Affairs & Atonements

by Cartharn, Clarissa

  “I love you,” he said, paling from the realization that she was trying to end things between them.

  “I just remembered I never congratulated you on your engagement,” she mumbled. “I wish you and Naomi the best.” She choked back her sobs. “I have to go. I have chores to complete.”

  She raced out of the stables before he could try and stop her again. She had loved him to death and then she had hated him to it. It hurts, she put a palm over her heart. It hurts so much.

  *****

  He leaned back tiredly against the stall door, watching her walk out on him. He knew she wouldn’t have stopped even if he had tried. She had made up her mind about them and no amount of persuasion would have convinced her of how much he loved her.

  She kept running from him, distancing herself from him. He was drained off all strength to follow her any more. He was only a man with limitations. How much more was he to do to assure her that there never would be any woman for him but her?

  He stood there thinking for a long time, imagining a life without her. And it hurt. It hurt real bad.

  *****

  “Hey buddy,” he said as he entered the kitchen.

  The boy was seated on a chair, playing with the baby squirrel they had rescued two weeks ago.

  “Well, look at that.” He admired the little rodent nibbling delightfully on a tiny pine nut. “Hasn’t he picked up?”

  “Can you tell how old he is now?” JR asked solemnly.

  “Most definitely six to seven weeks.” He leaned closer to brush the squirrel’s fur with his fingers. “His tail is a lot thicker since we found him and he’s beginning to take on solids. He’s quite active as well. But keep him on formula for at least another four weeks, although you can wean him off it slowly after the next two weeks.”

  “I wish you were here to help me,” JR said sadly.

  “I wish I were here too, son.” He put an arm around his shoulder, comforting him. Here was where he wanted to be, but how could he do that if Christy never wanted him in her life anymore? Perhaps, Chad came with much lesser complications. He had seen how affectionate they had been yesterday. They had wanted to be alone, turning down Naomi’s offer to join them at the park. How had they spent the day? Where had they been?

  “Do you have to go?” JR asked, brushing the squirrel’s fur glumly.

  “I’ve got to go back to work. But we can stay in touch through video phone. And when you get the chance, you can always visit me.”

  JR perked his lips thoughtfully. “Yeah, I suppose.”

  “You don’t want to visit me?”

  “I do. But I don’t like the thought of leaving Mom and Margaret alone.”

  Ashton sighed. He didn’t like the idea either.

  “Are you really getting married to Naomi?”

  Ashton immediately read the hope in his eyes, the hope that it wouldn’t be Naomi but his mother he would marry. He swallowed nervously. He didn’t want to disappoint the boy, but until he spoke to Naomi, that was how it was going to be.

  “Is it okay if I did?” It was the safest answer he could think of. However a question for a question really answered nothing at all.

  JR shrugged. “I guess.”

  Naomi’s heels clicked against the wooden floors of the kitchen, breaking their moment together. “We have to go, babe.”

  Ashton glanced down at the squirrel and patted its head. “Goodbye, Rusty.” He then ruffled JR’s hair. “Are you going to walk me to the cab?”

  The boy rose up gloomily. Ashton tugged him closer to his side as they walked towards the door, his arm wrapped protectively around his small shoulders.

  *****

  “Margaret.” Ashton gave out his hand to shake hers.

  She took it with a small smile. “Take care. And I hope you have a wonderful wedding. Naomi is a beautiful girl.” She gave a little nod towards the woman in the distance giving directions to the cab driver.

  “Yeah,” he said slowly.

  “Thanks for all you’ve done for us, Ashton. I want you to know how grateful I am of your help.”

  “It was nothing, Margaret.”

  “It was something.” She insisted. “And don’t you think any less of it. In the time you’ve spent with us, you’ve encouraged us to push on with Lily Grove. I had begun to wonder if we’d ever cope with the new competitions springing up around us. I was scared we’d have to give her up if we couldn’t.”

  He smiled and looked over towards the family quarters. She had retreated into it and he hadn’t seen her at all again since their encounter in the stables an hour ago.

  Margaret observed him quietly for a brief while. “She’ll be fine too. She just needs some time. She is a strong one, that girl. She always manages to make everything okay.”

  “Take care of her for me?”

  She nodded and wound her arm around his elbow, strolling alongside him towards the car. “Life is hard and when you come to those crossroads, those ones that put you into a quandary as to which path to take… I’ve learnt that I know I’ve made the right one when my heart is at peace. The anguish leaves your mind, the stress flees your body and your life is finally free from the torture you’re causing it.” She took in a deep breath. “Ahh, the fresh breeze of Puyallup. That helps too.” She turned to him and smiled. “We will miss you.”

  *****

  Christy sat on an exposed root of the old oak tree, staring up at the branches anchoring the treehouse that her brother and her husband had built together a week ago. Ashton had finally managed to finish it before leaving, pulling in extra hours to have it completed and beautiful.

  “The boys did a good job at it,” Margaret said, slumping down beside her. “Ashton’s got quite a talent with woodwork. I don’t know why he doesn’t do it more.”

  “He’s an advertising executive. That’s what he wants to do.”

