Cocktales

by The Cocky Collective

  “Perfect. Carter, Jim, and I will handle everything else.”

  “What exactly does everything else entail?” Carter asks.

  “Duh. Inviting people to our rave, dumbass,” Drew says with a roll of his eyes.

  “Do people still rave? Is this still a thing? I feel like this is not going to end well,” Liz says.

  “When has anything we’ve ever done not ended well?” Drew asks.

  We all start to open our mouths and he immediately holds his hands up in the air.

  “Never mind. Don’t answer that. This won’t be like any of those other times, I swear. We’re going to show all these other old ass people what it’s like to have fun again. Get your crotchety, wrinkled old asses moving, and we’ll meet back here in three hours.”

  We all push ourselves up from our chairs and as everyone else disperses, Carter slips his hand into mine and pulls me up against him.

  “If we die today, I hope you know how much I love you,” he tells me with a smile, leaning down and kissing the tip of my nose.

  Even after all these years together, this man still gives me butterflies.

  “We’re not going to die today. Didn’t you hear Drew’s prophecy? We’re not dying for a good twenty more years after an intense game of Metamucil pong,” I remind him.

  “STOP MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC BEFORE I PUKE, FUCKERS! LET’S GO! TIME’S A WASTING! WE’VE GOT SHIT TO FUCK UP AND POOR CHOICES TO MAKE!” Drew shouts from over by the door that leads into the main section of condos.

  “Scratch that. We’re probably going to die today,” I mutter as Carter and I pull apart and make our way over to the building.

  “Oh, my. There are a lot of...all I see is...there are so many...”

  “It’s okay, Kevin. You can say it,” Liz states, patting poor Kevin on the back as he stares around the party room at the retirement facility in a state of shock. “Here a cock, there a cock, everywhere a cock-cock.”

  I can’t help it, I let out a giggle when Liz says cock-cock. It feels good to giggle. It makes me feel young. It makes me feel like I can do anything.

  As soon as I remember how legs work.

  “Why does every gentleman in this room have...a problem in his pants?” Kevin asks in the nicest way possible as Mr. Schumacher walks by and gives us a wave.

  None of us wave back. Our eyes all immediately drop down to the giant tent in his pants that is sticking out, loud and proud.

  “Okay, the good news is, I threw away what was left of the chocolate chews. The bad news is, there were only three left out of the hundred I made,” Drew explains, rushing over to us as fast as his old bones will allow, wearing a t-shirt that says I fucked your grandmother last night.

  “Chocolate chews? Do I even want to ask what you put in those chocolate chews?” Kevin asks. “When I told you guys you could throw a small get-together today, I didn’t expect...whatever this is.”

  “DON’T YOU JUDGE ME, KEVIN!” Drew shouts. “I was trying to liven this boring place up! Put a little excitement back into everyone’s lives so it wasn’t just about napping and early bird dinners!”

  “Don’t yell at Kevin,” Jim scolds Drew. “Not all heroes wear capes. Kevin is a saint for being here with us every day, taking on the task of organizing fun activities, and making sure Mrs. Swanson doesn’t drive another golf cart into the lake. Corralling us old people isn’t easy. He’s doing the Lord’s work. You got too cocky with this party, Drew. It happens to the best of us.”

  “Please, will someone just explain why every man in this room has a giant bulge sticking out of the front of his pants?!” Kevin pleads, quickly wiping the panicked look off his face when another elderly gentleman that I recognize from bingo night walks by and smiles at him. “Lovely day we’re having, isn’t it, Mr. Jasper?”

  “Best day I’ve had since my prostate surgery five years ago, Kevin!” Mr. Jasper announces, pointing down at his boner proudly. “Has anyone seen my wife? I need her to take care of this.”

  Kevin lets out a nervous laugh and points over to the buffet table filled with all of the cupcakes, brownies, cookies, and cakes I threw together earlier, where Mrs. Jasper is currently filling up a plate.

  As soon as Mr. Jasper walks away, Drew lets out a sigh.

  “Jenny crushes up my Viagra and puts it into delicious things because I have trouble swallowing pills. I saw those stool softening chocolate chews this morning, did a little pill crushing and mushing the powder into chocolate chews when I got back to our condo, and came up with Chocolate and Cockup. I guess I didn’t think this plan through very well,” he explains.

  “Heh, heh, you can’t swallow,” I giggle.

  “I HAVE A SENSITIVE ESOPHOGUS, CLAIRE!” Drew complains loudly.

  “So, basically, all the men in this room are going to have massive erections while shitting their brains out. That should be fun,” Carter deadpans.

  All of this just makes me giggle even harder, which makes Liz look at me quizzically.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so giggly?”

  I try to smother my giggling by pressing my hand against my mouth, but I can’t contain it. Everything is so funny right now. Men are just wandering around the room with huge hard-ons. They’re standing in small circles, talking about their golf game, with huge hard-ons. They’re drinking punch and getting jiggy with it, with huge hard-ons.

