The Monstrous Memoirs of a Mighty McFearless

by Ahmet Zappa

  Okay, for those of you who don't know what a Bewilder Box is, I'll tell you. Bewilder Boxes are created for and used exclusively by monsters to keep their very most prized possessions safely hidden. Think of them as combination safes for monsters. No two are alike, and there's only one way to open a Bewilder Box. You have to know exactly where and in what sequence to touch its monster markings in order to open it. They're indestructible and impregnable otherwise. Bewilder Boxes are also creatively claw-manufactured by monster craftsmen named Loogos.

  My father was sitting at his desk under his stained-glass dragon window, looking through a magnifier, closely studying the markings on the box in total concentration. If he had discovered that we were spying on him, he'd probably have fed us to a gang of great white sharks.

  As time passed, Max and I got pretty bored watching our father tinkering around with the box. We were just about to call it quits when all of a sudden my father proved once again that he's a McFearless genius. He had cracked the box's creature code! The Bewilder Box yawned open, its top half sliding smoothly away to reveal the prize hidden inside. We couldn't wait to see what he was going to pull out of it.

  Sticking his fingers into the belly of the box, my father produced a scarlet diamond that was about the same size as Max's stupid marble. The look on my father's face was one of total astonishment as he lifted the diamond up into the moonlight. “Could it really be, after all this time?” he said.

  The second that the moon's rays touched the diamond's surface it began to glow as if it had caught on fire. “What strange forces are at work here? How did you find your way back into the hands of a McFearless? If, indeed, you are what I think you are, this can't be good.”

  “Minerva, keep your fingers crossed that Dad doesn't lock it back up inside the Bewilder Box before I get a chance to check it out,” Max whispered very quietly. “I wonder how much it's worth and what kind of monster originally owned it. Do you think it was a Grumplemiser's?”

  “No way, Grumplemisers normally have much bigger Bewilder Boxes and way bigger hoards to go in them,” I whispered back to Max. “Plus, they usually only like precious metals, not gems. So my guess would be that it originally belonged to a Krunkadillion. Don't you remember that Krunkadillions like to use precious stones as replacement teeth to feel prettier when looking in the mirror?”

  “Yeah, you're probably right, Mini. I forgot about Krunkadillions,” he admitted, sounding a little miffed that I was more likely correct than he was—which was very satisfying to me.

  Max and I freaked when our dad suddenly stood up from behind his desk and headed straight toward our hiding spot. We thought we'd been discovered. Our hearts were pounding. Thankfully, the legendary Manfred McFearless sped right on by us.

  I don't really trust her,” he said, shaking and chewing fearfully.

  Before he'd even finished his sentence, Ms. Monstranomicon was telling me what to do. Max nervously handed me the Bewilder Box, and I followed her instructions precisely. Once again, the lid slid smoothly open, and before I even had a chance to reach inside, Max had snatched the scarlet diamond for himself.

  “This is so amazing!” cried Max, staring at it like he was in a trance, befuddled by its beauty.

  “Let me see it too, Max,” I said.

  “Wait a second, if I'm the one who's going to get chewed on by that book, then I'm definitely looking at this diamond first,” Max whined.

  He did kind of have a point. So, like a good big sister, I reminded him of his deal and held up Ms. Monstranomicon. “Fine, jerk, but she's hungry and you don't want to keep her waiting, do you?” I hoped that Ms. Monstranomicon would hurt my brother a million times worse than she had hurt me.

  Max stuck his left hand out slowly toward Ms. Monstranomicon, and she shook ever so slightly in anticipation of a good meal. Gurgly stomach noises rumbled from somewhere down near her spine. I watched with a smile, knowing what sort of pain was in store for Max. Closer and closer he moved, until finally he placed his fingers between her brightly colored pages. Nothing happened at first, but then—slam!—Ms. Monstranomicon clamped herself shut and bit down hard. Max let out a scream that could've curdled blood, but to my surprise, he didn't pass out like I had done. Still, his eyes did fill with tears, and his hand immediately began swelling.

  “It feels awful, doesn't it, Max?” I couldn't resist a smile.

