Destroyed and Detained

by Danelle Helget

  After rolling off of the couch and onto my knees, and then climbing to my feet, I took another round of pain killers and put a piece of toast in. I wasn’t sure when Derek had left, and I’d puke if the meds hit my stomach empty. I was supposed to open Lost and Found this morning, and it was past eight already. I called Ginger and asked her if she would want to cover for me. She agreed and asked if I wanted her to cover my shift for tomorrow, too. I gave her my shifts for the rest of the week. She was saving for a trip and wanted the extra hours. That worked out great for me. I could rest my head and grow some hair back.

  I went to the bathroom and grabbed a handheld mirror, turned around and looked at the back of my head. I had a bald spot. It was pretty visible, too. My hair was short in a tapered bob, and the bob was missing some tapering. AND SOME HAIR! I totally had a bald spot. Ugh!

  I fought back the tears and brushed my teeth. I left the mirror and went to the kitchen for the toast. Maybe after I got some food in my stomach I would feel better.

  I ate the toast. It didn’t help, so I curled back up on the couch and put in Dirty Dancing. I was in the middle of my pity party when Derek came through the door.

  “Hey, sweetness, did you sleep okay?” he asked, walking in with two full plastic bags.

  “I slept fine, but my head hurts again. I called the shop and got all my shifts for the week covered so at least I can rest.”

  “Well, I’ll be your personal chef for today. From there you’re on your own. I work Thursday and Friday, but I can come back up on Friday night if you’d like. Or, if you come to the Cities, I can take care of you there.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. I smiled at the thought.

  “Oh, and by the way,” I told him, “you can totally tell they shaved around my cut.”

  “What were you doing looking in the mirror? You should be resting!”

  “You two lied to me!”

  “We just didn’t want you to worry. And what do we know anyway?” He said, with a hand flip.

  I glared at him, but he was too busy putting the food away to notice. I stomped back to the couch and plopped down.

  “Pouting will get you nowhere with me, sweetness!” he called from the kitchen. My back was turned to him so I stuck my tongue out. “I saw that!” he said.

  About thirty minutes later, he brought two plates into the living room and set them on the coffee table. Then he went back for orange juice. He’d poured the juice into a champagne glass for me and a regular glass for him.

  “Oh, fancy!” I said.

  “Nothing but the best for you, princess,” he said, clinking my glass.

  BAM!

  I jumped in surprise and spilled half the juice out of my glass. Faith, who was sitting on the window sill in the sun, squealed, jumped down, and ran off to the back of the house. Pepper got up and walked slowly to the window.

  “Damn it!” Derek said and got up to get a towel. “How many times are they going to do that? What are they even shooting at?”

  “Ugh, I don’t know. How many cannonballs do you suppose they have?” I asked.

  “Where do you even get cannonballs?”

  “Ebay,” I said. “You can find anything on ebay.”

  “Yeah, but the shipping would kill you. They’re heavy!”

  “These are the people that built a pirate ship in their back yard … for a LARP. I don’t think they are really concerned about expenses.”

  “Idiots,” Derek said. I nodded in agreement.

  My phone rang, so I went to answer it. It was Aunt Val.

  “Hi, Sara! I just called to apologize for the cannon.”

  “What’s going on? Why are you shooting it? And at what?” I asked.

  “Well,” she whispered. “Captain is trying out the cannon. He’s working his aim, or sighting it in or something. I don’t really know. All I know is that it’s loud and shakes the house. I hope nothing breaks. He just sent Willy over here to pick up the ones that landed in the yard and bring them back over to the ship. There are divots all over the yard! I’m afraid they’re going to hit this house while I’m in here! Anyway, I just wanted to call and say sorry. I know yesterday the cops were out about the noise complaint and the captain told me I needed to take care of it. I’m now the one in charge of customer service and withholding the parley codes.”

  “Oh, wow, is that a promotion?” I asked.

  “No, it’s just more stuff that he doesn’t want to deal with so I get to. We won’t be firing them at night—that’s against LARP rules. We, like campgrounds, respect the ‘quiet hours’ rule, but from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. we may be firing … sorry.”

