We Shouldn't

by Vi Keeland

  No, she doesn’t. I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

  “You know what sorry does?”

  I looked up and met her angry eyes. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  The door slammed in my face before I could say another word.

  Chapter 38

  * * *

  December 1st

  Dear Me,

  We’re pregnant.

  Not exactly what we’d planned, huh?

  It’s a long story, but it happened when we went to Minnetonka with Mom two months ago. Remember the cute guy we met at the bar when we snuck out after Mom went to sleep?

  Yup. That’s him.

  He seemed like such a nice guy.

  Until we showed up at his house to tell him we were pregnant two weeks ago, and…

  …his wife answered the door.

  His wife! The jerk had said he didn’t even have a girlfriend!

  We haven’t told Mom yet. She’s not going to be happy.

  The only person in the world who knows is Bennett. The day after I told him, he drove home for the weekend to make sure we were okay. We pretended to be. But we’re not, really.

  I secretly wish we were carrying Bennett’s baby. He’d be so good to us and such a good dad. I really do love him—different than the way best friends should love each other.

  This poem is dedicated to Lucas or Lilly.

  Thunder breaks above

  dark clouds gather in the sky

  sun will shine someday

  This letter will self-destruct in ten minutes.

  Anonymously,

  Sophie

  Chapter 39

  * * *

  Bennett

  It felt like a marching band had taken up residence inside my skull.

  The dull pounding ratcheted up to full-on percussion jam session anytime I attempted to raise my head from the pillow.

  What the hell did I drink last night?

  And what time is it?

  I felt around my nightstand for my phone, but it wasn’t there. Rolling over, I pried one eye open and met a stream of light coming in through the blinds.

  God. I shielded my eyes. That fucking hurts.

  I forced myself from bed, went to the bathroom, and grabbed three Tylenol from the medicine cabinet, swallowing them down dry. On my way back, I found my cell on the floor in the bedroom, next to the clothes I’d worn yesterday.

  8:45. Shit. I needed to haul my ass into the office. Yet I climbed back into bed. The Tylenol needed to kick in before I could do that. I swiped my phone with the intention of shooting off an email to Jonas to let him know I’d be late, but instead I found a bunch of missed calls.

  Two from Fanny this morning, and three from Annalise last night.

  What the hell does Fanny want? It was never a good thing when she called.

  I was just about to hit ignore when pieces of last night started to creep back, little by little.

  Too much scotch.

  Uber.

  Showing up at Lucas’s house and groveling to Fanny.

  Calling Annalise from the curb in front of Fanny’s.

  I shut my eyes. Jesus Christ.

  I’d woken her up to apologize.

  And to tell her I thought she was beautiful.

  And smart.

  And funny.

  And…

  That I’d wanted to fuck her wearing a cowboy hat and heels since the first time she stomped her sexy little ass into my office and pushed back.

  Fuck.

  I spent the next few minutes taking some relaxing breaths that didn’t work, and then hit Call Back on Annalise’s missed call. I needed to apologize before I dealt with Fanny.

  She answered on the first ring. “How are you feeling this lovely morning?”

  I groaned. “Like I got run over by a steamroller and the bastard refused to back up and finish the job.”

  She laughed. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay. I was starting to get worried. I figured you wouldn’t be much in the mood for your morning run, but nine o’clock is like mid-day for you.”

  “Yeah.” I rubbed my free hand over my face. “Listen. I’m sorry about last night.”

  “It’s okay. No biggie. I booty-called you last week. You’re entitled to a free drunk dial or two.”

  I half smiled. “Thanks. Can you do me a favor and let Jonas know I’ll be in late? Say I’m working from home this morning to finish up the Star presentation or something.”

  “Sure. Of course.”

  “Thanks.”

  After I hung up, I listened to the voicemail from Fanny. Not surprisingly, she wasn’t half as understanding as Annalise seemed to be. But I needed to get my ass-kicking over with. So I hit Call Back on her name next, hoping maybe she wouldn’t answer.

  No such luck.

  Fanny bawled me out for a solid five minutes without taking a breath.

  “You want to apologize to someone, apologize to Lucas.”

  I shut my eyes. “I woke him?”

  “You sure did. And apparently the little sneak was listening. He wanted to know what you’d done wrong that you were apologizing for.”

  Fuck. “What did you tell him?”

  “I told him to go back to bed and we’d talk about it after school today.”

  “You can’t, Fanny. That can’t come from you. He needs to hear it from me.”

  “Then I guess you’ll be having a conversation with him real soon.”

  I raked my fingers through my hair. “He’s too young. It’ll hurt him too much.”

  “Should have thought about that eight years ago, shouldn’t you? Maybe you would’ve paid a little more attention.”

  “Fanny…”

  “I’ll let him know you’ll be having a talk with him when you see him next weekend.”

  “But—”

  She interrupted again. “And if you don’t, I will.”

  Click.

  Chapter 40

  * * *

  Bennett

  “Good luck.”