  “Arghh! Yeah, it kills. Oh, it stings so bad,” he moaned as he flapped his injured hand around.

  “I'm glad.”

  I didn't have much time to enjoy the humor in Max's agony, because in the distance we heard our father's voice: “Max? Minerva?” Max and I were busted.

  “We are in so much trouble, Max. There is no way we're going to get out of this one. Really ham up the fact that you're in pain, okay? If you pile it on thick enough, maybe we'll both escape his wrath.”

  “That won't be hard for me to do,” moaned Max. I almost felt bad for him for a second.

  “You should probably put the diamond back inside the box before Dad gets here,” I told him.

  Max attempted to place the diamond back inside the Bewilder Box, but his huge swollen hand kept getting in his way. I turned my head nervously toward the study entrance, watching for our father.

  “Hurry!” I said, hearing our father's bootheels clonking on the passageway floor as he speedily moved toward us. “Max, close it!” Max finally slid the Bewilder Box shut with his good hand. I quickly grabbed it from him and put it back where we had found it on the desk. Father exploded through the doorway, startling both of us.

  “Thank heavens you're all right,” he said as he slammed the door and locked it. “I went looking for you everywhere, and when I couldn't find you, I prayed that somehow you'd both be down here.” Max and I were stunned. Blood was smeared all over his shirt. “Children, help me barricade this door. Quickly, we don't have much time before they track my scent down and find their way in here.”

  The immediacy with which he spoke made us both instantly follow his orders and put a tremendous amount of fear into our hearts. We helped him pile as many things as we could grab against the door. “Why are you covered in blood? What's going on, Daddy?” I asked fearfully.

  “We're under attack. Monsters have somehow discovered our McFearless home and have come for us. I fought one of them upstairs with a can opener, and it sliced me with its claw. I counted only three of them—a foul-breathed Snargleflougasaurus, a gargantuanly overweight Glorch and a seriously sticky Moldren. I should be able to handle them all with no problem now that I'm in here with all my monsterminational gear.”

  “How can we help, Dad?” asked Max, his big swollen hand hanging useless by his side.

  “Listen to me. There is a trapdoor under my desk that leads down into a monster-proof room. I want you two to move my desk, grab the Monstranomicon and climb inside right now!” As he shouted instructions to us, my father ran to his monster-fighting arsenal at the far end of the room. He selected the weapons he thought he might need and suited up for battle. Max and I tried to move the desk, but it seemed like it weighed three hundred pounds. We couldn't push it even an inch.

  BAM! BAM!! BAM!!! BAM!!!!

  The menacing monsters had tracked us all down, and the door to the study was rocked by a flurry of powerful monster blows. Hammering claws raked at the stone door. It held fast, but it wouldn't for long. They wanted meat—McFearless meat—and the sounds of their jaws, hungrily chomping nothing, sent shivers down my spine.

  “Daddy, we can't move it by ourselves!” I screamed as the pounding intensified and the monsters began growling menacingly.

  “WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, MCFEARLESS. LET US IN. WE'RE ONLY GOING TO EAT YOU ALL UP,” bellowed the Snargleflougasaurus, the Glorch and the Moldren together. Their raspy monster voices sounded like an awful combination of fingernails being dragged down a chalkboard and the unbearable gurgling moo of a cow speared through its middle.

  “OPEN THE DOOR! WE PROMISE NOT TO SUCK YO
UR DELICIOUS BRAINS OUT THROUGH YOUR NOSE AND INTO OUR STARVING BELLIES. WE SWEAR WE WON'T GOBBLE YOU DOWN WITHOUT DRINKING ALL YOUR BLOOD FIRST. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE US, MCFEARLESS!” They spat out the words and growled some more.

  Our father helped us push the desk just far enough for us to gain access to the trapdoor in the floor. He grabbed its latch and lifted it open. The small room was pitch-black, with a ladder leading into what seemed to me an unwelcoming, claustrophobic black hole. Max and I for sure didn't want to go in there without him. No way!

