She took a deep breath, trying to put it out of her mind, and looked at the clock. It was a little after three. Did she have time to go get a quick trim down at Curls? And what to wear?

  “Janet, you there?” Neil said.

  “Yes, sorry. Just thinking. Yes, that works. See you then.”

  At six-thirty, Janet was still deciding on a dress. She dragged yet another one out of her closet and hung it up over the top of the door beside the other four. The dark maroon wrap-around with a ‘v’ neck collar had been bought last spring for a swank award ceremony put on by the Reporter. Over the top? She lifted the material up in her hands and over her arms. It slipped over her skin like a cool breeze. She tilted her head. Why not?

  Twenty minutes later, she opened her front door and let Neil in. She stared at the elegant, white flower corsage in his hand whose stem and leaves had been woven around a circlet of braided gold. Her heart confirmed what she’d dared to believe all afternoon. As she pinned it on her dress, she said, “What’s this all about?”

  “Oh, just a little something I thought you might like.” A smile turned the corners of his lips.

  “It’s beautiful, thank-you.”

  He nodded toward his truck and held his hand out. “Your limo awaits.”

  A half hour later, they sat at a secluded table near a large picture window looking out over the Willamette River. They barely noticed it, though, because their gazes were locked on each other. I could exist here forever, she thought.

  At last, Neil stirred. “You are radiant.” The waitress suddenly appeared at their table. He turned toward the woman. “Give us ten, would you?” The waitress’ glance passed between them and a subtle smile came to her lips. After she left, Neil cleared his throat. Janet sensed him screwing up his courage. At last, he said, “I suppose you’re wondering what’s going on?”