  “I’d bet he’d be happier doing something he loves.”

  Christy perked her lips thoughtfully. Ashton loved his highly paid career. It was why he went back to Philadelphia rather than stay with his son in Puyallup. Sure he had told her he loved her and he knew how she felt about him too. But it of course wasn’t enough to tell his beautiful model girlfriend about them. Ashton didn’t want to live in a small town and run a lodge. He wanted the exciting life that came with a great job in the big city and rich social circles. He had fled a small town like Bennett. Why would he want to return to another small town?

  She was right when she had brought their silliness to an end. She and Ashton would never have survived as a couple. It was hard enough for JR to see his father leave. Witnessing both his parents bicker and quarrel each day would have broken his little heart.

  “I can’t believe I miss him already.” Margaret sighed, looking up admiringly at the treehouse.

  “He didn’t want to stay.”

  “I think he did. He just needed a good enough reason to.”

  “Isn’t his son a good enough reason?”

  “Yes. But if he has the option of his son joining him in Philadelphia, why would he want to stay in Puyallup?”

  Christy bowed her head, biting her lower lip as she picked at the tree-root. “We’re very different, Margaret. We were fighting to be together. If we were meant to be, we wouldn’t have the need to try so hard.”

  Margaret pulled in a deep breath and picked up an acorn from the ground. “I don’t think I could ever tire of this place. Did you know Puyallup was where I first met Evan? We were young and totally in love. Within three months, I had moved in with him. And in six, we were fighting like cats and dogs. One night, I packed my bags and left. As much as I loved Evan, I couldn’t take any more of the bickering. I spent the night with my friend, Olivia. She was recently divorced and I admired her for walking out on her own ‘dead marriage’, as she called it. While I sat down on her beautiful lounge, pouring my heart out to her, she told me something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. She said, “Marge, if I had fought half as much as you had f
or my relationship, I’d probably still be married today.”” She shook her head with a light chuckle. “That woman certainly knew how to surprise you with her own little nuggets of wisdom. But that was my epiphany. I realized that while it had been easy for Evan and me to celebrate those things that bound us together as a couple, we weren’t too willing to work at respecting our differences, our individualities. I went back to Evan the next day and we began working at staying together harder than we ever did. And well, we soon discovered that once we could enjoy our differences, the staying became quite easy. In fact, we loved our marriage more because we could hold on to our individualities.”

  Christy leaned her head against the older woman’s shoulders. “But I’m too tired to fight any more, Margaret.”

  Margaret patted her knee, comforting her. “It’s absolutely fine to take a break, honey. If it was meant to be, he’ll be right there waiting for you, ready for another fight; another chance.”

  CHAPTER 21

  “Oh my God.” Naomi let out a tired puff of air as she threw down her bags and collapsed into the nearest chair. “It’s so good to be home. I’ve never been so desperate to get back.”

  Ashton pulled in their luggage into the living room and then rifled through the mail he had collected on his way into the house.

  “Oh, put that away.” Naomi complained. “We’ve just got back. Whatever it is, I’m sure we can look at it later.”

  “There might be something important,” he mumbled, his head lowered as he pretended to read through his mail while ambling over to his study.

  He tightened his lips into a hard, thin line. How should he tell Naomi that he didn’t love her? That he never had. When was it ever the right time to break-up with someone who had spent three years of her life with him? When she was happy and in a mood to cope with the tragedy of it? Or when she was already depressed and sad? Perhaps, he could just slip his feelings for his wife somewhere into one of those times.

  He tossed his mail carelessly on his desk and collapsed into his chair. Massaging his temples, he wavered back and forth between his narrow options. Either way, he would hurt Naomi. The question was which would hurt her less.

  She knocked on his door and he straightened up immediately, pretending to be busy with his papers.

  “Ashton, are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yes. I’ve just got a load of work to catch-up to,” he replied, trying to avoid looking at her.

  She stood quietly in the centre of the room, watching him.

  “Are you missing them?” she asked slowly.

  He pulled open his draw to look for something. Something like what? He frowned, searching intensely for nothing.

  “JR is my son. Of course, I would miss him,” he muttered.

  She hadn’t meant JR and he hoped she wouldn’t delve deeper into the reasons of his moodiness right now.

  And thankfully she didn’t when she said, “I’m gonna go take a bath.”

  He mumbled a tiny acknowledgement as he continued to sort through his papers. She moved around his desk and wrapped her arms around his shoulders.

  “Why don’t you join me? I’d be pretty lonely in that great big tub.” She battered her mascara-filled eye lashes.

  “Not now, Naomi. I really need to get these done,” he replied curtly. He had successfully avoided any intimacy since her arrival in Puyallup. But how longer would he be able to keep up with his pretences before she discovered something was amiss?

  She let out a sigh and gave him a small kiss on his temple. He ripped open one envelope and pretended to be engrossed with its contents. She strolled away towards the door and then gave him one last glance before disappearing out of it.

  *****

  Naomi gripped the stem of her wine glass, her gaze focused intently on the red liquid she was swirling in it.