  “So how long is this going to go on?” I asked.

  “You mean the LARP?”

  “Yes, this isn’t a lifestyle thing is it? He’s not going to live this fantasy life forever, is he? I mean, at some point the ship has to go, right?”

  “Uh … I don’t know. Most LARPs are ongoing, but the ship can’t stay in the water in the winter so it should be done by then. At least for the season,” she said.

  “Really? That’s crazy!” I said.

  “Yeah, but it’s kind of fun, too!” Val said. I could hear the smile in her voice.

  “By the way,” I told her. “There were some pirates on my property late last night.”

  “What? Where? How many?” Her voice sounded very anxious.

  “Yeah, about one this morning. There were three that I saw. They were ducking down behind Derek’s Jeep spying on the ship with binoculars and a spy glass they left behind when they ran off.”

  “They’re here.”

  “Who? Are you expecting more pirates?”

  “Yes, well, no. Uh, I have to go. I’ll call you in a little while. I have to ask you something, but I need to get this information to Captain Caesar Wayde and First Mate Willy right away!” she said and disconnected.

  I hung up the phone and gave Derek the update. “Well, that’s great. At least you have another place in the Cities you can run to if it gets too annoying.”

  I shrugged and sat to eat my breakfast. When I was done, I went to take a bath. I couldn’t shower—the water would hurt my head. I guess I’d wait a day to wash my hair. Hopefully then it would be okay. The doctor said not to wash it or use hair spray near my stitches. That would be very challenging since I was not a natural beauty. Hopefully Derek would still find me attractive at the end of the week.

  I relaxed in the hot water and thought about the ship. It was kind of exciting. I was trying not to show it around Derek and Rex, but I liked the mystery and adventure of it. I thought LARPing was stupid, but I secretly wanted to go play on and explore the ship. I closed my eyes, sank down deeper in the water and imagined myself on board, the wind blowing my hair, the water splashing on the boards, the smell of fresh paint. I pictured myself with perfectly tousled, long, blonde, beach-waved hair, dressed in a beautiful, yet slightly worn pirate dress, floor length with a drawstring bustier, my full, round, soft breasts squeezed tightly together by the strings and spilling over the top. My eyes were dark, and my lips full and red.

  Derek was there. He was the captain. I had just been promoted from a deck swabber to his girl. I no longer mingled amongst the buccaneers but stayed in the captain’s quarters. I ate off the china and drank the good rum. Suddenly the ship was buzzing with action. I came out of my quarters and investigated. I couldn’t find Captain Derek anywhere. I went down to the lower deck, where I never went anymore, and peeked over the edge of the boat where the others were running around in panic.

  Suddenly, I was grabbed from behind. My mouth was covered and I was pulled away. Everything went black. When I opened my eyes, I was in a strange room. It was a captain’s quarter, but not Derek’s. I picked up my head and looked around the room. There in the corner was a pirate. He wasn’t wearing the hat, though. The hat was always worn when in the position of authority.

  I knew who this was. I was pleasantly surprised. He turned slowly towards me, and I recognized him. My long l
ost lover, Captain Rex. The ship I was on with him went down, and everyone thought he was dead. Obviously he was not.

  “Hello, beautiful,” he said in the deep, suave, sexy tone I remembered. I smiled. He locked eyes with me and slowly removed his sword from his belt, and then his belt with the pistol hung in it, and set it on the table by the bed. He kicked off his boots and slowly climbed onto the bed. He was directly over the top of me. I could feel his breath on my lips. “Miss me?” he asked.

  I opened my mouth to answer, not with words, but with a passionate kiss when—BAM! BAM! BAM! There was a knock on my bathroom door.

  “You still alive in there?” Derek asked from the other side of the door.

  And, I was awake. Dang it! “Yes. I’ll be out in a minute.” Man, I really wanted to finish that daydream.

  I got dressed in jeans and long-sleeved t-shirt and quickly did a basic hair and make-up routine. Just as I was finishing, my phone rang again.

  “Hello?” I answered to Tannya.

  “Hey, girl! Is that ship still out there?” she asked.