  Annalise had her hands full, so I opened the conference room door.

  “Thanks.” She set her presentation materials down on the long table. “Even though I’m sure you don’t really mean it.”

  I smiled a genuine smile for the first time in days. I actually did mean it, even though I wished I didn’t. Shit would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t want to see her succeed.

  I’d just finished my final presentation to Star, and their team had taken a break while I cleaned up my stuff and Annalise set up for her turn.

  “How did it go?” she asked.

  I’d hit it out of the park, but I didn’t want to rattle her. Instead of gloating like my normal obnoxious self would, I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

  She squinted at me. “Just okay?”

  I looked at the clock. “They’re not coming back for another twenty minutes. You want to do a dry run on me?”

  “You mean show you my concepts?”

  “Sure.” I shrugged. “My turn’s over. I can’t steal any of your ideas, even if I wanted to.”

  Annalise chewed on her bottom lip. “Sure. Why not? I’m not usually so nervous, but for some reason, this one is freaking me out a little.”

  She set up her boards and walked me through her presentation. I looked on, mesmerized by how she started out with such visible nerves, yet managed to plow through to deliver a kick-ass presentation. My gut told me her concepts weren’t going to go over as well as mine had, but I wanted to boost her ego, not shred it, so I complimented her.

  “Nice job. Your colors brought in a familiarity from their parent company, yet you created an entirely new identity for Star.”

  She stood a little taller. So I kept going.

  “And I like the tagline. The play on the words is smart, too.”

  “Thank you.” Annalise started to look suspicious, so I scaled back the flattery to something more my usual style.

  “Your ass also looks phenomenal in th
at skirt.”

  She rolled her eyes, but I caught the little grin she tried to hide. I’d done my job here. Her shaky confidence had been firmed.

  Jonas walked into the conference room. “You all ready, Annalise?”

  She looked over at me, and then to Jonas, with a smile. “Sure am.”

  On the way out of the conference room, I leaned over to whisper some parting thoughts to my nemesis. “How about a little wager? I win, you’ll bend over my desk later. You win, you’ll get on your knees under mine.”

  “Gee, what a prize for me.”

  I smiled. “Good luck, Texas.”

  ***

  Later in the day, Jonas knocked on my open office door. “Got a minute?”

  I tossed my pencil on the desk, glad for the distraction. My concentration had been shit all afternoon. “Come on in.”

  He closed the door behind him—not something Jonas did often. Taking a seat in the chair on the other side of my desk, he let out a big sigh.

  “How long have we known each other now? Ten years?”

  I shrugged. “About that.”

  “In all that time, I’ve never seen you as stressed as you’ve been the last week or two.”

  He was right about that. My damn neck ached from tension, even when I woke up in the morning.

  “There’s a lot at stake.” Way more than this competition was ever supposed to be about.

  Jonas nodded. “That’s why I’m telling you this in confidence today. I owe it to you to put you out of your misery as soon as possible, after how hard you’ve worked for me all these years.”

  What was he getting at? “Okay…”

  He smiled half-heartedly. “I spoke to the team at Star before they left a little while ago. They’re going with your campaign. It was the unanimous choice of the entire team.”

  I should’ve felt like high fiving and celebrating, but instead the victory felt hollow. I forced a happy smile. “That’s great.”

  “That’s not the only good news. Billings Media has also unofficially told me they plan to run with your pitch. They also reached out to our CEO and let him know they’d been impressed with your work over the years. I didn’t ask them to do that, either. They did it on their own because you work hard.”

  “Wow. Okay.”

  “I don’t think I need to tell you what this means. The board is going to formally vote on all of the senior management staffing restructures and terminations, but it’s just a formality at this point. You’ve won two out of three, so the third isn’t even necessary. You’re staying put, Bennett.” Jonas slapped his knee and used it as balance to get up. “Annalise will be transferred to the Dallas office. But we’ll wait until after the Pet Supplies presentations to break the news.”

  I rubbed the knot at the back of my neck. “Thanks for letting me know, Jonas.”

  He left the door open behind him on the way out.

  I’d won.

  Everything I’d wanted two months ago was mine for the keeping. Yet I couldn’t have felt more damn miserable. It made me question whether I ever really knew what I wanted to begin with. Because now I couldn’t imagine wanting anything that took Annalise a thousand miles away.

  An hour later, I was still staring off into space when Annalise came by with her jacket on. “Thank you for the dry run this afternoon. It made my presentation come off smoother.”

  I nodded. “No problem. Glad it went well.”

  Her lips curved in a dubious smile. “Sure you are. Anyway, I’m heading out to meet Madison at some Nepali restaurant—whatever that is. Are we still on for dinner tomorrow night?”

  I’d completely forgotten she was supposed to make me dinner at her place.

  “Sure. Sounds good.” It might be one of the last nights we have.

  Annalise dug her keys from her purse and tilted her head. “You okay?”

  “Fine. Just tired.”