  “Oh, my Jesus. You ate the pot brownies, didn’t you?” Liz suddenly asks. “You were supposed to just make them, not eat them. How many?”

  I shrug my shoulders and look up at her sheepishly from my chair.

  “I dunno. A few. Also, I don’t think I need my shoulders anymore.”

  “For fuck’s sake. Didn’t you learn your lesson when we were in our twenties and you licked the wall of Seduction and Snacks? You never eat more than one. NEVER! At your age, you should only eat a bite. And don’t even tell me you thought it wasn’t working, so you kept eating them. THAT’S EXACTLY HOW IT WORKS! Not high, not high, not high, oh, my God, I’m dying. You’re a grandmother! What would your grandchildren think right now?” Liz asks me with a shake of her head.

  “My grandchildren would think I’m the shit!” I tell her. “My doctor told me months ago that my blood glucose level was getting close to the diabetes territory. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since I’ve had real sugar? So, I licked the spoon when I made the brownies. And then I licked the beaters. And then the bowl. And I had to taste-test the actual batter with a few spoonfuls before that. And who the hell makes brownies and doesn’t try a few when they’re warm and gooey from the oven? Also, I think I might be paralyzed from the neck down.”

  Liz continues to shake her head at me, but she has to admit. This party has been a blast. We’re listening to loud music, and it’s not just the theme music from game shows on TV, and it’s not loud because half of the people in this room can’t hear it. It’s loud because we’re having fun. People are dancing. People are laughing. People are sneaking off to have sex all over this retirement community because the men overdosed on Drew’s Chocolate and Cockup. Mrs. Anderson ate three cupcakes and is telling everyone who will listen what a big penis Mr. Anderson had, complete with holding her hands in the air at least a foot apart. This wouldn’t be all that strange under normal circumstances, I guess, but Mr. Anderson died twenty years ago. Ever since I met her, all she does is cry whenever she mentions him. And now she’s smiling and laughing and making dick jokes. No one in this room is acting like they’re just sitting around waiting to die. They’re living.

  With huge cocks and medical marijuana highs.

  “Are you gonna shut our rave down, Kevin? It was just getting good,” Drew complains with a harrumph, crossing his arms in front of him.

  “No, I’m not shutting things down. But I am going to start handing out water to everyone, get the nurse in here to take some blood pressure readings, and make sure no one else eats any brownies,” Kevin informs us.

  “Or cupcakes, o
r cookies, or cakes,” I add.

  “You put it in everything?!” Kevin asks.

  “Liz got some good shit. A lot of good shit,” I shrug, with the shoulders I realize I actually do still need.

  Kevin mutters under his breath and then scurries off to save the day and make sure no one around here dies, just like always.

  “He’s a good man, that Kevin. Someone should nominate him for president,” Jim states.

  “You guys! Why are you all sitting over here in the corner? You’re missing all the fun!” Jenny says us as she joins us, waiving a large pink vibrator in her hand. “The vibrator races are just about to start over by the refreshment table.”

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” we all scream at the top of our lungs as Liz reaches over and snatches the vibrator out of her hand.

  “Will you guys calm down?” Drew huffs, wrapping his arm around Jenny’s shoulders. “I’m sure Jenny isn’t conducting those kind of vibrator races this time, are you honey?”

  Back in our younger days, we attended a charity function where Jenny entered a vibrator race contest. You were supposed to pick your weapon of choice, set it down on a homemade racetrack next to a bunch of other contestants, turn it on, and then whosever vibrator made it down the track first, won. Our dear Jenny thought vibrator race meant you had to stick the thing down your pants and whoever finished first, won.

  That’s definitely something none of us wanted to witness back when we were in our twenties. Seeing that shit now, in a room filled with elderly people, would definitely kill everyone, and then Kevin’s life would be ruined.

  “You guys have such little faith in me,” Jenny says with a shake of her head, pulling out from under Drew’s arm. “We’re doing the vibrator races the way they are supposed to be conducted. By putting them in your mouth and whoever gives the best blow job, wins!”

  Jenny turns and makes her way back over to the refreshment table while we all stare after her.

  “So, it looks like a lot more of our neighbors will be getting dentures today after they chip all their teeth,” Jim muses, pushing himself up from his chair and turning to hold out his hand to Liz. “Let’s go, my love. It will be fun. I’m sure there will be lots of blood. You like blood and pain when it’s happening to other people.”

  With a sigh, Liz grabs his hand and laces her fingers through his.

  “If someone whips out their dentures and I get hit with them, I will murder you in your sleep,” she warns him as Jim gives her a kiss on the cheek.

  They amble over to the now growing crowd around the refreshment table, listening to Jenny give instructions. When they’re gone, Drew turns to Carter and me.

  “Thank you guys for your help today. It really means a lot to me that you would do all of this. I just...it means a lot. We’ve been friends for a long time. Jesus, over fifty years. I know sometimes I can be over the top, but I just wanted us to have fun. I just wanted a day where we could remember what it was like to be young again,” he tells us with a smile.