  “It sure is.”

  “So can Miss Kitty and I come over again and watch?”

  “Watch what?” I asked.

  “Ya know, in case anything happens! I don’t want to miss it. I’ve been doing some research on LARPing on the internet.”

  “Tannya, you need to stay off the internet,” I told her.

  “No, no, this is all legit, just like Val said. I looked it up and found a pirate LARP on the internet, and you can join for free!”

  I sighed, “Oh, Tannya, please don’t tell me you—”

  “Yes! I’m all signed up. And here’s the best part—a few minutes after I signed up, I got a call from them!”

  “A call from who?” I asked her.

  “From the LARP people, the pirate guy who’s in charge! He sounded just like a pirate on the phone. He asked me about my location, and asked where in Nisswa I lived. We talked for about thirty minutes. I think it was the guys from your ship.”

  “What did you talk about?”

  “Well, I told him about the ship at your place and said I wanted to join the crew, part-time of course because I work at the diner. He said that was fine and then asked what your address was, and if I knew of any treasure I could add to their collection. He said it had to be “taken” treasure, like a pirate would just take it, ya know? It can’t be paid for. Just like Val said. It was so cool to talk to a pirate,” she said with a laugh.

  “You mean stolen? The treasure is stolen. That’s why she was in jail!” I warned. Derek shot me a look and turned back to the TV.

  “Yeah, yeah. But anyways, I got a cousin that’s out of town, and I don’t know where she gets the junk but she has a garage full of stuff she tries to sell on ebay and at garage sales. She has a garage sale every week! It’s like her job! And every time I go visit, she has more stuff instead of less. I bet she wouldn’t notice if I took a few things. I guess all the new scallywags need to bring fifty pieces of gold treasure with them as their entry fee.”

  “You’re not going to steal from her, are you?”

  “Well, I figure I’ll just take some of her stuff and leave some of my own stuff. That way we’re square. I gotta bunch of old stuff around here I’ve been meaning to get rid anyway. It’s only fifty pieces. She’ll never notice.”

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “You should sign up, too! We could get you some treasure, too. You got any old stuff you can replace it with?” she asked me.

  “Yes,” I shook my head. “I mean no. This is wrong!”

  “My cousin’s not going to care. If she finds out she’ll probably want to sign up, too.”

  “Did you say you gave the pirate my address?” I asked.

  There was a beat of silence. “Yes.”

  “Crap. Tannya, don’t give out my address to people!”

  “Why? It’s just your neighbor anyways, not like he don’t know where you live.”

  “I don’t think it’s the same group. I think there is more than one pirate group. I had pirates in my yard in the middle of the night last night.”

  “What? Way cool! Did you talk to them? Why didn’t you call me?”

  “They were hiding in my driveway behind Derek’s Jeep and ran off when I saw them.”

  “You scared them with your nakedness!” Derek yelled from the couch.

  “What did he say?” Tannya laughed. “Were you naked?”

  “Ugh, never mind him,” I told Tannya.

  “I think they were spying on the ship. I think they’re planning to attack, or steal treasure or who knows, but I don’t think they’re on the same team.”

  “Oh, really? So I signed up on the other team? So I’ll be competing with Val and her crew? So which team are you going to sign up with then?”

  I laughed out loud. “I’m not signing up at all!”

  “So where were you yesterday? We tried to call.”

  “I had a minor slip and fall and ended up with stitches in my head. We were trying to get the pontoon and dock in, and I wiped out in the mud.”

  “Oh, bummer. Well, I hope you’re feeling better. Miss Kitty and I are going to meet here at the diner this afternoon when I get off. She’s going to bring her laptop, and I’m going to show her the LARP, and she might join too! You should come here and talk with us. I get off at 2:30. See you then, girl!” she said enthusiastically and hung up.

  Huh. I stared at my phone and then set it on the counter.

  “Making big plans with the girls?” Derek asked with a grin.

  “No.” I sat down on the couch next to him. “Well, they are. Tannya joined a LARP. I think it’s the group that was out here. And now she’s talking to Miss Kitty about it. Tannya’s planning to rob her cousin’s garage sale to get the treasure items required for entry into the LARP.”