  “Well, get some rest tonight.” She smirked. “Because you won’t be getting any at my place tomorrow.”

  Chapter 41

  * * *

  April 1st

  Dear Me,

  It’s time.

  These last few months since Lucas and I moved in with Bennett, I’ve been happier than I’ve been in my entire life. But this morning, watching Bennett laugh and play with Lucas finally made up my mind. We were already like a family in so many ways. Maybe he could love me back the way I love him?

  He just got a promotion at his new job—after only a year of working there. He’s more settled now.

  I have to at least try. Tell him how I’ve felt for so long now.

  What harm could it do?

  I can’t remember the last time I was this excited. Hopefully when I write next month, something life changing will have happened between Bennett and me.

  This poem is dedicated to Bennett.

  Two vines growing tall

  one wraps around the other tight

  Entwined or strangled

  This letter will self-destruct in ten minutes.

  Anonymously,

  Sophie

  Chapter 42

  * * *

  Bennett

  I couldn’t sleep again.

  Do you remember “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allan Poe? You probably read it in high school. No? Well, let me give you the short version. A dude kills another dude and stuffs his body under his floorboards. He keeps hearing the dead guy’s heartbeat from beneath the floor because of the guilt his conscience lays on him. Either that, or the guy is just nuts—I was never sure.

  Anyway, that’s me—with a slight modification. I’m living “The Smell-Tail Heart” by Bennett Fox. I tossed and turned half of the damn night, the scent of Annalise so heavy on my pillow that after two hours of trying to fall asleep, I got up and stripped the bed. I also grabbed a spare pillow I’d had stuffed in the back of my closet—one Annalise had never laid a finger on—and tossed the offending linens into the hall.

  Sniff-sniff

  Thump-thump.

  Lying on a bare mattress, using a pillow with no case, I still fucking smelled her. It couldn’t even be physically possible. But her scent hadn’t dimmed one bit. I beat the pillow with my fist to fluff it up.

  Thump-thump.

  Eventually, I got out of bed and searched the goddamn room. She had to have left a bottle of perfume somewhere. I pulled everything out of the nightstands, took a whiff of the bottle of odorless lube, and checked under the bed.

  No damn perfume.

  Sniff-sniff

  Thump-thump.

  ***

  The next morning, my ass dragged. At least it was Saturday so I didn’t have to go in to the office. Although I would have preferred that to the thought of talking to Lucas today. I had to be a sadist, or was it a masochist? I always confused those two. Regardless of what you called it, the timing seemed to be a fucked-up coincidence. I was about to hurt the two people in my life I actually gave a shit about.

  Fanny met me at the door with a scowl. I couldn’t have been more thrilled when she said nothing, slammed the door in my face, and screamed upstairs in her usual friendly manner.

  Lucas was his normal, happy-go-lucky self. He walked out, and we did our customary handshake.

  Then his nose scrunched up as he looked at me. “Are you sick or something?”

  “No. Why do you say that?”

  He hopped down the two steps of the porch in one giant leap. “You look like crud. And you showed up at the house in the middle of the night the other day, and you didn’t sound so good.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

  He shrugged. “Grandma said you wanted to talk to me about something.”

  I took a deep breath and let it out. “Yeah. We have to talk for a little while today.”

  After we loaded into my car and buckled, Lucas turned to check out the backseat. “No fishing rods?”

  I shook my head. “Not today, buddy. I want to take you somewhere.”
>
  He frowned. “Okay.”

  During the drive over to the boat harbor, I attempted to make small talk, but it all felt forced. My palms started to sweat as I parked. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to talk to him about his mother after all. He was still pretty young. Fanny probably had a price to keep her mouth shut. It might take the contents of my bank account, but at the moment, it seemed like a good investment. Putting it off would be best for Lucas—he’s still too young.

  Just as that thought crossed my mind, Lucas stretched his arms over his head in a giant yawn. His armpits were covered in hair.

  Yeah. Nice try. This was a discussion he’d probably deserved to have years ago, but I’d been too selfish.

  We pulled into the parking lot, and Lucas looked out the window at the Bay and nearby jetty. A few people were fishing off the rocks.

  “Where are we?” he asked. “Why didn’t we bring a pole?”

  “Because today is about listening. Come on, I want to show you some place.”

  We walked down the jetty. As we approached our destination, I started to hear the sound and smiled.

  “You hear that noise?” I asked.

  “Yeah. What is it?”

  “It’s called the Wave Organ. This was your mom’s favorite place to go when we were teenagers. She used to drag me here all the time.”

  The Wave Organ was a wave-activated acoustic sculpture located along the Bay. Made mostly from the rubble of a demolished cemetery, it looked more like ancient ruins than an art and music exhibit. Twenty-something PVC and concrete organ pipes were located throughout the carved granite and marble pieces, creating sound that came from the water movement beneath.

  Lucas and I took a seat on broken rocks across from each other and listened to the subtle sounds.