  “Awww, buddy, look at you being all sweet and emotional in your old age. It’s the stool softener, isn’t it? A good daily poop just puts you in a better mood,” Carter laughs, giving him a pat on the back.

  “I HAVE A BOGGY PROSTATE, AND IT GIVES ME CONSTIPATION!” Drew shouts, punching my husband in the arm before turning and walking over to the vibrator races that have just begun, going by the shouting and screaming we hear on the other side of the room.

  Once he’s gone and it’s just Carter and me left, my husband grabs both of my hands and gently pulls me up from my chair, wrapping his arms around my waist. I press my hands against his chest and look up at him with a smile, knowing that even with age, a few wrinkles, and a full head of salt and pepper hair, he’s still the handsomest man in the room, and I’m lucky that he still puts up with me after all these years.

  “I have a surprise for you,” Carter says with a mischievous smile, removing one of his arms from around me to reach into the front pocket of his pants.

  He fishes around for a second and then pulls his hand out, holding it palm up in between us.

  “Oh, my God. Is that a Chocolate and Cockup?” I ask with a laugh when I see the little chocolate chew sitting in the middle of his hand.

  “I confiscated one right before Drew threw what was left away. So, what do you think, Mrs. Ellis? Wanna go sneak off somewhere and have some crazy, young people sex for a few hours?” he asks with a wag of his eyebrows.

  “I love you so much. And I would like nothing more than to go find somewhere quiet and have some crazy, young people sex with you.”

  I take the chocolate chew out of his hand, stare at it for a few seconds, and then toss it over my shoulder.

  “Damn, now I won’t have an uncontrollable boner for the next three hours,” Carter complains with a laugh.

  Clutching the front of his shirt into my fists, I pull his face down closer to mine.

  “The Viagra was mushed up into a stool softener, remember? You also won’t have uncontrollable shitting for the next three hours,” I remind him.

  “Yeah, that doesn’t sound very enjoyable,” Carter nods.

  Tipping my chin up, I give him a quick kiss on the lips before pulling back to look into his eyes.

  “Baby, I would love to have crazy, young people sex with you, but we are no longer crazy young people,” I remind him.

  “We did successfully throw a rave today, and you got stoned out of your mind. I may or may not have taken a picture of you staring at the wall with a little drool coming out of the corner of your mouth and sent it to the grandkids,” he informs me.

  “And, what did they say?”

  “They said their grandma is the shit,” he says with a smile and a shrug.

  “Damn right she is! So, how about we just go back to our condo, take a nice, long nap, then I’ll take out my dentures and give you a blow job during Wheel of Fortune?” I suggest.

  “Can I eat strawberry Jell-O, while watching Wheel of Fortune, while you give me a blow job?”

  “Yes, yes you can.”

  “We’re not crazy young people anymore,” Carter says with a shake of his head.

  “No, we are not.”

  “I’m okay with that. Wheel of Fortune Jell-O blow jobs are more my speed anyway.”

  Pulling away from each other, my husband takes my hand and we make our way through the room, pausing to glance over at all of our friends who are still watching the vibrator race. Jim and Liz break away from the cheering, screaming group first and meet us over by the door.

  “This was a fun day, but I need a nap,” Jim says with a sigh.

  “Claire, I think I’m skipping bingo tonight. I’m exhausted and my knees are killing me,” Liz adds.

  “Yeah, we were just heading upstairs to take a nap too. Those pot brownies are wearing off and the arthritis in my hip is bothering me,” I tell her.

  “Are you guys leaving the party already?” Jenny complains with a pout as her and Drew join us. “We still have three more rounds of vibrator races before we crown a winner, and Drew sent Mr. Sampson out to go steal a few golf carts. We’re gonna sneak out after curfew and go to a strip club! This party was such a huge hit, that every said we should make it an anally thing.”

  “I don’t think that means what you think it means,” Liz sighs.

  “Anally. Every year. Duh,” Jenny scoffs.

  “Maybe next time, sweetie,” I tell her with a smile before Liz starts losing her shit. “This was a good day, wasn’t it?”

  Everyone nods and murmurs their approval, while also rubbing their backs and wincing a little bit in pain.

  “Are we getting too old for this shit?” Jim asks.

  We all take another look around the room at all the smiling, happy old people and shake our heads, replying in unison.

  “Never!”

  “Anally it is then!” Jim says with a laugh. “We’ll have an entire year to rest up and prepare for the next boner marijuana rave.”

/>   Good lord, we’re all so ridiculous. But at least we’re not boring.

  Or too cocky for our own good.

  The End

  Check out Tara's newest comedy series, The Naughty Princess Club: http://tarasivec.com/series/the-naughty-princess-club/

  About the Author

  Tara Sivec is a USA Today best-selling author, wife, mother, chauffeur, maid, short-order cook, baby-sitter, and sarcasm expert. She lives in Ohio with her husband and two children, and looks forward to the day when they all three of them become adults and move out.

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