  “Really? Wow,” Derek responded.

  We sat a few moments longer and then he turned from the TV and asked, “Are you joining?”

  “Me? No, definitely not!” Probably not.

  10

  I finally got off my lazy butt and made Derek a homemade apple pie to take back with him. He had to work in the morning and wanted to get some laundry done before going to bed, so he was heading out a bit early. I walked him out to his car.

  “Stay out of trouble,” he said.

  “I will.”

  “I see something in your eyes that tells me differently.” Dang he was good! I was considering … not being good.

  “Yeah, sure ya do,” I leaned in and kissed him. I didn’t want to make any promises I couldn’t keep. So I used my mouth as a distraction. After a long while, the kiss ended with me in goosebumps, not wanting him to go.

  “Good night. I’ll call you tomorrow,” I promised.

  “Good night, sweetness,” he said, then got in his Jeep and drove away.

  It was about 2:00 p.m. and who was I kidding? I was going to meet Tannya and Miss Kitty. I don’t know why. Usually I’m the good girl who tries to avoid trouble, even though it usually finds me anyway. But something made me want to be involved. I wanted to be bad. Maybe it was the new freedom of being single after so many years of marriage. Maybe it was too many years of being the good girl. Maybe it was the moon in alignment with my stars … maybe the bump on my head. I didn’t know. I didn’t care, either. All of a sudden I felt unstoppable, strong, brave, and angry that Long John trespassed on my property … and that he saw me naked! Ugh.

  First thing I needed to do was figure out what the hell was going on. It sounded like Tannya might know a thing or two, so why not? I loaded myself into my big, strong, red Jeep and drove to Morning Glory.

  When I got there, Tannya was just taking off her apron and talking through the pick-up window to Marv. I couldn’t hear, but it looked like their normal, playful smack talk.

  “I knew you’d come, girl!” Tannya said with a big smile.

  I just smiled back. “Someone has to keep an eye on
you!” Marv said.

  “Exactly,” I responded to him.

  “Marv, you know you want in! You’re just jealous I found something more fun than your boring video games before you did,” Tannya yelled back.

  The place was empty except for us three and another waitress, who was just putting on an apron. Although that didn’t matter, as they yelled at each other all the time anyway.

  “Pirates are nothing new to me, sista! I’ve seen all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies at least five times!”

  “Yeah, Marv, we know you’re a lonely loser with a lot of free time. Please don’t remind us.”

  I looked at Marv, who was squinting his eyes at Tannya. “Lady, I gotta mind to join the other crew just so I can sink your fat ass to the bottom of the lake.”

  “Fat ass? Marv, please, I’ve been plump since I was born. Those comments have all been said before. Nothing you say is going to bother me. You live in your mom’s basement, for the love of Pete! Don’t even get me started on you!”

  “Huh, well, that’s because my parents sucked. It’s not my fault, my dad left us, and my mom did a horrible job raising me.”

  “Your mom’s a saint. She didn’t kill you, and she still lets you in the door. I’d call her an angel,” Tannya said.

  He leaned even closer to the window and yelled back, “She’s like a ninja mom. She just sneaks up, destroys your will to live, then disappears.”

  I laughed out loud. Marv shook his head. “It’s true!” he said with wrinkled brows.

  Just then Miss Kitty walked in the door. Tannya and I both turned our attention towards her. “Hi,” I said.

  “Hi, darling!” she sang and threw her arms around me. “What happened to your hair?” she asked. Tannya rushed over to see the damages too. I told them in detail what happened.

  Miss Kitty was dressed to the tee, as usual—denim jeans with rhinestones all over the butt pockets and around the front pockets, a bright pink cashmere sweater with a black cami underneath, ears pulled to the max with diamond chandelier earrings, and matching necklace. Over her arm was a black leather jacket and an expensive purse with Smoochy Poo’s head sticking out the top. She smelled amazing, too. Miss Kitty’s hair was white blonde, and dry, but nice looking. And her make up always looked good, bright some days, but good.