  “Minerva, Max, listen to me! That room is only big enough for the two of you and the Monstranomicon. It is protected by every charm the McFearless family has ever successfully used on a monster. You will be perfectly safe down there. Once you get inside, I'll say the proper magic words to seal you in. Now, listen closely. After I do that, the door can be opened only from the inside. So no matter what you hear, or think you hear, no matter how badly you want to open that door, do not. Under no circumstances are you to open that door until sunrise tomorrow. The monsters will have to leave under the cover of night. They hate the sun. It burns their evil eyes and fries their fearsome flesh. Do you understand me, children?” We nodded. “Even if it sounds like I'm begging you to do it, do not open that door, not until the sun has come up. Promise me!” commanded our father.

  “No, Daddy, please come with us. Don't leave us, please, Daddy, please!” I'm ashamed to say now that I wasn't very brave in that moment of crisis.

  BAM! BAM!! BAM!!! BAM!!!! The door wasn't going to hold much longer. Ms. Monstranomicon was screaming her pages out. She was terrified, so my dad scooped her up and handed her to me.

  “Promise me,” he said again.

  “I promise, Dad,” said Max.

  “No, I won't do it, not without you, Daddy,” I begged.

  “We don't have time to argue about this, Minerva. Go with the Monstranomicon down into the monster-proof room now!”

  “Okay, fine. I'll do it,” I sobbed, and reluctantly did as I was told. I climbed down into darkness, holding my whimpering book friend against my chest.

  “Okay, Max. Your turn!” our father said.

  Because of Max's swollen hand, my dad had to help him a little. He was halfway down the ladder when my father tried to give him the Bewilder Box.

  “Here, Max. I want—” began my father, but he was violently interrupted, and I saw the whole terrible thing.

  From directly above him came an eardrum- shattering howl full of rage. The stained-glass dragon window over my father's head exploded and a sea of multicolored glass showered down upon him, lacerating him from head to toe. Then he was struck to the ground by a blow to his head. The Bewilder Box went flying and so did Max, in the opposite direction. Max landed with a thud at my feet, and the Bewilder Box landed somewhere above us. The wind was knocked out of Max when he hit the ground, and his left shoulder was bleeding where pieces of glass had cut him.

  When I looked up at the opening of the trapdoor, a pair of huge, evil yellow eyes surrounded by matted, lice-ridden, musty fur stared down at me. A dark crusty snout snorted up our scent. Saliva-slathered lips stretched back in a sneer to reveal a set of brown-stained, razor-sharp teeth. I recognized the fiend from the pages of the Monstranomicon. It was the Howleewoof.

  “So you're the last of the mighty McFearlesses, and I see that you have that traitor of a monster with you,” said the Howleewoof in Monstrosity. “I can't wait to tell my master that she's still alive after all these years. He'll be so delighted to have her back. I'm sure he'll reward me with a nice human hat made from all your uneaten, leftover fleshy bits.” The Monstranomicon let out a shriek and cried into my arms, her tears smudging the ink on her pages. I tried to pull the collar of my sweater over my nose to keep from choking on the disgusting stench of the Woof's breath. “How sweet, she likes you—but she's going to miss you. Because once I've finished chomping the legs off your father, I'm going to slow-cook you and your scrawny brother in a giant pot for my creature comrades. They haven't had my children con carne since the last blood moon, and I make it so demonically delicious.” Max and I held each other more tightly than we'd ever done before. We didn't want to die such a horrible death. “I'm going to chop you up into tiny chunky pieces of little girl meat and you into little boy—”

  The Howleewoof never got to finish its terrifying tirade. My dad clobbered it over the head with his desk chair and then slammed the trapdoor shut on us.

  “Remember what I told you: wait for the sun. I love you both dearly,” were his final, muffled words. The hole was pitch-black. How would we see the sunrise?

  Then our father recited a strange incantation and the door above us clanged as it locked. Max and I tried to figure out what was happening in my father's fiendish fight. We heard the splintering sounds of the barricaded door to my father's study being bashed down, and our hearts sank. It was now four against one. We heard swords clashing against claws and howls of monster pain. Monster moans, loud bruising bangs from furniture being thrown about and the savage shouts my father gave before attacking all made their way to our terrified ears. Some sounds were clearer than others, but there was no mistaking the final thud of our father's fall. Max, the Monstranomicon and I sobbed and feared the worst when malevolent monster laughter exploded through the sudden silence.