  “Why don’t you just break it off?” Susan Briskey said as she plopped down across her with her own glass of wine. “If Ashton’s no longer interested in you, there is no reason why you should continue on with your relationship.”

  Naomi shook her head and took in a long gulp of her drink. “I’ve given three years of my life to that man. I chased him for a year before he finally conceded to a relationship. It took a “we’ll take it a day at a time” to have him finally agree to date me. I can’t give up on us after all that work.”

  “But he doesn’t love you, Naomi. It is clear he wants his wife back. And from what you’ve told me, it seems he had never stopped loving her. For god sakes, the man hasn’t touched you since Puyallup.”

  Naomi waved her hands, dismissing her. “It’s only momentary. I must do something to take away his focus from her. I must remind him of the wonderful things we have together.”

  “He has a son with his wife. How are you going to beat that?” The other woman snorted.

  “He may have a son with Christy, but he’s got a life with me. One he wouldn’t be able to get back if he left. Christy’s never going to leave Puyallup. If Ashton makes the mistake to leave all he’s worked for to manage that bed and breakfast, he will regret it. I know him. He loves the busyness of the city, the night life, the social circles, the parties, the dinners. He’s simply forgotten it in all his craziness for that woman.”

  “If you say so.” Susan shrugged.

  “I’ve just got to make him realize what he is doing. Some way, somehow…” She trailed off into her thoughts.

  The woman across her shifted nervously in her chair.

  Naomi had known Susan for most of her modeling career, becoming instant friends more than ten years ago during an assignment. Susan was often the first person she turned to whenever she was in a spot of trouble or contention.

  She glanced up at her. She was a striking red-head today. Her heart-shaped face was much sought after. But it was her kindness and compassion that often won over the people around her.

  “Why are you clinging on to him?” her friend asked, leaning towards her. “You aren’t a desperate person. You know as well as I do that if he doesn’t love you the way he should, it would be better if you’d let him go. If you think he loves you, he will come back to you. If he doesn’t, he was never yours to begin with. There’s a lot of truth in the old maxim, Naomi.”

  She buried her head into her hands. “I can’t risk it, Su. I can’t do it. I can’t.”

  Susan rushed over to her side and gathered her into her arms.

  “I love him, Su,” Naomi sobbed. “I don’t know what I’d do without him. I’d be lost. I’d be so lost.”

  “No you won’t.” Susan comforted her. “You’ll be just fine. You only think that because he’s become a habit.”

  “No, no, no.” She shook her head vigorously.

  “Honey, it’s been two weeks and he’s still avoiding you. How long do you think he’s going to do that? Coming home late, pretending to be tired… these are excuses. You know that as well as I do. The next step would be for him to tell you it’s over. For your sake and your pride, do it before he does. Take it from me, because the latter hurts a whole goddamn more.”

  “I’m not giving up on him, Susan. I won’t.”

  Susan let out a tired, sympathetic breath as she rubbed her back in an effort to try and release her pain.

  *****

  He scrolled through the pictures on his phone. He smiled as his eyes ran over his son’s excited face, his head sticking out the window of his new treehouse. He remembered every contour of his small face. His finger slid onto the next picture and he stopped. He had taken this one secretly. Christy hated him taking any photographs of her. And so once while she was busily brushing Sophie’s coat and chatting away to the animal, he had quickly pulled out his phone and captured her smile. She had looked radiant and he missed the way in which she would tilt her head to speak to him. How she frowned when she was mad. Her kiss, the smell of her skin… the taste of it…

  “How long are you going to do this?” Naomi remarked, catching him by surprise.

  He sw
itched the phone to his home page immediately. “Do what?”

  “Puyallup,” she replied curtly. “When are you going to forget that dreaded place and come back home?”

  Her voice was stressed and he could understand why. It was two weeks since they had left Puyallup and he was still trying to find the right moment to tell her it was over.

  “My son’s there. He’s my family.”

  “Family? And what about me, Ashton? What about us?”

  He tucked his phone into his pocket. “I might have to go to the office. I won’t be back until much later.”

  “It’s Sunday, Ashton. Since when have you started working on Sundays?”

  He ran his hand through his hair. He should tell her. Now was the time. She was right. He couldn’t do this anymore.

  “I love you, Ashton.” She burst into sobs. “Why are you doing this to me? What have I done to deserve this? Why… don’t you love me anymore?”

  He palmed his face from the emotional exhaustion he was putting them through. Do it. I’ve got to do it now. I can’t drag it on like this.

  “Naomi, I’ve got to tell you something.”

  She paled. “No… please no.”

  “Please, Naomi, let me just say this.”

  She ran up to him and clutched his shirt angrily. “I love you. We’re supposed to get married. Everyone expects it.”

  “Naomi, you know it isn’t going to happen.”

  “You worked so hard for your career. You love your job.”

  “Not as much as my family, Naomi.”

  “Family!”she screamed. “They can’t be your family as much as me! Come to your senses, Ashton. You’ve only just met your son a month ago. And how much do you know of your so-called wife? Are you going to give up everything you have for something you can’t even guarantee will ever work out?”

  “I have to at least try,” he muttered. She had facts. She had a point. “If I don’t, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.”