  “WE'RE COMING FOR YOU NOW, CHILDREN!” Now that they had finished off my father, they came thundering toward the trapdoor above our cowering heads. But sadly for the monsters, becoming monster food was not our destiny. My father hadn't been wrong about our little hole in the floor. Every inch of it was covered with powerful charms and protective talismans to ward off any evil that might ever try to enter. Each time one of the ferocious fiends tried to touch the trapdoor, its skin caught on fire. Furious howls of searing pain flew from their murdering mouths, and they stomped around in agony.

  “OPEN THE DOOR!” They shouted and raged, throwing things into walls and smashing things with their fists.

  No matter what they did or tried, we were safe. Our father had made us safe. Max and I hugged each other and waited for a sign of sunlight.

  strain our ears. I detected no movement above us and no sounds of anything at all. Max and I were alone. “There's sunlight coming down here, and Dad did say that sunlight was a monster's burning enemy. So it stands to reason that we're safe, at least for the time being. Don't you think, Max?”

  “Yeah, I guess, but how did that door get opened, Mini? I thought Dad said it could only be opened from the inside,” said Max, worried.

  “He did say that, yes. But if you didn't do it and I didn't do it, then who did?” I wondered aloud.

  “It was Dad. It had to have been him. Right, Mini?” Max said. “I mean, who else could possibly have known about this room and how to get the trapdoor open?”

  “Well, let's hope so,” I said, crossing my fingers. “Daddy? Daddy, are you up there?” I shouted. There was no answer.

  “Dad, are you okay? Is it safe for us to come out?” hollered Max.

  We called out again and again. But no answers floated back to us. That was when I realized a couple of things that freaked me out even worse than before:

  The Monstranomicon was missing. I found it highly improbable that she could have opened up that trapdoor, let alone managed to crawl across the ground and climb up a ladder all by herself.

  After staring at Max for like a million seconds (well, not really, because that would mean I had to stare at him for 278 hours, and I didn't), I realized that his hand wasn't swollen and he had no cuts or bruises on his body anywhere. And there wasn't even a drop of blood.

  What was going on here?

  “Why are you looking at me like that, Minerva?” asked Max.

  “What did you do, Max?” I said accusingly.

  “What do you mean, Minerva? What are you talking about?”

  “How is it that you've healed yourself so fast, and where has the Monstranomicon gone?” I demanded.

  “Uh
… I don't know,” replied a very nervous Max. “I didn't realize I was all better until you said something about it, Minerva.”

  “Interesting. What, then, do you think happened in the middle of the night while we both slept?” I stared Max right in the eyes.

  “Stop looking at me like that,” begged Max. “Minerva, I swear, I don't know. All I remember is falling off the ladder and hitting the ground. My whole body felt sore and both of my hands were covered in blood. Oh, and I lost the diamond down here somewhere.”

  “What do you mean you lost the diamond?” I asked, shocked. “You took the strange diamond from the Bewilder Box?”

  Max nodded.

  “But I saw you put it back inside.” Max was even sneakier than I had ever imagined him to be.

  “Nope, I swapped it with my trusty marble. I thought the diamond was ten times more amazing, so I borrowed it. When I fell, I dropped it. It's not like it could've gone far in this tiny room. Help me look for it?”

  Rowl.

  Before I could answer him and help in the search, an animal-like sound came from above and interrupted us. “Max, what was that?” I said, a little stunned.

  “Rowly, rowl,” it came again.

  “I don't know, but let's check it out,” Max said, and pointed at the ladder.

  “Grrr, hum!” came the sound once more.

  “All right, but let's stay close together,” I said, trying to sound as tough as I could. With Max behind me, we cautiously climbed the ladder.

  The study was in shambles, and there was no sign of our father or our aggressive attackers from the night before anywhere. It was the biggest mess I'd ever seen. And sitting atop a prominent pile of my father's pulverized possessions was an odd- looking, one-eyed, grayish something-or-other, with a white-tipped tail, wearing a top hat and holding a fancy wooden cane in one of its little clawed paws.